DH missed 12wk scan due to being passed out drunk and in a strip club til 3am

[JintyMcGinty]

The title says it all really

How could he do that?!? After a miscarriage and an ectopic and three failed rounds of IVF, I am finally overjoyed to be 12 weeks pregnant. D(!)H and I have been so together, so rock solid throughout all the ups and downs of TTC and he seemed utterly thrilled about the baby...or so I thought. I?d really appreciate your advice on how to deal with this because I feel completely frozen hearted towards him ? like I am beyond caring and never want to see him again. He knew how worried and nervous I was about the scan and getting the results of the nuchal fold scan and blood tests! Am I over reacting for wanting to tell him to get lost?

We were supposed to be going out last night with close friends to watch a comedy gig, but DH dropped out at 5pm saying that he had a client dinner to attend that he had forgotten about. This is not unusual in his line of work and, while I was irritated that he had double booked us, I went to the gig anyway and told DH I would see him later at home.

We had a lovely night at the gig and when I got home about 11pm, I was surprised to find that there was no sign of DH. I went to bed a slept right away. He woke me up, by staggering around the bedroom like a human pin-ball, at about 3.30am, but I was so exhausted I fell deep asleep again.

The scan appointment was at 8.30am and we had to get across London at rush hour, so the alarm went off at 6.30am. I got up, but I couldn?t wake DH at all ? he was absolutely out cold, pissed as a newt, reeking of booze. I tried everything to wake him - I shouted in his ear, shook him, pulled the covers off, lifted up his eyelids, hauled him upright into the sitting position. Nothing apart from some semi-conscious muttering and snoring. I went downstairs and made a cup of tea and tried again to wake him. Nothing. I tried yet again after showering ad he was still out cold, nothing. I was so angry and upset by this stage. In the end, I had to go and so I left a note saying that he was a sh*t to be so pissed and to leave me to go to the scan alone and that he had missed seeing the first pictures of his baby and I was ashamed of him.

Then, when I was just heading out of the front door, I glanced over and there was a receipt on the hall table, timed at 2.50am today from Secrets Nightclub (i.e. titty bar, strip club, whatever) for £1700! I am horrified. So I burst into tears and left. I cried all the way through the scan (the doctor thought I was just emotional) and I was so upset that when I filled in the forms that I told them I was a single parent, because that?s how I felt.

On top of everything else, we completed on our house purchase this morning ? our ?forever house? - so it was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives.

Oh, and he eventually called me at 11.15am saying that he had just woken up and was sorry(!) (I ignored the call - too angry to speak)

JMc

p.s. scan results were fine

Oh dear. The drinking thing does need a bit of talking about as others have said.

It's worth having a chat about his attitude to lap dancing clubs etc.

Some work cultures are still shockingly laddish and I've known and worked with blokes who think it's the norm to go to strip clubs and even shag other women whenever they get the chance. None of it counts to them as long as their partners know nothing about it. They think it's funny.

Now, I'm not intentionally trying to worry you but the strip club thing set alarm bells ringing for me, especially if he's London based. Does he work in the city?

Congratulations on your baby! It's great that the scan went well.

Your DH's behaviour on the other hand is appalling and I would be Seething.

I'm not trying to excuse it as I think it is inexcusable - but apparently people do attend clubs like this with their clients, and if this is what it took to get said clients onside, perhaps he had to go? ( I walk past that specific club sometimes BTW and it's not seedy as such, it's fairly respectable as these things go, FWIW)

However, I do think even if he had to go for work he should have made absolutely sure he was capable of attending the scan. I hope you can make him realise what a dick he's been.

First of all Jinty, it is really easy to jump to all sorts of conclusions. Work dos for men can be really drunken/ stupid/ tacky/ seedy affairs and I know how pissed off you must feel right now. Men, especially when pissed, can do the most immature, stupid things and even as grown men seem to be really vulnerable to peer pressure and keeping in with the lads. My exH did pretty much the same thing the night before my 12 week scan (and whilst I'd had a bit of a traumatic pg it was nothing compared to yours). He managed to turn up to the scan with me but then rushed straight into the toilet afterwards to throw up and proceeded to do the same throughout the day. Hardly the way I wanted to celebrate getting through the 12 week scan..... Yes, I was incredibly pissed off with him but he did apologise and I know that he was extremely remorseful.

