DH missed 12wk scan due to being passed out drunk and in a strip club til 3am

[JintyMcGinty]

The title says it all really

How could he do that?!? After a miscarriage and an ectopic and three failed rounds of IVF, I am finally overjoyed to be 12 weeks pregnant. D(!)H and I have been so together, so rock solid throughout all the ups and downs of TTC and he seemed utterly thrilled about the baby...or so I thought. I?d really appreciate your advice on how to deal with this because I feel completely frozen hearted towards him ? like I am beyond caring and never want to see him again. He knew how worried and nervous I was about the scan and getting the results of the nuchal fold scan and blood tests! Am I over reacting for wanting to tell him to get lost?

We were supposed to be going out last night with close friends to watch a comedy gig, but DH dropped out at 5pm saying that he had a client dinner to attend that he had forgotten about. This is not unusual in his line of work and, while I was irritated that he had double booked us, I went to the gig anyway and told DH I would see him later at home.

We had a lovely night at the gig and when I got home about 11pm, I was surprised to find that there was no sign of DH. I went to bed a slept right away. He woke me up, by staggering around the bedroom like a human pin-ball, at about 3.30am, but I was so exhausted I fell deep asleep again.

The scan appointment was at 8.30am and we had to get across London at rush hour, so the alarm went off at 6.30am. I got up, but I couldn?t wake DH at all ? he was absolutely out cold, pissed as a newt, reeking of booze. I tried everything to wake him - I shouted in his ear, shook him, pulled the covers off, lifted up his eyelids, hauled him upright into the sitting position. Nothing apart from some semi-conscious muttering and snoring. I went downstairs and made a cup of tea and tried again to wake him. Nothing. I tried yet again after showering ad he was still out cold, nothing. I was so angry and upset by this stage. In the end, I had to go and so I left a note saying that he was a sh*t to be so pissed and to leave me to go to the scan alone and that he had missed seeing the first pictures of his baby and I was ashamed of him.

Then, when I was just heading out of the front door, I glanced over and there was a receipt on the hall table, timed at 2.50am today from Secrets Nightclub (i.e. titty bar, strip club, whatever) for £1700! I am horrified. So I burst into tears and left. I cried all the way through the scan (the doctor thought I was just emotional) and I was so upset that when I filled in the forms that I told them I was a single parent, because that?s how I felt.

On top of everything else, we completed on our house purchase this morning ? our ?forever house? - so it was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives.

Oh, and he eventually called me at 11.15am saying that he had just woken up and was sorry(!) (I ignored the call - too angry to speak)

JMc

p.s. scan results were fine

Just looking again-he wasn´t the host-so could easily have left at any point?

Have just read through this whole thread.

It does sound like your DH is sorry about the scan, and just got carried away in that respect. Hopefully he will sort out the drinking aspect himself.

I would still be pissed off that he lied about the comedy night. Why not say he didn't want to go in the first place? Also the lap dances would seriously piss me off as would the money it cost.

I'm sure these things are still anooying you too.

P.S. congrats on your pregnancy

squeaver - exactly! Why can't they realise that at the end of the day it's not going to completely ruin their careers by calling it a day at a sensible time and not getting pissed to the point they make complete idiots of themselves (my ex threw up all over himself on a number of occasions in public places and then had to get home stinking of booze and covered in puke - how gross is that). Surely it's the mark of someone more capable to know when to draw the line and be able to turn up at their desk the next morning sober and capable of doing their job rather than being applauded for staying out half the night and acting like a t**t.

yes, he could have left, but he didn't. He admitted that he didn't think about leaving and, in his mind, he had the day off, so that allowed him to have a big night out. He admitted that he thought that going along to the scan with a hangover would be ok

Jinty, I hope you can see that he has a serious personality flaw, if he's going to be a decent husband and father he needs to get himself sorted out sooner, rather than later.

Well, he might have been able to get through the scan with a hangover-unfortunately he couldn´t even get up!

The fact that he didn´t even think about leaving is very

What it boils down to is that his priorities are entirely different from yours. He has announced that loud and clear.

If going to the scan was a priority of his he would have done it. End of. People make time and put in effort when they prioritise something. He put in the effort to lie to you about the comedy gig and all that followed was where his priorities lay, not the scan, not the baby, not you, not the relationship with you.

You have a really huge problem on your hands.

Look, what's done is done, but I think Jinty that it sounds like he has a problem with drink and that needs to be addressed. All the talking and excuses are a waste of breath (especially when he was still hungover) - we can all justify our behaviour after the event, rationalisations are an addict's speciality but he's wasting your time. Being an alcoholic doesn't make him a bad person, but it will make him do bad things.

Maybe just focus on looking forward, like, what is his plan now? And insisting that there be a plan (which you have). I wonder if talking to some people in AA would help him see how bad this could get for him if he doesn't sort out his head.

Jinty, going to be heading home soon after long day messing around on MN at my desk but just wanted to say hope you have a good weekend, you get to work out some more of this with your husband in your own time and, most of all, you get time to relax after what must have been a really difficult day or two for you. Despite what's happened, you seem to have kept a really level head and I think you've been been absolutely brilliant and strong throughout it all. As I said before, if you need more advice/ vent some more, you know where we are

I think it's really good news that he is taking responsibility for his actions and volunteered to seek help. He sounds genuinely remorseful, although that's no excuse for what he's done. Hopefully, it's the final blow-out for him and will make him realise that really, as a father, he can never do this again. And that when the baby comes, he'll want to come home to see his child instead!

