Finally confronting his verbal abuse

[onelastchance]

Brief history: sh and i together 9 years, i ds (4). Very volatile relatioship. Both witnessed emotional abuse from our parents. I recognised a few yeara ago i could be abusive and changed my behaviour. Dh is still emotionally abusive( and be lovely, kind, thoughtful, supportive too) but i can't take any more of the bad bits. i've told him this and have witten down the behaviours i find unacceptable along with a list of the positive things in our relationship. I'e made it clear i'll end things if these abusive behaviours continue and have said i'll support hm if he wants outside help and have also ordered a book about emotional abuse for us both to read.

The abusive behaviours he can display are; threatening stonewalling, intimidationg, dismissing, trivialising gaslighting, not taking responsibility for his behaviour.

The positive ones are thoughtful, considerate, responsible, loyal, kind.

We haven't discussed to list yet (he's done one for me too, but the only negative he could come up with were untidyiness and reminding him to do things when h'e busy). We've agreed to have time to think about the list first and discuss in a few days time. Hoe this isn't a waste of time....

counselling really helps. it was when she asked me the quesitons i needed to answer for myself that i understood. that i was able to make the decisions i needed to make.

a counsellor wil ask you to articlate what you want - now, in the future, and will use their training to help you see what will be the right decision for you. no one can make decision for you.

and above all she kept making the point that abusers do not abuse 24/7. they always do nice things too...

a normal healthy relationship - with respect for each other - well people wont be listing those negatives like that.

and he is leading you on with the book - it is becoming a huge thing, he is dangling it like a carrot... he may well book a restaurant at last minute too.

but it doesnt change the dynamics in your relationship does it?

the way this works is described in anecdotes in the lundy bacroft book.... the tensiojn is created as you wait for specific thing (restaurant to be booked, him to read the book, getting ready to go out somewhere important etc - "dont nag me" "if you stress me out we wont go at all!" then when you do get where you going it has a sour taste because of the lead up...

What you describe in your last paragraph makes perfect sense

Yes, think i'll arrange to se someone when i can drive again - hopefully in 3/4 weeks. Or i could call the counsellor dh and i have seen before (i've seen her alone too) as she dos phone apppts. however i first saw her 3 years ago and things are still like this....

then what does that last sentence say about the situation you are in ?

you are stuck

and that suits him very nicely, thank you

OLC...have you had any further thoughts about what your next step will be after tomorrow ?

and is it sinking in yet, that your recent attempts to "make" him do things are actually counterproductive

because, yes, he may comply (with bad grace)...but it doesn't change one damn thing, does it

until he accepts he is in danger of losing his family, and fights to keep it, nothing will change

I am sorry, I was saving the above comments for tomorrow when he lets you down again, or just does a few things to shut you up for a while...but I cannot do it

contact the counsellor (she will not be fazed that you are in exactly the same situation as 3 yrs ago), or get another one

Thanks AF, I'll give her a call later.

I actually did leave dh for a while, he did virtually nothing. I went back because i missed him...

OLC, go to counselling on your own. It will help raise your self-esteem. Your life is not a sacrifice to this man's convenience. I agree that you're in denial. I've been where you are now. I tried to reason my way out of the mess. But you can only be reasonable on behalf of yourself. You can't force another person to open their eyes and be reasonable. If they don't see it when it's first pointed out to them, then 35 lists down the line, they're not going to get it.

Counselling would do you the World of good. For now, don't think about leaving. Think about going to counselling. Focus on that as a next step. What could be bad about beginning to value yourself more??

ps, oh you left him once already?! and he's not afraid it will happen again. He's just learned that he can treat you any way he likes and you'll come back to him.

My x used to refer to my leaving him (the first time) as that tin pot parade. I'll tell you when I left him the 2nd time there was no going back. My eyes were open by then. Denial had been pierced.

onelastchance, please give yourself a chance

it seems the biggest mistake you made was to go back after the last time, with no sanctions in places, no changes made at all

you missed him ?

you like to be emotionally abused ? you missed it ?

oh my goodness love, what the hell has happened in your life that makes you think this is all you can expect, all that you deserve

call another counsellor and do it now

don't use the same one...she did you a dis-service last time if you are still using the same justifications and rationalisations for accepting abuse from this no-mark

start living your life..you only get one...it should not be lived to the tune of this one person

this one person is not special, 2-bit emotional abusers like him only thrive when you let them

when you finally break free, his brittle bravado will crumple like the emotional blancmange that he is

you are the strong one, not him

He said h didn't do anything when i left because he wanted me to come back if i wanted to , not because he'd persauded me.

he got home a while ago and has taken ds out on his bike

I missed the nice things about him - most of the time he can be nice. I went back and we wen to counselling together. we stopped when we seemed to have run out of things to talk about and things seems a bit better. ie no big rows for a while

Other men can be nice too

And other men don't necessarily have a nasty side, remember that

I didn't have best of childhoods. My father (now dead) worshipped me until i was 4 or 5 then seemed to turned against me as i developed more. he used to stop talking to me sometimes for weeks if i did something wrong. He and my mum used to row alot and he'd shout and bang doors.

