Breaking contact with OM

[howdiditcometothis]

Back story here

I feel like I'm having a breakdown. I've taken some time away and made the decision to work on my marriage -it is not bad enough to justify ending it. I know this means no contact whatsoever with OM. He says that he understands and supports the decision I've made but thinks we can maintain a friendship. I can't do that - I'm in love with him and I can't pretend to be his friend and ignore those intense feelings. I'm posting here to stop me replying to him or picking up the phone. I know if we talk, I won't feel able to do it. I would be so grateful if somebody would tell me how they have done this. I feel desperate. I need to switch these feelings off and forget about him. Somebody must have done this successfully before. PLease if you have dealt with a situation like this, please help me to end this. I need to get my life back on track.

what msbrightside said.

eventually, this to shall pass.

oh and tips for keeping busy - book up your weekends with activities - keep busy with friends etc, talk things through thoroughly with a trusted friend - flushing out all your thoughts and feelings with someone else dilutes the intensity of the affair. don't leave yourself alone with your thoughts for too long, the temptation to communicate becomes huge.

sounds like your house is going to get a revamp too ;)

I know you're really in love with this guy, but he is beginning to annoy me! Sorry to be blunt - but he has started making me cross.

He is clever - so why does he keep saying this is the last one? How many last ones? How many times does he say 'I'm going to let you go', 'I'm going to give you space' - only to send another text or even a voicemail. He can't even leave it for a few hours - what kind of 'love' is that for you? It is VERY self focussed - and believe me, if he continued down that path, you would not have a very happy life. As someone else said, I think, he is in love with being in love. I don't say that in an overly judgey way, because I have been there too...it is a wonderful feeling, and promotes all sorts of creativity - but it is a feeling not a person.

Every time you get a text from him from now on, consider it an act of un-love. If he sends no more, then that's a good sign of his feelings.

I don't know all your story with your dh, but I'm glad he's being patient and giving you a chance. I think it's always worth trying again, properly, sorting the problems out at the root. Then at least if you do eventually move on, you have a lot more awareness of what the issues were.

Ms brightside. That's all so well said. Really respect how kind you are being to him, and I'm sure he appreciates it (from a distance).

OP- I have read all your posts. I can't help but ask- are you really sure you want to stay with your DH?
Are you thinking of some counselling to help you?

big hug lady. stay strong. wel odne for sticking to your guns. I really really would strongly advise changing your number still though, as I doubt you've heard the last from him. In two weeks time when you've just got through the worst of the pain you'll get a text that'll throw you back to square one again. Honestly it won't stop until you make it stop.

And do you already know his number off by heart? Hopefully you have in in your phone as his name and not as his number so you have no idea of it. As soon as you change your number, delete his. So you can't in a moment of weakness text him from your new number and start it all again. (guess who did that clever little manouvre ;-))

Infact don't do what I did, change your number, delete his from your phone, but be unable to delete all his texts and so find yourself re reading them and staring at his number at the top of them all until you accidentally are texting it. I still have that phone in my jewellery box. Eventually I just had to buy a new phone because I couldn't bring myself to delete all the texts, but I couldn't bear to look at them or have access to his number.

AAAAAAGH. I do know where you are , honest. As do the others. Stay strong, keep talking here, don't contact him, and make it impossible for him to keep contacting you.

Ms Brightside offers you a great perspective, he is texting for his benefit and to remind you the love is real. But if the love is real it'll still be there when you're free to accept it, practically and emotionally.

Totally agree with Purple peony, I'm not sure you should default stay with your husband either. Seems to me the only things keeping you with him are fear of what family and friends would think, not wanting to face the realities of sharing childcare and access and a desire to keep loving him after he rescued from your depression after your previous boyfriend's suicide. But what do i know, i'm just some random lass on tinternet who bizzarrely really cares about you.

You have to get some space and counselling though to work all this out yourself! you've made a start. Keep at it.

No I'm not sure purplepeony BUT I can't think straight at the moment. I'm very scared of thowing away a chance to be a family unit.

"Every time you get a text from him from now on, consider it an act of un-love. If he sends no more, then that's a good sign of his feelings."

spot on MM!

The thing is ,if you are love with the OM ,how are you going to make the marriage work ? Your dh is at a real disadvantage when you already love another man.I would suggest that you spend time apart from both of them if its at all possible,give yourself time to sort out yourself and what you really want from your life.Its plain to see you are very unhappy at the moment.If you really think you can rebuild your marriage [ and want to ]then please change all your email and phone numbers.

