DH missed 12wk scan due to being passed out drunk and in a strip club til 3am

[JintyMcGinty]

The title says it all really

How could he do that?!? After a miscarriage and an ectopic and three failed rounds of IVF, I am finally overjoyed to be 12 weeks pregnant. D(!)H and I have been so together, so rock solid throughout all the ups and downs of TTC and he seemed utterly thrilled about the baby...or so I thought. I?d really appreciate your advice on how to deal with this because I feel completely frozen hearted towards him ? like I am beyond caring and never want to see him again. He knew how worried and nervous I was about the scan and getting the results of the nuchal fold scan and blood tests! Am I over reacting for wanting to tell him to get lost?

We were supposed to be going out last night with close friends to watch a comedy gig, but DH dropped out at 5pm saying that he had a client dinner to attend that he had forgotten about. This is not unusual in his line of work and, while I was irritated that he had double booked us, I went to the gig anyway and told DH I would see him later at home.

We had a lovely night at the gig and when I got home about 11pm, I was surprised to find that there was no sign of DH. I went to bed a slept right away. He woke me up, by staggering around the bedroom like a human pin-ball, at about 3.30am, but I was so exhausted I fell deep asleep again.

The scan appointment was at 8.30am and we had to get across London at rush hour, so the alarm went off at 6.30am. I got up, but I couldn?t wake DH at all ? he was absolutely out cold, pissed as a newt, reeking of booze. I tried everything to wake him - I shouted in his ear, shook him, pulled the covers off, lifted up his eyelids, hauled him upright into the sitting position. Nothing apart from some semi-conscious muttering and snoring. I went downstairs and made a cup of tea and tried again to wake him. Nothing. I tried yet again after showering ad he was still out cold, nothing. I was so angry and upset by this stage. In the end, I had to go and so I left a note saying that he was a sh*t to be so pissed and to leave me to go to the scan alone and that he had missed seeing the first pictures of his baby and I was ashamed of him.

Then, when I was just heading out of the front door, I glanced over and there was a receipt on the hall table, timed at 2.50am today from Secrets Nightclub (i.e. titty bar, strip club, whatever) for £1700! I am horrified. So I burst into tears and left. I cried all the way through the scan (the doctor thought I was just emotional) and I was so upset that when I filled in the forms that I told them I was a single parent, because that?s how I felt.

On top of everything else, we completed on our house purchase this morning ? our ?forever house? - so it was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives.

Oh, and he eventually called me at 11.15am saying that he had just woken up and was sorry(!) (I ignored the call - too angry to speak)

JMc

p.s. scan results were fine

I don't think many of the posters on here see that going to a strip club is acceptable behaviour. I certainly don't and my ex knew that. Nor am I saying that it's a case of forgiving him after a couple of days of punishing silence. This couple have a lot to work through and a day or two for the OP is what she needs for herself to calm down and think things through. Hopefully it will give her husband time to think as well. If he hasn't learnt a lesson fr this then that will be a worry for the OP in the future but let's hope that he has.

I agree and I do think it is bad but I also think, having sort of been there myself, that it is also understandable too. Maybe he just could not face the thought of anything being wrong. Yes, he should have thought about his dw, but we all make mistakes.

If you look on the previous history, mc, ectopic, 3 failed ivf.......they are all bereavements, every single one of them. Who can say how they would react to 5 'bereavements' unless you have been there, as I have!

There again, maybe he is a complete arse, but only the op knows that.

Jinty, the one thing that struck me about your post was that your father is an alcoholic. We all have a tendancy to repeat patterns from our childhood, form relationships with people who mirror our parents sub-consciously, make excuses for their behaviours like our mothers did etc. Have you considered that you may be co-dependent ? I maybe be way of the mark here but maybe worth thinking about.

Good luck with the pregnancy

I do agree with you AF, I just think a bit of calm and control before speaking to him to hear exactly what he ahs to say is in order. THEN if/when ulitmatums are required you are in a much better position as he ahs had his chance. Runnign off and ignoring gives him the chance to play the victim and 'I was so worried' blah blah blah.
Hope you had a good night, or as good as could be expected Jinty, and sorry, I forgot to say congrats on the scan!

