OW got pregnant...

[drmac]

my husband had an affair with a good friend of mine. She got pregnant and had a son.

We are trying to work through this and I am having another baby - due in November.

I'd just like to hear from other people who've maybe been through this.

How are things between you now? Do you think you'll ever completely get over it?

thanks

Oh dear, what a nightmare - very sorry to hear that.

Can't offer any advice but hopefully someone will come along shortly who is of more use than me!

Best of luck

No advice here either but hopefully someone will be along soon....

Not wanting to judge or ask wrong questions..... Was it planned for you to get pregnant now..?

Does he see the other child?

these will be half siblings, will they have a relationship?

i would try to look at the bigger picture, and be the best parent / person you can.
i know someone who this happened to, and they are all on good terms.

Thanks for the replies.

Yes this baby was planned. We thought it would be a good way for our family to re-connect. We already have a DD.

He doesn't see the other child no. He doesn't feel he can at the moment as he's been quite ill with the effects of all this.

The OW has offered but she took the child quite far away so we aren't sure how practical it will be for contact etc

I would just love to hear that people can move on from this. I feel so angry at her and I'm not sure how I can start to forgive her for what she has done to my family.

Poor you firstly! But I am not sure why your anger is solely directed at her and what she has done to your family. She was a friend so that is a bit shitty but he is your DH, he is the one that made a committment to you and he is the one who has betrayed you the most in my view.

How you been to Relate? Do you trust him?

He is responsible too, she didnt make a baby alone.
You say he has been quite ill, i imagine it is a sickener for her going through everything alone.

I know thats not what you wanted to hear, you and the children are the innocents here

you just want to know if things will get better?

I think that stage is a long way off and you all have a lot of work to do.

Have you tried talking to your GP or midwife?

I chose to forgive my husband because it was
the right thing for the family so I guess it's easier to be angry at her.

He has admitted his part in this and I feel that he was led on by her. He has been devastated by this really, as have I.

She has walked away and taken his child which has been upsetting. She's emailed us but is trying to act friendly and sending photos etc which she says is for the child's sake but I'd rather she just kept it very brief and to the point. DH can't look at the photos yet.

I do trust him - just not her I guess.

We have had counselling through our church which I feel has really helped me to forgive him.

What kind of involvement have people had with the child in this situation?

Yes I know he is responsible too. the child is a year old now and I really wanted things to be sorted by now.

I have been acting as a go between because I think that's best for DH now. If I didn't, I think he'd just forget about the child completely to be honest.

She moved away - apparently because she had no family here. So she now has a lot of support I suppose.

I really just need to know that families can get through this. The alternative is never going to be an option really.

My sympathies are all with you. She and your DH decided to have unprotected sex, they are responsible for this and the DC involved. FWIW my DH had unprotected sex with OW in our case - she told him she had been sterilised and after the affair was over he was dreading her turning up with a baby in tow. We did discuss this outcome and I told him that I would have sole contact with OW, she would have to deal with me as far as her DC was concerned, all contact etc would be arranged through, never again would she be allowed to get through our "marriage walls".

Maybe it would be better for you to get something legal in place as far as the child is concerned, get some proper boundaries in place whilst it is so raw between you and your DH, re contact, maintenance. Reading between the lines, it sounds like she still has this hold over both of you and she knows it etc. Yes it is hard bringing up a baby on your own but if that is not what you want don't go shagging a married man .

If you haven't already, get "Not Just Friends" by Shirley GLass, it is very informative.

Good luck, I'm 16 months down the line and it is still very painful at times. Abedelia had a post affair baby, hopefully she will be along soon with more help.

Thanks counting.

I don't mind being the go between really. She obviously feels that we should all just act amicable for the child's sake but it's not that easy really.

You are right - if she didn't want to end up alone and with a child she should have found someone more available. According to mutual friends, she is saying he made the first contact and pursued it, she's even offered to show me the emails to prove this but I've chosen to stand by my husband so I guess this doesn't matter in the long run.

I just wish we could concentrate on our family and new baby.

I'll look for that book - thank you.

I think contact between your H and the child is probably currently unnecessary and may not be in the child's best interests.

I'm sorry this has happened but fwiw I'm struggling with your forgiving your H and not forgiving her.

I think you would be best keeping your lives very separate from this woman and her child.

Your husband sounds like he finds it very easy to abdicate responsibility for things.

I know you said he admitted his part in it, but that doesn't sound entirely true if she has evidence to show that he initiated and chased.

The 'can't bring himself to look at the pictures' of his own child is also, frankly, pathetic. He created that person and the mother has had to tend to its every need for over a year now. He needs to man up and stop letting you be the only one thinking of the needs of the child.

