Breaking contact with OM

[howdiditcometothis]

Back story here

I feel like I'm having a breakdown. I've taken some time away and made the decision to work on my marriage -it is not bad enough to justify ending it. I know this means no contact whatsoever with OM. He says that he understands and supports the decision I've made but thinks we can maintain a friendship. I can't do that - I'm in love with him and I can't pretend to be his friend and ignore those intense feelings. I'm posting here to stop me replying to him or picking up the phone. I know if we talk, I won't feel able to do it. I would be so grateful if somebody would tell me how they have done this. I feel desperate. I need to switch these feelings off and forget about him. Somebody must have done this successfully before. PLease if you have dealt with a situation like this, please help me to end this. I need to get my life back on track.

He sounds very controlling. If you leave it I think he'll end up just pissing you off anyway because he won't leave you alone. I think I'd be a bit put off by his neediness and persistance.

Is he older then you?

I won't meet in person, its too much. I want to know what his ideas are - I haven't put the other messages I've had today but they seemed to be getting at helping me to sort stuff at home not telling me to leave. I can't concentrate or focus anymore.

12 years older

OP- I think this is verging on stalking and emotional blackmail.

He is now moving things along so that he can be your friend when you are in a mess; but it still involves him, and he will stand to gain from seeing you.

I don't think it would be good to respond. People take notice of what people do not say. If you really mean no contact then you have to show that is what you mean.

I know exactly how you feel. It's invigorating to be wantedby someone. My OM was very demanding when it suited him. But over time he got bored, I suspect ( and he always admitted he wanted his wife back) and when I agreed to move it along- called his bluff really- he backed off. I would hate that to happen to you- if you said to this guy okay, I am leaving my DH, let's get together- there is a chance he might run for the hills and that this was all about the chase and what he couldn't have.

If I were you, I would try to leave it for at least a week before you make any more contact- and when the week is up- another week, and so on.

Seriuosly think about having time on your own- can you take an extended holiday ?

You know in your position, I think I'd be panicking a bit. He does seem controlling, like popzie said. He knows you are vulnerable right now, he must know how bad you are feeling. Surely if he loves you that much he would leave you alone as you have asked.

I'm worried for you because you are at such a low ebb. Place your needs first here, not his. Don't respond to him. Think about what you need.

The cuddle from your H you described yesterday/day before? sounded much more nurturing than this guy hassling you. Can you get a babysitter and go out for a walk with your H this evening? Tell him you need him right now to come home and hold you.

I'm not panicked. I really trust him and I know that might make me seem like a very silly girl but I do. I have all of the rest of the time I've known him to judge and I honestly do trust him. I'm finding it as hard as he is to finish it for good and I can understand where he's coming from, trying to do it gradually. I can see that gradual won't work and we have to bring things to an abrupt stop.

Unfortunately I can't take any more annual leave - I took last week and went away with my DD to clear my head. Didn't work though.

I've had a good long cry driving home from work and it helped. Just got to keep going through this painful bit and not look back I suppose.

Do you really truelly want to stay with your husband?

He is being controlling in that he is dragging it on, he is supposed to be a man ffs!! he's being cruel if you ask me.

The quickest way to do it is to change your phone number and ignore emails. Oh, and dont go to see him if he is doing any session work or, whatever he does with bands.

I don't know Kittya but I don't feel able to make that decision in this highly emotionally charged state. I need to find a bit of calm and then try to understand wtf has gone on the last few months and the last couple of years with my marriage.

I want it to be worth saving because I believed in it and I feel as though I'll never believe in anything I think or feel ever again if I could be so wrong about that.

I would never say you're 'a silly girl'.

You know him, none of us do, so if you trust him then that's fine.

Do you think he might be playing with your head just a little though? Even if he doesn't realise it, or can't admit it to himself. He is the free one in all this isn't he? He isn't deceiving anyone anymore, but he's asking you to continue deceiving your H, by meeting him. Asking you repeatedly, despite knowing how much pain you're in.

You're right - don't look back now. If you've ignored those last few texts, you're doing really well, so keep on going.

He is absolutely playing with my head and emotions but I don't think it is nasty or premeditated.

I acepted a call before I drove home (I know, I know, I know). I put it to him what people have been saying on here; that he should just leave me alone, the more I pull away the more he seems to want me and perhaps he is just addicted to the chase of it all. If I ever were free to be with him he would run for the hills. And on that basis it's completely out of order of him to carry on hurting me and stopping me moving on and getting over it.