I'm really glad you're getting so much support from people who have been in similar situations. But they're all saying the same thing - that IF you really want to make your marriage work, you need to break all contact. Perhaps tell us about how you're getting on with that? Keep posting about it, if it helps to get positive feedback about the steps you're taking.

When my H had admitted an emotional affair and we had counselling, our counsellor suggested we stop thinking about HER, and focus on US as a couple - what we need and want from each other, what made each other fall in love with other person etc. To start with I was a bit cross that I was being encouraged to move focus away from what I felt the problem was - the OW - but I agreed in the spirit of 'working on our relationship' and not just cherry picking bits of counselling that were good for me.

And it helped me re-connect with H, and I think helped him. We talked about what each other is like and laughed about shared things. Maybe that would help you - to stop thinking about your OM and start thinking about your H.

How is he coping with this situation? Does he notice you being distracted in the evenings? Do you think he's hurting about your affair? I hope he is really, as at least that way you know he cares about your marriage.

Msbrightside my heart goes out to you. You are being so brave and I'm sure you are doing the right thing.

Unfortunately digggers, I know his number (and work email address) by heart. I'm just like that with numbers- I only need to look at them a few times and they lodge. And I know that this goes against the grain but the thought of never hearing from him again and having no chance of contacting him literally terrifies me and makes my blood run cold. I know that makes no sense but I guess that is the feeling that I am trying to get past.

loves2walk - thank you for posting, I appreciate it must be really difficult given the topic and I admire you for that. You are right of course that I should be focusing at home and I am trying hard - things have thawed out a little but still very strange. DH will not talk about it AT ALL. We don't talk much and when we do it is around DD. We've spent some time apart at weekends recently and when I went to my mum and dad's for some headspace, I felt pretty heavy hearted heading home. BUT I do think there is some hope otherwise I wouldn't be trying.

Just read your post msbrightside - very tough to walk away from love like that but so good that you can leave him and distance yourself. Are you married? How have you managed if so to connect back with your H? If you have, must be so hard to re build that love when you've been so adoring of someone else?

Ok so if you have some hope howdi then that's worth a huge amount. There is some optimism for you and you know what you're aiming for so maybe just be kind to yourself and take it in baby steps.

Maybe you're not ready to really focus on your H but people have suggested counselling - what about that? For you alone or together? What about forcing your H to face this by now being honest about what's going on in your head and opening up all forms of communication for him to see. Tell him he can read your texts/ emails whenever he wants. You then really can't contact OM. That would sort of force you to stop. ?

I suppose that when I made my big confession to DH I thought there would be a reaction and naturally the whole thing would stop but it didn't happen. He just didn't seem to care but then he still tells me he loves me and wants to be close in bed - not just sexually but holding me. I don't know what to make of it all.

Maybe he does care but doesn't have the words to talk about it, so is trying to just hold you close and tell you he loves you. Like a rabbit caught in the headlights. Everyone copes differently I guess. When faced with danger some people fight , some people run, some people freeze. Maybe he's the latter.

bad luck on the memorising the number and email thing. You're just going to have to do this on will power alone! And you will! you WILL!

Howdiditcometothis...
I admire what you are doing hugely. That takes courage. I have an OM (emotional affair) and can't make the break from it. We have a deep friendship and a wish for sexual liaison which we both resist. On the whole, I find the OM a support to me.

Now surprisingly, during all this time, but with the support of OM, I have been working on my marriage which had reached a very low ebb. To my amazement, working at sharing things with my DH, spending more time with him, having more fun and starting up our sex life again, has made a huge improvement to the way things were with us, just a year ago.

I suspect you doubt whether anything will come of working on your marriage, and that you will have lost OM for good in the process. I would just like to say that in my case, working on the marriage - it may not be La Grande Passion - did pay off. There might be more hope for happiness than you think.

You are being amazing about handling those texts from your OM - what a temptation to throw yourself back at him all over again. I just want to wish you good luck with the path you choose, and to say that even the relationships that seem to offer so little, can be worked on and become happier. If you choose your DH, do give him a chance.

My advice is to break off all contact with OM. And completely give you and your husband time to focus and work on your marriage. You have to give it your best shot by being kind, compassionate and loyal to each other. If you work on your marriage at least if you do decide in the future to split up, you know that you have tried your best. And you won't look back with regret and longing for your old comfortable life.

Your husband probably feels very comfortable and familiar, and he is your best friend. This is because you two have a lot of history together, you have lived with each other for so long. You have washed his underpants and paired his socks etc.

