Breaking contact with OM

[howdiditcometothis]

Back story here

I feel like I'm having a breakdown. I've taken some time away and made the decision to work on my marriage -it is not bad enough to justify ending it. I know this means no contact whatsoever with OM. He says that he understands and supports the decision I've made but thinks we can maintain a friendship. I can't do that - I'm in love with him and I can't pretend to be his friend and ignore those intense feelings. I'm posting here to stop me replying to him or picking up the phone. I know if we talk, I won't feel able to do it. I would be so grateful if somebody would tell me how they have done this. I feel desperate. I need to switch these feelings off and forget about him. Somebody must have done this successfully before. PLease if you have dealt with a situation like this, please help me to end this. I need to get my life back on track.

Howdid - you will get through the other side of this and have learnt so much, one way or the other. Sounds like you are doing all the right things - but do not be so hard on yourself! I think this kind of thing is a process that people have to go through in life. Perhaps you will find a new closeness with your current partner, which would be fantastic, and OM can truly become a lovely friend. In this case, OM will have acted as some kind of catalyst for change, which you obviously both needed.

Or perhaps you will find, eventually and when you are both ready for it, that your current relationship has run its course and that it needs to become (hopefully) a friendship rather than anything else. Then OM may still be there, or maybe another person.

It will all work out in the end - it really will!

Howdi - I totally agree with rednosedays. You must stop beating yourself up about this and stop seeing your feelings for this OM as some kind of personal failure on your part.
It sounds like you are tying yourself up in knots trying to do the "right" thing, keep everyone happy, present the right image but also by the sounds of it failing miserably! And I don't mean that harshly.
I hope you figure out the best way forward, I really do.
Keep us posted.

Good luck with it all.

Oh don't go! This thread has been really helpful for me. Going through the exact same thing. Really lovely to finally see a thread in which someone in this situation gets such helpful advice and does not get totally trashed. That has put me off MN in the past and this has restored all my faith.

Going through the exact same thing. Even sound similar to you howdi. Have sisters, am drinking a lot, have lost far too much weight, am the biggest earner in the marriage and sometimes resent that I miss my children etc etc etc. I simply take it day by day and breathe deeply. It does get better honestly. I am still not out of the woods yet but I have stomach lurches and butterflies less and less

sophie

I hope op reads your message, as this thread is helping us all in some way. x

PP your posts on this thread have been spot-on.

Howdi - I think it's worth pursuing personal counselling as well as Relate, despite your bad experience in the past. It helped me to know why I chose to have an affair, and to watch out for the danger signs of it happening again. My worry for you is that, if you don't get to the bottom of why you have had an affair it could happen again (as it nearly did with me.) What has happened isn't a personal failure on your part, and talking it through with a trained counsellor will help you to realise this.

Not sure if this is proper MNetiquette but maybe sophiebbb and Piratecat could continue to post on this thread if they need to talk. It does seem more supportive than many other threads by OW.

Howdi - I want to add my best wishes and good luck to you, and hope that you will come back and post if you need support with whatever decision you make. It's a tough road, but many of us have been there and can support you if you need us.

Thanks ILove.

Maybe I empathise as I have been there too.

OP I have lurked on this thread from the start. I am in a similar situation although slightly different in that OM took the decision to stop contact as things could not continue as they were ( he was right! ). All the advice and support to others posted on this thread has been of great help to me too although I'm still struggling with it all every day.

Good luck OP - I wish you well.

Thanks for the messages.

I totally don't see this as my thread anymore. Just somewhere for people to share and encourage. All of the other stories and advice has really helped me.

A quick update on my situation. It is definitively over with OM. Had a long discussion in the end and I calmly asked him to leave me alone for good. It was devastating and I've felt wretched since but it's done. Incredibly sad that it had to end in a way that upset us both so much - lots of tears on both sides but now I just need to work through that and I know that this is the end, it is over.

I need to pick myself up and dust myself off now. I'm really not feeling myself. DH keeps asking why I'm so low and I've managed to pass it off as stress with work but I know that I can't carry on like this. So I'm back to desparately trying to distract myself and find myself back here.

Not properly slept - just keep having fucked up dreams about everything. Just tell me this bit will pass.

Well done op for telling the om to leave you alone for good. I hope he stays true to his word.

