Struggling to accept DP sisters will not accept our dd

[MCDL]

DD now 4.2, although after some time dd is now accepted by Grandmother and brothers, sisters continue to want to have nothing to do with her. They are close to DP children 18 and 23, who also continue to dis own her. Finding it difficult to accept this. Feel if they took the lead, dp's children would follow. Feel they using dp's children as an excuse to continue this ridiculous behaviour .... Any advice ....

perhaps they see it as disloyal to the children, and have no desire to lead them to accept you? i can see their point, tbh.

It's very sad when an innocent child is scapegoated because of the circumstances surrounding their conception. But ultimately all you can do is make your DD's life as happy as possible, and surround her with supportive friends and family.

My father left my mother 37 years ago and went on to marry another woman and have 3 children with her (my half sister and brothers). Try as I might, I cannot think of these individuals as my sister and brothers. I never lived with them and the youngest of them was born when I was 21.

I think my father and stepmother are very sad that I am not more involved in their lives - but he did me a LOT of damage (divorcing parents don't like to acknowledge this) and though I don't feel exactly hostile or cold towards them all, I cannot summon up that much interest either. I am the child of a broken marriage and any emotional shortcomings I might have towards his second family are, simply, his fault.

^ VERY well put bibbity.

And I'm sorry MCDL, but the more you talk about your DP's children, the more I feel sorry for them. Your attitude towards them is rather cold and judgemental and you seem to feel little sympathy for the difficult situation THEY are dealing with. You state that you "have insisted they are a priority over dd". I wonder if that's how it works out in reality though? I suspect they might have a very different take on this.

As many others have stated here, issues surrounding parental divorce/step-parents/new siblings are incredibly difficult for children/young adults to deal with. The emotional hangover can last a lifetime.

As for the money/taxi service thing. That's just teenagers for you. And no doubt your DD will be just the same when she's that age.

Just goes to show, there is no such thing as family, only individuals and society.

I am a product of a second marriage and have three older half-siblings and two younger siblings and a sort-of step sister (the child of my half-sibs mothers subsequent relationship).

The break down of my dads first marriage was inevitably horrible and difficult for all involved - and the adults were not happy and the children suffered BUT all us siblings now have a good relationship and though my father died (18 years ago) we all treat each other as family and get on well (even my mum and my dads 1st wife!) I do not differentiate between half and full siblings I love them all and their children (dad has 15 grandchildren so far).

The children were never involved in the adult arguements and we saw each other regularly. We are spread around the country now but still try and get together when we can and joke about our parents being good parents and rubbish spouses!

It is possible not to be poisoned against half-siblings but your parents have to enable you to get to know each other without all the grown up bullshit which is not the responsibility of the children but so often becomes their reality.

It's very likely dh's sisters have stepped into the breech when your dp left his wife to be with you. Their loyalties to the children go way back and forming a relationship with the happy family unit that was the source of unhappiness is probably not high on their agenda. There might even be some pleasure in blanking you - not a worthy emotion, agreed. I also concur that as your dd becomes her own person and in the company of her dad or grandparents they may can't help but be charmed by her. But it is a case of biding your time and getting on and living your life.

Do they actually not want to have anything to do with your DD or is it a case that they want nothing to do with you (or your DP)?

Have you ever suggested that your DP take your DD to family events without you so that she gets to know her aunts and cousins (and other family).

It sounds like you and your DP have caused an enormous amount of pain to a number of people because of the circumstances surrounding the start of your relationship, you can't just expect everyone to write his ex wife / family out of the picture and embrace your new little family because it suits you.

DP has taken dd on some taxi runs with him. I care very much for his children as I do him. He has not taken dd on any family get togethers but this will start as she is accepted by his mother and brothers ....

Thank u for this Bigmouth

"It is possible not to be poisoned against half-siblings but your parents have to enable you to get to know each other without all the grown up bullshit which is not the responsibility of the children but so often becomes their reality."

Is is a little re assuring ..

There absolutely is such a thing as family. My situation is: parents divorced in 1976, me and my dbro. Dad remarries, has another daughter in 1981. Mum remarries someone with 3 kids already, my older step-sibs.

Had my dad met my step-mother before my mother left him? I don't know. He once said not, and I was so young when it happened it's basically not relevant. The point is, they are happy with their marriages, which endure to this day. Is my dad a good dad? Not very, but better than some. Is my mum a good mum? The best. And my step-dad also. We siblings have grown up together and the bonds of family transcend those of blood.

The child is not to blame. I don't know all the OP's circumstances but it may simply be too soon to expect family to have come around. OP, how is your DP making it possible for his sisters to have a relationship with dd that doesn't involve you?

Tribpot, dp is bending over backwards to make it possible for his sisters to have a relationship with dd.. I am not involved nor wish to be involved. I have no expectations to be accepted by them nor wish to, but the rock that I perish on is that I find it very difficult to watch dd disowned by her aunts. These girls I know and some friends of mine friends of theirs. He has asked on several occasions to visit and take dd with him, come to lunch with them etc. They are not interested...

One of his sisters bought dd a gift and left it in his mothers house to take to her. It was a lovely gesture but she was asked to take it to her herself. Meet them for lunch or whatever suited. This has not happened .

I think the more you push, the less likely it will ever happen tbh

Yes my thoughts also. But the difficulty is if this continues for many more years is that DP will distance himself from his other two children ...

I think if they are 18 and 23 they will be moving off anyway to live their own lives and they will thus in a fairly natural way distance themselves from him anyway IYSWIM

atm it sounds as if financially and so on they are quite dependent on their father but it is not a situation that is likely to continue all that much longer and then I could imagine they will see less of him (not necessarily because of you and your dd but because they are off working/having families of their own/travelling etc as people do)

They know where you are all of them and you signalled a willingness to have them interact with dd and they are not interested, so I would try and drop it. If they come, they come and if they don't want to, nothing much will make them do it.

so a sister bought a present for the baby but it was refused as she didn't hand deliver it?

No a sister did not buy a present for a baby, she bought a birthday present for her four year old niece, her brothers daughter. She has in the past bought presents of which were taken, given on her behalf and a thank you card sent. We felt it was time to stop this.

well you really are quite the princess in that case and i'm not surprised they can't stand you.

This had nothing to do with me. DP felt it wrong to continue taking gifts from his sister and giving them to dd. They were meaning nothing to her only leaving her asking for this aunt. Who is she, where does she live, is she coming to visit etc. She felt it right herself and agreed would make the effort.

Well you have to know what you're doing I suppose. Actions have consequences and your and dh's actions don't seem to have great ones, do they? I think probably after that they will not ever come round to you and your dd. I think you've blown it frankly

sorry crossed posts

It is not me they cant stand, it is not their brother they cant stand, it is not our daughter they cant stand, it is simply a loyalty they feel they owe to DP children.

can't you just respect that and leave them be (you and dh)?

it's got everything to do with you, surely? it's you they object to, and by extension your dd?

there is, to be quite truthful, no reason whatsoever to tell a four year old where a present comes from, it's just not a question a child thinks of tbh. you could have kept adding the sil's gift to the pile for years and she could have kept signing the thank you cards. instead you and your dp pushed the gifts away as not good enough.