OW got pregnant...

[drmac]

my husband had an affair with a good friend of mine. She got pregnant and had a son.

We are trying to work through this and I am having another baby - due in November.

I'd just like to hear from other people who've maybe been through this.

How are things between you now? Do you think you'll ever completely get over it?

thanks

Not that I belive anyone can be led on. They go willingly or not at all.

People aren't giving her grief for trying to make it work though. They are trying to suggest that papering over the cracks isn't likely to make it work, and that a more sensible approach would be independent counselling for both parties, separately and together. Lots of them are even doing it sympathetically, from a position of similar experience.

Not me, obviously - I acknowledge that I have been a short tempered cow. But on the whole there is good advice here.

Not many people have said she should throw her marriage away, in fairness. That is her choice (although her husband didn't seem to give it much thought, did he?).

And people who have been through similar have given their experiences. Unfortunately, they haven't been along the lines of 'Yes, it has all worked out fine, we are all living happily ever after and it was totally worth all the pain and grief and the shunning of the OW and her child'. Hardly surprising really.

OP
My dad had an affair with a friend and fathered a child a year before he fathered another child with my mum. I was 1yo when other DC was conceived. I don't know the ins and outs but my mum forgave him and they went on to have more DCs and are still happily together. I know my mum tends to blame her for lying about her lack of contraception which obviously helps her to deal with it in some way. Dad did have contact with his son, with mum's blessing, and although 1/2bro told him he didn't want to have more contact about ten years ago, we are in contact with him as siblings.

So it can work out.

I feel for you OP but your Hubby, you and OW need to sort this out. You need to put in sensible reasonable plans for now and especially the future. OH is being an ostrich but there is a child out there that is his and related to your children and it has to cared for and be comfortable with their family.

Your OH needs a kick up the pants. He had some fun now he needs to deal with the results.

It won't be pleasing but you make it as easy or as difficult as you like.

at having a baby to "reconnect"

at the clique excuses "she led him on"

that any woman can stand by a man who refuses to take responsibility aleast for the life he has created.

I know you must be hurting but can you imagine the pain "the OW's child" YOUR "D"H's son/daughter will be feeling few years down the line?

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'hardly blame her for being rather pleased that contact is minimal'

Well, yes, actually, I can - if not blame her - but point out how wrong it would be if she did feel that she was benefiting from this situation.

I cannot imagine ever deluding myself that my DH turning his back on his own child would somehow make our marriage stronger and our lives happier.

Oh dear. Poor you. What an awful mess, and none of your own making. You must feel very shocked. I can hardly imagine. I feel so sorry for you.

It seems to me that you are attempting to 'fix' this, single handed. To fix your ill husband and his guilt; to fix your marriage and (somewhere at the bottom of the heap) your own self. You are taking everything on to your own shoulders.

You desperately want to get things 'back to normal' and have a normal family life again. And I imagine that that is why you have decided to have another baby yourself - to wrench things back on the track you had envisaged as the pathway of your marriage and your life.

To do all this in the face of your own confusion and pain would require superhuman powers. In short - it cannot be done by you alone. You need help - proper, sustained help - from family, friends or a counsellor.

You will see in lots of replies here that people are (rightly) horrified by the idea of a man who can just walk away from his baby. But this is not criticism of you. It is criticism of him. This is not another thing for you to fix. IT IS HIS RESPONSIBILITY.

Yes and actually, a good sign that trust is being restored is when you wouldn't feel threatened in the least if it was necessary for your H to speak to the OW again. In this situation, it is an interaction that needs to happen.

wow - so many replies I don't know where to start.

Thankyou for taking the time to share your opinions / experiences with me.

I'd like to address the issue of us having another baby ourselves first. We had always planned another child so I felt it was important to go ahead with this. I didn't want what happened to change or life in every way I guess. Also - I see it as a commitment from him. That he is valuing our family and planning for our future.

Our DD does know about the baby. I have explained that she is a big sister already. It seemed important to me that she have some time to let this sink in before she might have to deal with contact visits etc.

I think that my husband has been so shocked by his behaviour and that is what has made him unwell. Neither of us would have thought he was the type to do this - he's very quiet and I was his first girlfriend / lover. It was a purely sexual thing with the ow and there was no love on his part. I think she 'fell' for him. we were friends for some time before it started.

It must seem I am making excuses for him. Maybe I am but I want my marriage to work.

I am still taking in some of the other stuff that was said.

Oh drmac. I don't know where to start. I am aware I might sound like I am attacking you, and I promise, that is not the spirit in which I post, but honestly - listen to yourself!

