Middle - I think deep down that you must be right because it is a bit of a fixation. And when I think of previous times a while ago when I said enough, it has to end. He confessed to just feeling very low and adrift and scared of losing me on top of everything else. I suppose if I'm around, he can rationalise the end of the marriage to himself a bit more and if not, well he's in an ok rented property in a nice area (but not the lovely home he had) on his own half of the time and when he's with the kids the rest of the time, it's great but they are going through the mill and trying to setlle in a strange new environment so it's not easy. And he has nobody to share those issues with.
He did apologie profusely though for being needy within a day or so of begging me not to end it. And he always says that he is strong and will be fine and I should never feel pressured into sticking around on those grounds.
The marriage (from what I've been TOLD) was broken well before this happened. They had not slept in the same room for 2 years, didn't socialise together, leading separate lives except in relation to parenting. He is sad though that it ended like he did. I know he is very hurt that his ex won't have a cup of tea when she's dropping the children off or chat to him. I suppose that's the outcome when it ends like it did. He regrets more than anything that he didn't have the balls to end it sooner. She was the one to end it but obviously after months, years of him being disengaged and not dealing with stuff. And then after the event of ending it, the relationship which he had with me came to light (which t that time was pretty new). And of course his ex was outraged and hurt. I hope that in time things will get better for them both. The sad thing is that I exchanged some messages with her and she was so dignified that I felt all the more ashamed of allowing this thing to develop. I am sure that in other circumstances, we would get along well. She even emailed me at the end of the exchange to say that I shoudln't feel as though I'd split up a family as there were many many problems with the marriage. I remain gobsmacked by that - I think it was an incredibly selfless thing to do.
Anyway I digress. Sorry - it's become a cathartic thing to do to write this stuff down and I know it's very very boring. Selfishly it has become my outlet for some of this hurt.
Middle - I symapthise with you so much. I have often felt unhinged during this crazy time in my life. That feeling of being out of control is sickening. Don't beat yourself up too much about giving into temptation on the physical side. I can see how it would happen. there is a part of me that thinks the emotional attchment is almost a bigger betrayal. And although I haven't slept with OM, the fact that I love him is the biggest betrayal to my marriage I think. Which is why I continue to try and wean myself off contact and concentrate at home.
This is made harder by the cold war at home. I am worn down and drained. Broken crockery, doors slamming, verbal attacks, being shoved out of the way. I'm very worried about my DH - this isn't really like him and I know it is my fault but it is pushing me away. And of course, who is there to comfort me?