OW got pregnant...

[drmac]

my husband had an affair with a good friend of mine. She got pregnant and had a son.

We are trying to work through this and I am having another baby - due in November.

I'd just like to hear from other people who've maybe been through this.

How are things between you now? Do you think you'll ever completely get over it?

thanks

Drmac - oh dear.

Well has your DH had a breakdown or something? And is he really rich - hence your reluctance to lose 'your lifestyle'.

Because to be honest if my DH had betrayed me with one of my friends and he'd gotten her pregnant - well - a solicitor would be involved.

Blaming her is just shifting the blame from the person who pledged his loyalty and fidelity to you - presumably in church.

I think you're in a very sad situation but if I were you I'd be seeking counselling - why are you letting someone treat you like your DH is? And also seeking legal advice to ensure you'd be ok financially.

I entirely agree with AF.

Message deleted

I think everyone should lay off drmac. The poor woman is just trying to find her way through one hideous mess and all she's getting is grief. No-one knows how they react until they are in a situation themselves, so you can all go on about what you would do but it's all just talk because you're not in it. Maybe her husband is a good person who made a terrible mistake and can't deal with it. Don't have any answers really - just wanted to stick up for OP who seems to be getting a bit of a roasting. Hope you find some peace soon drmac.

Sassy - I think the basic advice is that her DH has to deal with the situation is good.

And that is the only way their relationship stands any chance of moving forward.

He has to stand up and take responsibility for his actions. Just in the same way we make a small child acknowledge when they've done wrong and make amends.

I forgot OP was pregnant,

It seems unbelievable that her DH is letting her deal with all of his mess whilst she is 5 months pregnant and presumably not needing the extra stress?

I'm just gobsmacked.

Please, if you're going to save your marriage, the only way you will do it is to force your husband to take responsibility for his own actions. If he chooses to have nothing to do with his child, well that's his decision.

drmc just to give another point of view for you to think about. Is it that your dh thinks that he is going to hurt you further by having anything to do with the ow's baby? i think you are showing a great amount of resilience in this situation.
How much have you pressed him on the issue if you are able to deal with it all there really is no need for him to be scared of having a role in his childs life.
I haven't been completely in your situaton but myself and dh have overcome an affair on his half and we have came out the other side a much more understanding partnership, i wish you all the best just make sure that you give yourself time to breath and think over things the forgiveness takes time but is possible.

"He has just started paying csa. But he feels his priority should be with me and our family. He can't deal with us all."

Well, sorry OP, but tough shit to your "D"H. Forget about you and the OW, there are three children here that your H has a responsibility for. His priorities are with them.

I realise you're pregnant but my god your H sounds like a spineless dick [unprotected]

He does have a name yes. I am making an effort to use it in rl but it hurts to acknowledge him still. We required a dna to be sure so at the start I didn't want to use his name.

I don't think it was so wrong of me to want support and some inkling of hope tbh.

Yes he cheated, yes she was a friend, yes it was without thought to the family he already had but if i start hating him now where will it get me?

We both chose to have another child. please stoop acting like that decision is on a par with child abuse. This baby will be loved completely. we are 100 percent committed to our marriage and where our life is going. (yes, yes - I know.....NOW)

He is not facing the responsibility of his son. you have all made that clear so i guess the question is how do i make him?

Message deleted

I don't think that's true - most of the advice has not centred on 'how to leave your husband' but on suggesting that getting him to deal with the mess he's created is the only way to move through this - what else do you suggest she does?

Agree Highlystrung, until you have been in that position you do not know how to act. If Drmac wants to deal directly with OW for timebeing then so be it, quite frankly it's a bit rich for OW to refuse access whilst there is so much tension . Other couples have to arrange access (through contact centres if necessary) and those can be couples who were married to each other IYSWIM.

Drmac, please get some counselling for yourself, you do not have to forgive ANYONE yet - my DH is still earning my forgiveness. Think of yourself, your DC and the child of this affair - that is all that matters atm. The OW and your H can look after themselves and their egos etc.

OP - you say

He is not facing the responsibility of his son. you have all made that clear so i guess the question is how do i make him?

