Howdiditcometothis ? I?m not sure how much help I can be because I?m going through a very similar thing. I do remember reading your thread last summer and was tempted to post, but was in a bit of a state. I haven?t reread your whole thread again, but, if I remember correctly, there are a lot of similarities between our situations. I too have been with my husband throughout my twenties and early thirties (am now 36). We have a dd, aged 12 and ds aged 11. Dh is a good man, who has supported me hugely throughout our relationship. However, due to many complex reasons (which at the time I didn?t understand, but can in hindsight) I ended up falling for OM. Without going into massive detail, the friendship (which developed slowly but surely) was very much based on intellectual and emotional attachments and I experienced feelings that I have never experienced before about him. He was very different to my husband in terms of personality. For various reasons such as the daily pressures of life and to be honest, some very distinct personality differences, dh and I certainly had grown apart. Clichéd I know, but true, and easy to realise in hindsight.
Looking back (and this is absolutely NO excuse, but simply some form of explanation) I think I was/am depressed/experiencing some sort of midlife crisis. A very close friend and my mother died two and a half years ago and a few other major things happened in terms of my job etc and taking on lots of stuff involving work and some travel, which made me feel like I was 36 going on 96. I am normally the most consistent, pragmatic, responsible person you could meet, with strong family values and a very ?hard on myself? attitude. I?m the one that people normally come to for grounding and advice. I?m frequently seen as the practical, rational person at work. Yet, I feel as though I?ve completely lost the plot.
Over the last few months (contact with OM is severed ? almost ? occasional contact out of my control). I have very much grown stronger in terms of realising that for me, the worst thing I could have done was leave dh for him. The distance between us is helping. I know that my marriage in many ways is good (although does that necessarily make it ?right???) I know that my dh is a good man and a wonderful father. I know actually, that in many ways he deserves more because I feel like a complete shitbag. I feel like I?ve lost my identify, that I?m weak, gullible and pathetic.
At the moment I am in limbo getting through each day. I feel like I can?t really look to the future, I can?t make future plans. I?ve had a little counselling and she did pinpoint that I was very much tied up in what I should do (ie, stay in my marriage) than what I want to do (although she agreed that I wasn?t entirely sure either way). I know all the stuff about affairs happening in ?good? marriages but this has rocked me to the core. There are so many things to consider ? is the guilt overshadowing my ability to be ?me? and make my marriage work? How come I formed such an attachment to somebody else (it certainly wasn?t a physical attraction for a long time) and somebody quite different from dh? When did dh and I start growing apart (it was certainly before OM, I have thought long and hard about that) but obviously, the presence of the OM had horrendous effects.
I?m not sure why I am telling you this, as I?m obviously in a complete mess myself. I have followed posters like Ilovemyteddy who have given such thoughtful advice and am not able to do that.
The only thing I would say, is that distance does help. You can sever contact and although it is hard, it does help to begin to clear your mind. That?s certainly not to say that you and dh will then be okay, certainly not, but at least YOU might be in a better frame of mind to deal with the future. Also, I can give you my empathy ? I never, ever want to feel like this again or hurt my family the way I have. And there is a part of me that thinks all of this hurt and pain which although isn?t inflicted by OM, is still caused by our feelings for each other, surely any relationship that came out of that (and he too, is recently out of a long, hard relationship) would be so hard and would carry so much baggage and guilt. However, if its meant to be, it will, but only when you have healed yourself.