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Original poster

DH missed 12wk scan due to being passed out drunk and in a strip club til 3am

182 replies

JintyMcGinty · 29/07/2010 13:44

The title says it all really

How could he do that?!? After a miscarriage and an ectopic and three failed rounds of IVF, I am finally overjoyed to be 12 weeks pregnant. D(!)H and I have been so together, so rock solid throughout all the ups and downs of TTC and he seemed utterly thrilled about the baby...or so I thought. I?d really appreciate your advice on how to deal with this because I feel completely frozen hearted towards him ? like I am beyond caring and never want to see him again. He knew how worried and nervous I was about the scan and getting the results of the nuchal fold scan and blood tests! Am I over reacting for wanting to tell him to get lost?

We were supposed to be going out last night with close friends to watch a comedy gig, but DH dropped out at 5pm saying that he had a client dinner to attend that he had forgotten about. This is not unusual in his line of work and, while I was irritated that he had double booked us, I went to the gig anyway and told DH I would see him later at home.

We had a lovely night at the gig and when I got home about 11pm, I was surprised to find that there was no sign of DH. I went to bed a slept right away. He woke me up, by staggering around the bedroom like a human pin-ball, at about 3.30am, but I was so exhausted I fell deep asleep again.

The scan appointment was at 8.30am and we had to get across London at rush hour, so the alarm went off at 6.30am. I got up, but I couldn?t wake DH at all ? he was absolutely out cold, pissed as a newt, reeking of booze. I tried everything to wake him - I shouted in his ear, shook him, pulled the covers off, lifted up his eyelids, hauled him upright into the sitting position. Nothing apart from some semi-conscious muttering and snoring. I went downstairs and made a cup of tea and tried again to wake him. Nothing. I tried yet again after showering ad he was still out cold, nothing. I was so angry and upset by this stage. In the end, I had to go and so I left a note saying that he was a sh*t to be so pissed and to leave me to go to the scan alone and that he had missed seeing the first pictures of his baby and I was ashamed of him.

Then, when I was just heading out of the front door, I glanced over and there was a receipt on the hall table, timed at 2.50am today from Secrets Nightclub (i.e. titty bar, strip club, whatever) for £1700! I am horrified. So I burst into tears and left. I cried all the way through the scan (the doctor thought I was just emotional) and I was so upset that when I filled in the forms that I told them I was a single parent, because that?s how I felt.

On top of everything else, we completed on our house purchase this morning ? our ?forever house? - so it was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives.

Oh, and he eventually called me at 11.15am saying that he had just woken up and was sorry(!) (I ignored the call - too angry to speak)

JMc

p.s. scan results were fine

OP posts:
Original poster
JintyMcGinty · 29/07/2010 15:46

awsomewellies - yes, that's the place. Urgh, fully nude table dancing. That makes me feel queasy, (although that could be the morning sickness)

OP posts:
diddl · 29/07/2010 15:47
  1. His cancelling/ bailing out at the last minute
  2. His drinking
  3. visiting the strip club
  4. spending a HUGE amount of money at said club
  5. Failing to come with you to the scan

Any one of those would piss me off tbh.

And the coming home at stupid o´clock & waking you up just a couple of hours before you need to get up.

My respect for him would take a serious nose dive, that´s for sure.

BlueFergie · 29/07/2010 15:53

Just wondering........In the messages he left has he asked how the scan went?

Warbride · 29/07/2010 15:54

OMG! What a serious lack of respect for you and your life.

I am sorry but I would actually leave him for this.

Completely unforgivable.

Ilythia · 29/07/2010 15:58

I actually have to agree with shiney.
it doesn't sound like he meant to miss your scan, after a few drinks your 'drunk judgement' gets skewed so he may have drunk more than intended and so didn't realise he wouldn't be able to get up. I mean, he went out, yes, and spent loads, ok, thats shit, but he didn't purposely miss your scan.
i do think that ignoring him is not the right way to go about it. You need to speak with him and hear what he has to say rather than reading all the 'leave him' posts on here. I am not saying he is blameless but he is your husband and deserves the right to defend himself from a judging/dumping session on mn.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 29/07/2010 15:58

I would go absolutely ballistic. My rage would know no bounds. He'd be wise to go to ground for several days until I'd calmed down enough to speak in a pitch audible to human beings. I would possibly sell some of his favourite things on ebay to pay for the fucking ridiculous bill to look at naked ladies.

You may be slightly more reasonable than me, though. In which case, he's unbelievably lucky

GingGangGoolie · 29/07/2010 15:58

Could he have got that pissed because he was worried about the scan, given your previous problems?

Could he have wanted to miss it because he was scared?

I've had a few of those scans where things aren't going well (or at all) with the pregnancy and it could be possible that he couldn't cope with another of those?

Ezma · 29/07/2010 15:59

Jinty the Ice Maiden , I like your style!

Once you've got all the serious stuff out of the way, I think you might also find that you need to go shopping at the weekend with your husband. After all, now that the 12 week scan is ok, there is so much to organise for the baby and of course you'll need some new maternity clothes. Finally, it is very important that you are completely relaxed throughout this pregnancy so a course of pregnancy massages might also be the order of the day, presumably he still has some credit left on his card?

DameGladys · 29/07/2010 16:00

lol at 'go to ground'

Yes maybe you need to 'go to the mattresses' OP.

tokenfemale · 29/07/2010 16:00

I think the intent issue isn't the relevant issue here. It is about responsibility. He KNEW the scan today was an important day for both of you and he fucked up, through choice.