I'm not so certain whether you can continue to disguise this as stress at work for much longer though as you will probably find yourself making more excuses if your dh asks for further information.

This feeling will pass and you will just need to find ways of occupying yourself and not let yourself think about your past with the om. Easier said than done I know. As time passes and as you concentrate on the good things with your dh you will probably think of the om less.

All the best.

Well done Howdi for breaking contact with OM.

DH knows about your affair, doesn't he? Are you able to tell him the truth about why you are down, rather than continuing to lie to him? I know how tough either option is, but as you are starting the journey towards healing your marriage you need to be honest from now on. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about since I have never been honest with my DH about my affair...

You must make sure to get rid of all e-mails, texts etc so that you can't look back on them and brood.

You need to look after yourself by eating properly and taking exercise (the endorphins make you feel better.) The not being able to sleep and having fucked up dreams is almost certainly stress-related. It may be worth checking out a health food store for natural remedies to help you sleep. I got some lavender scented spray for my pillow which worked for me.

You also need to take things slowly -
it takes time and effort but how you are feeling now will change and the intensity of the pain will lessen. At the risk of repeating myself I really would think of seeing a counsellor if I were you, particularly since you haven't talked to anyone in real life. One of the things I found most useful in my counselling was being able to put my affair into perspective and actually talking about it in detail made me realise that we weren't 'star-crossed lovers' or bad people but just two ordinary people who made a bad choice.

It will pass, but it takes a while. I'm sure other posters will come along with advice and I'll be lurking around this thread for a bit of hand-holding if you need it :)

It hurts.

I don't want dh to be hurt anymore now. It's done. Not going to tell him anything more.

Big work day today. No choice but to get on. Good thing I think.

It hurts.

I don't want dh to be hurt anymore now. It's done. Not going to tell him anything more.

Big work day today. No choice but to get on. Good thing I think.

It hurts.

I don't want dh to be hurt anymore now. It's done. Not going to tell him anything more.

Big work day today. No choice but to get on. Good thing I think.

Howdi, very good luck. Concentrate on getting the work done well - that will take your mind off it for a while and give you a sense of achievement. Delete all the e-mails, get lots of early nights in bed and cut back on the alcohol (it really is a depressant), spoil yourself with good food. Be nice to DH and considerate, even if you feel miserable. Think of things to do with him and your DD at the week end.
I think you are right not to tell DH any more and of course keep posting for support.

Ah Howdi. I know it hurts, chick :(

I ended my affair at a particularly busy time at work, and that helped me get through the initial pain on a day by bay, hour by hour basis. It does help to have something else to focus on and as Londonartemis says, it will give you a sense of achievement.

WRT your marriage I think the thing that I would advise is not to expect too much too soon. People often advise you to work out what OM gave you that is missing in your own marriage but I think you need to be careful because the two 'relationships' are not on a level playing field. And it's unfair to DH to expect him to change the habits of a lifetime - he was the man you fell in love with and married, after all. If he was never intellectual and romantic (as my DH isn't) then he isn't necessarily going to be able to change IYSWIM. You kind of need to meet in the middle - maybe lower your expectations a little and help him to raise his game. I'm just musing on what my own situation was like after my affair but I hope this might help.

Hope work went well today.

Hi Howdi, hope today you are feeling a little better. I went through the exact same thing about 8 years ago - he was a work colleague - like you I experienced the same feelings but at the same time did not feel justified to end my marriage. I ended up having to break all contact and leave my job - like some others have mentioned - we promised each other not to contact the other unless we were single (he was married too). So five years down the line an e-mail pops up from him out of the blue saying he has since left his wife and asking how I am - I burst into tears on reading the e-mail as I realised how much I had locked away my feelings (it had taken me a good couple of years to stop thinking about him!) - we exchanged a couple of e-mails and I told him to please not contact me again as I was still married - he respected that and I heard no more . . . until last month . . . fast forward another 3 years and he has been back in touch. Unfortunately, I am in a more vulnerable state as my husband and I have been experiencing a very rocky patch over the last year, OM is now overseas so i felt safe to start exchanging the odd e-mail. I am so annoyed with myself for responding to his e-mails - even after all these years he just seems to know me so well. Aaaahhh - know I need to stop the e-mails, again, and concentrate on sorting out the problems in my marriage. Can't believe how a few e-mails has set me back, I'm back to thinking about him constantly and fantasising about another alternate life. Not good.