He was (really) angry with me for suggesting it and said so. Pointed out he'd lost his marriage and home and seeing all the hurt that caused and continues to cause would never treat my feelings or anybody else's with such contempt. Said he was amazed I could accuse him of that when he's only ever treated me with love and respect. But he said he recognises 'you're not mine' and he's been acting like an idiot - says its taking a bit of time to sink in - thick skull and all that but he knows and just wants a couple of days to get used to it and also to recognise that I'm right and we can't be friends.

I know it sounds like we keep repeating the same things back and forth but I do feel like its progress - an acceptance and I think the fact that I was so upset on the phone flicked a switch with him. He texted me afterwards to say 'we can't have you sounding like that, we simply can't have it, I'm getting there'.

Howdi, that does sound like progress. Keep progressing, being open at least on here and allowing people to give you their outside thoughts. I hope it hasn't contributed to your confusion and that it has helped you to stay strong in your resolve to let this relationship go for now. I really hope you're ok...

Thanks MerryMarigold. I have some moments of clarity and then find my mind is racing a lot. Some of what people have said on here has stung a bit but nothing that has been said isn't something I've pondered over myself or challenged OM on. I read this thread back and thnk I sound like a complete sap. I'm not - I've got a very successful career (not that that is that important) and I'm capable of seeing through things.

Yes me and OM are both to blame in getting carried away romantically but I think we're both facing up to the bleakness of the situation now.

I know people think he's controlling and bad news but that isn't the image of him that I want to be left with because I am in the process of ending it for good but there is no way I can undo it or will forget it. I'd rather look back and think we had an incredible connection but it was a case of wrong time and wrong place and I eventually made the right choice. I think it will do more damage to cast him as the villain. He really isn't.

I don't think I'm a bad person. I never slept with OM and I did confess to DH. The continued contact after that confession I am not proud of and I am trying to get to a place where I can make amends to my DH for that.

I didn't go looking for this and I've made bad choices but I am focussed I think at last on the future. I have to visualise and accept a future without him and for the first time I'm doing that. So what if it takes a couple more days. Don't I owe OM that? I am at least half to blame. I have a marriage to work on once I walk away completely from him and he has nobody.

I think msbrightside talked about her situation where her OM went back to his DW and she bombarded him with messages at the outset. I wouldn't have said that was controlling or obsessional but somebody in love in a hopeless situation trying to process things. She seems lovely. She's probably not proud of that and nor am I of the times I have initiated contact and responded when I should hold my nerve but I'm not a machine.

You havent slept together and yet he is still this intense? I wonder what wouldve happened if you had? did you want to?

I have never wanted anybody as much as I wanted him. I am proud of the fact that we were restrained and that is a testament to him. He thought it would make me run away all together if we crossed that line.

has he been involved with anyone else whilst this is all going on? What did your DH make of it all when you told him?

Its so hard but the best thing would be to cut all contact and stick by it. Easier said then done, I know.

No he hasn't. DH wouldn't discuss the affair. Still won't mention it even now. He has counselling for some other stuff - maybe he talked about it there. I honestly don't know.

I will cut contact and after an emotional day of tears I feel calmer and more detatched from OM. But I won't just drop him without allowing him a couple of days like he's asked. I would be so terribly hurt if he did that to me but you ladies have opened my eyes so nor will I be manipulated. It is ending and that process is well underway.

You're not a machine true. But I fear you are deep in denial. It is not ending. Neither of you are ending it. A couple more days will be a couple more days then will be more. It will never end till one of you shuts the other one out.

I think I'm going to have to have to step away from this thread now howdi because I'm not sure me banging on at you is doing you any good. And it's too painful to watch you going thru what I went thru. Really glad you've got more people than just me now to talk to.

I hope you manage to sort it out. I never could and it's wrecked me in many ways. But then you're a different person to me (despite the same taste in men). I don't want to give you any more advise coloured by
my own experience. I have tried to stay objective, but tis impossible I guess. For the record though I don't know whether your husband or your OM is the right one for you. In a way I doubt it really matters. What I think matters is you and you making space for figuring you out. Until you do that you're a timebomb. Please try and get that time and space. Don't fill it with lies or fantasies about love and family. Be your own rescuer x

Much love lady. Take care xx

Ok digggers I completely appreciate why you need to step away. I keep thinking as I post stuff 'this will annoy the shit out of digggers, why can't I just take the sensible well intentioned advice?'. Thanks so much for everything. I'm further on than you realise and that is down to you largely. Without your advice I'd still be inflating the feelings, indulging in fantasies with OM in the bubble about our life together. I may not be completely away from him but I'm not in that bubble anymore. I'd really like to hear your full story sometime. Sorry for us both that we attract/are attracted to the same types!

