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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OW got pregnant...

273 replies

drmac · 27/07/2010 22:24

my husband had an affair with a good friend of mine. She got pregnant and had a son.

We are trying to work through this and I am having another baby - due in November.

I'd just like to hear from other people who've maybe been through this.

How are things between you now? Do you think you'll ever completely get over it?

thanks

OP posts:
teaandcakeplease · 29/07/2010 16:12

I read an excellent book on affairs by Shirley Glass, it may have been mentioned on this thread and it does state in the early days when you're trying to repair a marriage that boundaries are necessary. As you would be worried the affair would begin again, you need full transparency on contact with the OW if contact is necessary and other measures. Whilst trust is being rebuilt in the early days it can be shattered easily and all the fear, rage and panic of the affair can come crashing in on you again, as the betrayed party. All the hard work on growing trust can be shattered in an instant again if the H isn't transparent. However (not that Shirley Glass is the total be all and end all on affairs) she does say if 2 years (I think) down the line you're still needing the same boundaries, that there maybe deeper issues that need dealing with in your own life. So over time these requirements should lessen. However it's tricky in SFC's situation as her H will always see the OW due to their child. Usually with an affair they do recommend cold turkey, for the greatest chance of success on healing a marriage. So from my perspective, especially as my H did have an affair. I completely understand why the marriage counselors recommended supervised contact between H and the child and the OW in the early days.

It maybe well worth you reading this book camaleon if it helps you to understand why marriage counselors recommended to SFC the course they did? It sounds extreme I suppose but I do understand why, having had the agony of my H having an affair.

SFC80 · 29/07/2010 16:17

Thanks teaandcakeplease.

Original poster
drmac · 29/07/2010 16:42

So, I've had some helpful replies and some time to digest what's been said.

I think it's safe to say that things can't carry on as they were.

I do need him to take more responsibility for what he's done and start acknowledging his son. I'm not sure how we will start this process but I do know that I will not be able to hand everything over to him - I will need to be involved for the sake of my family.

I guess we all need to start thinking more about the child and my dd also. Hopefully in time they will have a good sibling relationship although her moving 500 miles away does not make that easy.

It's been interesting reading the differing opinions. Some of them were very helpful - others were just plain rude and hurtful. But hanks for taking the time to reply.
sfc80 - my cat messages are sorted thank you

OP posts:
QueenofDreams · 29/07/2010 16:56

I think it's unfair that the op is getting a roasting for her attitude to her H's other child.

Seriously - if my DP had a child with another woman I would not be able to look at it without bitterness and hurt. I know that sounds cruel, but that child would be a living reminder of his infidelity. That child SHOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED in the first place.

Of course I wouldn't be as forgiving to DP as drmac has been. I really wouldn't be able to live with him after this as all trust would have been totally destroyed.

Theyremybiscuits · 29/07/2010 17:02

Queen I think that post was awful...'loot at IT' Shameful.

Badly put.

SassySusan · 29/07/2010 17:02

Message deleted

SassySusan · 29/07/2010 17:08

Message deleted

QueenofDreams · 29/07/2010 17:18

Biscuits I was using a non-gender specific term. My ds was 'it' until he was born and became 'he'. Was not referring to the child in the OP's case but to a hypothetical, non-existent child. I don't think it's THAT offensive as to be labelled AWFUL.

ChocHobNob · 29/07/2010 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Wanttofly · 29/07/2010 17:25

I think you need to look after you and your baby for now and let your husband deal with his son.

Is your Husband looking forward to your new baby?

Are thing getting back to normal between you both?

Do you trust him?

Having a new baby is hard work and its easy to show cracks in relationship when everyone isn't getting any sleep.

I would not be angry at OW. I would be worried about my husband lieing to me and the fear that it might happen again and he may not tell you.

It must be so hard for you right now

I hope things get better for you and you can be happy again

grapeandlemon · 29/07/2010 18:35

He is not dealing with his son though is he? He can't " bear" to look at a photo of the baby.

grapeandlemon · 29/07/2010 18:36

Or say his name

Original poster
drmac · 29/07/2010 19:28

grape - not right now he can't but that will have to change. I understand that.

I can see that his way of dealing with things is not working. we need to take another approach - or rather he does.