I suppose what I'm trying to say (in a very long-winded way) is you sound like me and you want to feel you have done the right thing - the only way to do that is to have absolutely no contact and give your marriage your best shot. We had counselling, which did work 7 years ago - think we've reached the point that we need to go again - altho diff problems this time. I want to feel that if my marriage doesn't work out, we have tried everything and I am not leaving my husband simply because of OM. In fact, if that did ever happen, I wouldn't dream of contacting OM until I was happily settled in new life.

Thanks for the messages.

A 12 hour day, including 4 hours of motorway driving helped keep me occupied.

Ilovestrictly - your post made me cry. Even all these years on, your marriage isn't right. I'm scared of trying to fix things and limping on for years. I guess the most frightening thing is not knowing whether I can make it work and whether I've just put the one real soulmate connection that might ever happen in the bin.

I've not changed my mind - it's just raw and reading that really upset me.

howdid- it will get better- promise.

I was in your situation 15 years back. he walked away to save my marriage and try to mend his. He ended up getting divorced, re-married and now his wife has left him. He is back in touch. Hand on heart, I don't know if I feel the same. Years back I would have given my right arm for this situation- my kids are now adults and I am a lot freer than I was then.

However, in the intervening years I met someone else- he was a friend to begin with, and we talked/emailed for 2 years, but then he moved the boundaries and for me, i think it became love/soul mate- at a distance. For him though he was half-in, half out of a long distance marriage , and simply not ready either for anything else, or for me ! he did lead me on, then backed off big time when I thought he meant it. He has distanced himself, we haven't talked for 5 months bow, and I am feeling sad and miss him terribly as a friend if nothing else.
My marriage goes on in the background, but it's not great. My DH is not a communicator and I , like you, am a writer. Both the OM I have become atached with have been very articulate.
Like you, my DH knows all is not great in our marriage and we are trying to make it work.

Reason for telling you this is that I thought I'd never get over the 1st OM ( we actually knew each other from school days) but I did.

I can't advise you but part of it is about acceptance.

It is early days give yourself time.

Howdi - I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you - I'm feeling a bit messed up myself too at the moment. I don't regret the decision I made 8 years ago - it was the right thing to do and my two gorgeous children wouldn't be here otherwise. It did take me a long time to stop thinking about OM, but I did manage it eventually, the children certainly helped with that. Unfortunately, my DH and I have had problems over the last year - hence why OM getting in contact again has thrown me a bit. It hasn't been all bad the last 8 years and the counselling did really help in the beginning. I really feel for you, it is such a horrid time, but I think it is the best way forward. This way you find out whether you can address the issues in your marriage. I know what you mean about the 'soulmate' issue - but when I force myself to think back to when I first met my DH 17 years ago, I felt like that about him too. I've concluded that marriages long term are hard work and you can't just sit back and expect it to keep working - or mine certainly seems to be like that anyway!

Oh gosh, don't be sorry, everything upsets me at the moment! I am really very pathetic. The only thing that brings me happiness now is my dd. She is so beautiful. I'm so lucky to be her mummy and I intend to concentrate on the feeling I get from looking after her. I've never felt manic like this, running round cleaning, tidying, working. I was up at 4am sobbing and cleaning my kitchen floor. But I haven't broken my promise to myself.

Well done Howdi - stick with it. I have to say, as upset as I was at the time, I never found myself up at 4 in the morning cleaning my kitchen floor - but each to their own! Thinking back, my H and I went on quite a few holidays in the aftermath, which seemed to help. Have you thought any more about counselling?

Howdi you are not pathetic. You're going through a very difficult and unsettling time at the moment.

When I ended my affair, and OM didn't respond to my attempts to contact him, I felt like my heart was broken. I was physically sick and couldn't sleep for weeks afterwards. You have to let yourself grieve for your loss, even though you were the one who ended things. I still have a little piece of my heart that will forever be OMs. But it doesn't hurt any more.

You posted I guess the most frightening thing is not knowing whether I can make [my marriage] work. IMHO and from my own experience, if at all possible you need to have a go at making it work with DH's help, not on your own.

