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Original poster

Struggling to accept DP sisters will not accept our dd

286 replies

MCDL · 24/07/2010 10:05

DD now 4.2, although after some time dd is now accepted by Grandmother and brothers, sisters continue to want to have nothing to do with her. They are close to DP children 18 and 23, who also continue to dis own her. Finding it difficult to accept this. Feel if they took the lead, dp's children would follow. Feel they using dp's children as an excuse to continue this ridiculous behaviour .... Any advice ....

OP posts:
sixesandsevens · 27/07/2010 19:31

I find it strange that you are moralising about how you think people should behave ....?

Don't you think it's strange that you are saying what these people should do because it's affecting your child, when I'm presuming the same morals and concern for children didn't enter into it when you shagged someone else's husband, and left their children to deal with the aftermath|

What twisted and irrational world do you live in?

dittany · 27/07/2010 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MCDL · 27/07/2010 19:43

Dp ex drinking escalated soon after they married and had their first child. It continued and continues ....

OP posts:
Aitch · 27/07/2010 19:44

sorry, you didn't answer my question again. it's almost like you're ignoring it on purpose.

i asked if you think that your dd should just suck it up that he left you, and would you encourage her to put her new sibs before her own feelings.

sixesandsevens · 27/07/2010 19:46

that's not the point MCDL. You did not take into account the damage you would cause the children in the family when you shagged their father and then ran off with him.

Why on earth do you think that you are in a position to moralise about how people should treat your child?

Whilst their behaviour may or may not be right or wrong, it's the height of hypocrisy that you are criticising them for it.

Aitch · 27/07/2010 19:47

what do you think of your brother's ex?

Aitch · 27/07/2010 19:49

oh sorry, i see that was hypothetical.

if my brother shagged some other woman and left an unhappy marriage to be with her, abandoning his children to an alcoholic wife (the one he couldn't stand to be with) and was furthermore dishonest with his children about the OW in the beginning, i swear to god i wouldn't be able to look him in the eye again. it is really despicable behaviour.

Original poster
MCDL · 27/07/2010 19:53

She is an alcholic, and as all fully blown alcoholics are she is very sick both mentally and now phycially but her as a person she was kind, loving and warm. She loved her husband and her children very much but alcohol destroyed her and her alcoholism destroyed him. It destroyed their relationship, it has destroyed her relationship with her children.

OP posts:
traceybath · 27/07/2010 20:01

MCDL - I think the truth of it as others have said is that your DD probably means very little to her half-sisters.

My father left when I was 4 and re-married - only found out after the wedding. He then went on to have 2 more children.

I saw them very occasionally but wouldn't recognise them or him in the street now - in no way do I consider them to be siblings.

And thats without all the affair stuff.

You know you behaved badly and you can dress it up however you want but in life the fall-out from such behaviour can go on for decades.

You need to let your DP carry on having a relationship with his older daughters and you just need to stay out of it.

Perhaps if you back-off a bit his family may want to have contact with your daughter.

The better the relationship between your DP and his other children the more likely that in time they may come to accept you albeit grudgingly.

Has your DP apologised to his dc's for leaving them with an alcoholic mother to live with you and a new baby - I just don't get the feeling that you do really realise the hurt you have both caused.

Original poster
MCDL · 27/07/2010 20:01

Mis read your question aitch, thought you meant dp ex...

OP posts:
Gonesouth · 27/07/2010 20:04

Much as it feels OK to judge your DH's ex, none of us are in a position to judge what goes on in anyone else's life, nor to class someone a 'full blown alcoholic'. I didn't know there were degrees of this illness?

Your words for your DH's ex are patronising and it is this lack of empathy which makes me think that his family have the measure of you and may be why you are feeling such a chill wind coming from them.

Quit while you are ahead, your DH has already left one wife whose very being he could not love enough. Get on with your own life. You won't get validation here for what has happened, neither will it come from his relatives.

You sound as though you need to prove a point and as it is only to yourself; you should consider that you have crossed the finishing line. You have your man, you have his child. You don't automatically get the 'happy family' dream ticket with it. Sadly, that's life!

mankyscotslass · 27/07/2010 20:05

And no, I would not be able to look my brother in they eye if he had done what your partner did.

Original poster
MCDL · 27/07/2010 20:07

We are all involved in ex's drinking it is not judgemental it is a fact. It is talked about openly together with her family, dp's family, and dp ..... It is a problem we are all affected by ....

OP posts:
Original poster
MCDL · 27/07/2010 20:09

Would the posters that replied buy his child presents. Dont think so, yee would have more respect for the child than that ...

OP posts:
traceybath · 27/07/2010 20:12

I don't get your issue with the presents.

Most 4 year olds love presents and don't particularly care who they come from.

As aitch said - it sounds like that aunt was trying to perhaps build a bridge or start a tentative relationship. But you've stopped that now.

MCDL - you have to take responsibility for what you've done. It may in your eyes be a great love affair but thats not how others will see it. You both behaved dishonourably and that has repurcussions.

Gonesouth · 27/07/2010 20:16

It may be a fact, but it is indefensible to use it in the way you do. Of course these circumstances will be discussed within the family and it will affect everyone, but sadly the word 'alcoholic' tends to pass most of the blame on to the person themselves rather than those around them.

Its a bit of a 'get out of jail free card'

An affair at the end of the day is an affair. The alcohol is a side issue.

Aitch · 27/07/2010 20:19

HOW is it disrespectful to a FOUR YEAR OLD to buy them a present?

Original poster
MCDL · 27/07/2010 20:48

I feel it is disprespect for any adult to dis own any child, no matter what the reasons expecially if they are related. But an adult has a right to make that choice and as this thread has so rightly said we are not in a position to change it or do anything about it. But if you want to make a stand to dis own, well then do that. Whenever this stand changes come say hi to the child, bring the gift.

OP posts:
werewolf · 27/07/2010 20:50

Oh dear. You're just not getting the hurt you caused.

Original poster
MCDL · 27/07/2010 20:51

Yes I am .... you have no idea ....

OP posts:
Aitch · 27/07/2010 20:56

what utter self-serving bullshit. honestly, you are a case and a half. truth is, you don't really want a relationship with these people, you just want you, dh and dd. well, tough tits.

Original poster
MCDL · 27/07/2010 21:00

I certainly dont want a relationship with dp family, but my dp wants a relationship with his family and his children, he wants our dd to be part of it also ...

OP posts:
Aitch · 27/07/2010 21:01

bingo! hence your sabotaging of the presents thing...

mankyscotslass · 27/07/2010 21:03

yup, I agree Aitch.

Therein lies the answer.

Original poster
MCDL · 27/07/2010 21:05

I never once in this thread or any thread gave any indication that I had any interest in having any relationships with any member of DP family ... The present thing was discussed between DP and his sister, I had nothing to do with it. He felt it appropriate to say that if she wanted to buy a gift she should visit with it herself. She said she would.. The ball now in her court ...

OP posts:
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