Breaking contact with OM

[howdiditcometothis]

Back story here

I feel like I'm having a breakdown. I've taken some time away and made the decision to work on my marriage -it is not bad enough to justify ending it. I know this means no contact whatsoever with OM. He says that he understands and supports the decision I've made but thinks we can maintain a friendship. I can't do that - I'm in love with him and I can't pretend to be his friend and ignore those intense feelings. I'm posting here to stop me replying to him or picking up the phone. I know if we talk, I won't feel able to do it. I would be so grateful if somebody would tell me how they have done this. I feel desperate. I need to switch these feelings off and forget about him. Somebody must have done this successfully before. PLease if you have dealt with a situation like this, please help me to end this. I need to get my life back on track.

[howdiditcometothis]

I remember piratecat.

[howdiditcometothis]

andwhatnow - yes atruly horrible feeling. Like you, I have tried to think of DH's good points and he does have them. He is gentle and he is an excellent daddy. He enjoys DD and I wouldn't be able to do the job I do without him picking up childcare at the moment. I've talked to my best friend and her husband about some othe issues and her husbands said something which resonated with me. I was defending DH and saying that he was a brilliant Dad but he said he might well be an excellent father but he is an absolutely s**t husband isn't he? This is from somebidy who is quite proud of taking responsibility and providing for his family so an extreme view in some respects but it did resonate.

I've also thought about the negative traits I have (loads of them). I've been down and cold and unaffectionate in recent years with DH. I lose my temper and have allowed resentment to take hold of me.

I think an awful lot of OM but I have my eyes open and know that he will have his own flaws and weaknesses and character traits. We are all human and fallible after all. I don't allow myself to imagine a life with him - there was a dangerous point in time when I did allow myself to do that. I don't see him in my immediate future at all anymore. I know that he is a symptom of my failing marriage not the cause and not the solution either. Perversely I hope that I will hear at some point that he has happily moved on. It would help me to put him beyond the pale completely.

Perhaps the only thing which I'm glad of in this whole experience (if there is anything to be glad about) is the recognition that whether my marriage is at all salvageable I don't want to be in a relationship which is so unbalanced going forward or ever again. (Thanks Ilovemyteddy for helping me understand that) I want to be somebody I recognise and thaw out and feel myself again.

You wouldn't know it from my posts here but I am generally one of life's optimists.

lemonstarttree - I didn't mind the martyr comment at all - you don't post on mumsnet expecting anything but honest responses. And thank you for sharing how you coudl relate to that relief of not having to be in control all of the time. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going mad, other people just seem to get on with their marriages without all this soulsearching.

Thanks all for the support. It feels like there is some progress being made especially in mentally letting go of the whole OM situation and focussing on the here and now.

[ilovemyteddy]

Howdi -my last message was a bit convoluted. What I wanted to illustrate was that the balance of your marriage isn't equal. Don't put the blame all on yourself - it takes two to make a relationship and when one of you is doing all the work, both emotionally and physically it seems, then that balance is upset and results in the sort of turmoil you are going through at the moment.

I completely agree with Lemonstartree's comments above. OM is irrelevant because your marriage is over. I think you need to 'get outside of your head' and get some practical advice from the CAB or a solicitor about what your rights are WRT the house, maintenance etc. If you have the full facts about how splitting up will work WRT the practicalities of life then you may be able to see a way through your current situation.

[piratecat]

coming back later op, was on your thread last yr.
x

[lemonstartree]

I totally relate to what you say about OM making you feel that you dont ALWAYS have to be in control.

I am in a new relationship (we met 3 months after I had left my husband) and I have EXACTLY the same feelings about my new partner. I am very strong and capable, but he is abole to cherish and support me - and sometimes recognise that I need a break and he will pick up the pieces. It is wonderful after 10 years with someone who looked to me to sort everything out and was no support at all practicall, emotionally or financially.

