OW got pregnant...

[drmac]

my husband had an affair with a good friend of mine. She got pregnant and had a son.

We are trying to work through this and I am having another baby - due in November.

I'd just like to hear from other people who've maybe been through this.

How are things between you now? Do you think you'll ever completely get over it?

thanks

I'd tell her that perfect fairy tale lives don't get handed to you on a plate and that sometimes you get the pleasure of having the pony but you'll always have to shovel the horse crap at some point.

I am working hard to save something I feel could be great again. I could give up and walk away but what would that teach her?

drmac, is your husband seeking any medical advice or counselling himself, if all of this has made him 'poorly'? In the circumstances that really is the very minimum he ought to be doing. He needs to find a way of dealing with what he has done to you and your family and to take responsibility for his son. He might need to talk that all through, but he needs to organise that, he owes you that much at least.

I think you are taking on so much here and trying desperately hard to make sure your husband does the right thing, but that really isn't your responsibility.

It does sound like he is just hiding away from what he has done and I really can't see how any of you can move forward until he can face up to the consequences of his actions.

Counselling for yourself might be a good idea too, if only to help you see that, no matter how hard you try, you just can't fix this on your own.

How come he couldn't support "the child" but can support another child with you?

It would teach her that she deserves someone who treats her with respect.
That a man who could do this to his family is not a man worth having.
It would also teach her that her mother had enough self esteem not to accept the pathetic excuses of a lying cheat who gets another woman pregnant then abdictes all responsibility.

All valuable lessons to learn

"he will probably refuse. "

He will refuse to look at photos of his own son?

Even when asked to do so by the woman he betrayed to conceive him?

It is unsupportable for him to continue to be this selfish.

who knows Yama? It seems I'm pretty clueless tbh.

He simply says he is unable to deal with this. I think he is struggling with coming to terms with being the kind of man to do this. I don't really know what he feels about his son. Other then being upset that he is far away and that he had no say in the name - which he really dislikes. He hasn't really explained it well and clams up if i try so I simply tell him what the next step must be - add your name to bc etc - and he agrees.

This baby is very much wanted and loved by both of us. We are focusing on this for the most part.

tirelady - i guess it seems very different on your side of the fence.

Sorry, but he really does sound terribly immature from what you're saying. He is upset because he couldn't help choose the name even though he refused to help the OW during the pg, didn't pay any CSA for a year and has refused to even look at a picture of his baby? Goodness me. 'Focusing' on your own pg is all well and good, but it doesn't make the other baby go away.

I agree with the others who have said that he really needs to take responsibility and that doesn't mean picking names, it means behaving like an adult rather than a spoilt child.

I'm sorry for the question Drmac. I'm not judging him.

He needs - for his own wellbeing as well as for the wellbeing of his family - to take some responsibility here.

You need to get some independent counselling to help you find your way through your feelings. It could be of such help to you.

It is now time for him to look at the photos, take the reins from you in this and face what happened.

I can understand that his actions must have been at odds with his perception of himself and this has brought his reality shattering around his ears.

The only way he will restore his self esteem and also have a chance of being genuinely able to promise that this won't happen again is if he faces himself in the mirror, so to speak.

He's upset that the son whose photo he's refusing to look at is far away and is upset that he wasn't consulted on his name?

"I think he is struggling with coming to terms with being the kind of man to do this."

Well he is the kind of man to do this. He's the kind of man to do this, let you find out from somebody else, and then act like a massive child and refuse to deal with what he's done.

The way he's acting now is unbelievably self-indulgent.

Until he comes to terms with the fact that he IS the kind of man who would do this then he can't ask for your forgiveness because he isn't truly sorry.

He has to own up to what he has done. And you have to accept it in its full ugliness. Until that is done there is no real forgiveness.

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I don't really see why it is good of OW to use OP as a contact point.

It's the very least she could do after doing her absolute utmost to destroy her friend's life.

drmac- my DP had an affair and the OW got pregnant. I didn't find out until she was 5 months pregnant. I knew her vaguelly but she lived, and lives, in another country. We broke up at this point. It was a huge shock for me and needless to say I had lots of counselling.

however...and I know that so many people out there will be disgusted with me, but we got back together a year later, albiet very slowly. And it was a mutual decision to restart our relationship. However it has been so difficult and hard work for me to trust him completely and at a subconscious level to forgive him as well, although I do now trust him. It took several years before I stopped thinking about what he did and the child on a daily basis. The turning point for me was having my own DD and my career to define me.

