Is it possible to have affair but stay happily married/attached? Pls be honest.

[MabelMay]

Hello All

I really need your honesty and experiences/opinions.
Without going into too much detail as I do wish to remain as anonymous as possible obviously, I have recently found myself falling for someone other than my DP. We have had our problems in the past, DP and I, but we have two lovely little kids together and I've never really been distracted by another man since being with him (8 years). Until now. Recently, after some months of feeling unbelievably attracted to this person, I've found out he feels exactly the same. I feel like I'm on the precipice of something. I have such strong feelings for this guy and have not felt this happy in years. I really want it to happen and yet I know you'll all think me stupid/selfish/naive/etc. But please tell me: Have any of you ever managed to have a brief fling/affair without it destroying your other relationship? Or know of anyone who has? Is it crazy to even think this can happen? I say brief because he is leaving the country for good at the end of the year... am I mad?

Do NOT text him! You will regret it and you will feel sick the minute you send the text, because you will be out of control of the situation. Don't do it.

(more to follow)

That's fine Ritalynn. That's a slap. I am acting like a love-struck teenager. I am being self-centred. Of course. I'm acting pathetic and immature. That's why I need a slap. Thank you!

yes WW, you're right you're right.

: but he's waiting for me to text him...

I don't want him to feel blanked.

arrrrrgggggh

oh and ritalynn, regarding the hobbies tip - I'm afraid most of them just remind me of the OM.

I do need to keep busy though, you're absolutely right.
I'm off again. To part ways with the phone for about 20 minutes so that's good...

sorry for constant messaging and ramblings.

its a displacement activity to avoid text-mania

You need to delete his contact details, you do. You cannot go on kidding yourself that you can control this, because obviously, you can't.

How many alcoholics do you see being able to say "Oh I'll just have the one, won't do no harm"? Answer: None. Because they can't control it, and so have to have more and more, or none at all.

If you can't stop this, then you need to come clean to your DP. You have no right to be taking his choices away from him in the way that you are. If you can't be decisive, then let him have a go at it instead. Deal with the consequences, and then see if this OM still has the same appeal. My guesses will be that he won't when you're both faced with the reality of being together with no complications.

You are working yourself up into a bit of a state. Have your lunch and force yourself to do some work. Turn off your phone if you can.

Do not text him.

OK, looking though your messages:

It would be very silly to meet him for coffee when your emotions are in the driving seat, so to speak. You have had an emotional high over the weekend and you are allowing it and encouraging it to continue. Like onandup says, it's like a drug habit. Just because it is making you feel good today, doesn't mean it's good for you long-term. It could (and would) make you feel like hell tomorrow.

You are not in the midst of a kind of madness and I don't think it is helpful for you to start thinking that way. You are not mad. You are a sane woman with choices and options, and you are going to have to deal with the consequences of those. You are already dealing with some of the consequences.

What if you one day find yourself having to explain this whole period of time to your DP? How would you explain giving yourself permission to continue texting OM, once you had decided he was not good for your relationship with DP? How would you explain giving yourself permission to meet up with OM?

Only you can answer your question about whether you should try to rescue your relationship with DP.

I think it is very good that you have the session booked on Friday. My advice is this: use the session to make it crystal clear to DP that your relationship is in crisis.

Be as open and honest about your true feelings as you can. I'd suggest telling him that you have found yourself having feelings for another man, and how much this has alarmed you with regard to your relationship.

Right now, you are in a position where you can ask your DP to examine his behaviour and explain how much it has pushed you away. There is a chance that he will be willing to work on it, if you make it clear enough what is at stake. There is a balance - even if he knows that you have had feelings for someone else, you can also show him that you were more concerned with saving your relationship with DP. There will be work to do on both sides and - hopefully - willingness on both sides.

If anything more were to happen with OM - even just meeting up - I think you would completely change the balance. You would make it so that any honest discussion with DP would result in him feeling terribly hurt and you feeling terribly guilty. Would he be so willing to work on the behaviours that upset you? Would he find it easy or even possible to be more loving towards you?

I'm sorry, but I think that if you reconnect with OM now, you are closing the door on your DP and locking it.

You need to be able to answer your question. But there are two of you involved in this situation - you and DP. So I think you should be asking him the question too. Can you face telling him what you said above?

"If you and I didn't have young kids together, I would have left you 6 months ago. Given that we have children together, should we therefore do absolutely everything we can to rescue this relationship?"

You will notice that I changed the 'I' of your words to 'we', because I do believe it has to be both of you, working equally.

