DH missed 12wk scan due to being passed out drunk and in a strip club til 3am

[JintyMcGinty]

The title says it all really

How could he do that?!? After a miscarriage and an ectopic and three failed rounds of IVF, I am finally overjoyed to be 12 weeks pregnant. D(!)H and I have been so together, so rock solid throughout all the ups and downs of TTC and he seemed utterly thrilled about the baby...or so I thought. I?d really appreciate your advice on how to deal with this because I feel completely frozen hearted towards him ? like I am beyond caring and never want to see him again. He knew how worried and nervous I was about the scan and getting the results of the nuchal fold scan and blood tests! Am I over reacting for wanting to tell him to get lost?

We were supposed to be going out last night with close friends to watch a comedy gig, but DH dropped out at 5pm saying that he had a client dinner to attend that he had forgotten about. This is not unusual in his line of work and, while I was irritated that he had double booked us, I went to the gig anyway and told DH I would see him later at home.

We had a lovely night at the gig and when I got home about 11pm, I was surprised to find that there was no sign of DH. I went to bed a slept right away. He woke me up, by staggering around the bedroom like a human pin-ball, at about 3.30am, but I was so exhausted I fell deep asleep again.

The scan appointment was at 8.30am and we had to get across London at rush hour, so the alarm went off at 6.30am. I got up, but I couldn?t wake DH at all ? he was absolutely out cold, pissed as a newt, reeking of booze. I tried everything to wake him - I shouted in his ear, shook him, pulled the covers off, lifted up his eyelids, hauled him upright into the sitting position. Nothing apart from some semi-conscious muttering and snoring. I went downstairs and made a cup of tea and tried again to wake him. Nothing. I tried yet again after showering ad he was still out cold, nothing. I was so angry and upset by this stage. In the end, I had to go and so I left a note saying that he was a sh*t to be so pissed and to leave me to go to the scan alone and that he had missed seeing the first pictures of his baby and I was ashamed of him.

Then, when I was just heading out of the front door, I glanced over and there was a receipt on the hall table, timed at 2.50am today from Secrets Nightclub (i.e. titty bar, strip club, whatever) for £1700! I am horrified. So I burst into tears and left. I cried all the way through the scan (the doctor thought I was just emotional) and I was so upset that when I filled in the forms that I told them I was a single parent, because that?s how I felt.

On top of everything else, we completed on our house purchase this morning ? our ?forever house? - so it was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives.

Oh, and he eventually called me at 11.15am saying that he had just woken up and was sorry(!) (I ignored the call - too angry to speak)

JMc

p.s. scan results were fine

What....a.....cunt.

Glad your scan went well but what.....a.....cunt.

Glad the scan went well!

You need to make your husbands life hell for at least a month IMO.

£1700 though

Great new about scan results!!!

The rest - not so good!

I have to ask - £1700 - whaaaaaaaat? Could he have been paying for lots of work people and be claiming it back on expenses?

Is it your 1st child and could he be having some form of 'oh my god I'm not 23 and fancy free any more' crisis?

Doesn't excuse letting you down so very much though. The fact it was a strip club is a whole other issue.

When you've calmed down enough (hopefully before the baby's born!) I guess you need a good talk with him.

Wait to see how much he grovels and apologises before you do or say anything else.

He must be claiming for it on expenses - wonder if his boss was there too?

I am furious on your behalf....

If the same happened to me I'd be absolutely gutted and don't honestly know what I'd do - sorry not much use to you.

Congrats on the good scan by the way x

Nice to see where his priorities lie then!

If it was one of those really seedy joints in Soho, they charge £500 for a bottle of champagne so £1700 would be quite an easy figure to reach.

Dame Gladys - £1700 was on his personal credit card, not the work one (used for claiming expenses). We don't have £1700 to spend on anything nevermind f*cking lap dancing.

It is a first baby for both of us and he could be having a crisis, but he is 38!

Squeaver - he is the boss, so he would have led/sanctioned this little outing (if anyone else was there - I'd really like the think he couldn't spend £1700 going solo on strippers)

Fucking Hell..........I would kill him...
There is so many things that are wrong with what he did, cancelling on your arrangements, getting himself into such a state, missing the scan because he was so drunk, going to a strip club, the money spent (persumably this is refundable on expenses?).
If he is even a half way decent human being he is going to feel awful about this...and so he should. In no way should you let him off the hook though.
If this is a regular thing/ or indicitive of other problems (like problem drinking or general horrible, selfish behaviour)then you need to take this opportunity to sort it out and lay down the law now/ decide what you are prepared to live with.
If it is a one off and he is genuninely devestated which he absoloutly should be you should make it clear how unhappy you are and how unacceptable this was.

