Breaking contact with OM

[howdiditcometothis]

Back story here

I feel like I'm having a breakdown. I've taken some time away and made the decision to work on my marriage -it is not bad enough to justify ending it. I know this means no contact whatsoever with OM. He says that he understands and supports the decision I've made but thinks we can maintain a friendship. I can't do that - I'm in love with him and I can't pretend to be his friend and ignore those intense feelings. I'm posting here to stop me replying to him or picking up the phone. I know if we talk, I won't feel able to do it. I would be so grateful if somebody would tell me how they have done this. I feel desperate. I need to switch these feelings off and forget about him. Somebody must have done this successfully before. PLease if you have dealt with a situation like this, please help me to end this. I need to get my life back on track.

Why are you making yourself miserable over this? What is the point? In 50 years time, no-one will care one way or the other what happened. I agree with a previous poster - take control of your life and your happiness.

It isn't just about my personal happiness though is it? There are so many people to consider and think about. There must be people who have really fallen hard for someone outside their marriage but kept on with the marriage and ultimately think they did the right and even the brave thing and are glad?

but thats not going to happen if you keep giving in and calling him. Sounds like you want rescuing, just a little bit?

Im trying to think of where your DH is coming into this? does he know the full story?

Howdi - I have understood where you have been coming from on this. (I posted earlier on the thread), but now I am not so sure that you seriously do want to try with your DH.
I don't think you are being fair on your DH by holding on to OM's messages and e-mails which will rekindle all the emotion you feel for him every time you glance at them.
You really must do this if you want to give your DH a chance. And the other posters are right: touch, stroke, hold hands, talk to each other about life now, share outings/films/DVDs,fun, make new memories with your DH and this will help it feel right to be with him. But you can't hold on to the other at the same time.

I mean, you really must delete them...

If you don't want your affair to stop then the way forward is to be honest with DH, and start making arrangements to end your marriage.

If you want to stay married to DH then you have to cease all contact with OM, delete all texts, e-mails and ger rid of any memetoes of your time together, and start rebuilding your life with DH and DD.

What you need to stop doing is doing nothing and hoping that it will all resolve itself.

You are right in saying that it isn't just about your personal happiness; but as Baggyagy said upthread maybe DH will ultimately be happier if you free him from a marriage where he is not truly loved. DD will be happiest with two parents who love her, even if they aren't together. No one else really matters.

You have to take some control over this, Howdi, but no one call tell you what the right decision is. But you can't have it both ways - you have to take the plunge one way or another, and whatever decision you make will be hard, and painful. But you aren't being fair on anyone, including yourself, if you let things carry on the way they are.

I know I can't have it both ways. I'm going to make a big effort with DH this long weekend - try the stuff that people have suggested. Avoid any contact to or from OM for these three days. If I think its forever I can't do it. After that I'll keep trying one day at a time.

I think I have been in a sort of inertia hoping things will resolve or somehow become clearer and I am facing up to the fact that I have to take hold of it.

I'm considering telling somebody in RL - to try and break the spell.

If you are planning on telling someone in RL make sure that someone is a person who will tell it how it is, rather than someone who will only sympathise with you IYSWIM. I told a friend who's DH had had an affair years ago. She told me how much it had affected her then, and in some ways is still affecting her. It was talking to her that made me end my affair.

One day at a time is the only way to do it. It is an addiction and like all addicts you can only get through it one day at a time.

BTW I'm not advocating that you should give up on OM; only that you need to start making choices.

Here's a lesson for us all: Just a week or two ago I was waxing lyrical about how the no contact with OM rule was working for me after five months or so. I was really getting better to the point where I was almost at the point of thinking 'what was all the fuss about?'.

This weekend I saw OM for the first time since the spring. Now I'm straight back to stage one again - complete regression. It's kicked up all of those feelings once again unfortunately and I'm gutted! It just goes to show that the only way to move on is to completely break ties - forever. Any contact with him will keep you hanging on.

