Breaking contact with OM

[howdiditcometothis]

Back story here

I feel like I'm having a breakdown. I've taken some time away and made the decision to work on my marriage -it is not bad enough to justify ending it. I know this means no contact whatsoever with OM. He says that he understands and supports the decision I've made but thinks we can maintain a friendship. I can't do that - I'm in love with him and I can't pretend to be his friend and ignore those intense feelings. I'm posting here to stop me replying to him or picking up the phone. I know if we talk, I won't feel able to do it. I would be so grateful if somebody would tell me how they have done this. I feel desperate. I need to switch these feelings off and forget about him. Somebody must have done this successfully before. PLease if you have dealt with a situation like this, please help me to end this. I need to get my life back on track.

coming back later op, was on your thread last yr.
x

Howdi -my last message was a bit convoluted. What I wanted to illustrate was that the balance of your marriage isn't equal. Don't put the blame all on yourself - it takes two to make a relationship and when one of you is doing all the work, both emotionally and physically it seems, then that balance is upset and results in the sort of turmoil you are going through at the moment.

I completely agree with Lemonstartree's comments above. OM is irrelevant because your marriage is over. I think you need to 'get outside of your head' and get some practical advice from the CAB or a solicitor about what your rights are WRT the house, maintenance etc. If you have the full facts about how splitting up will work WRT the practicalities of life then you may be able to see a way through your current situation.

andwhatnow - yes atruly horrible feeling. Like you, I have tried to think of DH's good points and he does have them. He is gentle and he is an excellent daddy. He enjoys DD and I wouldn't be able to do the job I do without him picking up childcare at the moment. I've talked to my best friend and her husband about some othe issues and her husbands said something which resonated with me. I was defending DH and saying that he was a brilliant Dad but he said he might well be an excellent father but he is an absolutely s**t husband isn't he? This is from somebidy who is quite proud of taking responsibility and providing for his family so an extreme view in some respects but it did resonate.

I've also thought about the negative traits I have (loads of them). I've been down and cold and unaffectionate in recent years with DH. I lose my temper and have allowed resentment to take hold of me.

I think an awful lot of OM but I have my eyes open and know that he will have his own flaws and weaknesses and character traits. We are all human and fallible after all. I don't allow myself to imagine a life with him - there was a dangerous point in time when I did allow myself to do that. I don't see him in my immediate future at all anymore. I know that he is a symptom of my failing marriage not the cause and not the solution either. Perversely I hope that I will hear at some point that he has happily moved on. It would help me to put him beyond the pale completely.

Perhaps the only thing which I'm glad of in this whole experience (if there is anything to be glad about) is the recognition that whether my marriage is at all salvageable I don't want to be in a relationship which is so unbalanced going forward or ever again. (Thanks Ilovemyteddy for helping me understand that) I want to be somebody I recognise and thaw out and feel myself again.

You wouldn't know it from my posts here but I am generally one of life's optimists.

lemonstarttree - I didn't mind the martyr comment at all - you don't post on mumsnet expecting anything but honest responses. And thank you for sharing how you coudl relate to that relief of not having to be in control all of the time. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going mad, other people just seem to get on with their marriages without all this soulsearching.

Thanks all for the support. It feels like there is some progress being made especially in mentally letting go of the whole OM situation and focussing on the here and now.

I remember piratecat.