Im sorry if my comment about being a 'martyr' was too strong. You only get one life, its too precious to waste in a relationship which is making you miserable. And you ar right, your DH cannot change, and nor should you necessarily expect him too - BUT YOU cannot change either, and nor should you be expected too - You are now fundamentally incompatable, becaue you have grown up, matured and developed and he has not. By staying in thhis marriage you are giving your daughter all the wrong messages about adult relationships and you are denying your DH the opportunity to meet and be loved by someone who will not have the same problems with him that you do.

OM is actually irrelevant - you need to end this marriage because its over. It doesnt work and is making you, and him and eventually DD miserable.

[andwhatnow]

Howdititometothis - I do understand what you are saying WRT your husband not giving you need. In some ways, my situation is similiar but not all. My dh is marvelous practically regarding childcare etc (although I actually organise it, he has always been hands on and the type to post a letter, pick something up etc if I asked (I often have had to ask because I work longer hours than him).

However, at crucial times of my life, although he has tried to give emotional support, he has sometimes found this difficult (this is at his own 'admittance'). In saying that, I'm quite a closed person so I'm not saying thats his fault. I wouldn't say my husband leaves everything to me to the extent that your husband does, but, as I've already said, I work longer hours, oversee alot of the financial stuff and alot of the organisation of day to day life. My job is very demanding and there have been other demands on my life and at times, I've felt like I'm sinking.

Certainly, I met almost like a kindred spirit in OM. He reflected on life in many of the ways I did and we discussed things that I think, dh would find difficult or uninteresting to discuss. In saying that, I can see the so many good points that dh has - he is the most upbeat, easygoing, optimistic and generous person I have ever met and it helped me to distance myself from OM when i forced myself to think of all the negative traits he must probably have as well.

Also, it is making me focus on MY negative traits. What is it that I don't give dh? I would imagine there are many things that he could pull up that I don't do if asked. The problem is, and this is the sad bit, I reasonate so much with what you are saying about feeling rather numb and unnatural when I'm with dh. Its a horrible, horrible feeling isn't it?

[howdiditcometothis]

I just don't know how people take that step to end it. Knowing how much hurt and upset will ensue from an action that you are taking unilaterally. In all the rows and arguments both well before and after OM when splitting up has been brought into the conversation, DH always always says he won't leave nd if I want that to happen, I have to instigate it and take the consequences of it. He will never ever agree that it is time to call it a day. I dream of having a non raised voices conversation where we can acknowledge to each other that it isnt working.

How long do you keep trying for? Is 2 years of misery enough?

OM aside and the guilt of that situation I feel to blame because perhaps I'm the one that has changed. I try to visualise how we might find common ground and fix things and how we can go back to being early 20s again and the people we were and the very genuine love we shared. I've grown away from him.

Ilovemy teddy - We have tried spending time together, going for dinner etc. I feel numb and unatural with him. Even on best behaviour and trying our best we struggle to keep common ground or laugh or even engage properly with one another. Again, I suspect that is me, I feel quite numb a lot of the time now not necessarily just with him. I know people say to spend time together and be intimate. It doesn't feel right and I struggle to show affection or receive affection. We have really hurt ech other and it feels false. I am somebody who cannot be hugged or held if I feel wound up. It feels all wrong, I have to be in the right frame of mind. It feels more natural to me to go for a brisk walk if I'm full of nervous energy not be smothered with a hug.

The 'what's missing' bit is difficult. The best I've felt with DH recently was decorating a room together. I (predictably)had made a start on a project I'd wanted to get done for ages and part way through he decided to give me a hand. DD was in bed and we worked quietly together in a room without any conflict and it felt calm and ok for a few hours.

I think I've started to recognise what OM provided to me. He made me feel that I was worth loving and worth looking after. He made me think that I could too be the sort of woman that inspired a feeling of protectiveness. Not seombody just to be looked to to meet all his needs and who could get out in the world and fend for herself whatever the consequences. He made me feel like I don't have to be the person in all circumstances providing the comfort, taking control of a crisis and telling everyone that she can make it ok and everything will be ok. He made me feel like i wouldn't always have to pick up the pieces that he would help me and sometimes, he'd even do that for me. It felt such a massive relief. I don't know if anyone can relate to that?