Having a baby with you is a sign of commitment from him? But what about the other child he created? Is he committed to that child or his/her mother? Don't you see the HUGE glaring contradiction here? is this his way of making it up to you? 'Sorry I got our friend up the duff. here, you can have one, too'???

'I didn't want what happened to change our life in any way'.

While I sympathise with your massively, these sound like the words of a very young, naive, sheltered girl. Your husband had an affair with your friend , got her pregnant, walked away from his child, made a 'band aid' baby with you. Everything has changed. Denial won't make it all go away.

Oh, I don't know what else to say. I feel really sorry for you. You have had a horrible thing happen to you.

However, I think you are dealing with it in the worst way possible.

does he want the marriage to work though?

there is a lot about what you are doing, and a lot about how he can't deal with it.. the consequences of his own actions...

why would you expect this not to change your lives?

why would you be happy to have a baby now ,just because it's something you'd always planned to do... when he was happy to hve a baby with someone else and walk away with barely a backward glance?

there are some massive issues that need dealing with at some point

It may well be a commitment to you in having another baby but what about the commitment he made to ow by their child?
Fair enough wanting to make the marriage work I understand that but it seems like you are letting him get away with this behaviour.

How ill exactly? To ill to arrange maintenance for the baby too? He made a choice when he embarked on the affair, who led who on is irrelevant. It is up to him to man up and face his responsibilities - to you and all his children.

drmac I'd really recommend counselling for you - I'd put that above couples counselling tbh. Your husband has behaved appallingly and I can't see how you can move on if you can't allow yourself to see that.

You can't have your old life/relationship back. It's gone - he (not she) destroyed it. Yes you might be able to build a new one together but you can't do that unless both of you accept the reality of what has happened.

I cannot just give up on my marriage. I could not be a single parent or give up the life style I have now. The whole idea of sharing our DD after a divorce feels me with horror tbh

I know he isn't really dealing with the child etc. I don't mind doing it for him because I then feel in control of the situation a bit more and he honestly says he can't cope with it all so what else am I meant to do? If I refuse to he simply won't.

I am aware that all of my anger is directed at her - and she does deserve A LOT of it - but how will being angry at him help solve this.

We both know what he has done. I don't need to hear who started it or why. He cheated. End of.

I just wanted to know if families can survive this. If my anger towards her will go eventually. I have no sympathy for her - she doesn't deserve that from me does she. She made her bed and now she can wallow in it as a single parent. she chose to be irresponsible about protection. She then chose to keep the child when my husband made it clear he could not support her. She has made these choices so should have thought about how they affect her now.

Maybe he should stand up to his responsibilities with her more. He has just started paying csa. But he feels his priority should be with me and our family. He can't deal with us all.

This woman may have been your friend but she made no vows and no commitment to you. That is why your anger should be directed at your husband.

She didn't chose to be irresponsible about protection. She AND YOUR HUSBAND chose to be irresponsible about protection. Oh and I bet he didn't give a shit about you while he was dipping his unprotected cock in her.

Why does she have to wallow in her bed but your poor pathetic husband can't (and doesn't have to)?

Your husband is coming across as selfish and pathetic.

You deserve way better than this.

He might just decide that he can't cope with you and another baby either, so be prepared that you might have more in common with the OW than you think, this time next year. Bear that in mind....

I can honestly say I've never read anything so bizarre.

He secretly fucked your best friend
He got her pregnant
He ran back to you
He's ill because he's made such a fucking mess of everything, but you think it's all her fault
You look at photos of your husbands illegitimate child, but he can't bring himself to because poor diddums finds it all oh-so-difficult
You think poor diddums, what a difficult situation for him, I'll sort it out for him and wipe his arse whilst I'm at it

And then ... to cap it all off, you introduce another new baby into the equation with possibly the world's most pathetic and feckless man.

Unbelievable.

He sounds like a truly weak, spineless man.

I really think that with the way your 'DH' Ha! is behaving, you will be having alot in common with the OW in the future!

He didn't give much thought to you or your DD when he was shagging her did he?

Appalling man. And not the type of 'man' to have ANOTHER child with...

You are a glutton for punishment. Sorry.

He's a complete twat imo. I really don't think he deserves any of you. I'm not sure a new baby will bring your marriage any better. If I were you I'd take a break, look after your baby and then find a new man.

It must be very difficult.

He's a complete twat imo. I really don't think he deserves any of you. I'm not sure a new baby will bring your marriage any better. If I were you I'd take a break, look after your baby and then find a new man.

It must be very difficult.

Imo OP. You're fucked.