DH missed 12wk scan due to being passed out drunk and in a strip club til 3am

[JintyMcGinty]

The title says it all really

How could he do that?!? After a miscarriage and an ectopic and three failed rounds of IVF, I am finally overjoyed to be 12 weeks pregnant. D(!)H and I have been so together, so rock solid throughout all the ups and downs of TTC and he seemed utterly thrilled about the baby...or so I thought. I?d really appreciate your advice on how to deal with this because I feel completely frozen hearted towards him ? like I am beyond caring and never want to see him again. He knew how worried and nervous I was about the scan and getting the results of the nuchal fold scan and blood tests! Am I over reacting for wanting to tell him to get lost?

We were supposed to be going out last night with close friends to watch a comedy gig, but DH dropped out at 5pm saying that he had a client dinner to attend that he had forgotten about. This is not unusual in his line of work and, while I was irritated that he had double booked us, I went to the gig anyway and told DH I would see him later at home.

We had a lovely night at the gig and when I got home about 11pm, I was surprised to find that there was no sign of DH. I went to bed a slept right away. He woke me up, by staggering around the bedroom like a human pin-ball, at about 3.30am, but I was so exhausted I fell deep asleep again.

The scan appointment was at 8.30am and we had to get across London at rush hour, so the alarm went off at 6.30am. I got up, but I couldn?t wake DH at all ? he was absolutely out cold, pissed as a newt, reeking of booze. I tried everything to wake him - I shouted in his ear, shook him, pulled the covers off, lifted up his eyelids, hauled him upright into the sitting position. Nothing apart from some semi-conscious muttering and snoring. I went downstairs and made a cup of tea and tried again to wake him. Nothing. I tried yet again after showering ad he was still out cold, nothing. I was so angry and upset by this stage. In the end, I had to go and so I left a note saying that he was a sh*t to be so pissed and to leave me to go to the scan alone and that he had missed seeing the first pictures of his baby and I was ashamed of him.

Then, when I was just heading out of the front door, I glanced over and there was a receipt on the hall table, timed at 2.50am today from Secrets Nightclub (i.e. titty bar, strip club, whatever) for £1700! I am horrified. So I burst into tears and left. I cried all the way through the scan (the doctor thought I was just emotional) and I was so upset that when I filled in the forms that I told them I was a single parent, because that?s how I felt.

On top of everything else, we completed on our house purchase this morning ? our ?forever house? - so it was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives.

Oh, and he eventually called me at 11.15am saying that he had just woken up and was sorry(!) (I ignored the call - too angry to speak)

JMc

p.s. scan results were fine

I think this behaviour from him bodes very badly indeed about how he is going to "cope" with the stresses of impending fatherhood, the birth of your baby and those very difficult early years with a young baby that tends to sap even the strongest of grown men and women

OP, I congratulate you on the 12 week scan...it is a wonderful milestone and < hugs > (been there, done that)

Now I think you seriously need to think about whethr you are prepared to carry two children along the rest of your pregnancy/early motherhood and ....

nip this in the fucking bud, right now

my crystal ball predicts bad things, if you do not do that

completely agree with AF here. At 12 weeks PG, this may not feel like a dealbreaker, particularly if he is oh so contrite after the fact. But think you need to be very careful indeed to set down what you expect re:nights out/co-parenting.

Personally I feel missing the scan was shitty but forgiveable (unless of course the heavy drinking is habitual) but I would struggle with the blowing 1.7K on a strip club, I really would.....

none of it is forgiveable, tbh

you would forgive a teenager for such immature behaviour

not a grown man, who has supposedly been through this rollercoaster of fertility treatment

he knows what it means

he knows how fucked-up his behaviour is

excusing him now, on the grounds that he is "freaking out" is bollocks and will set you up for a lifetime of putting his fucking fragile ego first

fuck that

I don't want to take his side here but have you considered that his drink might have been spiked and that was why you couldn't wake him? It happens to men too you know. Especially leery city blokes. Unable to wake up, incoherent doesn't normally happen with drunkenness unless they have drunk so much they wet themselves.

