Drmac, you have made a choice to work at your marriage and I totally respect that decision.
But to work through this together in a healthy way is what will help you to survive it as a family.
To survive it as a family, you have to work through it AS a family. I.e. both you and your dh together. Not just you alone.
Right now, your husband?s actions do not seem to be in the interests of your family. From what you have said, his actions seem to be only in his own interests.
Just look at how it sounds. You?ve told us yourself:
You are looking at the photos because he can?t bear to yet.
You have been acting as a go-between.
He has had no contact with his own child.
He?d prefer to just forget about the child completely.
These aren't things that make the situation easier to cope with for you - they are things that make it easier to cope with for him.
You have chosen to stay with a man who had an extra-marital affair and got someone pregnant. What he did was out of your control, but staying with him is your CHOICE. I do completely respect that choice.
You have chosen that because the good parts of your life together are worth fighting for, worth saving, right?
The thing is, you can?t just cherry-pick the good bits of it and not have the rest as well.
After everything you have had to cope with, you have every right to have your time of saying ?if only? and wishing things could be different. But that?s not living or moving forward.
At some point, having made the choice to be with him, you have to look around you at the altered landscape of your relationship and say ?This is how it IS, like it or not. This is what we have to deal with ? the good and the bad.?
If he's leaving you to deal with a massively difficult part of it, that's not you two working as a team.
Your love and care for him is clear and obvious, but you must also love and care for yourself.
Your family can come through this but surely only by pulling together?
You said:
?She obviously feels that we should all just act amicable for the child's sake but it's not that easy really.?
No, it?s not easy. That doesn?t mean it?s not worth it.
You asked if your anger towards her will go eventually. I don?t think it will magically fade away, no. I think you will have to work through it, if you want to, and that will be part of seeing a counsellor, as has been suggested. It?ll be hard work and it will take time, but I do think it is perfectly possible for your family to survive this.
But in all likelihood you will have to find a way to accept that it?s not going to be the same as it was ? it?ll be something new.