Struggling to accept DP sisters will not accept our dd

[MCDL]

DD now 4.2, although after some time dd is now accepted by Grandmother and brothers, sisters continue to want to have nothing to do with her. They are close to DP children 18 and 23, who also continue to dis own her. Finding it difficult to accept this. Feel if they took the lead, dp's children would follow. Feel they using dp's children as an excuse to continue this ridiculous behaviour .... Any advice ....

The sisters probably felt that dh's first children didn't deserve all the hurt when you and your dh had affair and got together. So they helped them and were kind to them.

I can understand it, they feel protective now.

People feel very hurt. They cannot ignore how you formed your family at the expense of theirs. You can understand that, surely?

Well, none of my fathers family have anything to do with him now, even though he is on wife number 3 and has a child with her. My brother as far as I know has infrequent contact at best.

Some things are very dificult to forgive.

You should have accepted the aunts gift and hoped that it would lead to a relationship in the future. Refusing it makes it look like it all has to be on your terms, which really won't help their opinion of you at all.

You need to accept what you and your partner did was very painful for the family. You need to accept that they, rightly or wrongly, see your dd as an extension of the pain you caused.

You need to accept that their feelings do not run to your timetable.

You need to let it go and live with the consequences of your actions.

In time things may improve. But yu need to remember it can take a hell of a long time.

We have spent years making connections with the people we hurt .... We have succeeded with some but failed with others .. you cant spend your life beating yourself up. There comes a time when you have to stop and move on.

'but still felt it ok to buy a gift'? buying a gift is an act of kindness, not a privilege to be earned. she said she wants nothing to do with the child (this is out of loyalty to his other children, by your account) but the gift suggests a softer heart altogether. i think that you are a fool not to see that, tbh. unless you have spectrum-y issues? (sorry to be so personal but your approach to this is so upside-down).

Ok well then can you too accept what is happening here with your dd?

Yes I do accept, understand and take all on board. Dittany you do not know me or what type of person I am, I beat myself up every day, every week, every year of the hurt we both caused to dp children, but I do also a have child, a life and a future. I am a human being with dignity and integrity also ..

I do deserve to be happy, to be a happy mother, to have a happy family. I may deserve not to be forgiven by dp children and aunts and accept this fully, but I feel my dd does not deserve to be treated like she is .... She is beautifull fun loving special little thing.

Sadly it seems that your dd must reap what you have sown.

Yes Caoimhe indeed she does ....

someone else asked this but would you expect your dd to suck up the pain and have a relationship with any future half-sibs if he leaves you two?

If dp left me, set up home with somebody else and had more children, I would do what was best for dd, this would be to maintain a good relationship with her father. I certainly would not poisin her against her father.

I certainly would not expect the other woman to defend the integrity of her children for the rest of her life ...

i'm never entirely convinced by that, actually. some people are just shitbags and best avoided. however in this instance your dp's children do have a normal divorced teenage relationship with their father, just not their half-sister.

so i don't think you answered my question.

don't understand the last comment. 'defend the integrity'?

If dp had children would another women, I would do nothing to prevent her having relationships with her half sisters. I would in fact encourage it because if I didnt it would affect her relationship with her father. i would like to see her and half siblings friends, spending time together with their dad. My pain, what he did, who the other woman was, how the children came about would not come into it. The children would be put first ....

Its actually very rarely about what people 'deserve'. Deserving, or not, is a very self-serving concept. You have to gain respect first, then trust, and go through a whole load of other emotions before anything can begin to change.

I feel that you may be missing the point about your DD 'not deserving' to be treated like she is.

When you chose to have her, you took on responsibility for the circumstnaces into which she was born. She may only be a child, but to others, she is a daily representation of the pain of a broken marriage. No-one will wish your child any ill will, but I think that your preoccupation with how you perceive your DD to be treated may become more of a problem for her than any amount of 'ignoring' being done by other relatives.

To be blunt again.

My mother encouraged me to have a relationship with my father. She did not poison me against him, and actively encouraged both my brother and myself to have a relationship with him.

But I could see what kind of person he was by how he treated his family. I chose not to be invovled with him as a result of his choices.

Consequences.

Your child is ulitmately suffering because of your actions, not theirs.

You have to accept the situation as it is and move on from here.

Put it this way. In their eyes she has the life they should of had, the father they should of had. It must be so hard for them, I feel really sorry for them.

Abandoned by their father for another woman, especially when he knowingly left them with their alcoholic mother.

What an awful time they must have had.

Time may improve things, but you can't force it, or put a timescale on it, and you certainly can't make them want a relationship with your dd.

My dd hapiness for the moment depends on mine and dp. Does your childrens happiness dittany not depend on you ... ?

Thank u gonesouth for your very wise words.

"but I think that your preoccupation with how you perceive your DD to be treated may become more of a problem for her than any amount of 'ignoring' being done by other relatives"

Do you actually understand the word integrity? I ask because you have used it twice, once about yourself and once in relation to what a mother should do for her children.

integrity [ɪnˈtɛgrɪtɪ]
n

1. adherence to moral principles; honesty
2. the quality of being unimpaired; soundness
3. unity; wholeness

[from Latin integritās; see integer] Collins English Dictionary ? Complete and Unabridged © HarperCollins Publishers 1991, 1994, 1998, 2000, 2003

It is impossible for you to say how you would react to any other children your partner may have with a new partner. You might like to think you would act in a certain way, but I suspect that when you have been cheated upon and left to bring up your child alone, you might think differently. Equally, your DD might also believe, as your partners DDs appear to, that any new children are in effect, having their childhood, having the relationship with their father that they feel is their right. It doesn't matter whether that is reasonable or not. They are entitled to think it. As someone whose father left my mother and therefore us, for another woman and their new baby, let me tell you it bloody well hurts! Even now. 40 years later it still hurts. Don't you dare imply these women and their family are being unreasonable or unfair to you. They did not ask you to shag their father whilst he was still married to their mother. They dd=id not ask you to encourage him to leave them with an alcoholic mother whilst he pursued his happiness with you. And whether you like it or not, your DD is a constant reminder to them that their dad preferred to conceive another child with another woman than to be a father to them.

You clearly do not understand the meaning of the word integrity, because if you did, you would not have the gall to use it to describe yourself!

Do any of the posters here have bothers with children.

If you do, ask youselves would he and his child be disowned by you and your family and if he were would you buy the child presents.

I have a brother, if he left his wife whom he was very unhappy with and set up a home for himself and his children to be in with him. Would I dis own him and back up his children to dis own him. No I would not because I love him. If he had another child with this woman would I back up his children to dis own this child. No I would not. I would encourage, help, support him and his children. I would not add to the pain by standing behind them to dis own. I would make sure they knew I loved them but that I also loved his other child.