You have a counselling session booked because you are in need of help to make your relationship work. So be honest at the session. Ask for the help you need. Explain the full extent of your feelings and fears.

This is going to take enormous courage and strength, both of which I know you have. But please don't chip away at those qualities by continuing to contact the OM.

Here's what I think you should do this week:

1. Delete the weekend's texts from OM. Pretend it never happened. Don't text him to let him know that you are breaking off contact again. Just do it.

1. Whenever you start thinking about OM, grab a piece of paper and write down the things that you want to achieve from the counselling session with DP. Write down your thoughts about it. If OM comes up in the course of those thoughts, write about him as a symptom.

1. Go to the counselling session on Friday with a view to it helping you to decide whether you want to try to make things work with DP. You will be going there 'clean' in the sense that you won't have texted OM all week and you will have been focusing your energies and thoughts on DP. So use that time and space to lay it on the line. Be kind, but honest. Talk about how DP makes you feel and about the doubts and longings you have been experiencing.

That's my suggested three-point plan!

Mabel, the OM knows that you wanted to break off contact before to focus on saving your relationship with DP.

He does not need to be told that again. If you don't contact him, he has sense enough to understand why. He's an intelligent man, right?

As I said above, he has shown that he is not prepared to help you to save your relationship with DP.

Therefore, if he starts texting you asking why you didn't reply, it will be disingenuousness of the highest order. It will be out-and-out playing you to get a reaction.

He will know why you haven't texted back.

You don't need to explain - you already went through that once, no need to do it again.

Stop yourself from diverting your attention from where it needs to be. Your goal is this Friday's session. You need to go there having done as much thinking as you can about what is wrong, how it can be fixed and whether you want to try.

Anything and anyone that diverts you from that must be prevented from doing so. Otherwise what's the point in having the session at all?

And I agree with shewillbeloved - if you are not able to stop yourself from making contact with him, you will have to make it impossible by deleting his contact details AND changing your phone number.

That probably sounds drastic, but going with the drugs analogy for a minute, either you stop yourself through sheer willpower alone, or you get help to make it happen.

A friend of mine had a terrible time trying to get over an ex. Even meeting a new and lovely man didn't quite take away the attraction, and I think she knew that when she was feeling weak, she was liable to call him. So one day she threw all his contact details away. Made it impossible to reach him. And the mental space that gave her was what she needed in order to get over him.

Oh MabelMay - you sound so unhappy, you poor darling. Please don't be hard on yourself, I know exactly how you feel, it's like being out of control of all rational behaviour. How do I know this??? Because I did exactly the same as you yesterday, and have sunk to the depths of despair with myself for being such a weak-willed person...

I managed to go for one whole week with no contact (whoopy-doo!) but have been constantly thinking about OM and had so many unanswered questions etc I needed to ask him. So yesterday I sent him a text saying something like ring me only if you want to, if you don't I'll understand blah, blah, blah. My heart was palpitating after I'd sent it, I knew it was so wrong, but when he rang straight back it was like a massive rush of excitement again.

I have to cut this short now as I didn't realize it was school pick up time. I will try to post later, if possible. You are not a bad person Mabel, but I know how ashamed you are feeling of yourself, just like I do.
Do as WW says, it sounds like very good advice, and I will try to follow suit! xxx

Hi Mabel

I have been reading you thread and quietly following your progress. I made friends with ILMT a year or so ago when I was going through the same situation, and have had lots of help on MN under different names.

In short, I had a full on brief affair despite both MM and I having families, then MM came to his senses and stopped it. I couldnt bear to lose contact with him so carried on friendly emails for a year, with a couple of meetings and lapses that made us both feel increasingly awful about ourselves. He told me clearly he loves his DW and wants to make his marriage work and the affair was "just sex".

Eventually in desperation about my weakness I told DH everything and asked for his help to address our problems. I had tried for a year but without full information he had no idea what serious trouble our marriage was in.

He made me promise No Contact or our marriage was over. So when three months later I sent an innocuous birthday message to MM I was telling myself and DH that I wanted to end our 24 year relationship.

We attended counselling together for eight months and it took that long for me to see that I needed to leave and live on my own and sort myself out without any man in my life except my DS. Which is actually going well.

Is that was this means to you? Looking at your actions you are heading for the exit on your relationship, and this may be the right decision for you. But make it actively and aware of it not by default. Life as a single parent can be okay, there are plenty of happy survivors here on MN.

Courage! We are all here to support you.

