Finally confronting his verbal abuse

[onelastchance]

Brief history: sh and i together 9 years, i ds (4). Very volatile relatioship. Both witnessed emotional abuse from our parents. I recognised a few yeara ago i could be abusive and changed my behaviour. Dh is still emotionally abusive( and be lovely, kind, thoughtful, supportive too) but i can't take any more of the bad bits. i've told him this and have witten down the behaviours i find unacceptable along with a list of the positive things in our relationship. I'e made it clear i'll end things if these abusive behaviours continue and have said i'll support hm if he wants outside help and have also ordered a book about emotional abuse for us both to read.

The abusive behaviours he can display are; threatening stonewalling, intimidationg, dismissing, trivialising gaslighting, not taking responsibility for his behaviour.

The positive ones are thoughtful, considerate, responsible, loyal, kind.

We haven't discussed to list yet (he's done one for me too, but the only negative he could come up with were untidyiness and reminding him to do things when h'e busy). We've agreed to have time to think about the list first and discuss in a few days time. Hoe this isn't a waste of time....

Onelast, see what Dittany said here? "Like sixesandsevens says he hasn't done it because it's not his priority."

He didn't rush to find out what you needed because he doesn't care what you need. He hasn't done it yet because he doesn't care about it. He doesn't give a flying fuck about your relationship, he just plays at it now & again to keep you sweet.

By listening to your request and then not doing it for a week, he is showing you who's boss. He's showing you he doesn't care what you want.

"You've got the insight that his behaviour is abusive, but you're still acting as if it's your responsibility to help him change. It isn't."

Let me ask you this: Do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?

Why would you try and turn them into someone who does care, and who wants what you want? Isn't it a bit odd to try and change somebody else's character?

Thanks for all yor comment - it all makes perfects sense. I'm just so scared and so sad.

If he doesn't want to be with me then why doesn't he leave me?

This morning he asked me where the book was (i'd put it in a drawer yesterday as i had visitors comong and didn't want it on display). He said he looked for it last night to read it but couldn't find it (i'd already gone to bed so he couldn't ask me). So our talk about the book is now postponed til friday. Still having talk about the other things this eve. Pretty sure restaurant still not booked.

If he hasn't booked it, i'm tempted to tell him not to bother as i won't want to go out because i'll be thinking about him not bothering to book it when he said. The i's sure he'll just say i'm spoiling things because he forgot/didn't have time ot make a phone call.

This morning he asked how i aslept and i said badly again. Later he asked if i was ok, i said not really, just the ame as i've been for last couple of weeks..

A friend said i should just try to react dispassionately if he hasn't done what he agreed,just try not to let him see much reaction

postponed til friday

says it all, really

he won't leave you because I expect you are continuing to service him domestically ?

and he is rather enjoying playing gmaes with you

yes, you are scared and sad

I would be scared and sad if I realised the man who was supposed to make me happy made me nothing but insecure, scared, knocked off-balance, verbally abused, gaslighted yadayadayada

you do realise if you continue to put up with this, you are colluding with him, don't you ?

and he feels perfectly entitled to fuck with your head, because you continue to lay yourself completely open to it ?

Normally i do quite alot round the house, pretty much nothing atm because of broken ankle. He's been doing allof the house work (except cleaning, he wasn't doing that so i got a cleaner), cooking, ironing, washing, etc for the last 2 months as i've not been able to.

Under normal circumstances i do all cooking, cleaning, arrangements, most of washing. He irons, does garden, bins, hooevers (when reminded) Finewth that as he works full time and i'm sahm .

I know if i say i've had enough he'll tell me i'm ruining ds's life. he's done lots to help while ankle is broken, i'm laving because he hasn't read book/booked restaurant, i'm miserable and negaive - the list goes on.

He's always telling me how negative i am

when you tell him - you clearly dont like me why dont you leave - he will say no i wont leave. you OLC need to change. he will turn it back onto you.

you cannot win with these people. your eally cannot.

myexP used to strong me along too in very subtle ways but similar to this. it was a nite mare.

there is another happier life out there - you wont ruin DS life, you will give him a happer safer secure life when he is with you...

but you ahve to be strong enough to know he wont give up trying to control you - even from outside. be strong. see a good counsellor again, speak to womens aid, make a plan

well, I woud say you have a very good reason to feel negative

I am going to leave your thread now, OLC, because I feel any more I say will just be harping at you

I also don't think that you are ready to listen, so I think continuing to try to puncture your denial is likely to cause bad feeling

good luck x

Thanks for your comments.

