Is it possible to have affair but stay happily married/attached? Pls be honest.

[MabelMay]

Hello All

I really need your honesty and experiences/opinions.
Without going into too much detail as I do wish to remain as anonymous as possible obviously, I have recently found myself falling for someone other than my DP. We have had our problems in the past, DP and I, but we have two lovely little kids together and I've never really been distracted by another man since being with him (8 years). Until now. Recently, after some months of feeling unbelievably attracted to this person, I've found out he feels exactly the same. I feel like I'm on the precipice of something. I have such strong feelings for this guy and have not felt this happy in years. I really want it to happen and yet I know you'll all think me stupid/selfish/naive/etc. But please tell me: Have any of you ever managed to have a brief fling/affair without it destroying your other relationship? Or know of anyone who has? Is it crazy to even think this can happen? I say brief because he is leaving the country for good at the end of the year... am I mad?

You are right in that om is free to say exactly what he likes. But you have power too. You can stop him.

You do not need om. You can and will find your way forward. You are a strong, intelligent woman and you are taking a huge step tomorrow. Focus on that. On making your life less complicated and less painful, starting now.

i hope so wordweaver - it's nice to know you're out 'there', somewhere.

I hate this.

I'll let you know how tomorrow goes. I don't know right now how much I'm going to say or not.

Right now I feel like I want to start all over. I feel like I'll only be strong on my own. Right now I just want to be alone. I don't want to be with anyone. I think this must be the wine talking.

I should probably stop posting until I am sober and rational again.

Thanks for listening. MMx

I just read your latest message. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the kind of person/woman who is better without a man than with one. I don't like the way I have become 'dependent' on DP. I feel like the only way to be happy in myself is to have to be alone (well, with DCs obviously).

I know I don't need the OM, you're right. But I miss him. I think he misunderstands everything I say/do. And i don't blame him.

But yes I will look forwards tomorrow morning. I can only think that things can't get much worse than they are now.

Thanks so much, wordweaver. xx

MabelMay I'm sorry to think of you sitting there sad and desperate. I tried the drowning it in alcohol thing, but it just made me fatally honest with DH and upset him when I spoke my true feelings about our marriage. I learned to stay sober if I didn't want to reveal how I felt.

Now I am out of the situation I can see how stuck and hopeless it was. I needed to tell him about MM to change our relationship for better or worse. I think you are reaching a similar point of "twist or bust". It is better to move forwards however slowly rather than standing still. (thanks ILMT for that gem! )

You will either tell DH about OM or you will make a mistake and he will discover your affair. That would be more damaging than making a clean breast of it in an effort to lay everything on the table.

Don't be too afraid of tomorrow. Whatever happens you will be moving forward!

Thanks whenallelsefails - you are right. I feel like I want to 'spill' when DP walks in the door but it's not fair on him and it's just offloading all the upset and frustration I am feeling over OM.

I hope I can be at least mainly honest tomorrow when we see the therapist.

It really means a lot to me to have you post on here. thank you.

Verse should have been verbose above!

Yep, I am here, although too far away to offer to pop round with wine, which I would gladly do!

I think it may be useful to you to write down things like your thoughts above. Not necessarily here, but somewhere you can look at it when you're calmer.

You sound as if you feel that being alone will perhaps enable you to feel like yourself again.

These are thoughts it may be worth sharing tomorrow. Even if they are alcohol fuelled, they come from somewhere.

Whenallelsefails is very wise.

I was just thinking about what people on mn often say about rebuilding their relationships after an affair. Your comment about starting again reminded me of it - that it's a brand new relationship, not the old one cobbled back together. If you do stay and work at things with dp, perhaps it has to be with new boundaries, rules and basics.

thanks wordweaver

Sadly every grain of wisdom has been hard won the painful way.

That is why I am sitting on Mumsnet at midnight alone in a little cottage 500 yards from my lovely children and lovely house which I had to leave to get away from DH after 28 years.

But I would rather be here rebuilding ME from the bottom up as an honest emotionally warm loving person than the cheating liar and unkind person I had turned into. Still a work in progress but the power of Mumsnet is with us!

Morning Mabel, just wanted to say that I hope you had a good night's sleep and that today's appointment is positive and helpful.

Hi Mabel. Just wanted to say sorry for not being around much this week. The sick relative I mentioned a while back is taking up a lot of my time and emotional resources at the moment.

I'm glad WW and my good friend Ifallelsefails have been around for you - they are both very wise women.

Good luck with your joint counselling session today - come back and let us know how you got on. xx

Hi ILMT and Ifallelsefails

ILMT, sorry to hear that things have been difficult for you this week. Hope you're taking care of yourself too.

Mabel, I hope today went well. x

Hello all of you.