Mabel - Instead of txting your OM, txt your DH and arrange something nice with him. Spend more time with DH. Give him a chance. Ring him up for a chat now. The more you keep busy with DH,the more you will enjoy his company and want to keep it. You need to put diversionary tactics in place this minute!!

thank you everyone for your straight talking and good advice and metaphorical slaps. i did not text the OM. I hope I won't.

He is really not a bad person - if I told you all the details of all of our history it might make you understand where he is coming from. But of course I'm not going to do that.

Right now I'm feeling strong - you're totally right i need to delete the old texts so I don't keep getting caught up in the feelings they gave me - because that just makes me want to text him/call him again.
I can't wait until he leaves the country in a way - then I can really let him go. Until then, this is going to be a struggle...
Thank you all.

I hope I don't let me down.

whenallelsefails just wanted to say very interesting to read your own experience and your perspective on it and mine.

I do sometimes think that I am half way towards ending things with DP and that this makes it easier for me to justify contact with OM. I also genuinely worry that if I "let the OM go" I will be losing something potentially wonderful. I shouldn't be so naive but it is a real belief I have.
Anyway, whenallelsefails I will certainly be back here if everything does fall apart with DP.

I hope I'll give us a good chance though and yes I know this needs to start with me not seeing OM again.

wordweaver i want to respond to so much of what you've said. I hope to have the time and thought to do so soon.

MabelMay thanks for your kind words.

All these wise people are advising you to leave OM alone and concentrate on your relationship with DP. Your task which is very hard is to decide whether you want to stay with him and try to improve the situation or to leave and make a life without him.

When you have worked that one out you will either be settled with DP (who knows maybe DH?) or you will be single.

If that time comes you will be free to talk to OM wherever he is in the world. No-one knows what the future holds and if you are meant to be with OM it will work out in the future.

So let him go, his time is not now.

Ommm!

Hi Mabel, hope you are OK and have had a good day?

I think whenallelsefails is spot on in her post above. His time is not now.

Only popped on briefly to see how you are doing. Going to be up all night working again, sadly. Bring on the coffee . . .

Hi wordweaver - hope you're not too tired after your late-night working.

Thanks for your concern. God, I feel so ridiculous - I'm on here posting advice to another MNetter about how to stop thinking about OM and advising her to walk away and yet here I am - a total hypocrite - unable to forget mine and unable to be strong enough to ignore the weekend's text/s.

I was totally weak - and texted him back last night. I rationalised it in my head by convincing myself that replying to him was the only way I was going to be able to move on and stop thinking about what he was thinking and wondering if I should or shouldn't contact him. I thought I was being in control. I thought I was showing amazing restraint. It was a rather ambivalent text which I was sure would prompt a response and he hasn't replied. So now I feel even worse. I am a fuck up. I watched 'The Kids Are All Right' last night and Julianne Moore lies there at one point (having fucked up) and says exactly that. And I thought, 'God that's me'. I can't make one good decision right now. But I probably would if I really wanted to. So yes, i CAN make good decisions. I'm just not doing it right now. Because I don't want to. Because some part of me wants to sabotage my relationship with my DP and feel the thrill of having the OM want me.

I will totally understand if nobody ever bothers giving me advice again.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself here at all. I'm angry and sad and guilty.

You were right WW, and whenallelsefails, now is not the OMs time but I just wanted to have the last word. Except it never ends does it, like you say?

There is no 'closure' - no final goodbye - just more questions...

I guess I have to fuck up first to learn everything you have been telling me.

Hi Mabel, good to hear from you. I was up till half four this morning - feeling somewhat spacey!

You're not ridiculous. I think the truth is that it's a hell of a lot easier to give wise and sane advice than it is to take it. And we'd all be paragons if we could learn from other people's mistakes. You're human. So you just have to pick yourself up, dust yourself down, etc.

BUT . . .

Listen to what you have said - now you know it's true from experience, refuse to allow it to happen again. Why would you want to make yourself feel like this ever again? Stop it in its tracks.

Learn from your own experience. And don't allow yourself to romanticise this. The whole feeling you're in a movie thing is something I went through with bells on, and it was completely false. I look back now and cringe at the sort of things I was saying to myself.

You're not a fuck up - you are a human being who has made some errors of judgement and is going to learn from that.

What time is the appointment tomorrow? DO you know what you are going to say? Do you feel prepared to be honest about how the relationship is making you feel?

Hi WW - thanks for posting.

The appointment is in the morning. I don't know what I'm going to say, not entirely.