Squeaver - it was on Grays Inn Road, so Kings Cross direction, according to the receipt.

God, I am soooo boiling mad at him . I'd love the doctor to take my blood pressure again this afternoon!

I don't know what I'd do tbh, I'd be bloody seething. Can't you go away for a few days to think things through.

Let's hope he just used the wrong card by mistake but still claims it back.

Not sure what it says about me that the money would upset me most of all!

I'd be tempted to stay at a friend's or my parents' tonight. He'll be hung over anyway, then when you don't come home he'll shit himself.

Assuming you're probably not going to split up over this, he needs to see that the consequences of something like this are so unpleasant and long-lasting that it's really not something he should consider for the future!

Does he often go to clubs like this by the way?

Oh dear. I suspect you're going to get a lot of "leave him" calls on here but you do need to think about:

• Is this a one-off? Has he ever done anything like this before?

• What explanation he gives you for what happened/who he was with/ how the night unfolded etc? (e.g. I know I've spent long drunken evenings with clients I didn't like because it was what they wanted to do)

• How much he grovels and makes up for it.

Keep calm. It will scare him far more than you shouting and screaming (however much you want to). Sit him down and say "explain".

Then, plan your next move.

x posts about the personal credit card. jesus this is even worse spending your money in that sort of place.......does this sort of thing happen a lot? I would be hopping about all of this........

Congrats on the scan results by the way.

Try and keep as calm as you can for the baby's sake.

It is not regular behaviour for him to do this (we've been together 8+ years), but he has let me down badly in the past with heavy drinking. He cut down about 4 years ago and he faithfully promised he would never get that way again. He stuck to that as far as I know, but recently it's been creeping back slightly, and now this.

Ok, the drinking. Ultimatum time - you've got a baby coming, he needs to get help NOW>

OK, this is very shit behaviour. However, if he is usually otherwise lovely and supportive and has been through the mill with you over ttc, is it possible that he's just flipped a bit, as Dame Gladys says? Also, could it be that he has put the bill on his personal card but collected cash from the others to cover it?

Not trying to excuse crappy behaviour, just that it sounds as though this isn't typical for your DH and I'm trying to imagine what I'd be thinking if my DH did something so out of character.

So sorry that you didn't get to share such a special event with your DH, but it's quite possible he's utterly mortified. May be best to try (if you can) to give him a chance to say how sorry he is... And then let him know that this is the last time he gets to go so unbelievably off-piste (no pun intended)! Obviously the significance of his bad behaviour needs to be made totally clear...

about the scan results, though.

Actually, on reflection, I don't know if this is regular behaviour. I have never suspected he used strip clubs before (the odd stag night in the past excepted), but he works away/abroad a lot and now my mind is racing. The address of the club is a 10 min walk from his workplace (handy) and he does work late. He told me a story recently about a group of lads at work that went to a strip club/seedy pub in their lunch hour and I was really shocked and he just laughed.

Oh, x-posted with you. Bad about the heavy drinking. If he thinks he's under pressure now, it's only going to get worse when there's a baby to look after. What squeaver said.

I think he may learn some big lessons from this drinking episode. Hammer it home into him.

If it's a blip then treat it as a blip - though he needs to apologised big time and give you time to calm down over this fuck up. But don't let it ruin your future if he is a decent guy whom you love to pieces.

daisy - thank you. That's really sensible advice. I haven't spoken to him yet (I'm at work and didn't want to lose my rag in the office)

if his drinking is impacting his personal life in this way then it is a problem.
He wanted to drink more than he wanted to ensure he didn't miss the scan. His drinking meant he spent a huge amount of money you can't afford. He drank so much he couldn't be woken up......effectively he was passed out for over 3 hours when you tried to wake him and you couldn't rouse him.
I am sorry for you but this is a problem that needs to be confronted now before the baby comes. He will be very remorseful......alcholics always are, they know the right things to say.
I know from bitter experience things only get worse unless they give up drink altogether.

It's something I could never, ever forgive.

He missed something so special, so precious to both of you, is that the life you want to look forward to, being badly let down by him when you need him the most?
If he has a drinking problem he needs help, if he won't / can't stop drinking then he will never be the kind of man you need to be a decent husband and father - I'm so, so, sorry he's done this to you.

Forgot to say my OH went out unexpectedly from work one night and drank so much I was unable to wake him the next morning to come with me for an important initial appointment with a consultant at the hospital for our YS.

I was livid.

He rarely drinks like he used to now. The odd blip happens but it is rare. He gets a huge bollocking when it happens.