I think you've been really lucky on here OP; you've had a lot of support and great advice. When it was me over a year ago in the same situation I was flamed down by vile MNers accusing me of being the biggest slut in the world (and I hadn't even kissed the man!). I could have done with the advice you've had back then. Long may it continue. x

Your heart has to be in it with your DH otherwise, set him free.

How do you know OM is all that really? are you sure you arent just bored or lonely? building him up into something he isnt?

There is alot to be said for taking time out to be on your own.

Howdi

Telling someone in RL may be a good idea but are you likely to listen to their advice if that is what you are after? You already have over 180 posts already on this thread as I write from various posters suggesting ways to break contact with the OM but you've gone round in circles despite all the support and advice that you are getting.

I'm sure that this has been said already but you are not being fair on anyone here. You appear to want to make your marriage work and I do believe that you do, however you cannot say that in one voice and say in the same breath that you want your association with the OM to continue. Demonstrate your commitment to your marriage by severing all connections with the OM. The association is not healthy even if it is platonic. If he truly loves you then he would not want you to lose your self respect and integrity because of him and he would leave you alone.

Sigh...

and when he meets someone else, you wont see him for dust.

Probably not what you want to hear, but I've been there and done that too, but actually left my DH because I felt I would be living a lie for the rest of my life. OM is now my DH and we have a 7 yr old together and I have never regretted it. Felt very sorry for my ex initially but he found someone else and also has another child, so ultimately I think we've all ended up happier. You only have the one life - don't live it unhappily.

But if you have definitely decided to concentrate on your marriage, then don't have any contact at all with your OM. It can't work that way. Best of luck whatever you do, I know it's a terrible situation to be in x

I know I'm not being fair on anyone. I really do know that. I don't like myself for this. I have always acted with integrity before - I have never ever cheated or been anything but honest in my dealings with anybody.

I've told OM to go and find someone else. I really think that would bring me to my senses and end it for me. He says the thought of it turns his stomach completely and he doesn't want a relationship with anyone right now. He just wants to continue being in touch. Argghh.

I'm determined not to listen to him anymore. I've started looking at jobs closer to my parents. It's always been in the background as something we might consider doing in the future. If we could sell the house, I'd do it. I recognise now I need to do the drastic things. Blocking him on phone and email etc won't work. It's a start but I don't think ut will solve stuff.

I am grateful for the advice - even the harsh advice. I know I've been very lucky to receive such support.

A move and fresh start might be just what you need, at least you could say you gave it a go.

OM needs to leave you alone, he sounds pretty controlling tbh.

I don't see why you can't maintain a friendship with the OM. Take control of your emotions, accept that at present you are not in a position to have a relationship with him but that he could be a valuable person in your life. You don't have to cut him out - that will not automatically make your relationship with your partner work.

Work on your marriage as much as you want/need to. Be honest with your partner about having conflicting feelings. If OM really cares about you and respects you he will wait.

I think you are being overly melodramatic about this. Take the drama out of it. Accept that you have some conflicting emotions and stop beating yourself up about it. Once you have "worked on your marriage" as much as you feel you need to, I am sure that the way forward will be clearer.

rednosedays I'm interested in your perspective which is at odds with the majority on here.

I've pretty much polished off a bottle of wine in the last hour so apologies in advance for typos etc.

my first idea right at the outset of this whole ridiculous saga was to set things up so that I could introduce OM into OUR lives as a friend. At the time OM was still living at home and his view was that he couldn't reciprocate that. He said he felt like his wife would pick up on his feelings and be hurt.

The thing is it's the secrecy and lies which make it wrong. And if I could have him as an 'above board' friend, I'd definitely go down that route BUT given thhe fact that we have both disclosed feelings that go above and beyond that of friendship, I don't know if realistically that will work.

And I agree - I am being completelt over dramatic - I reckon that is partly not disclosing this in real life. My friends wouldn't spare me if they found this out - so many people think me and DH have the perfect marriage they would be absolutely horrified. Without the harsh light of day on it - it has become a fanatsy verging on reality and an addiction.