He may well be flipping out about the realities of actually becoming a dad. If you've worked so hard to get pregnant perhaps he feels redundant now.

Again, not taking his side, he's been a stupid bugger and yes by all means give him hell, but keep in mind that you probably want to stay married to this man and raise this much wanted child with him so you probably have to listen to his side too.

If you don't set the ground rules of acceptable behaviour at the very beginning, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of being let down when it matters the most.

It's simply not true that everyone fucks up/ lets people down / behaves badly at some point, only utterly selfish people behave in such a manner, decent and loving people don't deliberately hurt the person they are meant to love the most- it wasn't a mistake, it was a choice he made.

He doesn't sound fit to be a father ( or even a decent partner tbh).

hear, hear mal

it isn't obligatory to fuck-up in such spectacular fashion

some posts on here are so fucking forgiving, it does my head in

would these blokes "forgive" such utterly unacceptable behaviour from their little wives ???

I think not

I don't think the OP is minded to be too forgiving at the moment.

as for his drink being spiked?

he was drinking form 5pm 'til 3am - I don't think he needed to have his drink spied to end up comatose 3 hours later - most people would be!!

The amount of women on her who forgive truly awful behaviour astounds me.

He knew the consequences of his behaviour, he didn't care about his wife and unborn child enough to not indulge himself - that makes him quite pathetic in my eyes.

Why would anyone want to be with someone who doesn't have their well-being at the very top of their priorities?

well, msb, I hope she isn't in the mind to be forgiving

I hope she is in ferocious mama-bear mode and kicks his arse for rocking their world

It sounds like the sort of thing my ex would have done oh sorry did do! Something similar though not nearly so bad, we went on a gorgeous family holiday, first with ds, it was lovely, so happy and fun. Came back, that night he went out to a "wedding reception", I didn't go as tired from travelling back from holiday and needing to get 1 year old ds back into a routine. He rolls in at 5 in the morning. Emptying his pockets the next day I find £200 in "Secrets" notes. Did you know that ladies? That you actually exchange your money for special currency to stuff in the dancers crotches at this particular venue.

Sadly it wasn't the first and only thing that he did and his behaviour was apparently all about him freaking out with the idea of impending fatherhood. No actually he was just a selfish prick and I suspect OP, that you have a lot of heartache ahead of you once this baby is born unless you come down hard and heavy on this.

i thinks ezma is giving the best advice on here. congrats on the pregnancy, jinty, and good luck straightening this out with dh, it sounds very hurtful, the whole thing.

I once knew a girl who spent her entire pregnancy keeping DH happy, while she plotted for her single future with new baby. At the time I thought she was very weird but, now I've read these threads, I see what she was doing and applaud her.

Just saying.

OK, I've watched this thread since this morning. Poor you OP.

Now, as much as I love AF and Mal (to the extent of once naming myself after Mal's infamous flannel) I have to say that I slightly disagree this time.

As I've read this thread, I have seen that most of the counsel has been measured towards kicking some serious arse, but tempering this with the realisation that men are also sometimes likely to "wobble" just as much as women. This couple have been through a terribly stressful time - I am not excusing his behaviour, but given that they has been "so rock solid" makes me believe that this maybe just a fear reaction/stupid fuck up. I've done fuck stupid stuff in my past, REALLY STUPID SHIT.

I feel that talking about this being unforgivable is actually not helpful. What he has done is awful, he needs to know absolutely that this behaviour is completely unacceptable (oh, and the money on a stripclub is just and this needs to be addressed in no uncertain terms as well) and that it will not be tolerated, but to infer that forgiveness and being able to move on (with the very clear knowledge for both that should such a situation EVER happen again that the consequences would be far-reaching) are "weak" in some way...I just don't believe that.

OP - I hope that this evening is a peaceful one for you, I hope that you are having a bloody good rant with your friend and eating shitloads of ice-cream and ignoring your H's calls (after telling him that you are not available to speak to him this evening YOU GIGANTIC ARSEHOLE kind of thing)

Jinty,

I would say to him that this is not the fatherly behaviour yor child deserves. If he doesn't break down with that comment then you and your child deserve better.