I wouldn't necessarily read anything into it. It's probably a good idea to let yourself calm down (for yours and the baby's sake) and let him sober up and get over his hangover before you tackle this. As other posters have said, is there a friend you can go over to this evening, not necessarily for the night but where you can at least have a girly chat with a takeaway, DVD and big tub of ice cream? Then either tomorrow or at the weekend you can have a good chat with hubby to see what prompted his behaviour (and yes it is appalling) to see if there is anything that you should really be concerned about or if he's worried about something, midlife crisis etc etc.

Really pleased for you that the scan went well!

I would go absolutely apes**t if my DH did that and he would be spending a good few nights in the spare room/on the couch until he had grovelled enough to placate me! Assuming that he will claim the money back, it's more the fact that he missed an important milestone in the baby's little life thus far and he needs to understand that he crossed a HUGE line there...

Agree with what previous posters have said - it's not necessarily a hanging offence if he's otherwise ok but it does sound like the drinking needs to addressed because you can't be having that around a baby.

The whole strip club thing is a bit seedy, isn't it? I'm not against strip clubs at all but at lunchtime...?!

Yup, he works in the City . I used to work there too, so have an idea about the lad mag culture and don't like it.

I feel like could almost (almost!) forgive the strip club, but it's the getting so drunk when he promised me that he would never get in that state again that I can't forgive. My father is an alcoholic, so he knows how I feel about problem drinking .

HE KNEW what was happening today and how so very, very important it was. Tosser

Don't think there would be any harm in taking yourself on a long weekend break...starting now.

I feel, based on experience, that a very clear message of zero tolerance is the only thing that works. When someone has a problem like drinking or unreliability it is hard for them to change. If there is any indication from you that you will excuse it on any level then that gives them hope that they can keep on with the behaviour so long as apologetic/secretive enough.

They need to see NOW that you will leave if things don't change. It is little good getting to let down number 365 and then walking out 'until things change'.

Close communication with him and go and be alone for long enough for him to really think about what he has to lose...let him feel what that greener grass feels like so that he realises it isn't so green afterall and isn't a place he wants to re-visit.

Imo you have to.

Just leave a note with a clear and concise message about how hurt and disrespected you feel and go. Let him poo his pants.

Jinty, I would find this utterly UNFORGIVEABLE and (bad wife that I am) I'm afraid that 'being too drunk to attend the 12 week scan' would be the trump card used by me to win all subsequent arguments. IF I ever managed to speak to him again of course.

I second the advice to go somewhere else this evening and try to have a nice night with a good friend. Even if you can't find anyone to hang out with, a solo trip to the cinema with lots of sweeties might be a good idea and means you'll have your phone off as well.

I hope you can try to be calm when you deal with him later on but I don't know how your hormones are acting at the moment... I expect / hope he will be utterly mortified and grovelling but he has to know how completely unacceptable his behaviour is. Strip clubs make me in the best of circumstances but the timing is just stoopid. Grown ups don't get too paralytic to move when they have an important appointment in the morning and that includes job interviews, big meetings and SCANS.

If it's any consolation, it's not unknown for lovely men to go a bit bonkers at the prospect of fatherhood - they can see their freedom slipping away and they like to have a last hurrah, even if it is wildly inappropriate and hurtful. I was posting on here earlier in the week about my idiot DH behaving like a twat in the face of my second pregnancy so you're not alone.

Good luck with talking to him. And keep looking at those gorgeous scan pics of your amazing baby! Congratulations!

I've called a close friend and I am going round to her house after work for some breathing space and I might stay the night, until I can assess how low DH is prepared to go on the grovel-ometer to apologise and make this up to me. She has a new baby and I am dying to meet him

Novicemama - . I think "too drunk to attend the 12 week scan" would clinch every future argument with a DH. Sorry you are having a torrid time with your DH. Thank god for mumsnet.

I absolutely agree with hobbgoblin about the zero tolerance. You need to show him how hurt you are and how ashamed you are of him and the only good way to do that is to just remove yourself from him.

