Struggling to accept DP sisters will not accept our dd

[MCDL]

DD now 4.2, although after some time dd is now accepted by Grandmother and brothers, sisters continue to want to have nothing to do with her. They are close to DP children 18 and 23, who also continue to dis own her. Finding it difficult to accept this. Feel if they took the lead, dp's children would follow. Feel they using dp's children as an excuse to continue this ridiculous behaviour .... Any advice ....

Yes I am fine ... Thank u for asking ...

I've been thinking this must really be wearing you down and yet there is so much that is good, it is a shame to let it encroach on your home life too much. You said you've moved to a nice house outside town a bit, your dd is going to a school away from the aunt/cousin, you have enough money it seems and if you are also from that town, your own family is probably around so dd is not growing up totally isolated.

You also mentioned that dp's children are only now starting to have something to do with him (IIRC?) so there is a kind of thawing going on. I think I am trying to say hang on to the good things and concentrate on keeping your own home happy and secure for dd to grow up in and maybe it would be the wise thing to do to not engage yourself too much. Jsut listen to dh, show support but maybe internally disengage yourself from it a bit. Is that possible at all?

When I eternally disengage and stop encouraging relationships, with dp mother, his brothers, sisters and children dp isolates himself from his family and his dc. He needs the encouragement and organising to come from me. So without effort from dp children and family if I stop the effort their relationships will only grow even more distant.

DD is not growing up isolated, I have my family living close by who love her and dp. We have a close network of friends new and old.

so you feel iti s you doing all the running with his family and if you did not, he would not call them, drop round, at all or they also wouldn't try and keep in touch iwth him? You reckon it would all just fizzle out and be left to chance encounters on the street round town that kind of thing?

Would dp be miserable about that seeing as how he isn't really active in maintaining those relationships anyway?

From what you say then, it is not up to you to forge a relationship and maintain one with your DP and his family. He needs to do that.

And if he has to be pushed to do it it will be patently obvious to his children anyway. Which makes the whole thing worse.

You cannot force a relationship.

It is not pushed just encouraged but for the next few weeks I will stop the encouragement. Bow out and concentrate on our own lives. This to me seems selfish but there is little I can do and left with the choice dp will plan and organise with us.

Yes ZZ exactly, dp would not be miserable in the short term as he constantly gets put down by family for his past failings etc but in the long term he would.

TBH, he needs to work on his relationship with his kids, you can't work on it for him.

They probably already know he won't do anything with or for them unless you push it. Imagine what sort of opinion that must give them of him, and his relationship and feelings for them. Poor kids

You are doing the right thing by staying out of it now, and letting him get on with it.

He needs to prove he is a better father than they have experience of.

And you need to accept that this is the life you and your family have, for now.

could there be some kind of regular set-up for your dh so that the planning/organising goes out of it that would also not impinge too much on your own life? For instance if his children are away in the week, can he see them regularly Saturday, go out for lunch somewhere with them and then round to his mum's house afterwards? Maybe you could be visiting some of your family at the same time.

Then you have Saturday morning/evening and all Sunday with him at home with dd. Maybe he could visit his mum say Tuesday evenings too or something like that. If he doesn't have to think about it, he should be able to keep things ticking over - just a bit of routine.

I don't think you are wrong to want things somehow resolved but you're the only one trying to get there, I can't really see it happening, it'll just frustrate you and wear you out.

Have no exp of this kind of set-up but if you held out the olive branch, if you have made it clear they are all welcome anytime and they don't want to know, best just try and quietly withdraw from it all for a bit

We have a good quality of life despite the mess that surrounds it. We love each other and have a beautiful daughter.

yes I am sure you do. Preserve what you have and you have to be a bit careful perahps that your own relationship/home life is not going to get too wound up and tense with it all.

