DH missed 12wk scan due to being passed out drunk and in a strip club til 3am

[JintyMcGinty]

The title says it all really

How could he do that?!? After a miscarriage and an ectopic and three failed rounds of IVF, I am finally overjoyed to be 12 weeks pregnant. D(!)H and I have been so together, so rock solid throughout all the ups and downs of TTC and he seemed utterly thrilled about the baby...or so I thought. I?d really appreciate your advice on how to deal with this because I feel completely frozen hearted towards him ? like I am beyond caring and never want to see him again. He knew how worried and nervous I was about the scan and getting the results of the nuchal fold scan and blood tests! Am I over reacting for wanting to tell him to get lost?

We were supposed to be going out last night with close friends to watch a comedy gig, but DH dropped out at 5pm saying that he had a client dinner to attend that he had forgotten about. This is not unusual in his line of work and, while I was irritated that he had double booked us, I went to the gig anyway and told DH I would see him later at home.

We had a lovely night at the gig and when I got home about 11pm, I was surprised to find that there was no sign of DH. I went to bed a slept right away. He woke me up, by staggering around the bedroom like a human pin-ball, at about 3.30am, but I was so exhausted I fell deep asleep again.

The scan appointment was at 8.30am and we had to get across London at rush hour, so the alarm went off at 6.30am. I got up, but I couldn?t wake DH at all ? he was absolutely out cold, pissed as a newt, reeking of booze. I tried everything to wake him - I shouted in his ear, shook him, pulled the covers off, lifted up his eyelids, hauled him upright into the sitting position. Nothing apart from some semi-conscious muttering and snoring. I went downstairs and made a cup of tea and tried again to wake him. Nothing. I tried yet again after showering ad he was still out cold, nothing. I was so angry and upset by this stage. In the end, I had to go and so I left a note saying that he was a sh*t to be so pissed and to leave me to go to the scan alone and that he had missed seeing the first pictures of his baby and I was ashamed of him.

Then, when I was just heading out of the front door, I glanced over and there was a receipt on the hall table, timed at 2.50am today from Secrets Nightclub (i.e. titty bar, strip club, whatever) for £1700! I am horrified. So I burst into tears and left. I cried all the way through the scan (the doctor thought I was just emotional) and I was so upset that when I filled in the forms that I told them I was a single parent, because that?s how I felt.

On top of everything else, we completed on our house purchase this morning ? our ?forever house? - so it was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives.

Oh, and he eventually called me at 11.15am saying that he had just woken up and was sorry(!) (I ignored the call - too angry to speak)

JMc

p.s. scan results were fine

But why should an adult male-who wants a baby-so not a complete surprise-feel it necessary to react in such a way at all.

It´s the women who carry & give birth-don´t see them going a bit mental, do you?

Poor OP must be feeling really upset and livid. I know I would be.

I would sack the knob-rot.

Quick update

I had a lovely evening at my friend?s house catching up and meeting her new DS. There is a patisserie at our station, so on the way home I bought the most expensive cakes I could find to spoil us. If he can spend £1700 in one evening on strippers and booze, then I can spend £20 on posh mini cakes .

I went home about 9pm because I knew DH was home and I felt ready to talk and ask all my questions. It was, as you?d expect, a long talk and DH was very ashamed and upset. I?ll say this for him, he is not, and never has been, a silver tongued smooth talker, so at least he didn?t try to butter me up or dismiss me being upset.

His explanation is this (I won?t offer any comment yet):

He didn?t want to go to the comedy night in the first place and so when this marketing event came up, he was happy to use it as an excuse to drop out. He had known about the marketing event for a while, but hadn?t mentioned it to me, thinking it was easier to drop out from our night out at the last minute. He knew the clients well and fancied going partying, because he ?had the day off the next day for the scan and to pick up the house keys, so I could go out and have fun without worrying?. It was a drinks party in a bar, together with a group of City lawyers and it was hosted by some bankers from a bank beginning with ?L?. It kicked off at 6pm, then they moved on to another bar and when they were chucked out of that bar at closing time, those still standing decided they were having far too much fun to go home, so they?d go to Secrets to keep partying. He ?didn?t even think about the scan. I hadn't forgotten it, but I didn't think about it? he "thinks he had only two dances? and ?doesn?t really enjoy that sort of place. They hassle you all the time until you pay for a dance so I had to? and ?£1700?!? I must have paid for everyone?s dances and drinks. I don?t remember?. He couldn?t remember leaving or getting home or what time he left the club or what he did in there or me trying to wake him in the morning. He is ?so sorry and embarrassed? ?can?t believe it? and wants to ?completely forget it?, adding ?please, please don?t tell anyone!!? (I didn?t mention that a few thousand fantastic Mumsnet-ers are fully aware of his stupid antics by reading this thread).