DP still has contact with the OW's child (a girl) and as they live elsewhere, this is only once or twice a year. I feel okay about this and whilst I never want to meet the OW or the girl, I would be happy for my DD to meet them in the future and perhaps develop some relationship with her sister. I think that in the future, when my daughter is an adult she would want to have knoweldge and the possibilty of a relationship with all of her siblings irrespective of how the adults around her had behaved.

Your husband needs to take responsibility for his actions, rather than hide. For me it hasn't been easy but the anger is gone, however I don't know how I would feel if the OW had been a friend and someone who lives nearby. Its far from a perfect relationship but I have worked hard not to let this define me or our relationship. And I also want to say, after previewing the message, that DP has worked hard too to make the relationship work and change himself.

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I have a carpet. I am brushing like feckin mad.

skidoodly you seem to have changed your tune.

Why are pringles so expensive in petrol stations?

Wow, some of these responses are fucking mean.

Congratulations on your pregnancy op. And you are to be commended for having the courage to work through something like this. You must really love your husband.

Any feelings of anger, resentment etc you have will fade with time. There's no quick fix.

Re: your husband's ds, in your situation I would refuse to sort ou anything to do with him- no nagging, nothing. Obviously not refuse to mention him or anything like that, but take none of the responsibility. After all, it isn't your responsibility, and it sounds like you cant force your dh to do anything constructive now, even with all the effort you're making. So I would just back off and let him do it/not do it, but let him know how I felt about him not having contact with his son- ie not very bloody impressed!

Good luck

Your OP made me cry because it's very close to a situation someone very close to me went through.

I'm being cagey to protect someone but..... said person's (let's call her Katie to avoid confusion). So Katie's husband had an affair with best friend and neighbour for a long time (as in years). Katie had no idea. Katie couldn't get pregnant and went through lots of tests and IVF etc. but didn't get pregnant, but her best friend did. OW decided to have an abortion. Katie's DH paid for it on his credit card. It all came out when the bill came. Katie was devastated because she felt her marriage had failed because she couldn't give her DH a baby.

In actual fact her marriage hadn't failed, but her husband had failed to be faithful. The baby was, sadly a side issue, in his relationship with the OW.

So then we had two women who could no longer turn to each other as best friends normally would, both heartbroken and a man who couldn't face up to what he'd done.

And it reminds me of you OP because the situation never changed, he never faced up to what happened and Katie never forgave herself for what she felt were her failings. And she died. Unrelated of course but their marriage, (what was left of it) lasted till then but for the whole rest of her life she still felt cheated out of what could have been, of a happy marriage and what she felt was her chance of having kids, which was stolen.

The irony is she would have accepted the OW's baby as part of their lives, she was that desperate to have a child.

You have a baby growing in you that needs to be part of a family. If you want your DH to be part of that family too he needs to understand that your values include rating highly all his children. He can't simply shrug and say 'too tricky right now' because pretty soon it will be too late and you will never trust him as a father knowing he could walk away from his own child.

Please tell him you need him to sort this out. He needs to apologise to the OW for being an arse and not getting involved sooner, get legal access sorted and be reliable, it's not just money. By all means be there for him and hopefully for her too - I don't actually think you can say 'it's her fault' or 'it's his fault' - it takes two and they both fucked up. But this has to be sorted before your child arrives, otherwise it'll be too late.

your husband sounds like a prize knob.

how he managed to be the victim in all of this is beyond me.

poor wee boy.

I am one of the posters WWIFN spoke of (I think. I was in your position 3 years ago.

My precious, precious DD2 is now 2 and a half. The OW's DD is 5 months older.

I am not with my XH, though no lack of trying on my side. I tried and fought and cried and blamed and hated the OW, for a long, long time. It almost destroyed me, there was no way in high hell to save my marriage, but I had to figure it out by myself. It almost consumed me with anger and bitterness and hatred. Be very careful what you are fighting for, and it will only work if your H is fighting too. By "helping" him and colluding against the OW, you are preventing him from taking any responsibility for his actions.