Keep the door wide open. It is important the children (even when they are grown up) feel unconditionally loved by their father. He needs to know that and strive to live up to it, we all struggle at times but as a parent you have a duty to try and make your dc feel secure, doesn't sound like their childhood was like that

just I think in your shoes I would try hard to always be generous and forgiving when the chance comes, certainly towards his children, just go the extra mile but don't stretch yourself so far with worrying about it all that you start to crack IYSWIM. I would try to err on the side of kindness always then I think you can't go far wrong.

I knew this would be your thread.

You still haven't gotten it, have you?

No matter how bad the marriage was, he was still with her and you are the OW.

That is how they see it. Your daughter is a product of that, undeserving, yes, but still.

You refuse to accept responsibility for hte breakdown of the marriage, over and over and over.

The ex is alcholic, horrible, crap mum, etc.

Yes, yes, yes. But he was married to her.

As every post of yours on here makes it obvious you don't acknowledge responsibility for the hurt and pain your actions, and your partner's, caused, it goes to follow this is apparent to others in your real life.

Hence, their unacceptance of your relationship with him and your child.

There isn't anything you can do to force people to behave or feel as you feel they should.

So, as stated ad nauseum, you just need to move on from it.

It upsets you. Yes, you upset them very very much, but it continues to be all about you, him and her.

So best of luck moving on from this.

IMO, it sounds like it would be best if you lot moved away from them, tbh.

THey see you having the happy life they did not. Can you imagine their pain? Feel the heartache that you and he caused them?

As has been said before, you sound a bit "get over it already". The pain you caused does not go away that easily.

If you are upset now by their lack of interest in your dd, I can tell you now it is only a fraction of what they feel over the hurt they were caused by their fathers lack of interest in them, and your relationship with him. Why the hell would they now want to play happy families because you have decided they should?

Enjoy your own family, and leave the door open for them if they ever want a realtionship. There is nothing else you can do.

Thank u ZZ ....

well good luck with bringing some healing into the whole business. Not an easy thing and with divorce looming and the wife unhappy about it, it could get a lot messier before it gets better. Just got to hold it together somehow I think.

If you do ever manage the full scale reconciliation you'd like, can you please come on MN and tell us because it would be great to hear how you managed it!

I doubt that your partners children would follow if others "took the lead".

Why can´t you just be happy with what you have instead of wanting even more?

Leave your partner to sort his own relationships out.

He shouldn´t need "encouragement" if it´s something he wants to do imo.

They are entitled to their feelings. They are not interested in the child, she doesn't mean anything to them. It is time to face reality.
Just carry on with your life and stop having any expectations.

It's possible, too, that they've come to the conclusion that if their father was going to get off his backside and do something about their relationship, he'd have done by now of his own accord, not because his mistress goaded him into it. All that might spell it to them is that he's doing it to keep the other woman happy, so they'll have none of it.

I have a few adult friends who had dads who weren't there, for whatever reason, and when they came to be adults, they didn't want anything to do with their biological dads.

Now these friends range in age from 28 to 44 and still haven't changed their minds about their fathers.

For them, a blighted childhood was just too much water under the bridge and they feel they needed to move on from such 'parents' in order to be happy in their lives.

If you look at the 'We Took You to Stately Home' threads you see a lot of this.

I'm sure he was just very misunderstood. Poor soul.

Seriously, OP, if I were you I'd leave town.

I think it'd be better for your daughter, too.

Imagine growing up in a wee town with such a stigma, albeit not her fault, over her.

It can't be good.

Start fresh elsewhere, preferably a relatively large town or city where no one knows you or about the past and just move on.

"growing up in a wee town with such a stigma over her"

What stigma? I have never in my life encountered a stigma over a child in a second marriage , in whatever circumstances

OP I have a friend who left his wife /unhappy marriage for another woman, who he subsequently married

. His two teenage children disowned him for over ten years.

Today they are all great friends, including the ex wife. it did take about ten years though

best of luck

'What stigma? I have never in my life encountered a stigma over a child in a second marriage , in whatever circumstances'

they're in a small place in Ireland where everyone knows their business and his family isn't speaking to him.

it's a place where you can't get a divorce without moving mountains.

if you'd read any of her previous threads, that's obvious.