I just don't think DH has it in him to make me feel like that. And I don't know how I could articulate that to him in any event. I've never been so tired as the last year or so. Things have to move forward.

[waterrat]

This just sounds awful. Please look for a happy life for yourself and don't spend the rest of your years on this planet trying to make a miserable relationship work. He will cope and will probably have to actually sort his own life out rather than have you looking after him.

Being a single parent is much healthier for your daughter than you being tormented and unhappy. And if you love this other man, go for it.

[ilovemyteddy]

Ah, I see you have posted whilst I?ve been writing this, and many of the things below have been addressed in your most recent post. But I?ll post this anyway as I?ve been thinking about your situation and wanted to offer you some thoughts that I?ve had.

When my affair ended I sought and received advice online from other women who had been in my situation. I was told to look at my marriage to ?see what was missing in it? and also to see whether the things that had attracted me to the OM could be introduced into my marriage as it maybe needed ?spicing up.? I floundered about for quite a while, organising romantic meals and weekends away, trying to get my DH to be something that he wasn?t (romantic and spontaneous) whilst at the same time looking at what I?d had with OM with rose-tinted glasses (?turning the sordid into the star-crossed? as I?ve quoted before on here.) I?m not saying for a moment that you are doing this, just want to illustrate my feelings at the time this happened to me.

What I realised about my marriage during those difficult, lonely days of trying to ?fix? things was that it was a partnership of equals - DH and I have complimentary skills and character traits; we have always shared responsibility for everything, whether it be bringing up the DC, cooking the dinner or giving each other emotional support during bad times. We have our moments, like all couples, but generally we have a well-balanced relationship with a lot of give and take and a fair amount of compromising on both sides.

I was thinking about your DH throwing ?for better, for worse? at you, and also about your Catholic guilt (which I understand only too well.) If you think about those marriage vows there is a balance between them: ?better-worse?, ?sickness-health? ?richer-poorer?. The good and bad are balanced out so that you enjoy the good times together but also support each other during the bad. This is what I think is missing in your marriage from what you have posted on here and on other threads. You have sole responsibility for paying the mortgage; DH is not trying to find work. That is just one example ? your posts reveal many more.

I think from what you have posted that there is, and has been, a big imbalance between you and DH in terms of shared responsibility for everything that goes on in your daily lives and in your relationship. You both have to live those vows that you are so keen on sticking to, not just you. I think you should try and put your affair to one side at the moment and really look at whether your marriage is saveable.

[howdiditcometothis]

Thanks everyone.

I?m sorry- I?m at work all day today but I had to respond to your message. Everything you describe is so familiar to me and I am trying to do exactly what you are ? in terms of trying to clear my head. Get some distance between me and this period of madness. I want to be able to see the wood for the trees. I want to be able to look at my situation on its own terms without any implications of OM being anywhere in the picture.

Like you, my marriage was at a very very low point before OM ever came on the scene (and like you say ? not an excuse). I am extremely self reliant yet I worry that I was simply very vulnerable at the time. OM has been a very nurturing presence in my life (ridiculous as that may seem given the carnage). I?m so used to being the strong one and making all the decisions, driving everything forward, managing the day to day responsibilities until my head was so full of responsibility and tasks that I resented DH so much. There are bigger issues but I am starting to realise that the big draw of OM was the fact that he admired my career and achievements but still wanted to look out for me.

I have always said that I don?t need anybody to look after me but perhaps that?s a big lie that I?ve been repeating to myself like a mantra for years. OM reads me really well and is the first person that I have been able to accept that nurturing from (if that makes any sense?). He isn?t overbearing and it doesn?t feel like he is trying to take control or patronise me but just says ?everybody needs to be looked after sometimes and that is ok.