Because DH and our DC (who are grown up and away from home most of the time) were unaware of my affair I had to do all of the work in fixing what I thought was wrong in my marriage. That was a long and lonely task, and it ended up with me having a bit of a breakdown, which I blamed on some sort of mid-life crisis (which wasn't so far from the truth - my affair was a part of that - getting older, long marriage, empty nest etc). Once I got DH on board with helping me, and I went for counselling, things improved very quickly.

Just take it slowly and look after yourself.

Thanks to all you ladies, I think we're making some progress at home. I'm less pathetic than I was a few days ago. Did nice family things with DD at the weekend and spent time together. By no means perfect as we did end up in a blazing row on Saturday night and a tearful row last night but we commmunicated. We spoke probably for the first time about the miscarriages we had (since the immediate aftermath of each one) and Dh said how upset they made him in hindsight when he looks at DD. They were lateish miscarriages (not that it should make a difference) but he choked up talking about seeing the baby at the 12 week scan alive and well and us being so happy and then to think the baby was gone a couple of week later. He never talked about it before and I remember feeling alone and desolate afterwards with him carrying on as normal. With the second miscarriage I became very ill and he had to rush me to the hospital where I ended up in resuscitation - I was allowed home after a few days but had been very ill for a short time and then spent a miserable couple of days on a drip trying to get my blood pressure off the floor so I could get out of there, going for scans to check everything had gone. The whole time is bleak and I remember him picking me up from hospital and us not speaking all the way home. We didn't really speak about it again. Anyway he said he was sorry and it felt like he really meant it and he understood. It felt like a bit of a breakthrough. Something in me has softened towards him.

I think focussing inwards to DH and my family is helping. We've let it get into a bloody mess but the will seems to be there on both sides to fix things.

OM is still constantly on my mind but it feels less real by the hour. Like it's something that happened in a dream, something beyond the pale. He is still my first thought in the morning and I feel quite sick if I let myself dwell on the loss but I'm just keeping busy and hoping it will pass.

Sorry for the boring offloading. Selfishly it helps to 'spill my guts' here. Please ignore.

Your offloading is not boring - and it is vital that you talk to someone as you and DH work through your issues. And it's not selfish to want to 'spill your guts'. You have to get it out of your head in order to make sense of it all.

I'm sure the conversations with DH about your miscarriages were painful for both of you. But it is definitely a breakthrough that you can both sit and talk about what happened and how it made you both feel. Most men want to 'fix' things that go wrong, and I'm sure that DH was so frustrated that he couldn't fix your miscarriages and your subsequent illness that he did what many men do, clam up and try and pretend it hadn't happened because they don't know how to deal with it or what to say.

It's very positive that the will seems to be there on both sides for you to sort out your marriage. Hopefully in working on sorting out your marriage the 'loss' of OM will be easier to bear. But please do spend some time on reflecting on yourself and what got you into this situation. I'm speaking from experience when I say that it's easy to 'blame' your partner/marriage, but the truth of why you made the choice to have an affair is often down to something within 'you' that you need to recognise and deal with. I'm not trying to be harsh, just passing on what I have learned from my own affair.

But all in good time. Keep busy, look after yourself and keep talking with DH.

As this is general support/willpower-enhancing thread, I thought I should post. Hope I'm not hijacking, howdi.

Oh God. I'm back to square one! I was doing so well. I told OM we mustn't contact each other (by the way, we never did anything - but I was on the verge - I guess some would say is was an emotional affair) - that was six weeks ago, maybe longer. I've not heard anything from him since and have really, really struggled but thanks to some really understanding posters on MN I've managed not to cave in and get in touch with him. And I've been really working at getting along with my DP. However, I've thought about OM every single day. Then yesterday I got a text from him: "I can't stop thinking about you." And my heart was doing somersaults and all my feelings have come flooding back.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I texted him back and said "I think about you all the time." Oh bollocks. I'm sorry.
I guess I'm not strong enough. He wants to see me. I want to see him so much again now - I'm a fool to think I can see him and just talk and that nothing will happen, aren't I? I just want to see him.
How do I stop this? Maybe I want it too much.

I was doing so well... or so I thought.

I know what you're all going to say - and you're right. I have to break all contact now.

I just don't think I can. I've been walking on air since the text and couldn't sleep a wink last night.

dammit dammit dammit.