I think the answer is - any decisions he chooses to make are his decisions, and he must take responsibility for them. So whilst you may know that he SHOULD have contact with his child, if he doesn't want to, you shouldn't be covering for him and trying to organise things the way they should be.

I think maybe the best approach is to tell him that you're not going to make it better, that his decisions are his decisions and his alone, and that he may have to deal with the consequences of any of his decisions at a later date.

"And don't adress your dc's half-sibling as 'the child'. Its bloody offensive."

However offensive it might be to call a child a child in crazy world, it is deeply unpleasant to come onto a thread started by a pregnant woman in a lot of pain and start bossing her around and insulting her.

FFS this woman is going through emotional hell, but you just want to join in the crowd a beat her up a little bit more.

Shame on you. Really.

Sassy - I guess that Drmac's DH has acted in a pretty shocking way.

Drmac - good luck with your pregnancy. You know if it was me I wouldn't facilitate the contact with his other child - he needs to sort it out.

Are many other people aware of whats gone on? I just hope that you've got some support now and in the future when you may need it.

Message deleted

I'm a Christian and can sympathise with you drmac on your feelings and how you came to the decisions you did.

My church fully supported me and when my H basically chose the other woman over me, but I had to help him make the decision I ended up having to move on and face all the fears of being a lone parent. But my church also supported me there too and I get a tremendous amount of support and kindness from them, as well as mumsnet

But feel free to contact me through the CAT messenging if you ever want to. It must be very difficult for you.

Drmac
You want to 'get over it'. You want to forgive. You cannot do either of these things until you understand what the issue is and know what you are forgiving.

Unless you know why dh did this you cannot forgive it. Was he unhappy? bored? curious? How long would it have carried on if she didn't get pregnant? Would he ever have told you? What does he understand by his marriage vows? What will he do next time he feels unhappy/ bored/ curious and a pretty friend appears to be available? How will it be different next time (because there always is a next time)?

You cannot forgive what you don't know about or get over what you don't understand. Why do you think people have to confess their sins before they can be absolved?

You need answers before you can hope to get over this and he owes you them.

thankyou skidoodly

Our friends and family are aware of what has gone on yes.

He has faced up to this in certain ways - I would not allow it to be brushed under the carpet.

I know that I need to take a step back now.

slambang - he has said he was curious and confused. he felt an attraction to her. they had grown close as friends and things between us were stale. He says the thrill of it was what made it continue for so long but that it was only ever sexual.

sassy - valid points but she has made this so much harder by moving away and initially refusing to have contact via me. she says she needed it to come from him which i now kind of understand. Se moved because she felt she needed family and friends to support her as she was too ashamed to try and build bridges within our church after everyone found out.

cakeandteas - thank you for you offer. I may take you up on it.

just out of interest OP, what sort of message do you think this will send out to your dd when she is old enough to understand this?
If this ever happened to her, would you really feel it ok for her dh to treat her like this? Would you be telling her to "forgive" a lying cheating feckless idiot, or would you be telling her to get some self respect?

brightlight - thank you for your advice. I am feeling pretty clear about the fact that he needs to see these photos. it's just hard. he will probably refuse. so maybe I will set them as his desktop or something?

I have no relevant experience but do have a strong Christian faith so I can understand your commitment to making your marriage work and to forgiveness.

I do worry like everyone else though that forgiveness might be sort of papering over the hurt without really facing up to the feelings and the consequences.

I have a very good Christian friend whose husband was killed by a drunk driver and she told me that it took many years before she could really genuinely forgive that person. She had to go through anger at the driver and anger at God. She felt under a lot of pressure to say she forgave and she wanted to but she needed to go through it all first.

You can't displace your anger and blame onto the OW and say you've forgiven your husband because in that case you are not really forgiving him for what he actually did but just for a watered down, excused away version. He needs to frankly confess all his guilt in this without excuses and actually show with his actions that he is sorry.

Probably the most Christian thing you and your husband could do would be to love the little boy who is the innocent victim.

I don't pretend any of this will be easy. I can hardly imagine how hard it will be. I do think you both need professional counselling. That is not an unChristian thing any more than going to a Dr for a physical illness.