If he was angry with me and i came into a room he's say to my mum things like "who is she?" I used to want ground to swallow me up.
He wouldn't let me have boyfriends. I used to see my bf from age 17 in secret til i left home at nearly 19. My mums knew about him but pretended i was seeing friends.
I left home while he was out one to to live with bf. We were together til i was 28.
Hardly say father during time after i left

onelast, I've been following this today, but had no time to post.

Your father's treatment of you sounds desperately sad and damaging. Perhaps you don't know how damaging, perhaps you thought you are OK now and what he did is in the past.

No doubt about it your father's treatment of you taught you to take all the responsibility...

Of course you are (more or less) OK now but please listen and read and REALLY absorb the wise words on here. Think about you and what you want, and what you need.

I hope you are Ok and your H can make the changes he needs to. But remember if he doesn't, it is because he doesn't GET IT. He will NEVER GET IT.

And you are sooooo lucky, you only have one small child to worry about, you have some money behind you, you have skills, you have a dawning realisation that you can change your life. Let your H be responsible for changing his own.

I know his beaviour was damaging but i do try to keep it in the past. I know it's made me who i am. It was discussed at bi at counselling.

H (as far as i know) still hasn't booked restaurant or done questionnaire in book - book still in the same lace as it was)

I wouldn't be surprised if he's been reading all this. he read my posts on here last year and i found out. he promised he wouldn't do it again...

I've been quite quiet with him the last few days, still speaking but just feeling sad. I wouldn't be surprised it that's his excuse for not booking restaurant - he didn't think i'd want to go as i was miserable..

you know what it reasonable, you also know the excuses he will come out with.

Don't be pressed into feeling you should believing his excuses, or even bother trying to explain to your H why he is wrong ... it's not worth it.

If he really, truly wanted to make it work, he would be doing EVERYTHING to make it work.

I've been where you are, I was trying to make a relationship work with an abusive ex - bought the book from Relate - gave him a copy - he NEVER read it. In the end he arranged for us to spend an evening together - he turned up late and hadn't changed out of the t-shirt and jeans he'd been wearing all day. He promised to go to counselling with me but he was always too busy.

He gave me a million excuses as to why he behaved the way he did - but at the end of the day he didn't love me enough to do whatever it took to make our relationship work.

Sorry - it sounds like you might be in a similar situation.

gosh, OLC

I think your relationship is over

I am very sorry x

why af - we've still got til tomorrow. maybe he will do what he agreed..

you know I have been with you on the "let's see what Thursday brings" so far...

but from everything you have typed, and especially in your last post, I think you are flogging a dead horse

that is only my opinion though

OLC - why hasn't he done it already? Why didn't he rush to pick up the phone to book the restaurant, why didn't he read the chapter in the book ages ago???

It doesn't seem to be his priority. And that's not good

You'll get to tomorrow, he won't have done it, you'll say something, and somehow it's all going to be your fault, or he was just thinking of you, or some such shit.

Actions, actions, actions. If he wanted to make it work he would be falling over himself to do the right things.

he hasn't done it yet, because dragging it ooooout just prolongs the agony for OLC, that is why

he will do whatever at the last minute, I predict

OLC will then have to be very grateful and will be told she is being unreasonable about the fact it took him so long, and caused her stress along the way

it is not possible to micro-manage someone's behaviour in this way...it has to come from them

because that way, madness lies

Onelast, how much difference will it really make if he does your 2 tasks?

You sound like a fairy-tale princess, who's been placed under a spell where she must marry whoever completes the 3 challenges. Could I remind you, those stories were written a long time ago when girls were bartered for land. Life isn't like that any more! You're free to CHOOSE freedom; to choose respect.

In a way, though, you are under a spell. Your mum & dad taught you that men bully women, and women put up with it ... Lessons like that run very deep, but the 'spell' CAN be broken.

After you break free, you'll be able to get some therapy and/or go on the Freedom Programme. This will help you learn more constructive lessons for the rest of your life, and to pass on to your DC. But first you must make the break.

Do you think he is reading this? What do you think he makes of it? Is he having a right old chuckle, or just sneering at all these stupid women (because all women are stupid)?

if he is reading this, he will be snorting in derision

Yep.

Job's a good'un.