Finally confronting his verbal abuse

[onelastchance]

Brief history: sh and i together 9 years, i ds (4). Very volatile relatioship. Both witnessed emotional abuse from our parents. I recognised a few yeara ago i could be abusive and changed my behaviour. Dh is still emotionally abusive( and be lovely, kind, thoughtful, supportive too) but i can't take any more of the bad bits. i've told him this and have witten down the behaviours i find unacceptable along with a list of the positive things in our relationship. I'e made it clear i'll end things if these abusive behaviours continue and have said i'll support hm if he wants outside help and have also ordered a book about emotional abuse for us both to read.

The abusive behaviours he can display are; threatening stonewalling, intimidationg, dismissing, trivialising gaslighting, not taking responsibility for his behaviour.

The positive ones are thoughtful, considerate, responsible, loyal, kind.

We haven't discussed to list yet (he's done one for me too, but the only negative he could come up with were untidyiness and reminding him to do things when h'e busy). We've agreed to have time to think about the list first and discuss in a few days time. Hoe this isn't a waste of time....

I given the counsellor we used to see a call too, left message for her ot call back.

A book i ordered about abusive relationships, from reading it, looks like i'm a bit guilty of some abusive behaviour too

H is putting ds to bed atm, am dreading the rest of the evening

Good luck!

Thanks Grace We've hardly spoken this eve, only when necessary. he's out doing th shopping atm. I just don't know what to do.. Is it worth continiuing to try or should we just admit defeat. If we could get on well,my life would be pretty much perfect for me - beautiful ds, love being sahm (do my won little businesses but mainly sahm), no money worries at all....God this is hard

I know ... This might not help you any, onelast, but there is a school of thought that says you can look on Being Married as your job (it was a common pov in the 50s & 60s). So, therefore, it's not necessary to love your spouse as long as the deal is a clear one, and you are both satisfied with it.

There are two problems with that, as far as I can see. One is the obvious issue relating to a 'loveless' marriage: you're resigned to missing a huge factor in your life (and DCs might be adversely affected by that.)

The other is that you're not just trading your effort, you're trading your life - which makes you vulnerable to mistreatment. Being bullied at work can be enough to cause mental & physical breakdown. To be bullied/under-appreciated ALL the time is extremely undermining, and invariably results in an erosion of the personality or worse.

This could the beggining of an immensely long discussion around gender roles, social expectations & all that ... I'm up for it if you are, but really I'm just trying to throw a few more thoughts into the mix. I know how dispiriting it is when the same questions keep whizzing round your head, in the same circle, for days on end!

You could try using your thread to post a few more thoughts and/or examples; see whether other people come up with any replies that might give you a flash of inspiration ...

Well.... we had our chat last night. It went very well He had acknowleged the bad points on the list. Has agreed to read the book ( i will too) and he wants us to talk about how things are going once a week. Things are looking up atm

Thanks for all your helpful responses x

Glad you're feeling better! Congrats on making your point - good luck

Thanks for getting back to us, onelast.

So good to hear it went well.

well it's now tuesday and he doesn't any of the things he agreed to do by thursday yet - ie. reading a chapter of a book i bought about verbal abuse, booking a restaurant for us for whends is at his grandparents. I reminded him a couple of times over the weekend nad he got a bit stroppy and said he's remember. I'm determined not to remind again....and we'll see if he doesn waht he agreed....

oh dear...

"oh dear" at i should be more patient and wait til thurs to give him a chance, or "oh dear "at him not having done what he said yet?!

I would say "oh dear" that it doesn't seem to be boding well so far

Like you said though, I don't think you should push him as he has to do what he promised without your pressure

good luck x

yes i know - not much point if he feels "made2 to do it and also gives me no confidence that he's trying. I even said to him last week that him doing whay he agreed would help build my confidence in things. If he's said that to me, i'd have done what i agreed asap - i told him i'd done it so he didn't have to worry....

Anyway still 2 days to go...

Probably sounds silly but i'm already thinking about what to say/do if he doesn't do what he agreed by thursday....
He's just let me down so often can't help but be anxious

it doesn't sound silly

I think you should be planning what your next move is

I think he will let you down, and you need to be prepared for that x

onelast,

Please don't remind him.

Just step back, disengage, don't even THINK about what he is or isn't doing.

Go out, amuse yourself, meet a friend.

He is STILL controlling you...by making sure you know he hasn't got round to those things yet. So that he won't read the book, but he'll book a dinner out and convince you that you're being unreasonable to expect both...because he really didn't have time...and then you'll start to wonder if perhaps you are unreasonable....

Thanks AF and Mum. I'll just act normally this eve and restrain myself from mentioning anything. May have to come back on here to hear more wise words

any time, OLC, any time

Oh and AF is right, maybe you should make plans for what to do next.

I'm not saying he's not capable of recognising his abuse, or of changing or of your life improving, but I suspect at the moment...he still doesn't GET IT. After all, he's had a lifetime of receiving and giving abuse. He might say he understands its not normal, but he doesn't.

He still thinks he's entitled to threaten/stonewall/trivialise/intimidate..when the occasion calls for it!. Until he truly understands he will not be totally committed to taking responsibility...both for the abuse AND for getting help. This part IS NOT YOUR responsibility.

You might find that the only way for you to effectively get your message through to him will be to move out for a few months.

I was thinking that too, mumonthenet, but I costantly get accused of screaming "leave him" to all and sundry...

I just really think that many, many selfish people just do not get the message whilst their lives remain much the same (to them, anyway) and one partner is doing all the trying

anyways, OP's H still has time to get his ass in gear

I agree with AF too, about the plans for what to do next. Knowing what you need to do and where you stand financially if you do have to leave (even if only for a short while) will be useful.

He may have said he'll do x and y but words are meaningless without the action(s) to back them up. So far it seems to be all words, I just hope it doesn't turn out to be the case.

He's home now to look after ds - he's doing short hours atm as i have a broken ankle and ds get bored being stuck in all day. Definately a positive in his favour. Also means he should have time to read chapter of book and call restaurant later. I know if it gets to thurs and he hasn't done it, he'll accuse me of being so upset and threatening our relaionship "just because he hasn't read a book/called a restaurant"

I could leave for a while as have some money saved but i know if we do split up, that'll be very useful(i'm sahm, gave up work over 4 years ago) so probably best to stay put for now

so if he a) reads teh book
b) books the restaruant then everythihg is fine?

he is right in a way....

it goes deeper than agreeing or doing one or two things.

at least he is coming home ealryt o take care of DS - he gets points for that...

No of course it's not suddenly all fine but at least he'll have kept his word and demonstrated he's taking responsibily for his part in hopefully imprving things..He knows it's very important to me and has agreed to dot it

The book's still in the same place it was this morning...and as far as i know no restaurant booked.....