Finally confronting his verbal abuse

[onelastchance]

Brief history: sh and i together 9 years, i ds (4). Very volatile relatioship. Both witnessed emotional abuse from our parents. I recognised a few yeara ago i could be abusive and changed my behaviour. Dh is still emotionally abusive( and be lovely, kind, thoughtful, supportive too) but i can't take any more of the bad bits. i've told him this and have witten down the behaviours i find unacceptable along with a list of the positive things in our relationship. I'e made it clear i'll end things if these abusive behaviours continue and have said i'll support hm if he wants outside help and have also ordered a book about emotional abuse for us both to read.

The abusive behaviours he can display are; threatening stonewalling, intimidationg, dismissing, trivialising gaslighting, not taking responsibility for his behaviour.

The positive ones are thoughtful, considerate, responsible, loyal, kind.

We haven't discussed to list yet (he's done one for me too, but the only negative he could come up with were untidyiness and reminding him to do things when h'e busy). We've agreed to have time to think about the list first and discuss in a few days time. Hoe this isn't a waste of time....

Thanks Dittany.

We're supposed to be talking about what we've read later this eve, i really don't know if i can face it, or if there's any point. Maybe i should wait til after i've talked ot counsellor?

I feel if i postpone it, he'll use it against me to postpone/change things...

Hi, onelast, I just wanted to say how helpful it is that your friend had this thought. He's happier when you're disabled? Lovely

Whatever you decide do do (or not) this evening, keep your 'sensible head' switched on, and stay as calm as you can. Post back :)

There were sets of questions - one about being abused and one about being abusive.
I don't think i can face any more of his blame shifting , denails and anger tonight. Also really what's the point? he'll eithr forget the converation or remember the bits he wants to remember.

I feel so sad, and i wouldn't do it because of ds, but i was wishing my life was over when i woke up this morning

I know Grace, it's terrible, isn't. Friend was a bit reluctant to tell me, but i'm pleased she did - scary though. She nornally finds him quite grumpy but she said the difference was very noticeable.

I've remember what another friend said last year when i was recovering from an op and she bumped into h - she commented on how much more chatty he was than usual.

I can't believe all this :(

onelast .. if you do have a conversation with him, try to ignore what he's saying, but focus on how he's saying it and why.

I.e. don't get dragged into defending yourself against ridiculous accusations, just try to remain objective, think about how he's trying to make you feel, and the words/accusations he's using.

Emotional abuse is all about controlling your emotions, so try to work out HOW he's doing it. And then repeat it back to him.

DON'T whatever you do get into a defensive position where you spend the whole conversation fighting off his accusations.

I have to say though, that I've been in a similar position twice, and the two men have never changed, even when faced with what you might think were situations in which they really couldn't continue to deflect blame, accuse and lie ..... but they both did. They have to BELIEVE that they need to change. Unfortunately, by talking about abuse with an abuser, you give them more ammunition to throw at you at a later date.

I think I said before - everytime you disagree with him you'll be controlling, every time you try to have a conversation about something you'll be bullying.

I really hope you can work it out, but sometimes it's just easier to cut and run.

Thanks. i couldn't face talking about it tonight so told him i didn't feel up to it. he just said ok and went off to cook dinner (can't do much in kitchen atm because of ankle). he made a bit of small talk, i responded with short answers. feel so sad...Another night of wine and pills or nightnurse to get to sleep :(

Anyone there? Could just do with hearing a few more wise words....

Just bumping in the hope there's someone there - i know really late.

Tried to get to sleep and hr or so ago and just startd crying non stop at the thought od it all ending, not being there before and after school for ds,losing my home,all the upheaval, going back to a job i won;t like.

Found myslef saying why over and over. Why doesn't he take things seriously, why didnt he just book that rstaurant,why. god this is awful. I was lloking at my pills in the bathroom and it was so temping but i can't leave my beautiful ds

Oh, sweetheart, it is horrible isn't it :(

I'm sure he was absolutely lovely when you met, and really seemed to be everything you wanted & needed. You know, you talk about your future together, you share plans and you fall in love with that future, don't you? You build that dream, you work towards it, you believe this is a shared dream. That you'll be building it together.

... and then the rot sets in. What these men do is so vile, so cruel, it hardly bears thinking about. (Women do it, too, just seems to be mostly men.) It leaves you with all those dreams in tatters - you find yourself thinking sometimes, in the supermarket or in the back garden, "I don't like you!" Then you feel guilty, because you're still in love with your dream :(

The truth is what you've noticed now: It was a LIE. Or, rather, he was lying. He used your dream & your plans to get you under his foot
The other part of the truth is: what you're sad for; what you miss and what has gone - is the dream. The man himself was a lie, the one you fell in love with. It feels like he took your dreams with him. You will grieve, onelast - it's a way of saying goodbye to the man you thought he was.

You know what, though? he didn't take your dreams. He just took himself out of them. You can build the life you want for you & DD. Maybe, later, with somebody else but - just for now - just for you two.

With nobody dragging you down all the time, it'll be easier than you think :)

Hope you're not reading this, get some sleep!!

Thanks Grace. I'm doing all i can to stop myself going in and waking him up to ask why. Why couldn't he ust have booked it an showed he took things seriously. I can't stop crying. Everything else about my life is just how i'd like it - my ds is gorgeous, i've got some good friends, a lovley home in a lovley place, no money worries but h doesnt care about what importna to me and snd doesn't take it seriously.

he does do alot round the house, has been helpful while i've had bad ankle, why doesn't he care if he loses us

Coz he's so up himself, he's incapable of realising how privileged he is to have you both? He's a silly bugger, you deserve so much better. At the very minimum you deserve to be appreciated!