I am still surprised that so many woman think it's ok for their OH to go to strip clubs!

come on, SK, you can't slightly disagree

you have to agree or not

oh yes, some serious arse needs kicking

but game-playing I would not do

I wouldn't let him sweat for 24 hours, while I ate ice-cream with my mates

then forgive him next day, all is roses

I would leave and not come back until proper assurances had been made that this fuckwittery was a thing of the past

no hollow apologies, while he sweats out the the hangover, just waiting for the next time

Op, you haveto mean business, or you mean nothing at all

Right.

Either... he accepts his behaviour is wrong and he agrees not to do it again. Or

If he doesn't accept he is wrong or he does it again, then you need to move straight on and accept you will be going through the pregnancy and parenting alone.

oh... with a little bit (possibly) of help from him, at some random stage in the future.

What is important now? Ask yourself that.

Im pretty sure you will put yourself and your child as more important than his selfish/irresponsible behaviour.

oooh AF!

I absolutely agree that game playing is a no-no, and in no way advocate that at all. The ice cream and blurting is a way for the OP to get some distance FOR HERSELF, not for him to be whispering re-assurances and smoothing things over. DYKWIM?

And NO to the forgiveness being in one day. As I said there needs to be a serious understanding reached, one which ensures that the Husband knows that should anything like this happen ever again that this would have very serious implications.

I read up-thread that some posters were advocating an approach which meant that the OP would use this forever more, in every argument as a weapon with which to beat him. Relationships cannot work this way...I guess what I was trying to say is that the OP needs to determine if he is truly repentant - if so, then to "Forgive" this incident is not a weakness. Obviously with the caveats which I have already gone over. (like the boring fart I am)

Meh, I'm rubbish at relationship stuff, this is why I've been on exile from this board lately.

< gathers SK back into fold >

don't mean to be combatant, I love your posts

I was reacting to the "hold this against him forever" and "this puts serious currency in the forgiveness bank" too

forgiveness isn't weak, but giving him the cold shoulder for a day or two then carrying on as normal won't help either

passive-aggressiveness is shit

have the courage of your convictions

I fully do not expect OP to follow my hard line (I never do when giving my advice), but i hope it makes her think, just a little bit

DH and I spent a few years on the infertility merry-go-round, and although I generally don't like the "my wonderful DH would never do that..." brigade, this twat's behaviour is very shocking in the circumstances and cannot be excused, IMO

I meant combative

forgive me, pedants

IMO it is forgiveable so long as it never happens again. To make sure he knows it must never happens again the OP must make it 100% clear to him how big a deal this is (granted, she shouldn't have to).

This man is going to have to make some pretty serious adjustments to his lifestyle or suffer the consequences. I get the impression that the OP is no fool.

And I was one of those who made a remark about her future spending habits and the £1700 but that was partly in jest - she'd have to let that one go after..say 5 years' worth of expensive handbags...

< thinks >

hand-to-hand...

< thinks again >

puts wine glass down

< gives up >

do you do karate or summat, SK, 'cos I'm kinda scared now

regarding, this doesn't have to signal the gradual erosion of their relationship...of course not

but once a ikkle baby enters the equation, you can no longer carry a fuckwit, and should not even try

so fuckwit shapes up...or fucks off

I think that's an appalling thing to do. You need to confront him, and get him to accept that his behaviour (drinking) is adversely affecting you - and that's one marker for alcoholism - doing things that cause damage to others.

The strip club thing,eek, I don't know. I hate them (I'm a man) and what they stand for, and I just don't see what he's doing in there instead of being with you at such a symbolically important time.

He really does need to accept that he's hurt you and make reparations. And he needs not to be behaving like a 20-something single guy, ffs. Don't let him ever repeat that behaviour and get away with it.

Apologies for not having read whole thread (I know, I know) and playing devils advocate but is there any chance he was so worried about the scan, all being well and as it should be, that he got drunk so didn't have to face it perhaps?? Just a thought. very pleased scan is ok and hope he makes it up to you.

Well but that's even worse, frankly. If he was worried about bad news, it was even more important that he was there with his wife instead of allowing her to face it alone.