I recognise finally that I'm out of control with the whole thing and need to find a way to stop. I've been aware that the drinking was getting to be an issue but my bulimia is back with a vengeance - something that hasn't reared it's head in years. It's so shit that you can only ever see what a fuck up you are in hindsight isn't it?

why will he be a valuable person in her life? I dont think that at all. Its impossible to turn this into a friendship when there have been so many emotions involved.

I have just sat and read your earlier posts with the texts messages in them. He doesnt sound my type at all!! a wee bit dramatic. Be careful.

Sorry to contradict rednose but if the OM really cares for you HE WILL LET YOU GO.

agree about the melodramatics though!! the whole things reads more complicated then it should be. Its pretty simple, cut contact. Change phone and emails.

Be true to yourself and take care.

OP it is not reality to think you can make this man a family friend. That's making excuses to see him when you both know you want something else.

If you really want to be together, do it. If you are not sure,take some time out on your own. Rent, move away, have an adult gap year!

Be honest with yourself and your DH. Would you leave your DH if the OM wasn't around- or is he an escape route?

I have got this T shirt too- but in my case the OM ended it, to be fair to my family. Very noble, but it hurt. I know exactly how you feel, but you have to take control and decide what you want-but make sure that the OM is genuine and not a silver tongued Lothario.

the messages he was sending her is making me think he is a silver tongued Lothario. He might run a mile if she was to leave her DH.

kittya

precisely because of you saying that previously I challenged him on it - it made him upset and angry and he told me he'd leave me alone if I thought he could be so shallow - he must have been deluded, must have thought it was something it wasn't.

I have listened to you a lot - not always what I want to hear but everything you've said has been something I've thought myself and discounted.

Yes - he's good with words. But I expect that - he's really bright. Part of the whole thing has been exchanging books, poetry and stuff I've written. I've got a small deal to be published with a book. It was happening before him and I actually wrote it years ago but I let him read it. That might make some people feel queasy but I love reading, always have and he does too. I'd be surprised if he couldn't express himself. I know that he hasn't been some sort of serial philanderer - his wife has confirmed as much.

BUT I do appreciate the fact that you bring me back to earth and make me question it.

Oh, god, I feel bad now.

I have a knack of doing that, I think its because one of my best friends always gets involved with these arty musician types and theres always so much drama around them.

Like I said to her, get yourself self someone who works in a bank!! but, that wouldnt be interesting would it?

Its precisely because you think he is your type.

Try not to open the vino tonight and dwell on it all. I can talk, Im just on my first (glass, not bottle)

I reckon that move that you talked about might be a good idea.

No. Kittya. Don't feel bad. I need a dose of realism and telling it like it is. You are good at that. My sisters would no doubt say the same, I suppose he is and he isn't an arty musician type. He holds down a very professional full time job at the same time so I don't see him purely as a creative type lost in his own world. But I do see where you're coming from, definitely.

Probably has yearnings to do it fulltime but couldnt because family and financial committments got in the way?

Its nice to meet someone like that, someone thats not mundane.

Hah, tell your sister!! I bet you darent but it might bring you back down to earth.

Its a horrible situation to be in. We always think the grass is greener.

OP- I was following all of your posts but havelost track a while back.
Tell me- and it mighthelp yout oo- what is the dliemma?
1 That you aren't sure of your feelings for him?
2 That you don't want to hurt your H?
3 That you have decided to make it work with your H and are finding it hard?

I have tried to tell you about me, but you have ignored it.

I had OM- not really sexual- many years back. 2 years of phone calls and few meetings. he was an ex- were had been engaged 20 yrs before and he broke it off- too young.

I couldn't leave my Dh as my kids were young. He was on his 2nd marriage so he was trying hard to make it work too.

His 2nd wife had left her H for him and he was always guilty about it. He moved away and didn't contact me for over 2 years during which time they did divorce, but I didn't know.

We are in touch again...he is onhis own again.
Reason for my telling you- if your OM really cares about you and you want to make your marriage work, he should back off.