It will ?never never happen again? and "I love you so much". He told me that he was so excited about the baby and really, really wanted it ? it was not some panic about impending fatherhood. He had always wanted to be a father . He could never get that moment back again when he sees his baby for the first time on the screen and he suggested booking a private scan so that he could see try to recreate what he missed. He is scared that he remembers so little and worried he is developing a drink problem, so offered (unprompted) to go for help with drinking. Oh, and he can?t charge £1700 on expenses, so that comes out of his (our?) pocket.

I believe his remorse is genuine, and not only because he was caught or had to deal with my fury. He is truly gutted at missing the scan. I asked him to sleep in the spare room, which he did and we talked some more this morning. I have set some parameters on his behaviour and treating me with more respect by not behaving like a total tit and dealing with his drinking. He has three weeks, initially, to organise counselling and convince me that he is changing his behaviour and will stick to it. We?ll see how it goes from there, because I won?t tolerate being treated like a mug and being constantly let down like my mother was by my father.

The strip club does appear to be a one off, although I am still that my husband would pay for two, personal ?fully nude dances? in a basement strip club on a school night. I haven?t forgiven that yet. My main concern is hitting his drinking on the head and making sure that his total thoughtlessness is never, ever repeated.

Thank you all for your support, I am feeling a lot better today, but we'll see how we go from here. I think he was shocked at my icy cool, school mistress-y questioning and my resolve. He expected anger and upset, but not not that.

Exactly Diddl, why are so many women ready to excuse such abhorrent and immature behaviour in a man?

It all boils down to respect.

"first time fathers should be given a long leash"? The only kind of man who doesn't "get it" is an immature man-child with no thought to anyone but himself.

erm, that wasn't really a quick update

thanks for the update Jinty, you know where we are if you need more advice. Had to laugh at the part where your hubby asked you not to tell anyone !

jinty you sound like a wonderful level headed person.I hope the next three weeks are a turning point in the best possible way.

Ezma, you are the voice of reason on here.

That sounds promising. You sound great. You must stick to the rules though now.

Wouldn´t go anywhere near to appeasing me tbh.

It was obvious he must have known about the work thing for a while but didn´t tell you.

By dropping it on you at the last minute, there was nothing you could do.

And he still didn´t have to stay out until 3am & get shitfaced (IMO).

He needs to start taking some responsibility & facing up to people!

Thank you franklampoon . Just need to learn to apply reason to my own life now !

Quick enough Jinty

Just one thing - of course he wants to forget it, I know I would, but although it can be forgiven eventually - can it really be forgotten?! And should it be?

Yes, the thought of the 'fully nude dancers' turns my stomach over too...but maybe it's a bloke thing...?

How about getting him along to AA?

Well done you, Jinty.

Genuinely out of interest, diddl, what would appease you? Or would this be a deal-breaker on its own?

I'm not shit-stirring, honest, just interested in peoples' reactions.

Ezma and lemonylemony - I'm very sorry to hear about what you went through with your ex-Hs. The City boys drinking and lad mag culture has to be watched to be believed, and like you say, if those city boys are making the company money, they will forgive ANY behaviour. My DH works on the edge of that environment and I used to work in the City and I watched men ruin their relationships, livers and lives by joining in with the boys

Great news about the scan Jinty.

Your husband has behaved like a complete ah but it's not the seedy club that would concern me but the heavy drinking.

Babies put a massive strain on relationships (I work with families postnatally amongst others) and the shock is palpable. And that's when things have been fairly straightforward, got pregnant, no complications, regular birth.

We did rounds of fertility treatment and though I wouldn't change my kids I wish I could change their Dad. He is still an alcoholic - loves/needs the booze far more than us and eventually left. He was unfaithful and definitely used lap-dancers and probably prostitutes which turned my stomach but it was the drinking that decided it for me. It is lousy to grow up with an alcoholic parent. My Dad was also a heavy drinker and I think that's what drew me to my X. He wasted thousands on his "pursuits" (i.e. other women and booze) and our household income was below the national average - him FT me PT once the kids came along).