AF - i'm sorry about you leaving the thread I am listening and taking it all in. I'm just trying to find the courage to change things. You were really helping, along with the others. I have no bad feeling about your comments - i'm really grateful for them x

I am pleased to be of some help x

I'd be really grateful if you'd stay on the thread, AF

lastchance...when your partner says "you are being negative" or "you are over reacting" or criticising you in this way, what he is really saying is "you are not agreeing with me, you should agree with me and shut up."
It also means he doesn't want to know what you feel and also, he doesn't care.

Think back on your conversations, you will probably find in all the arguments and criticisms what he really is saying is "shut up and agree with me" but he is not saying it directly.

Your DS will slowly learn that his mum's opinions and feelings are not important and don't matter, because this is how his father treats his mum.

You do matter as a person and you need to value yourself.

that is sweet of you, but I am not around after teatime for a few days anyway

going to a lovely place that has no broadband connection < bliss >

I am going to mark this thread though and see if you are still posting next week x

Thanks AF. have a lovely time away x

I certainly will

Sunshine, or no sunshine

Onelast,

Sorry, you're not making much progress.

Can I ask what is the Book you've got for him to read?

Actually,

that should read

sorry you're not making much progress.

IYSWIM!

The book is called "the emotionally abusive relationship" by Beverley Engel. It's written to help people stop abusing and being abused

OP, does the book try to get abused people to change their abusive partners?

As others have said, it seems to me that the onus is on him to take the initiaitive here and so far he has failed to do that.

I agree with whoever it was that said that the only way to make this guy take you seriously is to leave him - it doesn't have to be permanent if you can't face that, but as long as you are together in the house hassling him to read a book that he probably thinks is rubbish, he will not take you seriously.

I also agree with dittany about trying to change him. Fundamentally, you can't. And it isn't your job to anyway.

If he does manage to read a chapter and to book a restuarant then I don't see you as being any further forward to be honest. It doesn't change the way he treats you on a daily basis or the fundamental nature of your relationship.

The book aims to make people take respponsibilty for their bahaviour, recognise why it happens and find ways to change it. it also says that sometimes the only way is to end a relationship.

if he read the book/booked the restaurant it would at least prove he was taking our relationship seriously and doing things he agreed. he know i'm anxious when he's said he'll do something, until such time as he's done it, he know i want to trust him. I said to him alst thursday that him doing as he says will help me build trust in him.

Day to day he's fine to me really. Well nothing really bad, i suppose. If i never challenged him, gor upset about things, it's be ok

I don't know if it's already been said onelast, but if you give him goals like 'book a restaurant by next thursday' then you know that all that will happen is that he will either book it at the last minute or not at all, leaving you stressed for days on end.

Maybe goals like 'do it now' or 'do it by tomorrow' might cause less tension?

If you say 'book it by next thursday' then realistically, all he hears is 'book it next thursday'. And he won't then see what he's done wrong - technically he is in the right if he does book it, even if he does it with bad grace and at the very last minute.

Then you're back to 'christ I booked it like you asked, I can't please you' etc etc.

dittany it is this one

www.amazon.co.uk/Emotionally-Abusive-Relationship-Abused-Abusing/dp/0471454036

unles she has himself shown interest in taking responsbility then i doubt him reading the book will achieve much...

"Engel provides prescriptive strategies that will allow you and your partner to work together to stop bringing out the worst in each other and stop the abuse."

not read it but seems to focus on working it out together? which depends first and foremost on both parties being willing.

certainly would not have worked with my ex... bit cynical, me...sticking with lundy bancroft as the bible....

i mean he himself showing interest ...

read the "look inside" intro pages 2 to 3....

kinda justifies abuse (i paraphase: - "the abuser has often suffered abuse himself...he need sympathy"...) while bancroft states it is no excuse.... hmmm...diff perspective i guess

www.amazon.co.uk/Emotionally-Abusive-Relationship-Abused-Abusing/dp/0471454036#reader_0471454036

OLC - please read lundy bancroft

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=pd_sim_b_1

and some of the other books which argue against any jsutification or which argue that it is not unconcsious behaviour... it is behaviour that works for them to get what they want - so they continue to do it...keeping you on your toes... making sure you dont challenge them in any way... so that everything will be fine just as long as you behave....

I'm going to get the other book too and also look for some others - good to have different perspectives.

He's been home since 5 so could have spend some time reading book and still nothing about restaurant on calndar. Dreading talkign to him later. I know it will be seen as a fuss about "a phonecall".... I mustn't make a fuss, no point