So, I did start to think along the lines that if that was what was missing from my marriage and I could somehow fix that, there might be a chance. But, you can?t change people can you? I can?t make DH suddenly start taking accountability or responsibility, being proactive, thinking of things and getting on with them, finding a job and seeing that it is important to keep it, that he has responsibilities to DD. I have tried and it is for this reason that the cracks really started to show. I?m just not sure that he is actually capable of it. And I wonder how I didn?t see this in the early days 8 or 9 years ago. But I guess it didn?t matter then, we were young I was striving forward with my career, we got drunk and had fun when not working, we didn?t have the responsibilities of a child, mortgage etc. When we hit difficult times, DH failing his professional exams, losing his first job, I supported him and protected him. I covered up for him so that people wouldn?t think less of him because I thought the world of him and thought it was teething problems and he?d get the hang of working and get on with it.

But the disappointments kept coming and it got to the point where I dreaded the next time that we would seemingly get on an even keel and he would come home and tell me that it had all gone horribly wrong. What started to wind me up is that it was never his fault in any way that these things happened to him, he wouldn?t say, I messed up and this is how I?ll make sure it doesn?t happen next time, he?d say ? this has been done to me, I am a victim of circumstance, somebody else?s actions. It?s not fair.

When I went on mat leave, I had saved up while I was pregnant to ensure that all our outgoing could be met, I had stashed away enough so that we had exactly the same income until I went back to work. I was so upset and scared about leaving my baby and going back and I said to him in the couple of months before, I?ll really need your help and support in this. I?m dreading it, it?s a new and pressured job (genuinely the first time I?d asked him) I don?t know if I can make it work with family life. I don?t know if it will give us the balance I need with a baby but I?ll try. 2 weeks before I started my new job, he went on the sick, eventually being dismissed. Leaving me with absolutely no choice but to carry on in what has turned out to be a very demanding role in a recession with a mortgage to pay. Since then he has only just started to look for work and tells me there is nothing. He didn?t for one minute think of the financial implications of leaving his job. My job is well paid (but miserable) and luckily can cover the outgoings but I feel forced into it. I would never in a million years leave a job without having another to go to leaving us exposed to possible repossession.

[andwhatnow]

Howdiditcometothis ? I?m not sure how much help I can be because I?m going through a very similar thing. I do remember reading your thread last summer and was tempted to post, but was in a bit of a state. I haven?t reread your whole thread again, but, if I remember correctly, there are a lot of similarities between our situations. I too have been with my husband throughout my twenties and early thirties (am now 36). We have a dd, aged 12 and ds aged 11. Dh is a good man, who has supported me hugely throughout our relationship. However, due to many complex reasons (which at the time I didn?t understand, but can in hindsight) I ended up falling for OM. Without going into massive detail, the friendship (which developed slowly but surely) was very much based on intellectual and emotional attachments and I experienced feelings that I have never experienced before about him. He was very different to my husband in terms of personality. For various reasons such as the daily pressures of life and to be honest, some very distinct personality differences, dh and I certainly had grown apart. Clichéd I know, but true, and easy to realise in hindsight.

Looking back (and this is absolutely NO excuse, but simply some form of explanation) I think I was/am depressed/experiencing some sort of midlife crisis. A very close friend and my mother died two and a half years ago and a few other major things happened in terms of my job etc and taking on lots of stuff involving work and some travel, which made me feel like I was 36 going on 96. I am normally the most consistent, pragmatic, responsible person you could meet, with strong family values and a very ?hard on myself? attitude. I?m the one that people normally come to for grounding and advice. I?m frequently seen as the practical, rational person at work. Yet, I feel as though I?ve completely lost the plot.

Over the last few months (contact with OM is severed ? almost ? occasional contact out of my control). I have very much grown stronger in terms of realising that for me, the worst thing I could have done was leave dh for him. The distance between us is helping. I know that my marriage in many ways is good (although does that necessarily make it ?right???) I know that my dh is a good man and a wonderful father. I know actually, that in many ways he deserves more because I feel like a complete shitbag. I feel like I?ve lost my identify, that I?m weak, gullible and pathetic.

