Finally confronting his verbal abuse

[onelastchance]

Brief history: sh and i together 9 years, i ds (4). Very volatile relatioship. Both witnessed emotional abuse from our parents. I recognised a few yeara ago i could be abusive and changed my behaviour. Dh is still emotionally abusive( and be lovely, kind, thoughtful, supportive too) but i can't take any more of the bad bits. i've told him this and have witten down the behaviours i find unacceptable along with a list of the positive things in our relationship. I'e made it clear i'll end things if these abusive behaviours continue and have said i'll support hm if he wants outside help and have also ordered a book about emotional abuse for us both to read.

The abusive behaviours he can display are; threatening stonewalling, intimidationg, dismissing, trivialising gaslighting, not taking responsibility for his behaviour.

The positive ones are thoughtful, considerate, responsible, loyal, kind.

We haven't discussed to list yet (he's done one for me too, but the only negative he could come up with were untidyiness and reminding him to do things when h'e busy). We've agreed to have time to think about the list first and discuss in a few days time. Hoe this isn't a waste of time....

I don't want to make hime change. i'm just rying to tell him what is unacceptable to me. I changed, so it is possible to change.

I'm in no way trying to control him!

However still nothing re book & restaurant

I'm not saying he has to do x,y,z. We have a discussion and he agreed to do those things. Even said himself he wanted to read the book.

I'm not sure where you get theidea he benefits from this beahviour, dittany?

dittany...I get the feeling this is a necessary step for the OP

I agree it won't work

am really hoping OP is ready and able to take the next step, because if she backs down here, after such measurable outcomes not being met (if he doesn't meet them, that is), then she will virtually give him carte blanche to behave how he likes, with little regard for her feelings

Onelast..everything you say makes perfect sense.

But,

Af has hit the nail on the head.

you need to go through these "rituals" not sure if right word but ykwim. it is important to know that you have tried everything.

The reason I suggested (amongst others) you might need to leave is because yes, he has no motive to change and, when he books a restaurant table at the last possible minute he will be expecting great accolades of appreciation from you. And will blame you for being unappreciative, difficult, inflexible, mean, bitchy, everything..when you point out that he hasn't completed all he agreed to do.

s I said before, I suspect he will not "get it" until you move out for a few months....

...and for heaven's sake, if you haven't already

read the books that dittany linked to.

OP, I agree with dittany re. getting something out of keeping you anxious and on the back foot

I just really think that many, many selfish people just do not get the message whilst their lives remain much the same (to them, anyway) and one partner is doing all the trying

I repeat the above, I said it earlier in the thread. OP, he is still the one in control here.

Come Thursday, you are going to have to stop buying into his games and develop a new strategy of how to move forward with this

We will still be here on thursday

Thanks for all your comments

About 10 minutea ago he asked me where the book was, so i assume he is now reading it....

don't assume and play guessing games, OLC

well we'll see on thurs. I think it's unlikely he'd ask where it was and then not read it, but i could be wrong.

" i took the book didnt I? what more do you want! yes of course i read it - it is a load of b&&lllxxcks. i've done what you wanted. you said read the book. i read it. so you should be satisfied now..."

then what??

the agreement was we'd read some of it, answer questions it posed and then discuss on thurs. I don't believe he'll say it's a load of b**s, he might not agree with it all but i hoping he'll approach it with the right attitude. I want things to change and work

of course you do, you want things to change.

but it wont if he isnt interested. only he can decide or not....

my exP still goes on about how I can change and "see differently".

i do see differently - thank goodness - he is still stuck on thinking he can somehow control me..

anyway - roll on thursday and awaiting to see what happens - i do wish you luck...

ps i dont communicate with him - but it will be tagged on to an email about finance or dc arrangements .

Woke up feeling so down this morning. I'm finding i need to stay up later otherwise i can't sleep, and therefore feeling more and more tired. Broken ankle very sore today too as walked on it quite alot yesterday.

Just wich i didn't feel so miserable

Just seen the book by the side of his bed - he's not written anything (unless he's removed the paper) and still nothing on the calendar about the restaurant

he is making you miserable

I am sorry you feel this way

Thanks AF. I just don't understand. he can be so nice, been making mine and ds's lunch before going to work as i find it hard because of ankle, offering to make me breakfast, etc. So why not just read book and book restaurant soon after we talked about it whn he knows i'm anxious about it...

OLC, have a look here

Do you recognise any behaviour here ?

Thanks AF, i've had a look at the link. No his behaviour isn't really like that.

I agree wtih Anyfucker. I say leave him now. You won't get through to him. I suppose if I'd thought long and hard enough I could have made a list of my abusive x's good points. He made a good cup of tea. But that didn't cancel out the bad stuff. Nothing could have done that.

Stop trying to get through to him, if he's capable of verbally abusing you, and if he's canny enough to seem to be listening to you but really not actually changing or compromising you then he's just fobbing you off.

I went through this stage with my abusive x. I feel sad when I think of the optimism I still had at that stage. That if I could just express it in a really articulate way I would finally get through to him. I wrote hundreds of lists. But I wasn't inarticulate and he wasn't unintelligent. He just wasn't going to change.

You don't owe him a million chances. Being married is not necessarily better than being single. As ItsgraceAgain said, this isn't just a job 'being married to him' where you can suck up the bad, this is your life.

OLC, with respect, I think you are in some measure of denial

You say he is verbally abusive, repeatedly so

You have, on many occasions, tried to get through to him about how he makes you feel

You say he stonewalls you and minimises your feelings (just a couple of the abusive behaviours you have said he employs)

Now he is being nice, doing a couple of domestic chores etc, and I can tell you are already losing your resolve and feeling confused that you are exaggerating the situation

And yet, he won't comply (or makes a bloody great fuss about) with a couple of simple things you have asked him to do

denial...a very powerful force...and he is using it, with great effect, against you

I am very sorry but I think you need more help that a few words on a screen can provide

Arrange some counselling for yourself, to give you the strength to realise how well you are being played by him

Thanks VS & AF. yes i had thought of arranging some more counselling for myself.. but not realy sure what it'll tell me.