Thank you x

its all bad timing isnt it?

No bother lass, I think you're lovely!
Tis amazing these connections that we find throughout our lives. Although actually with so many people in the world it's amazing we don't have more. Nice to have connected with you. Yes twould be nice to share stories one day, maybe when you've finished this chapter we can compare.

And even though I go on about how much I got broken, I am ok. Very happy alot of the time. Somethings about me will never be the same, but that's maybe as it should be x

good luck x

Terrible timing kittya. Absolutely terrible.

He has now backed off completely and I miss him so much already but think it's the right thing (although it feels like somebody's ripping my arm off). One day at a time. Keep myself busy today and drink myself into oblivion so I can sleep.

Digggers said :
"I don't know whether your husband or your OM is the right one for you. In a way I doubt it really matters. What I think matters is you and you making space for figuring you out. Until you do that you're a timebomb. Please try and get that time and space. Don't fill it with lies or fantasies about love and family. Be your own rescuer"

I've been lurking about on both your threads, and this piece of advice from Digggers really hit home with me, because I think she's got to the crux of your problem.

I had an affair some time ago which was supposed to be about NSA sex but quickly developed into declarations of 'love', 'soulmates' and 'meant to be together' on both sides. I was addicted to the illicitness of it all and confused lust with love and excitement with romance. When the guilt of cheating on DH and DC kicked in I called time on the affair. OM agreed, and disappeared out of my life. After two weeks of pain and misery I tried to contact him again, but got no replies to my texts or e-mails. From that day to this I have heard nothing from him. Love, soulmates and ?I?m crazy about you? all disappeared in a puff of smoke.

OM?s disappearance gave me the time and space to work on my marriage, which I did; and after a period of intense pain and sadness I felt like I had moved forwards. A few months after my affair ended I started a friendship with a work colleague which quickly escalated into me agreeing to NSA sex with him (which didn?t happen). It was only then that I realised that I had put a great deal of effort into my marriage, but nothing into sorting out MYSELF. Outwardly I was the same person but inwardly I was a complete wreck, full of self-doubt and self-loathing. I was that timebomb that Digggers talks about ? happily married (honestly), but broken inside. I went to my GP and got counselling on the NHS, which has helped me come to terms with what I did, and the experiences and character-traits that inform my decision-making. I discovered a lot about myself that I don?t like; but I also know what my triggers are, and how to deal with them.

All of the above is a big preamble for what I want to say to you which is that you really MUST give yourself time and space to work out what you want. If your marriage isn?t fulfilling, can it be changed, or do you need to split from your DH? Don?t let the pressure of ?what people might think? dictate what you should do, or staying together for the sake of DD. Only you truly know whether you want to spend the rest of your life with DH. You also need to help OM give you the space you need. DO NOT respond to his communications. Insist that you need time and space: that a rushed decision could be the wrong one. If he loves you then he will give you the space you need. If he doesn?t give you that space ? well, actions speak louder than words. Try and get some counselling if you can ? not relationship counselling but personal counselling so that you can be helped to work out how you got here, and where you go from here.

Gather up as much willpower as you can and don?t contact OM. Don?t be hard on yourself for the situation that you find yourself in, but don?t let inertia dictate what happens next. This isn?t about DH or OM. It?s about YOU. Don?t take the easy option - take some positive action to move your life forwards. As Digggers says ?be your own rescuer.?

Hey, you sound calmer...hope it's gently and slowly getting better. I can sympathise with the feeling of 'my tears have been my food, day and night' (Psalm 42). So glad you didn't sleep with him, this would probably have been impossible for you to do. Massive respect for that. To both of you actually. There is a way out, a way through, you're on it, and discovering a bit more of it each day. I look forward to hearing your story in a year's time, and where you are...

Yes that advice from digggers about being my own rescuer did strike a chord with me. Although it makes me feel a bit of a fuck up to be honest. Ilovemyteddy - thank you it does help to hear from people who have been through similar and I do recognise that thing of looking fine and the same from the outside but being a total mess on the inside. I doubt that anybody at work or whatever would have an inkling that anything was wrong in any way - I'm very much at the middle of my team and easing things along for everyone. The truth is that my attention span has GONE. I'm consumed with thoughts of him.

If the practical side of things wasn't so difficult, I'd ask DH for a couple of weeks on my own (with DD) but it isn't possible. I've been looking at the costs of renting a property nearby and doing the sums as to whether I could afford it and keep up the mortgage repayments in the short term. That flies in the face of working on the marriage I suppose but I it feels good to have some sort of escape route planned.