Sorry, I also meant to add that don't forget that as a couple they have already been through a huge amount together already and as an earlier poster said each loss is a breavement. More than enough to destroy a lot of relationships. Jinty's husband has shown that he can stand by her through thick and thin in the past so I don't think it's necessarily right to judge him on this one incident and decide the relationship is doomed. Yes, having a baby is one of the most profound life changing experiences you will ever have but this couple have already been through so much heartbreak and survived it that surely there is a lot of positive things in the relationship and it shouldn't be written off just like that?

I'm not saying that this excuses his behaviour in this instance just that this incident needs to be taken in the context of everything else that he has done for her and their relationship as a whole. Then they can decide what the real issues are that have come out of it and tackle them together before the baby arrives.

Jinty, I hope that you managed to have some time to yourself to relax and think and that everything works out for you over the weekend.

Countingto10 makes a crucially important point there, imo. I also think those who have replied along the lines of "bless him, he was probably nervous" are displaying co-dependent traits, too.

The point isn't "Why" he did it - he did it. Whatever his reasons, they amount to putting his own desires before his wife's needs. And that does bode poorly for a family future.

A partner who goes on a bender when they feel stressed is a partner who will drag you down. To accept his stress as any kind of excuse is co-dependent. It might be different in the ordinary run of things, we all need to let off steam - but this wasn't an ordinary day.

Luckily for OP, she doesn't sound like a pushover. I'm just hoping she really sees the full importance of his 'mistake' and bears Counting's observation in mind.

I shall be watching this thread with interest (in a "been there, t-shirt" etc, type way). I hope that the OP and her OH do get this sorted.

Just to state the obvious: Even if his entire career rested on going to a strip bar with whoever, it would have been acceptable to say "Got to leave at ten, I'm taking my wife to hospital in the morning." Even the most macho good-time boy would take that on the chin for once!

YY Grace-it´s possible to compromise, isn´t it.

I don't think it matters, in the end, why he did what he did; what matters is that he immediately sees the error of his ways and takes himself in hand and that the OP, for her part, makes it abundantly clear to him that it is not the type of behaviour that will ever be tolerated again, under any circumstances.

To my mind if any "blame" lies elsewhere it is the City culture of booze and lapdancers and all that awful tawdriness that goes on. But if he is any kind of man he will see that it is incompatible with marriage and fatherhood and be able extract himself from it.

I think the OP's husband does need to take the blame for what he has done and take responsibility. But then that has to lead to something constructive to ensure that this never happens again and their relationship is strong enough work together when the baby arrives and how the dynamics of their relationship will change even more.

The city culture is horrible and as Msboogie says, hopefully Jinty's husband has the strength of character to rise above it now. My exH sadly didn't and it cost him his marriage. It is only now that he realises how much he missed out in those first few months of DS's life when he was "fitting in" with the lads at work to show he was truly part of the "team". Yeah right, in that sort of culture, you're only part of the team so long as you're making them money. As I've said earlier in this thread, I was really happy to escape the city culture myself and I now work in an environment where there is a genuine respect for the family and a proper work/ life balance. We are even (gasp) able to talk freely about our families as if they mean something to us and I can't even imagine any of the men in my current firm talking about their wives/ partners in the way that I know my exH's colleagues did/ do as if they were just an encumbrance and something to be derided as the "little lady at home" etc etc.

Emza This happened to me too....

Oh poor you, Lemony - it sucks doesn't it? That's why I really hope that the OP can sort things out with her husband before it escalates into a situation where it really is irrecoverable.

Jinty, please do let us know how it goes.

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I agree with AnyFucker. This is your husbands STATEMENT to you regarding your pregnancy, baby, all of it.

I would not forgive about this either i don't think. If I did forgive I would be on tenterhooks ready for him to be an idiot on any other day, anotehr scan, day of birth, baby's first birthday, anything.

Funnily enough men aren't morons which are lef around by their dick. He made a conscious decision to do this. I would not be able to laugh it off as men being men.