The OM is more of a heady fantasy kind of relationship, which is a hell of a lot more exciting. The relationship is run on secrecy which only fuels intimacy and sexual chemistry which in turn heightens that feeling of a special connection and desire. Its all a fallacy. If you did leave your H, and set up home with the OM, he too would eventually become your best friend and life would be humdrum, and you may again seek to escape and recreate that exciting feeling with someone new.

And lets face it, your relationship is based on lies, deceit and betrayal of trust. He may not always be able to trust you, nor you him.

Search in your heart. When you first became attracted to the OM, you must have suppressed your feelings for your H, in order to focus and concentrate on the OM? And then did you begin to concentrate on negative feelings about your H in order to justify your affair with OM? As you distanced yourself from your H, as you became further embroiled in the affair?

You can reverse this, by building walls between you and OM (stop seeing him and stop interacting with him). And re focussing all your energy and time on your H. By being kind, compassionate and loyal. By spending time together alone and with your dcs. By appreciating that he is your best friend and working on recreating more intimate and intense feelings for him again. That you have repressed up to now.

If you do break your marriage up, you will cause untold pain and confusion. Its not worth it.

Your children and marriage should come first. Think of them and the fact that you can work on your marriage and improve things.

If you are kind and compassionate to your H, he will reflect this to you!!

Good luck. I hope you think long and hard about your future. And don't start a new relationship based on the shaky ground of lies and deceit.

A starting point for improving your marriage CAN JUST BE wanting to to the right thing for your children. You can fall back in love with your husband.

It will be hard to break contact with OM because he has adored and flattered you for so long, in secret and its been so exciting. You probably feel you have a special connection with him, like no other. But it is only like this because the relationship is based in secrecy and deceit.

Also, what you feel are societal pressures are important as well.

If you are nervous of breaking your marriage up, because you want to do the best for the kids and you want to keep your marriage in tact for societal reasons, you've got 2 great reasons from the beginning. And also that your H is your best friend anyway.

My daughter is the biggest reason and I don't want to hurt DH. Our marriage hasn't been what I'd hoped - and before I get completely flamed, I didn't have unrealistic expectations BUT I did expect to have a partner and feel part of a team. I have found him unwilling to step up time and time again. I thought we would grow together but we have really grown apart. I am continually frustrated that I feel like his mother and if I do not initiate everything domestic, financial etc it doesn't happen. On top I earn 65% of our income and pay for our holidays, cars etc on top of the mortgage. I had no choice but to return to work FT as I couldn't trust him to hold a job down.

But, I do love him and don't want to hurt him. We do have history and have built our lives together. I just don't know if I can look into the future and see us together if he doesn't change.

BUT that is blaming DH and actually this situation is entirely of my making and my fault and that stuff isn't relevant.

OM just sent me the link to this Elbow song with no message, just the link and lyrics:

How dare the Premier ignore my invitations?
He'll have to go
So, too, the bunch he luncheons with
It's second on my list of things to do

At the top is stopping by
Your place of work and acting like
I haven't dreamed of you and I
And marriage in an orange grove
You are the only thing in any room you're ever in
I'm stubborn, selfish and too old

I sat you down and told you how
the truest love that's ever found
Is for oneself
You pulled apart my theory
With a weary and disinterested sigh

So yes I guess I'm asking you
To back a horse that's good for glue
And nothing else
But find a man that's truer than,
Find a man that needs you more than I

Sit with me a while
And let me listen to you talk about
your dreams and your obsessions
I'll be quiet and confessional
The violets explode inside me
when I meet your eyes
Then I'm spinning and I'm diving
Like a cloud of starlings

Darling is this love?

How are you going to move on from this when he is still able to get in touch with you and send you things like that ? It seems it would be a good idea for you both to get new numbers for your phones.All the texting is only lessening the chance that your marriage can be saved.It has to stop if you want to stay with your dh.If you decide its not what you want then go about things the right way , dont carry on decieving your dh.

I know. You're right. I've had his number blocked from my personal number. Still don't know what I can do about my work mobile other than ask him to leave me be to get my head together.

The thing is that I'm not responding and that in itself is a breakthrough for me. I know it seems stupid and weird but putting it here means I don't just sit alone and pore over it and analyse every word he sends.

I think that is for the best at the moment ,you need time to think about everything.You will have to try and get through one day at a time without being in touch with him.Im sure it isnt going to be easy because you care so much for him.I am a great believer in what is meant to be will be.Try and arrange something good for you and dh to do together ,weekend away or something if at all possible.spend time together and see if you can rediscover what you both had together when you first fell for each other.