At the moment I am in limbo getting through each day. I feel like I can?t really look to the future, I can?t make future plans. I?ve had a little counselling and she did pinpoint that I was very much tied up in what I should do (ie, stay in my marriage) than what I want to do (although she agreed that I wasn?t entirely sure either way). I know all the stuff about affairs happening in ?good? marriages but this has rocked me to the core. There are so many things to consider ? is the guilt overshadowing my ability to be ?me? and make my marriage work? How come I formed such an attachment to somebody else (it certainly wasn?t a physical attraction for a long time) and somebody quite different from dh? When did dh and I start growing apart (it was certainly before OM, I have thought long and hard about that) but obviously, the presence of the OM had horrendous effects.

I?m not sure why I am telling you this, as I?m obviously in a complete mess myself. I have followed posters like Ilovemyteddy who have given such thoughtful advice and am not able to do that.

The only thing I would say, is that distance does help. You can sever contact and although it is hard, it does help to begin to clear your mind. That?s certainly not to say that you and dh will then be okay, certainly not, but at least YOU might be in a better frame of mind to deal with the future. Also, I can give you my empathy ? I never, ever want to feel like this again or hurt my family the way I have. And there is a part of me that thinks all of this hurt and pain which although isn?t inflicted by OM, is still caused by our feelings for each other, surely any relationship that came out of that (and he too, is recently out of a long, hard relationship) would be so hard and would carry so much baggage and guilt. However, if its meant to be, it will, but only when you have healed yourself.

[loves2cycle]

I'd say the most important thing is to take some action now to change things, then you won't be failing her at all, you will be ensuring she has a happier childhood than if you continue stuck in your marriage.

my DH and I had some terrible arguments when DS1 was about 2yrs old and he used to bang something on the table or floor as hard as he could. As if to drown out the noise. Awful, I understand the sick feeling you have about that. We managed to stop after 2 or 3 such arguments and have found other ways to deal with our issues so we attempted to limit the damage.

Feeling hopelessly guilty about what has already happened is pointless, you just need to use your guilt or upset to make you feel angry enough about your situation to change it.

You're catholic? That must be affecting your perspective on this considerably. A few people close to me are catholic and they seem ridden with guilt, like you so guilty they can't see the wood for the trees.

[howdiditcometothis]

she has woken up to hear us. I feel so horribly sick when I think about it. She was screaming and saying 'stop banging' 'stop shouting'. She's only 2. I brought her into bed with me and cuddled her to sleep but I know it just isn't good enough. I really do feel sick to the pit of my stomach thinking about it. I've really failed her already.

[howdiditcometothis]

yes lookingfoxy I think you are largely right about the guilt. The catholicism doesn't help. I do wonder if he might be happier without me. The thing is that we have grown apart in terms of outlook, goals, ambition. I don't feel able to have another baby with him and it really hurts me that DD won't have a sibling. I'm from a big family. I'm more driven. He's attractive and gentle and I think he could find somebody who adores him. I did in times gone by - we really did love each other. It hurts us both so much to wonder how the fuck we ended up where we are now. but we have changed as we've grown up through our twenties and into our thirties. We can't communicate anymore. I've taken on every responsibility and can't do it anymore, he has no appetite to deal with real life or responsibility.

[lookingfoxy]

Totally agree with loves2cycle, your dh also deserves better than this, although he may not realise it at the moment (not a dig btw)

[loves2cycle]

From what you've described the only way things will be right for your DD is after you've separated. It can't be right for her that you and DH are fighting so much and pushing each other emotionally and physically. If these arguments happen after she's in bed, what about if she woke up and heard you? Or came to find you yelling at each other or worse? How is that ever better than separating?

You need to make an appointment with a family law specialist in a good firm of lawyers and find out your rights - your DH can't take your DD away from you. You might be sent for mediation but it sounds as though you need help to understand the nextfew steps of the process.

I think you have to act quickly on this - for your DDs sake mainly but also because you deserve to have a more enjoyable life than this. Whether the OM is part of that or not seems a bit irrelevant to me, surely you would be better living on your own with DD than this?

Could you sell the house and each rent somewhere near ish to each other so you can share childcare etc?