None of this means that your X can't sort himeself out and he has a golden opportunity while you are pregnant to do something about his drinking - if he wants to. Some people on here have recommended Al-Anon. I couldn't go for lack of babysitting but spoke to my GP and got some counselling through the surgery. It gave me enough strength to work out what I could and what I couldn't live with.

I am so sorry you are going through this and I really hope in this case, he can change his ways and tackle his addiction.

Good luck with the pregnancy.

I don´t know if it would be a deal breaker-but I would seriously consider it being tbh.

I just don´t get why he couldn´t/didn´t tell OP he didn´t want to go to the comedy club, why he had to drink to such an excess & stay out until the early hours.

Why the all or nothing?

I´d want him to lay of the booze completely for an agreed length of time & perhaps consider a different job.

off

diddl - I am not fully appeased, but it's a start. I agree with you that he didn't have to behave that way or do what he did, but sadly he didn't put the brakes on - he did it.

We are where we are. DH and I have to deal with it somehow. Breaking up over this feels too hasty and extreme for me at this stage (everyone's different), but I won't be a doormat.

DillyDora - there is a counselling service in the City I have found on the electric interweb. It's one to one and specifically addresses peer pressure and after work drinking. That's where I'd like him to start and I'll forward him the link. DH has to take the initiative, as he promised, and book it himself. If I book it, he won't be doing it himself IYKWIM

diddl of course it would be best if he laid off the booze, that's what the AA suggestion is about. Anyway Jinty he can sober up in sympathy with you if you're going to be abstinent during the pregnancy - nice bit of solidarity!

It does seem that these city jobs are a nightmare for family life...

Tbh, I think the all or nothing is that he's an addict.

Still not excusing him, but I that's what rings out from this story for me.

It's not just a stereotype is it and that's what really took me by surprise. The difficulty is that once you're caught up in that culture it's difficult to believe anyone else when they say it's not normal. As the wife you're expected to put up and shut up as you're getting a cushy life whilst they work their balls off earning the money . They are like dinosaurs and have no idea/ thought for the fact that probably most of their wives work their arses off as well and are probably equally successful in their own careers and/or working damn hard bringing up their children in the absence of their fathers. And breathe, rant over!

Yes, I agree that he has to want to do it himself.

Like I say, I probably wouldn´t leave if changes were made, but the going along with it instead of saying no would bother me tbh-especially when it led to not being able to wake up the next morning!

Look, my dh worked in the City for 20 years and I know he never, ever went into a strip club, a lap dancing bar or any other titty-based drinking establishment. (Basically, he's a complete square and also extremely tight!).

He knows other people did it and, yes I'm sure some people do feel "under pressure" to join in but THEY DON'T HAVE TO!!

Dh and I have talked about this and he never felt that it would have affected his job if he didn't do it.

All I'm saying is, yes this culture exists but - in my dh's experience - it definitely does not have to be the norm.

I'm not disputing what anyone else has said, btw, just giving another perspective.

As someone said earlier, I can't believe anyone would have objected to Jinty's dh bailing out at 10pm if he'd told them why.

Ezma - nope, def not a sterotype. I've watched colleagues celebrate a deal closing by trying to extinguish flaming sambuccas on their nipples. That was on a Friday afternoon after they had 8 pints and they were ready to go on for the night. I expect that story is like loads of others. Many marriages in my office collapsed or turn into marriages of convenience, not due to the long hours (which are always blamed) but by the "work hard, party harder" behaviour of men (and, on one occasion a woman) in the time off they did have.

Blimey so much of this would worry me. His drinking to the point where he allegedly can't remember; the gross money spending; the strip club; the lack of respect for your needs and hopes; the excusing him and his behaviour because of the "City" culture (he is an adult and he does make choices).

I also remain sceptical that he will get any help for his drinking and is just saying that to appease you.

I had an ex that went to lap dance clubs on occassion and there is a reason he is my ex. They are degrading to women and that pervasive attitude spread into our relationship too. He had no respect for me or my feelings.

Judge him by his actions not his words. You deserve better.