3 years down the line, I am a different person, changed by what my H did. We are now divorced, he is still a twat and always will be, I can deal with him much better now.

My DD's have a good relationship with their sister (we don't call her a half sister, she is their sister and they love her),I have no realtionship with her or the OW, but it is easier as I am no longer with their father.

But it was the hardest thing I have ever done, to put aside my hatred for the OW and her child, and now I couldn't care less about the OW, and my feelings for her DD, are based on my DD's affection for her.

It's been a long hard haul, don't underestimate how hard it is, good luck, I fear you will need it.

I have no sympathy for her - she doesn't deserve that from me does she. She made her bed and now she can wallow in it as a single parent. she chose to be irresponsible about protection. She then chose to keep the child when my husband made it clear he could not support her. She has made these choices so should have thought about how they affect her now

I had sympathy with you up until this point, tbh op, you deserve each other! Keep enabling this twat to deny his child, just because he can't cope, doesn't matter that there is a LIFE here. A LIFE that your h created & now can't be arsed with! I wouldn't be having any more children with a man like this because he had such little regard for his existing child when he shagged your friend & created a new life, now has to no regard for his 2nd child. I'd be worried about what he thinks of his 3rd, tbh.

He can't deal with us all
He should have thought about that when he put his dick inside her without any protection! And you haven't answered the posters asking about sexual health screening.

Have you ever heard the saying 'you can lead a horse to water, but can't make it drink?'
Because even if she DID lead him on, she didn't have the power to make him shag her, he did that of his own accord!

I think he is struggling with coming to terms with being the kind of man to do this
You found out when she was 5mth pregnant, so almost 18mths....he has has all that time to 'come to terms' with who he is & get this sorted!

I don't really know what he feels about his son
Have you talked at all, OP? Because sorry....but there seems to be lots you don't know here.

and that he had no say in the name - which he really dislikes

After She then chose to keep the child when my husband made it clear he could not support her that, he has NO right to be upset with her choice of name for her son!

whomovedmychocolate - thank you for sharing that story. It's very sad and i see your point.

cookiemonster - it is good to hear from someone who has been through this before. And thank you mcdoodle - I'm not sure I can be so detached from the ow and the child but i guess in your case it's different because you are no longer together. I truely hope we'll manage to work through this and admire you for trying so hard also.

I can see people find it hard to understand why i'd stay but I really want things to work out and i know i need to try my best with it all. But i can see he needs to try harder too.

He has had time off work because he was so unwell and has seen his gp etc. At the start, he talked of suicide etc. And i don't think it was a deflection of his guilt or anything because i saw how broken he was.

But you are all right - he has had enough time to deal with this and it's time now for me to let him sort things.

I don't really understand it from the ow's side although a few people here have put forward points i'd not considered before which have been helpful. I have just felt that she should try harder to make this easier on us but i need to remember that her choices aren't personally aimed at me. i obviously need to try harder at understanding her experiance in all of this. but really, i feel that's going to be hard to get past my anger.

i do appreciate the help.

You want to completely get over it?

He's walked away from responsibility and you are helping him.

The fact you are helping him avoid it, will mean than yrs down the line he will still think he can do what he likes and people will protect him if he indicates he's weak and crushed.

He's not a victim. He'd like everyone to think he is because that absolves him. Christians believe in forgiveness after confession. Confession isn't 'being found out' and then making excuses or being 'too ill' to cope. You are coping. The OW is coping and your DP is choosing to behave in this way. You are not helping him although you might think that you are.

Withdraw your support and make him grow a spine. Expect from him the same as you'd give.

I feel terribly sorry for you but I'm struggling to work out if you want this second child with DH because you can't bear the thought of being a single parent or giving up your lifestyle?
This is always going to be one huge fat elephant in the room until your DH deals with it and makes arrangements. Sorry but I think at the moment you are allowing him to behave childishly and as long at this continues I think it's only a matter of time before it either happens again or it explodes somehow.
I don't think it is fair to blame the OW so you will need to deal with your anger towards her as if (and I very much doubt it) your DH deals with it and starts to speak to OW etc I think you'll resent it and that will cause problems. Your DH was as much if not more to blame than the OW and I think you're using her to vent your anger on as you don't want to rock the boat at home?
I don't mean to sound harsh and I hope it works out.