Finally confronting his verbal abuse

[onelastchance]

Brief history: sh and i together 9 years, i ds (4). Very volatile relatioship. Both witnessed emotional abuse from our parents. I recognised a few yeara ago i could be abusive and changed my behaviour. Dh is still emotionally abusive( and be lovely, kind, thoughtful, supportive too) but i can't take any more of the bad bits. i've told him this and have witten down the behaviours i find unacceptable along with a list of the positive things in our relationship. I'e made it clear i'll end things if these abusive behaviours continue and have said i'll support hm if he wants outside help and have also ordered a book about emotional abuse for us both to read.

The abusive behaviours he can display are; threatening stonewalling, intimidationg, dismissing, trivialising gaslighting, not taking responsibility for his behaviour.

The positive ones are thoughtful, considerate, responsible, loyal, kind.

We haven't discussed to list yet (he's done one for me too, but the only negative he could come up with were untidyiness and reminding him to do things when h'e busy). We've agreed to have time to think about the list first and discuss in a few days time. Hoe this isn't a waste of time....

OLC - I've been lurking in a supportive fashion. Are you in a restaurant? What's he said about it if you haven't gone?

had our talk - he didn't book the restaurant - no reason just didnt..

I didn't think he would

what next?

You will go mental trying to work out whether you should be pissed off or not, but fundamentally, if he cared, he would have booked the restaurant.

yes i know he would. it wasn't much to ask, its not as if calling a restaurant is difficult

sorry "i would" not "he would"

oh poor you, onelast

Keep posting, will you, please? There are some thoughts you need to think, and some feelings you need to feel. People here will hold you up while you do it.

thanks Grace x

I don't know what to think atm. I'm very disapponted, upset, angry...but confused as to what my next step should be

Thanks dittany - i plan to order both those books tomorrow

I'm worried now about the book i've go for us to read - worried it'll give him more justification for his behaviour.

ok , thanks for the advice

Good advice The Bancroft book's fantastically clear & sensible. I'm ashamed to say it now, but when I first read it (at the end of my marriage) I was particularly impressed that it's by a man - like he has no axe to grind, iyswim.

It'll be good to see what you make of things, after you've read them.

So, now he's let you down, is he likely to do a big romantic number to "make up for it"?

I also recommend the Patricia Evans book...

Can you see the pattern in your H's behaviour? (Probably you can as I know you're already some way down this road, so sorry if stupid questions)

Was he surprised that you didn't make any fuss about the lack of restaurant booking or book reading? I expect he was waiting for you to complain so that he could find a way to make it your fault.

Send you support.

No he won't do something romantic to make up for not doing it - don't think he sees a problem.

He didn't seem surprised about the lack of fuss about the restaurant - didn't seem anythign really.

I'm pretty sure when he reads the book, he'll say i's me abusing him. Some of the examples say that if you withdraw from partner - that's abuse. I withdraw from him when i'm upset with something he's done/not done. I'm sure that'll be used against me later.

On the positive side he did take my car for its mot this morning as i can't drive atm

It gets worse...This morning i told him very calmly that i was upset last night, he said "why"!!! I repeated it in disbelief, and he said i must mean about the restaurant. I said it was very upsetting because i'd told him how importnt it was to me, had reminded him at the weekend and he assured me he's do it and didn't need reminding.

I've also seen, as predicted his notes in the imply he thinks i'm more guilty of abuse than he is.

I've made an appt to talk to counsellor next week.

I got that book recently, along with the Lundy Bancroft (which is brilliant btw). I thought the implication that abusers only ever abuse because they were themselves abused in childhood was a bit, shall we say, sweeping... but the techniques in it were good. However, it clearly only works when both parties are prepared to take responsibility for their own actions. OP's H, by the mere fact that he is regarding himself as more abused than abusing, is not approaching this in a spirit that stands any chance of working. He should be looking at what he can do to put things right. Instead he would rather point the finger at his DW. It's all about her changing to accommodate him, again.

Hit him on the head with the book and get a more radical one

Thanks Annie. It's reassuring you though the techniques were good :) We're due to discuss the first chapter tonight so we'll see how it goes....

Would you believe it - he's just called to say he's booked the restaurant. I wasn't very enthusiastic i'm afraid. I just said "oh". No doubt that'll be another mark against me now

I know :(. I order the Lundy Bancroft and Patricia Evans books today

talked to a friend about things this afternoon and she said she'd noticed when she's seen h,how much happier and talkative h seemed since i've had broken ankle. It occurred to her that he likes being in control of me and what i can do.....