I do know that DP's 6 monthly episodes are going to feature... I know that the way he has rationalised us not marrying in the past is going to feature... I know my feeling completely undervalued and unsatisfied is going to feature... so all of these are criticisms of DP I guess.

What I probably should tell the counsellor/DP too is that I have been thinking about another man and wanting to him with him. But I won't. Certainly not this time. Maybe I'll say I've felt attracted to someone else...? Or have found myself looking outside of the relationships more...?

I want to say that I've never felt loved enough by my DP - which is true. Until 6 months ago that was. Ironically enough DP started being really attentive the moment I started feeling more and more distant from him.

Do I say in my heart of hearts that I feel we're not really that well suited? Or is that a negative start if we're trying to fix us?

Thank you for making me think about my DP and look forwards rather than dwell on the OM. My phone just went and my heart skipped a beat. Not him. A friend.

What a plonker I am.

sorry didn't preview before posting:

"thinking about another man and wanting to be with him"

OK, so you have the start of a list of things that you want to talk through.

I have never been to something like this so I don't have a clue what they are likely to say. But I expect the counsellor will give both of you guidance towards saying the things that you feel unhappy about. So he will be saying things that will be hard for you to hear and vice versa.

I just feel that this is your BIG chance to get everything all out in the open. Like unpacking a really cluttered suitcase and laying the contents out in neat rows so everyone can see it and evaluate each thing on its own merits.

I really hope that you feel able to do that.

I think that the nature of the beast is that criticisms of DP are going to have to come out. It's not the time to play softly softly. It all has to be said openly before it can be addressed.

I think that the header of your list - the main statement of your feelings - has to be "I have never felt loved enough by my DP." This is the heart of your insecurities and doubts.

Then, when prompted to explain this, you can tell them the symptoms as you have listed them:

-DP's six-monthly episodes.

-The way he has rationalised not marrying.

-Your feeling undervalued and unsatisfied.

-And yes, that you have found yourself feeling attracted to another person. However you manage to say this, please please manage to say it somehow, because it is what is making this all so urgent.

You have organised an opportunity to be able to say these things in a neutral, less emotional environment. So seize it. There won't be a better chance to express these things honestly.

You know MabelMay. I finally learned!!! I got an email from OM today and guess what?!!! For the FIRST TIME EVER I have not replied and have no intention of replying. Because I know that IF I reply I will then spend the whole time worrying IF he is going to reply back to me. And if he doesn't reply back I will be even worse.

This way I actually feel in control. Maybe even HE is suffering a bit knowing that for the first time I have not replied to him and am not at his beck and call. And even though I still feel a bit nervous about the whole thing I feel in control of it.

It has taken me a while to get here though....!!!

First of all, wordweaver, thanks for laying it all out like that. It really DOES help. Right now I feel like I have to tell DP about the OM - if not everything, then some of it, because if not then it's all a bit of a lie, isn't it?

On another note thanks sophiebbb, it's so encouraging to see you do/can reach a point where you are more in control.

I've had a bit of wine so I'm not at my most rational but right now I feel so awful, so low. I don't want to be melodramatic but I went out with friends tonight thinking that it would make me forget OM - instead I just found I thought more and more of him the more I drank (so much for my 'advice' to other posters). I just feel so upset because from the moment we found out how we felt about each other our relationship has been a series of almost mind games - of everything suddenly taking on so much more meaning, so many more ways of being interpreted, so many more ways of fucking up, of upsetting each other, of egging each other on, that I just miss the naturalness and 'innocence' of our original friendship so much now. I'm feeling really really low now. I'm back at home and to stop me from sending an awful, drunk, needy message to OM I have come on here. I felt like the ball was in my court and now I've lost it - because it feels like the OM can express 'feelings' and 'guilt' and 'doubt' and 'want' and 'love' as much as he wants, but as soon as I reciprocate - he goes cold. And there I am, exposed and ridiculous. And I know my DP is going to come back tonight and see that I'm upset and I'm going to have to lie again and say it's because I'm feeling frustrated with work or PMT when all the while I'm sobbing over another man.

I think this has turned into a rant. It means so much to me that there are still some of you out there 'listening' to me, because I feel so lonely right now I don't know what else to do other than type here. I don't really understand how I got to this place.

Thank you so much for being a sympathetic ear when I keep making such silly mistakes.

You have had a few drinks and therefore can't rely on what you are feeling. It sounds just as likely that your sadness over the whole situation is coming out. Remember, tomorrow you ar taking positive action towards feeling better. X

Just in case you are tempted... Do not text om. Sit on hands if necessary! Am on phone so much less verse than usual.