My DP's friend has been trying for a baby for 2 years, his wife has just got pregnant. She was very early days pregnant (say 8 weeks) when it was DP's birthday. They all went out on the Staurady night, DP rolled in pissed at 6am. Fine. His mate stayed out until Monday morning, drinking.

His excuse was the 'shock' of the pregnancy. Well, I bet his wife was equally 'shocked' that her husband turned off his phone and went on a 48 hour drinking rampage. Prick.

Oh jinty v v happy scan went well hope the strip bar fee is chargeable through work expenses otherwise that's a biiiiig bill. It's no small consolation but my husband and I had a hugh fight at our first scan while waiting to be seen cos he was making moronic remarks about some of the other people in the waiting room. I told him to leave because I wanted it to be a happy joyous occasion and not one of sullen conversation. He didn't leave but even now it winds me up. Good luck

i think only you can decide if this is a 'deal breaker' for you or not.

however, i would say that, for me, a genuine one off would be forgiveable, BUT it must be a one off.

the main worry would be what his underlying thoughts are - if it's just some completely twatish reaction to realising that you're finally pregnant (and, actually, it's couples who've had the worst time getting pregnant who often find it the hardest to adapt) i would get over it.

if it turns out that he has been secretly hoping the ivf wouldn't work, he doesn't really want to be a dad, but was doing it to keep you happy etc, then you have more serious issues.

you need to have the same sort of discussion about the drinking and the strip joint. i have no idea what you say to someone whose job makes it necessary for them to entertain clients in this way - he SHOULD be able to refuse, but some people would lose business/promotions/their jobs if they didn't do this kind of thing.

alcohol can seriously change people's personality and make them lose all rational decision making abilities. as a couple, you need to decide how to agree - he obviously likes going out on an all night bender, and you don't - how are you going to 'manage' that.

nowadays, if dh is likely to go on that kind of event, i make sure that he stays with a friend/i am away etc. i just can't bear drunken men, so just don't want to know, but it isn't fair to completely restrict his nights out.

congrats on the scan though - go & have some baby time with a friend.

Jinty - you OK? Been following this since yesterday when I posted on p. 1. Hope you've managed to have (or at least arrange) talk with your DH, and that you'll be able to move forward to have a happy preganancy. Hope we'll hear from you. x

IGA - I assume I am the person who says 'bless the op's dh'. I don't at all actually. And I am and was not, co-dependent, I went through mine entirely alone as a widow. I still think the op's dh can be somewhat excused for what they have been through previously but i'm not saying it was a great thing he did either.

as I said in my earlier post, if this is the reason why he got drunk I mean. He may just be an arse!

JintyMcGinty so sorry to hear this, fecking idiot man, what the others said basically (well...some of the others)

• get away for a few days if you can
• he has to get help for the drinking
• £1700 in a lap dancing club? WTF? What would you like to spend £1700 on? Suggest you do that! I'd sod off on holiday without him, like you I get a bit frozen hearted if s'one has hurt me like that so he'd be bloody lucky if he ever saw me again!

If he does have a drink problem (and he's hardly alone in that so no judgement from me) then finally having a baby after so much upset may just be too much emotional load for him to deal with. Addicts use their substance of choice to hide from their emotions so in a way it's not a surprise he's done what he's done. Even so - what BlueFergie said back on p1, he will know what to say, and things won't get better on their own so it's ultimatum time.

My sister does a similar thing - whenever there is a big important family event she gets wankered the night before so she can't come or is so hungover she spends all day throwing up (Christmas is always fun) it's problem drinking, isn't it?

I don't think it needs to be a deal breaker either, but the man has to get some help.

I'm so so sorry for you but congrats on a good scan - yay! at last!

Also checking in to see how Jinty is.

I agree with Ezma. He's been a complete twat. Going somewhat against the grain though, and with certain conditions (ie that the alcohol is not an ongoing problem, that he doesn't DARE miss any future appointments, that he waits on you hand and foot for the forseeable future etc.),I think that 1st time fathers-to-be should be given a fairly long leash during the pg, on the understanding that it is one of those retractable leashes that is coming right back to heel once the baby is born. I think that what Thumbwitch says is good, and also that for most men, the whole baby thing is very much more abstract than it is for a pg woman - they just don't get it.