There is many a time I have been out late at big boozy events the night before an important family day. And so I deliberately limit what I drink. Because I take responsibility. It is selfish not not to. Yes, it is very easy to get carried away and drink to excess when you are out with a crowd. But that does not excuse it. he fucked up. Big time.

And he will never, ever get that moment back. Seeing your first baby at the scan together is such a precious moment. He tainted it for you and he completely missed it himself. What an utter fucking twat.

diddl · 29/07/2010 16:03

I´m am that anyone is making excuses for him.

Surely he didn´t have to go to a lap cub until 3am & get completely shitfaced?

He´s an adult-he makes his own decisions, and this is what he chose to do.
As well as choosing not to go to the scan.

Fücking unforgivable imo.

Original poster
JintyMcGinty · 29/07/2010 16:03

Juju - sorry you had to go through that with your DH. I think I can/want to forgive DH, but i want a lot of questions answered first.

OP posts:
rubbersoul · 29/07/2010 16:05

So sorry you're having to deal with this crap. You really need to speak to him about this- he needs to explain himself big time. I would be too angry for words

Congratulations on the scan going well

SandStorm · 29/07/2010 16:05

I think Ezma speaks great sense.

I also think until you have spoken to him and got his reasons for his behaviour you can't really move forward one way or the other. I can understand you wanting space from him tonight but don't leave it too long. It will only get harder.

This doesn't mean, of course, that you can't be mad at him.

Ilythia · 29/07/2010 16:09

I'm not making excuses but i think op needs to speak to her husband and tell him how upset she is rather than blanking him.

sowhatis · 29/07/2010 16:15

i would be livid and it would take me a long time to forgive him. def need to talk to him, but iw ould wait until tomorrow when his head is clearer.

Ezma · 29/07/2010 16:15

I agree that it is really poor form to do what Jinty's husband has done and there is no way that you can ever recover that lost moment of the first scan. However, I do think that providing there is nothing more onerous here than Jinty's husband having behaved like an overgrown schoolboy who has now hopefully had a short sharp lesson showing that he needs to grow up fast then they should look at how they can perhaps create other memories from this precious time. Jinty, they are not going to replace the scan but perhaps look at getting some baby bump photos with you both or a 4D scan or the like?

We all f**k up at times and providing this is a one off, is not the way Jinty's husband normally behaves and is not a sign of things to come then it shouldn't be something that comes between them for the rest of their lives.

Jinty, I really hope that for all your sakes this will work itself out and it doesn't permanently mar what should be a wonderful time for you both.

diddl · 29/07/2010 16:17

I´d have to give it a day or two before I could speak to him without slapping him calmly.

proudnsad · 29/07/2010 16:25

Be angry say 'I will never forget or forgive this' (because you won't) fume for a week or two. Then move on.

We all fuck up. His was a big'un.

hobbgoblin · 29/07/2010 16:26

Those that advocate talking this through as the first step, rather than a step that comes later, do you not think that makes it too easy for him to 'get away with it' and thus think he can do so again. If all he has to do is face a stern heart to heart then it is worth doing it again and again and again...

I'm not saying he will make the same mistake over and over but the level of disrespect and the lack of thought here indicates that in his mind what has happened is on some level acceptable. Personally, I think one starts by making the message of unacceptability clear by taking time out and follows up by talking through one's feelings and expectations.

There was no confusion here about what was expected of him. He knew what was required of him and chose to ignore this and to give his desires priority status. When he ordered the first drink too many, the subsequent drinks too many...when he chose to go the strip bar, when he chose to spend a ridiculous amount of money and when he chose to not come home until the early hours and then again when he chose not to get his arse out of bed the next day. Why wasn't he at the hospital, late, with an apology. Why hasn't he taken the day off to make amends? Where is his request for time to offer an explanation?

LimaCharlie · 29/07/2010 16:37

When I was first pg DH went a bit odd - in spite of being in his late 30s he was trying to come to terms with growing up.

I hope that this is all that this is and that you can move on from this - after much grovelling on his part naturally

MadAboutQuavers · 29/07/2010 16:47

I agree with Ezma's approach. I also think that suggesting Jinty leaves her DH on the grounds of this one night is nonsense, tbh.

However, I'd say you do need to let him know:

  1. How unimportant he has made you feel
  1. That you are so pissed off and unhappy that you don't even want to look at him at the moment
  1. That if he thinks this is something that's going to be forgotten - so he's free to continue to behave like a irresponsible arsehole for the rest of your pregnancy/child rearing - he is most laughably mistaken

It does sound like you'll get this sorted, as he's obviously shitting himself if he's left you messages, but he needs to learn BIG TIME from it...

Ezma · 29/07/2010 16:51

Agree with MadAbout

AmazingBouncingFerret · 29/07/2010 16:58

I dont know about anyone else but I reeeally want to know what he has to say for himself.
I would be furious.

hobbgoblin · 29/07/2010 17:09

PS

I don't follow my own advice at all and every single time I've gone for the sodding 'talking' approach and every single time I've regretted it and realised I should have cut off and taken control by doing so.

You go back and talk when you are ready to. How dare he throw this on you. Why should you have to spend tonight and the next days speaking about his mistakes. Have some 'you' time and talk when you want to ,not now just because he has done this to you now. You write the agenda.