I'm off out tonight (Wehay - I have a life) - so can't write much but wanted to let you know two things and will write in more detail when I can:

i. Counselling went really well today. She seemed very good - and asked the right questions I thought. DP came out saying "Okay - you won that round!" - which was his jokey, glib way of putting it but it's true that he found himself admitting more than he has to me in terms of acknowledging that a lot of his behaviour in the past has been very damaging and "unhelpful" (his word) - which, for just one session, already feels like progress. I kept crying but it was generally a positive experience.

ii. The OM replied. I'm not going to text back. I'm not going to text back. I'm not going to text back.

Thanks for your interest/support.

Oh good good good! Glad you are going out and glad the counselling went well.

Have fun tonight.

Fill us in on what happened when you can/when you feel like writing about it.

You are not going to text back!
You are not going to text back!
You are not going to text back!

x

Stay strong MM. You might remember posting on my threads sometime back which were running in parallel.

I've stayed away from MN for some time - it got too much. WWIFN was giving me some good advice and I felt like I was making progress but then a few more bombshells were thrown into the marriage. DH being fired, big financial lies and I crumbled. I'm ashamed to say, I turned to OM and hit the self destruct button in a big way - I had sex with him.

Even after that I was massively conflicted about things - I fully expected to be repulsed and disgusted. In fact it increased the feelings. Worse still I was betraying DH and OM had at that point been living in a separate house for a number of months and divorce papers were being processed. It was a step I never thought I would take. I never ever imagined I would be 'that' person. I am full of self hatred for that night. I fucked up any chance of saving my marriage and I also think any chance of a future with OM. The shame is no basis for moving forward.

So, please MM. Don't text him. I do know how painful it is and I really understand the addiction but you don't have long to hold on until he is in a different country and out of reach. You've been so strong this far, don't give in now.

Continue with the counselling. I didn't believe in it at all but am now seeing somebody on my own once a week and she is helping me to untangle some of it. She has helped me to understand where DH is at. I don't know if I want to save my marriage (at a disastroue Relate session I couldn't honestly answer the question of whether I was there to save things) but I feel more warm towards DH, as though I want to help him, recognise that his actions in the past haven't been about deliberateley hurting me or forcing me into a corner. That his outbursts and threats of violence are an expression of pain not a malicious attempt to hurt or control me.

Keep talking. Keep coming on here. You have the chance to avoid absolute carnage. It is too late for some of the women posting on here but if you get through the next couple of months, you'll be in a good position to get over this.

Howdy

Thank you for the update. I was wondering how you were. Why do you say that you ruined all future with OM? Are you still in contact?

Howdi - of course I remember you. You had the thread about breaking contact with the OM that became a mini-support group for a while, of course. I posted on there quite a lot after OM got back in touch. I have often wondered how you've been getting on.

But Howdi please don't hate yourself for having sex with the OM. From what I remember you and he had extremely strong feelings for each other, and your marriage was really in a bad way. I'm not saying it was the 'right' thing to do of course, but it's not as if you just jumped into bed with him at the first opportunity with no thought of the consequences or your DH. Please don't beat yourself up about it.

Like sophiebbb, I'm curious as to why you say this has now blown your chances of a future with the OM...? Why?

Thanks so much for coming on here and posting. I know you're right about the OM. I'm curious still as to why you say both your marriage and relationship with OM is ruined... Do you not want to be with OM now? Are you still trying to save your marriage?
Does your DH know that you had sex with him?

It sounds like you're really punishing yourself for this. You're obviously a really thoughtful, sensitive person so I hope you can be a little kinder on yourself. I'm glad you're having counselling and that you're making progress with that. I started individual counselling but found that most of what I was saying I wanted my DP to hear, so we've just started couples therapy.
But I still think about the OM every day, frequently.

WW - I will fill in more on my own progress later I hope. I am alone with DCs today so have to go off and be 'fun mum;.

Have a lovely sunday, all. MMx

I do have extremely strong feelings for OM but that was no excuse for that behaviour. DH doesn't know although I have nearly told him on a few occasions. My gut feeling is that I need to tell him but there is a part of me which thinks why hurt him even more. I'm hoping that through the counselling I will have a clearer way forward. If I reach the conclusion that the marriage can be saved I will tell him. If not and I plan to leave, I will let it be.

DH now has no income. I can't pay the mortgage and rent elsewhere for me. It feels like the marriage is over but on a practical/financial level it can't be. Sometimes things seem ok but if I think about it, those times centre around my DD. She is the one thing we agree on and take pleasure in together. Is that enough?

I'm still in touch with OM, much reduced but can't seem to stop. Every time I've tried (and I have again and again) I end up in a distracted state of panic and loss. He has done his best to help me move on. I've begged him to ignore me if I crack and contact him. That is the one thing he won't do.