Go and stay with your friend tonight, but don't tell him where you're going and when you'll be back. Just a text saying his behaviour is unforgiveable and then turn your mobile off.

One thing about your OP that I didn't get - he only remembered a client dinner at 5pm. Does this seem likely to you? You say he owns his own business - could he really be so unprepared for a client dinner? I wonder whether some of the lads were making a night of it and he decided to join them?

Does he take his clients to strip bars? Does anyone? Am I just very naive!

Congratulations & I´m glad the scan went well.

Hope you sort things out.

If he were mine he´d be coming home to packed bags tbh.

I would punish him to hell and back and then punish him some more.

I would lead him to understand that I was seriously considering ending the marriage over it.

I would stay somewhere else and refuse to take his calls for a few days.

I would give him the fullest possible opportunity to see what he stood to lose and to make one final decision on whether he wants to be a middle aged city boy or a husband and father. His choice.

I would ask him what plans he had to address his problem with moderating his alcohol consumption.

I would allow him to "find" divorce papers in a drawer sometime...

I would FOREVER after answer any complaint about your spending money on anything with a raised ayebrow and the phrase "£1700 in a stripjoint"

Well, I agree that it wasn't a pre-planned client dinner. You'd be pushed to lose £1700 in a strip bar on your own, though (my ex-cunt 'only' managed £1,000 a time, with a dancer to himself all night) so I assume he was with friends and is claiming it back on expenses. Could have been a client in town, went for a quick meet-up, got carried away. May have been a bit flipped out by the whole baby/house thing (idiot).

If you clarify the money thing and he is VERY VERY repentant, I think you'll be okay. Of course you have to punish him massively! Long weekend away sounds like a good idea - when you get back, the house had better be sparkling & the fridge fully stocked

Congrats on a healthy scan and the house!

Fantastic post, MsBoogie!

Loved the bit about 'finding divorce papers' - wish I'd thought of that!

Hiya.

My OH goes to strip clubs on occasion with work, I feel really sorry for you finding the receipt and having to go to the scan on your own.

I think you should talk to him about this, I know you're really angry and hurt but the only way for him to realise how much of an idiot he's been is by you telling him face-to-face.

I am now 33 weeks and the client meals and strip club visits have greatly decreased, I think the OH has realised he needs to grow up a bit, which I'm sure will happen to you to.

I don't think necessarily there's anything wrong with strip clubs per say but on your credit card and such a high bill is not on. I don't agree with the "pack his bags" mentality of other people, but he's in the wrong and needs to know that.

Hope it goes ok x

Oh, that is so sad.

I feel terrible for you .

I would definitely take some time away from him - to get some head space and to send the strong message that his appalling behaviour has put your relationship in serious jeopardy.

This place? God, I couldn't forgive that. "Fully nude table dancing'.

Definitely stay somewhere else tonight. And tomorrow. And as long as it takes until he fucking grows up. Let him sweat, wondering whether he's thrown away his marriage for some skin-to-skin (Yeah, yeah, I know they 'don't touch' in private dances. Much. ) with a sexy woman. And think about whether you can tolerate this sort of behaviour in your life partner. Because, if he is forgiven now, he will, almost certainly, think it is ok to do it again.

In fact, does he know you know about the strippers club? Your op doesn't make that clear. If not, just laying into him for the drinking and his reasons for staying out so late might well give you a good insight into the kind of man he is. You say you've never known him to visit that sort of club before. Why not see if he admits to it now? The question, "So, why did you stay out so late? Good pub?" should be enough.

Oh god, and as for the spending money.

My dh works in the city too, but in IT support for trader types, most of whom he says are twats: arrogant dickheads who think the world owes them a living, and that women are entertainment. I hope your dh isn't being sucked into this type of lifestyle.

But, at least, congrats on a healthy scan result!

oh and two other things

1. congrats on the scan and all being well!