He's not who you thought he was. He just lied. He's a wally, and not a very nice one at that - but of course you will be sad for who you thought he was. This shouldn't have happened to you. But YOU have created your nice life, your lovely son, your friends and your home. You did it: this is your plan, your idea, your hard work & good will :) Be proud of it.

Good luck for tomorrow my love, it might be a bit weird. Have a slug of Night Nurse and snuggle up on the sofa, if that will help you sleep.

Thinking of you. x

thanks so much grace. The thing is alot of my nice life will go if we split up ie our nice home will have to be sold, i'll hav to give up being a sahm or will have no money coming im.

I just dont understand why he can do lots of nice things but still beahves so horribly too. I must be so stupid.

I'm off to take some night nurse now. Thanks again grace x

I have just read your entire thread.

Your DH doesn't seem entirely bad, he does seem to be very caring, he seems to be doing things that he thinks are caring/showing love (cooking dinner, shopping, coming home from work early to look after DS, asking if you want anything, making you breakfast and seemingly not complaining about any of it).

If I were you I would tell him that it's councelling or nothing... find a different councellor this time, you may have to try more than one - or each have one and one together. Self help books are ok to some degree, but a councellor is better. I know you said you have tried before - but tbh I think you had a rubbish councellor.

Good luck

thanks chippingin. I think that's it , he does what he thinks is important.

He's actually out with ds atm doing somthing for me ( i run a (very!) small business but been unable to get out becuae of ankle - he's out doing it for me this morning.

I was thinking about changing counsellors, it has crossed my mind that maybe mine isn't being effective. I've just asked for relate to contact me. Will takj to h about it later, whe ds in bed.

However this morning, he came in and saw how said i was, he asked why again! Basically told me i was picking on him for forgetting one thing, and that he id it as soon as i reminded him. No of course i'm feeling guilty

But you know it wasn't forgetting one thing and then doing it when he was reminded. You can't prove he deliberately didn't do it but at the least it indicates to you that he doesn't think of your wishes as all that important. You don't need to feel guilty for how you felt about it; we can't help what we feel, only what we do. And telling him why you are sad, when he asked, is not "picking on him". It's answering his question honestly.

His attitude gives a clue there. He's not just saying you don't need to be sad; he's accusing you of having a go. Which as far as you're concerned, you weren't. Either he sees it as you having a go, in which case he could really do with some help to stop seeing everything in terms of confrontation, or he is pretending to in order to make you feel guilty - which is exactly the end result, either way.

yes, I know Annie. I just feel i can't give up yet, until i've tried everyhing. There's so much at risk and despite everyhting, when things are good, i do like being with him

I have lurked through this thread..my ex is incredibly like your H.. committed co-parent, loyal, kind when it suited him... everyone thought we were a perfect, equal couple..

he just had sneaky ways of making me feel I should feel incredibly indebted to him for doing the ironing, taking more time off to pick up the DC's, etc... and when there was actually something I wanted or wanted to do, it was always very reasonably explained to me how this was impossible/unacceptable - when he was good,I thought we were very good...

• in-between that rages, stonewalling, gas-lighting, infidelity, banging walls, accusations etc, etc... we tried counseling - it was used as future ammunition for him against me.. currently all his 'good' activities during the marriage are being used as ammunition as why I am being unreasonable leaving...

honestly sweetie, I don't think there is anything else you can do... also my feelings of despair , helplessness disappeared rapidly after leaving him.. Also, what Grace said - you have created a good family, life, friends - be proud of this, and do best by you and your DS... I am sorry you are going through this...

Thanks Snow. One thing he's never done is been unfaithful. Well i assume not , have no cause to think he has.

He came in earlier to see me. I told him what a state i was in in the night. He said probably his lack of reaction to not having booked the restaurant was annoyance with himself. He was going on about beig so busy with work, looking after ds, looking after the house etc that he forgot. He has agreed to write things down from now on. he said it shouldn't cause so much upset that he forgot to book restaurant, i explained that if it had been a one off and it wasn't something that important to me, it wouldn't. It just showed how much was wrong.

I'm still going to talk to the counsellor on monday as arranged and she how it goes from there.

Dh has taken ds swimming now (i know that's a positive as it getting up ealry with him every day for the last 2 months while i've been injured)so i'm going to get dressed soon and try to have a happier day.

Just mentioned on my other thread so thought i should put it on here too. A friend has an xh with aspergers and dh shows some of these traits, ie lack if empathy, trouble showing feelings, inappropriate behaviour so this could be contributing to the problem

Mind, I'm not saying that you need to end it now. I'm saying it doesn't sound as if he is yet in the mental place to really want to change himself. Lip service won't cut it. Whether he is actually capable of changing, or seriously wanting to, remains to be seen. Just don't think of it as your failure if he doesn't.

Your husband is so much happier when you're sick and disabled, even outsiders notice it. You're disabled now. He's doing a great bit of co-parenting. Friends notice he is happier.

Now. Either he enjoys you being uder his foot - or he loves being a Dad & househusband, but you don't give him a chance to do it when you're well.

Which is it?

I don't know. maybe he has enjoyed being more involved with ds. I certainly don't stop him being involved normally though.

I speaking to our origial counsellor on monday, dh said he would go too but wasn't sure if it would help

No, I think it'll help more if you go alone :)

Thanks for your reply, onelast, I wasn't sure if I was being too confrontational. As you say: you don't stop him being a hands-on Dad, so his obvious enjoyment seems to be more a matter of being in control charge of you everything. I'm so pleased you're seeing your counsellor. I'll be wishing you a good, constructive meeting! x

ime there's no point confronting it. You'll be told you're too sensitive or reading too many magazines or something.

Refuse to put up with it by ending relationship