I do hate myself for what has happened but just cannot get to a clear place in my mind. The night I spent with him was crazy. We didn't sleep - aside from the obvious, he talked to me and held me close for hours while I sobbed until it got light. In some ways it was cathartic. All the tension and pain of the previous months came rushing out. Yes I felt intense regret but I don't think I've felt so close to anybody ever or safe to let everything come to the surface.

OM says he doesn't care what does or doesn't happen now. He won't ask for anything and wants me to be happy. He understands about DD and why it is ultimately her that keeps me in the marriage. He accepts that.

But I do think that one night has ruined everything in terms of my marriage and the outside chance that me and OM ever had. Even if DH never knows, I will know. I killed things when I did what I did. All of the other problems aside - it was a hateful thing to do.

As for OM, how can anything good from something that started in such a wrong way?

I'm not sure I've made any progress at all in terms of OM. He is the first thing I think of when I wake up, my last thought at night.

Such a fucking mess.

First of all, in response to Howdi - you sound so full of self-loathing for what has happened. I'm sorry you're feeling so down about it.

I can't understand why you say having sex with OM was "hateful". That's such a strong term. Do you really see it that way? Even though you and he appear to be in love with each other?

I understand you seeing it as a mistake, a selfish act etc but "hateful"??

To me it seems that you are hanging on to your marriage, not out of love any more, but because you feel it's what you ought to do. Don't stay in the marriage just for the sake of your DD - I bet she'd rather have two happy parents living separately than two parents "together" but miserable...

Anyway, Howdi - I also really appreciate your warning.

It probably won't surprise most of you to learn that OM and I have exchanged a couple of messages the last few days. BUT BUT BUT... it's actually made me feel better than I have since our meeting in early October. Honestly.

I know it was wrong. I know. But I felt like we were finally getting somewhere honest with each other. The OM has essentially answered one of the issues that was upsetting me and preying on my mind more than anything - which was: how could I have been so wrong about how I believed he felt about me? About what I thought we were feeling for each other.
I wasn't wrong. I know some of you are probably rolling your eyes and thinking "yeah, right, Mabel". But honestly. He really is a decent guy - after all if he'd wanted no-strings sex he could have had it with me long ago if I'm being totally honest with myself. Anyway. I know it was wrong of me to have this back and forth with him but at the same time I feel like it has put my mind at ease in a weird way. Now I know that he has been hurting and agonising it means that I don't feel so stupid and so mad any more about what happened. I know now that he really did and does have strong feelings for me and, actually, I know it sounds weird, but it makes it easier for me to try and move forwards now. I have less questions in my head.

I'm sure you'll all see this as a step backwards for me - but I don't feel that way. Honestly. The pain has lessened somehow. God, it's still there because I miss him but I don't feel hurt by him anymore, because I realise my situation is just as hurtful to him. I don't think we'll meet again, other than to say goodbye. But you'll probably tell me that's a bad idea too. Is it? I can't imagine not saying goodbye to him.

I know I haven't mentioned anything here about my DP and the counselling. DP is away this week - I'll be going to the couples counselling on my own. I wonder whether I should mention OM to the counsellor - or would that be putting her in an awkward position given that I may not want to tell DP anything about it...? Yet. Not sure what the ethics are. Anyone?

I'm sorry I keep letting myself/you down. The truth is, I don't feel too bad about it this time. I feel like I just have a bit of control back over my emotions and can see a way forwards now. I hope.

I'm glad to hear you are feeling as if you have a little more control over your emotions.

Ultimately, you are the only one who can know for sure what is the best thing to do in any situation. Every poster on here can only speak from their own experience, and that is never going to be exactly the same as yours.

However, what does come across in your post is that your emotional energy is being spent on OM. You talk about your relationship with him with more subtlety and insight than your relationship with DP. The need to get somewhere honest with him, the things that were preying on your mind.

From the start of this thread, the big imbalance has been exactly this - where your investment of time, emotion and energy is going.

Whether or not OM is a decent guy only matters if your emotional connection with him is going to continue.

You have been agonising over OM and putting more time and energy into your connection with him. I'm not talking about this being right or wrong in an ethical sense. But the simple fact is that if you put this much effort into your relationship with OM, it strengthens your connection with him. And you get further from your DP in the process.

I think it is good that you don't feel so awful any more about what happened. But you say that it will make it easier for you to move forwards now. And I am sceptical. As I said above, this is because of MY experience, and we are different people. But there it is.

Of course the pain has lessened. You have been in touch with him. You have had reassurance and a declaration of care and affection. That's bound to ease the pain.

If you really believe that you can now move forward, great - go for it. But a few sentences further on you say "I don't think we'll meet again, other than to say goodbye." That isn't moving forward, Mabel It is holding on to the past.