I'm just not sure if i see the point now tbh. she took the child too far away for things to work well. i'll leave him to decide i suppose.

OP posts:
SFC80 · 29/07/2010 19:41

Drmac - if you want to email me at [email protected] I can let you know the details of a group that may be able to help xxx

grapeandlemon · 29/07/2010 19:53

Good luck drmac, you are not a bad person by any means but the choices you make now are really really important for the rest of your life.

I sincerely hope your baby brings you the joy you need it to, but please spare a thought about the "OW" and put yourself in her shoes. She is a Mother too and has to bear the brunt of the ramifications of her mistake and face up to the reality that selfish behavior has a cost and sometimes other people (her innocent child) have to pay. She has been cast out from her church through shame and moved away to raise her and your Hs child.

I really can't comment on your H anymore without being horribly rude, but he is not facing up to any of that, he is being the most disgraceful coward and HE was the one who betrayed you, his wife, and instigated the affair so is far far worse imo.

If you are standing by him then so be it but please wake up to the reality of what he is and what he has done.

LadyBiscuit · 29/07/2010 20:58

If men wore condoms when they were fucking women other than their wives, none of this shit would ever happen. What kind of vile man has extra-marital affairs without using a condom anyway?

Why you are all wasting your energy blaming the OW is beyond me. She hasn't ever made any promises to you. Your husbands did.

AnyFucker · 29/07/2010 21:12

all ?

who are you addressing, LB ?

although I do agree with your sentiments

LadyBiscuit · 29/07/2010 21:23

Sorry AF - obviously not you or anyone else who's been accused of being hard on the OP. But the women who've been through this who are so sadly desperate to save their marriages that it's handy to put the OW into an evil temptress box, with their husbands as the poor saps who get lulled into a false sense of security and then somehow, against their will, end up fucking these evil women many times over several months.

Wake up people. These men don't respect you - they have put you you into the wife and mother box. You are not their lovers.

AnyFucker · 29/07/2010 21:28

sorry, LB, didn't mean to jump on you

I don't think I have been hard on the OP though, I have been hard on her husband

as have been most of the "harsher" posters

thoroughly deserved, IMO

LadyBiscuit · 29/07/2010 21:45

No worries AF. My post was cross and badly worded

AnyFucker · 29/07/2010 21:47

oh, I've done cross and badly-worded many times

mostly on these types of threads

youngblowfish · 29/07/2010 22:13

A bit OT, but the OP's forgiveness made me want to share my story, I have no experience of cheating husbands, but when I was a teenager, I was sexually abused by a Christian family man. We had a very long relationship. I used to spend family holidays with them and visit them on a regular basis as it was an ideal set-up for my abuser.

When I had an inevitable and spectacular meltdown years after the abuse started and stopped all contact with him, he was so distressed that he lost weight and ended up mourning for months. Poor thing. His devoted Christian wife and their Christian children (the girl was just 2 years younger than me) walked on eggshells while the father was slowly and painfully recovering from losing his teenage lover. He was rather proud of how he managed to turn the situation around and how everybody felt sorry for him in the end. He expressed it rather clearly and boasted about being looked after by the entire family.

From social networking sites I gather that, many years later, they are still together. Despite all the abuse, I consider myself lucky for not having to see him ever again.

Sometimes, forgiveness is nothing more than giving permission for others to get away with deplorable conduct.

I wish you the best of luck, drmac. Really. I may not understand, but I hope you find a way to be happy.

youngblowfish · 29/07/2010 22:17
Eurostar · 29/07/2010 22:38

I am wondering if this man cannot bear to face what he has done because he is still struggling with monogamy. Sorry to say this now OP with you being pregnant but are you sure your DH is really at peace with the fact that he will not touch another woman in his life? Are you sure he is not struggling with the need he had to be sexual with another woman (and it seems from her offer of emails that he did a lot of chasing) because he is still feeling that need?
I'd suggest he gets to a non Christian therapist so that he can be completely open. Otherwise you might be following a life path of sorting out his messes...and Blowfish's point is very valid on what forgiveness means unless both parties are in on the deal.

AnyFucker · 29/07/2010 22:44

ybf, your experience has made me feel very sad, and very angry

< weakly waves back >