I really want to be clear that if he is an alcoholic then his priorities may be different to yours but it isn't out of malice, it's a serious illness which he has to get treatment for. His past behaviour doesn't suggest that he's just a git, he's stuck with you through all sorts of awful stuff but something's up now so.... It could even be a bad bout of depression or some other emotional meltdown that's hitting him for some reason. I hate what he did and I don't condone it but I think it could be the catalyst that leads to some really positive change.

And I agree with what Ezma says, you've been amazing!

yes, packing up here too and heading home. Have a great weekend ladies and thank you for being so supportive. I'll let you know if anything else happens.

Have a good weekend, Jinty

So glad your scan went well Jinty, great news !

Your husband was an arse, he's apologised, although I don't think you should just forgive and forget, you and only you know your husband well enough to know if he is truely sorry for his actions.

I hope you can work through this and look forward to your new life with your new baby in your new home

Sounds like a classic City personality I'm afraid. Unfortunately as well as providing the cash for big 'forever houses' it's another part of life living with a City boy. Ik. Some women find the financial compensation enough to deal with it, others don't. I wouldn't.
If he doesn't have a drinking problem, which again is classic City territory, it could be he subconsciously decided to get blotto because he was so nervous about the scan after all of your past disappointments? That's the kindest possible spin on it I can think of, but only you'll know whether that could ring true or not.

He needs to pay for a private 4(3?)D scan.

Iknow that not all of you feel this way but it would be the lapdance thing that would kill me as well as the drinking.

Why, when he has you at home would he want some cheap chav running her chest and god knows what else all over him?? Disrespectful at the very least.

I could not forgive that, and to me it would be as good as cheating except you are paying for it.

City life or not, everybody has a mind of their own and I for one have never succumbed to pier pressure not even as a teenager.

I feel very sorry for you as you must be feeling terrible. I would actually leave over this as it is a major thing in your life to have your first baby and what should be a very special time in your lives, he chose to go boozing and chasing cheap tarts instead.

His reasons for the counselling is to get off the hook with you. Do you really think it will make the slightest difference??

He wouldn't get away with it that easily if it was me, I would frighten the crap out of him if it was my DH.

OP, you need to start a savings account for your eyes only.
If you don't ever need it then great, but in a few years you might be glad you have it.

I don't think people should read too much into this. He's been a total knob at a really inappropriate time.

FWIW I told DH about this as he works in the Advertising/Media industry and this kind of night out/jolly is also the norm. He thinks the OP's DH might have been striped. If he was quite clearly worse for wear and didn't really have any clue what was going on then he would have been an easy target for the strip-club. We have countless friends who have nightmare stories of being thrown out of strip joints aswell as being totally fleeced. I think this could have happened. Not that it makes any difference to the OP.

I am glad you are feeling better after talking to your DH. To be honest though I think this conversation shows he has a big big problem with alcohol. I would be furious that he lied to you about the night out and made arrangements with you that he had no intention of keeping. I would be willing to bet that his reason for choosing the work night over the comedy gig was that there was more alcohol and more opportunity for getting pissed at the work thing. He didn't want to go out with you because he wouldn't be able to drink/ would have to drink less and would be home early. Making plans based on how to get the most drink is classic alcholic behaviour.
Once out it didn't occur to him to come home because the drink had taken over all he cared about was how to get the next one.
The fact that both you and he acknowledge it is a problem is positive but I don't think you should make the mistake of thinking this is down to peer pressure or after work drinks gone mad - he actively planned this, it wasn't a matter of his mates asking him to go for a pint at 5pm. As far as he was concerned the scan was an opportunity to go out and get drunk (because he had the day off).
This is a problem that he really has to address and tbh I don't think some airy fairy course about resisting peer pressure is going to cut it. He should be talking to AA.

Jinty - you sound very level-headed and as if you know your boundaries, and you're obviously making them clear to your DH. Good luck with the next few weeks. I hope you get the family life that you deserve, and that it all works out OK for you - and tbh whatever happens you sound like the kind of person who will be OK, because you're clearly stronger that your DH. x

jinty congratulations on your pg and so glad all was well at the nuchal
As for your h..........well there's no need for me to say how out of order he is. Your OP says it all But what makes me feel very uneasy is the deception and plotting that preceded the strip joint. He had never intended on going. He lied to you right from the word go. He didn't have the guts to tell you he didn't want to go. Then, in keeping with the whole deception thing, he went on to a stip joint and blew a hell of a lot of your money (joint money)on nude dancers, the day before you both get to see the first images of your much wanted baby........in full knowledge of such but clearly not bothering to think about (by his own admission). So he didn't think of you or the baby - at all. And his explanation imo does not show true remorse - just pity and shame for himself. I'd want to see more from him tbh.

I am sure I am not the only one - but 1 7 0 0 QUID on lap dances !!!

You are a better woman than I, I could NOT let that go with the grace that you have shown.

Good for you being strong and dignified and congratulations on the baby!

TBH, those who say that his job "expects" it, I disagree.

I think people with this tendency to go to excess seek out this type of job, so that they are like minded people working & therefore socialising together.

Trus test is what he does now, if he can't/won't atick the promises he had then you may need to rethink.

Try not to let this stress you out.