Finally confronting his verbal abuse

[onelastchance]

Brief history: sh and i together 9 years, i ds (4). Very volatile relatioship. Both witnessed emotional abuse from our parents. I recognised a few yeara ago i could be abusive and changed my behaviour. Dh is still emotionally abusive( and be lovely, kind, thoughtful, supportive too) but i can't take any more of the bad bits. i've told him this and have witten down the behaviours i find unacceptable along with a list of the positive things in our relationship. I'e made it clear i'll end things if these abusive behaviours continue and have said i'll support hm if he wants outside help and have also ordered a book about emotional abuse for us both to read.

The abusive behaviours he can display are; threatening stonewalling, intimidationg, dismissing, trivialising gaslighting, not taking responsibility for his behaviour.

The positive ones are thoughtful, considerate, responsible, loyal, kind.

We haven't discussed to list yet (he's done one for me too, but the only negative he could come up with were untidyiness and reminding him to do things when h'e busy). We've agreed to have time to think about the list first and discuss in a few days time. Hoe this isn't a waste of time....

lol, VS! I got "watching too many soaps", "reading too much" and "listening to other people". I gather Mumsnet is now a common cause of relationship disobedience, too

'Too sensitive' here. And he didn't like my 'ridiculous lists' (yes, I thought if only I could articulate it perfectly, he would understand, and see the importance of the relationship -- what kind of moron doesn't see this of his own accord though?) Or my 'silly books'. It was all my fault, all the time. 17 years of being dead wrong and completely unacceptable and never enough in everything I ever did or said or thought or felt. Couldn't win for losing. All of the criticism and accusations were code for 'Shutup, I hate you, don't ever leave me.' (Because he needed a cat to kick, not a loving wife.)

I would be very careful about sharing too much with him in the Engel worksheets (and I agree the general drift of that book is very problematic). I would actually not do any more of this collaborative work at all. Anything you say can and will be used against you. You will be surprised how much he will be able to recall of what you say about yourself when the chips are down, how little need he has of lists. Above all, never, ever admit to anything abusive.

The fact that you think you were abusive to him shows that you were probably far from it. If you were abusive, you wouldn't have cared enough to change. Same goes for your H, except the reverse since he is abusive, there's no way he can make himself care enough about forming a healthy relationship. What he has is someone who is meeting his needs. He needs you to be disabled very astute of your friend -- whether physically or emotionally or both. He needs to feel more able, superior, as if he has the moral high ground. There's no ability to give and take on both sides in a relationship like this, just give on one and take on the other.

Counselling on your own is the way to go. And see a solicitor as soon as you can because you have a little business of your own and you also may have rights to the house, etc.

(still kicking myself over the last 10 when I had sussed it but remained mired...)

Sounds bad. Maybe take a second look .

Sometimes the bad points outway the good.

just checking back into your thread, OLC

I strongly suggest you change your counseller and go alone

also, whatever "exercises" you are trying to do together....stop them

those kinds of approaches only work when both partners are equally aware and equally willing to adapt their behaviour

he won't adapt his behaviour...it is working too well (for him) at the moment

hope you are ok this evening...you sounded very, very dwn and desperate the other night x

he is doing this to you...when are you going to accept this ?

Hi AF, hope you had a good time away :)

I'm a bit better now thanks. I'm talking to my old counsellor tomorrow but have also asked for relate to contact me, whether i go alone or with dh , i don't know atm.

We did go through one f the excercise earlier this eve - not really for discussion, just to put our point viw accross. He and I are both going to read an anger management book as we both can get very angry and express it in inappropriate ways at times.

I know it's him who's mad me feel bad, but if he could deal better with his anger (i think in him it is mainly anger which manifests itself in bad ways) things would be so much better. No perfect, but good enough, i think

good times, thanks x

him dealing with his anger...well, yes, that goes without saying

him not taking it out on you might be a good start

but does he want to ? (really, that is...)

Hi AF, pleased you had a good time.

Well, he says he does, but as you know he's said lots of things before. of course, actions speak louder than words. Wish i didn't feel so sad, bad enough recovering from this broken ankle without all this too :(

morning x

what you up to today then ?

do you still have your cast on ?

No cast is off, still got crutches and can't drive atm or walk far so can't do much.

talking to counsellor later

good luck x

Thanks. I expect she'll suggest seeing us both again. I'm feeling so sad and confused still :(

of course you are

Dh thinks i should just get on with things and not keep thinking about the bad things that have happened and focus on the positive things he's done. he thinks i'm very negative :(

OLC...you talk a lot about what he thinks

Do I? I don't agree that i'm negative,it's generally me who arranges things, thinks of ways to try to improve how we relate, suggested we went to counselling, researched books, read about our situation, etc.

yes, he works hard at his job and has been doing most of the house stuff whule my ankle's been broken. But it's not like our problesm have only started since i broke my ankle...

When it comes to anger you've got to ask yourself is he losing his temper or using it.

Course he doesn't want to be reminded of the things he has said or done that have hurt you -- they remind him that you are a separate human being, with feelings and needs, not Mummy when he was about 2 and he could function in an age appropriate way and nobody expected any more of him.

You're not an extension of his personality and reminders of that are going to evoke the 'You're being negative' response in him. You're not negative -- you're raining on his little selfishness/ control / 2 year old life in a grownup's body picnic when you assert yourself.

I think joint counselling would be a waste of time, but going alone would have much better potential (not to the same one as before).