I know you said you just wanted advice on how to move forward on this, but I honestly feel that all the above is crucial to this.

Until he steps up to the plate and is truly honest and truly takes responsibility for his actions and the child that resulted, you will not be able to achieve a fully honest, transparent and loving relationship where you are able to respect him (imo obviously!)

Message deleted

I would not continue a relationship with a person who did not want to see their own child simple as.

Drmac, has your DH answered all your questions re the affair ? Do you and he have a proper understanding of why it happened ? What it was about him and his character that gave himself permission to do this ? The book will help you explore these things. I think the affair hasn't properly been dealt with and he is wallowing in self-pity a bit ?

This might help a bit and I found this website very helpful to me at the time as well (the articles are very useful).

It sounds like you could both do with some independent counselling still ?

I think you are both pretty irresponsible tbh. Having a baby to bring you closer??? let's hope it works out eh? A baby is not a fixer for your problems.

Your H is showing a complete lack of character. The OW is dealing with the fallout and he cannot bear to look at a photo......?

I am sorry for you, having someone cheat is horrible but using a baby as glue without even having sorted out the rules, boundaries and issues makes you as feckless as him.

"I have been acting as a go between because I think that's best for DH now. If I didn't, I think he'd just forget about the child completely to be honest."

I find this really chilling. Unless your husband was raped, then this child is his responsibility. How nice for him to have you to protect him from the consequences of his actions.

He needs to grow a pair and try to be some sort of (absent) father to this child and you need to stop making excuses for him.

I'm no expert but most people here will say that the only possible way to move forward in these situatins is when the person who has cheated owns up in full to everything they have done, and takes full responsibility for the outcome of their actions.

Your DH hasn't really done this has he, he has been 'forgiven' and is now shielded by you from the emotional and practical carnage that his choices have created.

If I had any advice it would be that you need to get this man to face up to what he has done and take full responsibility before thinking you can forgive and move on.

what the last 2 posters said

I am sorry, OP, your spineless twat of a husband needs to face up to his responsibilities (to his child, and to you) and stop hiding behind his wife

what consequences has he actually had to face for his sordid little escapades ?

Yeah, with all those who think your DH needs to grow a pair. The OW didn't get pregnant, your DH got her pregnant. Subtle difference, but important IMO. He's going to blame it all on her, isn't he?

In answer to your specific question, there are at least two regular posters on here for whom this has happened. As I recall, neither of them are still with their Hs, although both made superhuman efforts to get past this, but neither "man" had the necessary character and emotional intelligence to work through the issues and take responsibility. Hopefully they will be along at some point to tell you their stories.

I agree with the others here and I am writing from the perspective of a woman whose H had an affair. Both the OW and your H are to blame for this situation, but in my experience, you can only ever get past a situation like this when your H takes full responsibility for his actions. You seem in denial about his role in this and he is hiding beneath your skirts at the moment, which in your shoes would make me lose even more respect for him.

I would be very wary of only getting help from church folk too - I think your H needs to do the most enormous amount of work on himself - and that means solo counselling with a trained professional and facing up to the consequences - before you can ever be sure that he has changed as a person.

I'd query yur motivation for having another child too and wonder whether you're in a bit of denial about why you decided to do this. If any of it is rooted in competition with the OW, it needs to be acknowledged.

Your H cannot hide away from the mess he has created and expecting you to view photos that must wound you, is actually cruel.

It doesn't matter either who pursued whom at the start of an affair. If it was her, he could have said "no" and if it was him (as seems likely given what she's said) then he needs to admit that. She didn't trick him into a pregnancy either and he risked not only that, but also your sexual health. I hope he and you have had a STI test; it's a must as she won't have been tested in pregnancy unless she specifically requested it, as you no doubt know from your recent experience.

Please don't bargain this away and infantilise him as a poor man who got tempted by a wanton woman. And stop clearing up his mess for him. He's a father to this child, whether he likes it or not. He needs to provide for that child at the very least and acknowledge that he's reduced your financial options for the next 18 years at least and reduced what is available for your own family.

Bloody good post wwifn.

excuse me, but an affair is ENTIRELY the fault of the person in a relationship and in the affair.
the OW is irrelevant.
the excuses people make are incredible.
ooh she led him on.
ooh she started it.

irrelevant. if you are in a relationship, it is your responsibility to stay faithful to your partner, you are the only person controlling your actions, and the only person who can determine how faithful you are.

my exH had an affair, and if he had fathered a child and then refused to have anything to do with it he would have very little to do with our daughters from then on.