[lookingfoxy]

OP - just finished a similar situation to yourself but without an OM involved and because it was me making him leave the family home, went into homeless accommodation and finally (yesterday) into a lovely private let and the guilt crushed me that this man had to go through all this hardship because 'I' couldn't live with him anymore (he would have put up with just about anything to stay), it was the guilt that made me stay in an unhappy situation so long, so I know your guilt because the OM was/is involved must be immense.
Your 'H' will survive and come through the other side of you breaking up and so will you and your DD.

[merrywidow]

Probably not going to be of help here, I think i posted on your previous thread.

I am with OM, realised that I loved him over fifteen years ago though had known him much longer.

had terrible marrige with H who passed away.

OM and I got together after H passed away. We had both become free due to different circumstances; I guess real love will wait.

[waterrat]

but an unhappy family is not a good way for your DD to grow up. What is important is for her to understand that relationships should be good and should make you happy. Do you want her to learn that family life is intrinsically about suffering? Perhaps that seems extreme - but so many people who grow up in unhappy families go on to recreate them - because that is what they know. It goes SO deep - the lessons we learn from our parents. It's completely subliminal.

Do you want your daughter to think that love is less important than sticking with things? I know people who grew up in families like that - and they see dysfunctional/ unhappy relationships as normal.

What would be best for your daughter - is for YOU to be happy - and for you to believe that is a worthwhile thing to seek out.

The practical issues will work themselves out. You only live once, dont spend years being unhappy in order to achieve some ideal view of family life. And dont spend years being unhappy because of worry about practicalities.

Your H might be happier if you set him free- though he might not see that now.

[lookingfoxy]

Ah, just clicked, its the guilt isn't it.
You don't think you'd be able to live with yourself splitting up with your 'h' who has no job and would have to move into rented accommodation himself.
I think he knows this and may be using it to keep you.
Well, he will survive, believe me.
You can claim tax credits to cover up to 80% of childcare costs, if he won't or can't be amicable about breaking up.
Would relate help you to split reasonably amicably, it can be done you know, you are not trapped forever if you are so unhappy.

[howdiditcometothis]

I'm surprised that this would be described as being a martyr. Believe me my behaviour hasn't been that. I do want to try and make things right though for DD.

I'll get some advice. I could call in a favour with a friend who might be able to advise me on what would happen if it ends up in a split.

And as to the question of whether I love OM. Yes. But then I question what is love anyway? I want him to be happy, I want him to feel loved and wanted and I recognise that my car crash life is nothing but corrosive to him at the moment. If it's real and after everything that's passed it feels very much so, it will wait until and if we're both free.

[tadpoles]

I'm just not sure what you are getting out of this (long term) relationship? It sounds as though you are grimly hanging on out of fear and duty and also as though your partner (and his family) are slightly blackmailing you.....unless you 'toe the line' they will take revenge with litigation and so on. It sounds as though you have been unhappy for so long in this relationship. Also, why would your partner want to continue with a situation which is making you both unhappy?

I am all for really trying to make a relationship work when there are children involved - but... I think you have really tried.

Maybe you could have a trial separation or something, to get some breathing space away from all these quite negative emotions?

[happiestblonde]

Are you still in love with OM?

Maybe it's time to walk away, maybe now you've had all this time the feelings were real and you should give it a shot knowing you tried so hard to do the 'right' thing?

[ilovemyteddy]

I understand that you want to give it your best shot before you call time on your marriage, but don't fall into the trap of thinking that, because you have had an affair, that you have to do all the work to make your relationship better. DH has to play his part too, and frankly, pushing you around would be a dealbreaker for me, however provoking you were.

In terms of getting advice on the financials etc of possibly splitting up, why don't you go to the CAB, or see a solicitor, just to see what your rights are, and those of your DH.

I have no knowledge of who gets custody etc in these situations, but hopefully someone will come along who does, or you could post a new thread.

I am so sorry that this is happening to you. Please don't give up hope - use your time to see what your options are before.

[lemonstartree]

HDICTT, you are being a martyr. Nobody loves a martyr. Your marriage is over. Leave it. Then decide about OM.

But you marriage is finished. How much more COULD you do ??