How many times can you say goodbye? You have already said it. It has already been done. You were saying this close to the start of the thread - about needing to see him one last time and have a proper goodbye. You are going to step on to the same wheel again.

I don't want to sound hard or unfeeling. I can imagine the pull of emotions - the desperate need for the goodbye to be clean and clear and final, with no unanswered questions. But you are not going to miss him any the less, or hurt any the less. And other questions will come up - other thoughts and worries will need to be answered. If you choose to break contact with him, somewhere a line has to be drawn. No matter what happens.

If you cannot bear to let him go, then you need to finish your relationship with DP and be honest. But if you want to stick with DP, all of this has to stop. Seeing him again to say goodbye will be a dangerous indulgence.

I am saying all this because I hope that you can avoid getting yourself in any deeper to a situation that will hurt you.

You say that your DP is away this week and therefore missing the couples counselling. Does he realise how serious things are for you?

Perhaps call the counsellor and ask her about the wisdom of going along alone? She is the best person to speak to about the ethics of it. I do think you need to tell DP about your having had feelings for someone else. It doesn't sound as if he is aware of how desperate you feel.

wordweaver I don't have much time right now, but you're right. You're totally right.
I'm kidding myself aren't I? I have put far more energy, emotion and concern into OM than my DP recently. You're right about it all, really.

counsellor knows I'm coming alone. The point about the ethics is of whether I should be telling her something that I'm not planning on telling DP at the next session...
any thoughts on that?

I'll write more fully later.

I think that the ethics of it are her concern to be honest - that is her job. What YOU have to face is that she may tell you that you need to share this information with DP. She may insist on it if the sessions go ahead.

I really don't know whether or not this is likely, but that would be my take on it - this may be the way it all ends up coming out. So really you are asking yourself whether you want DP to know about it.

You asked the questions a few pages back about whether or not you truly want to make it work with DP. And perhaps that is the crux of it all. So many of your questions and concerns would be resolved if you could only answer that fundamental point - are you willing to try to save your relationship?

Anything that takes you away from answering that is a distraction technique. And you have needed a really major distraction technique to avoid the situation with DP.

From an outside POV, it looks as though the OM situation enables you to not have to think about the issue that really hurts - the thing that is really wrong.

Things seemed to be coming to a bit of a head before your first session. You were talking about how honest to be with DP about OM. Your attention was slowly turning around to be on your relationship with DP. And you were very upset and emotional.

And then through your own actions, all the focus went back to OM. And for a while, your posts and our responses have focused on him again.

I can't know what's going on in your head, but I am trying to hold up a mirror to you and say that this is how it looks from the outside.

It must be impossibly scary to face the fact that your relationship with DP may be coming to an end. I can only try to imagine how hard that must be when you have children and a life together.

But it seems as if you are making a pattern for yourself. When the situation is too painful to face, or perhaps too difficult to untangle by yourself (because he's not helping), you have something up your sleeve that is guaranteed to grab your attention away.

Whatever the psychology, whatever the truth and the whys and the wherefores, I think one thing is clear. You are going to do yourself terrible harm if you carry on without support. And I think that is why you have reached out to counselling.

So I do think you should tell the counsellor at your next session, yes. I think you should tell her and rely on her support and advice as you deal with the consequences.

x

I think you should tell her as well. As you know I am in favour of telling your DP so he knows what he is up against and can decide for himself whether he wants to fight for your relationship. At the moment he is unaware there is a battle raging!

I agree with WW that you are using thoughts of OM like a comfort blanket to draw round yourself when you are really miserable, but unfortunately sometimes this is just making you more miserable.

I have a feeling this is rumbling towards a resolution of some sort in your relationsip with DP

What is your gut instinct on this one?

Tell the counselor at your one-on-one. I was in EXACTLY your shoes at the beginning of the year. I never did tell DH about being emotionally tangled up with someone else. But when I had an opportunity to do so with my Relate counselor, I had to because it felt like it was such a massive elephant in the room.

She urged me to tell DH, but she also assured me anything I told her was in confidence, so get that assurance before you talk, then let it all out. Just don't do what I did and use OMs real name - just call him X, because a couple of times the counsellor slipped up and nearly called DH by OMs first name - and that would have been an absolute disaster in the making.

I wish you well with all this. I know how bloody hard it is. I'm glad you got some answers from OM. I never did - just a wall of silence - and as a result I have found it incredibly hard to move on and get over the hurt and feeling like I must have got it so wrong. I'm still putting way too much emotional energy into trying to fathom it and recover from it - and this is months later. So hopefully you DO have something positive to go forward with - because I'm with you that knowing he feels the same way could help give you a bit of peace and closure.

A big hug to you.