2. don't cry or shout when you talk to him - he'll expect that - and it gives the message that he has all the power to hurt you. Be Frozen Solid Ice Maiden - that'll put the wind up him good and proper

I have to disagree with atswim on not telling him where you are this evening and switching off your phone. If he is, on the whole, a decent chap then I don't think causing him untold worry about where you are etc. especially when you are pg is going to help the situation and is a bit childish. This is too serious a situation to play tit for tat and if you are going to deal with this constructively either today or over the weekend, there is no point in aggravating it by acting in a way that's going to wind him up. If you don't want to speak to him just tell him that you need some time to yourself to calm down and think about it all so would really prefer him not to contact you and you will contact him. If you don't want to speak to him and tell him that, email him instead.

The city culture absolutely stinks and unfortunately my ex fell for it hook line and sinker which played a large part in our split. There are often last minute dinners with clients to celebrate deals, schmooze etc. with no thought for their families. No wonder at least half the men my exh worked/ works with were either unmarried, divorced or made sure their families conveniently lived too far out to commute so the men were "forced" to stay in the city during the week. I'm so glad that I got out of working in the city last year, it really isn't that much fun at all.

Having said that though, Jinty, if you are able to have an honest and frank conversation about your husband's behaviour now, well in advance of the baby arriving, hopefully you will agree the boundaries for his drinking etc. My ex used to get paralytic too (and he knew I didn't like it either as my mum is an alcoholic) but I never really tackled it head on until it was too late by which point he didn't really care what I thought and I was ready to throw in the towel on our relationship .

It seems that there are several specific issues here:

1. His cancelling/ bailing out at the last minute
2. His drinking
3. visiting the strip club
4. spending a HUGE amount of money at said club
5. Failing to come with you to the scan

I think if you break it down like that in your conversation with him, you will be able to agree how you move forward together for the remainder of the pregnancy and once the baby is born. This can cover whether you both think he has an actual drinking problem or just an immature attitude to drinking, socialising once the baby is born (both for you and for him), why he went to the strip club, financial issues and his commitments to you and the baby for the remainder of the pregnancy and once the baby is born.

I'm sorry for this being so long but I really just wanted to give you some (hopefully) constructive advice as I've been in the same position as you and really wish I'd practiced what I preach.

shineon, I doubt it was about intent. I get the impression he wanted to be there at the scan but somewhere between a 'client dinner' and 2am at the strip club, this aim got forgotten. It's just stupid. If normal sensible adults have to get up in the morning for something important, they generally go home straight from work and get a nice early night.

This may be his first lesson of parenthood - you can't burn the candle at both ends and expect to get away with it like you did when you were 22.

I wouldn't get hung up on the intent issue too much, ok if he intended to do it, it would be even worse but even assuming he didn't he needs to get such a lesson from it that he never lets it happen again.

Emza, Mrs Boogie - thank you. You've managed to write down what I have been thinking, but so much more eloquently. I couldn't straighten it all out in my head what I am most angry about.

I will be the Ice Maiden when we speak, because that is how I feel towards him. Furious. When I am seriously angry, I don't shout.

I've had another voicemail form him, this time sounding terrible and begging forgiveness. I think the hangover must have set in (I really can't call back or talk here)

Yes, the hangover can make them sound very penitent and people fall for it without realising that, at that stage, they are just feeling sorry for themselves.

Time is an important thing here. When he realises after a few days that this thing hasn't just gone away or vanished or been brushed under the carpet by you, that's when he will give it the most serious thought.

I like Ezma's break down into 5 separate issues. Gives the whole thing clarity!

I'd also agree that the intent thing is a bit of a red herring. Nobody intends to get so twatted they can't be roused the next morning. Especially not problem drinkers. In his head at 3am he was probably having 'just' one more drink to celebrate how great the scan was going to be the next day.

My DH did a horrid thing when I was 35 weeks pg. Got drunk, had traffic accident lost his license for a year. I woke up at 4am to find him not at home, called him to find out he was in A&E. I was so fing livid I didn't visit him while he was in hospital. However on the whole DH is loving, a great dad and a responsible person. He fcked up big time, had too many beers got carried away did a really twatty thing. He knows this. Whilst I was quite happy to strangle him to death for a several weeks it wasn't the end of our marriage because it wasn't the norm. I'm sure in the future I will do a really twatty thing and he will want to kill me.
What you need to ask yourself is can you forgive him once the rage has subsided.