Write The Archers One Line At A Time

[PseudoBadger]

Do it like the professionals do it

Toby: I heard that that Helen woman bludgeoned him half to death with a wheel of cheese?

Kirsty: FOTTFSOFAWYGTFOSM

Cut to Kirsty in Top Shop, encased in sequins. To random shopper:

Do you think I'm showing - how completely crazily besotted I am?

Pat: but he seemed so nice

Oliver: I agree Caroline. I think we've 'done' Italy. In fact I'm really looking forward to heading home. I'll give that airline a call, see what's available for next week. Good old Grange Farm. It'll be nice to get back.

Jess: sorry, I'm a bit preoccupied. The love of my life is probably leaving his wife, and I'm hoping to win him back again, once he's out of hospital.

Shula: I don't understand? Why's everyone talking about Dan's beard? Dan hasn't got a beard? It's not allowed in the army.

Alistair (!): Shula, what are you doing?

Shula: Wrapping up this amazing new electric shaver to send to Dan. He's going to love it!

Jess: Miles darling, I don't know how we're going to keep this quiet. You'll simply have to go to see him. I know you don't want to but he might die. If he doesn't, he's going to find out eventually that you're Ethan's father so let's sit down over a nice meal when he recovers and discuss it like adults. I'll do that tuna bake you love.

Elizabeth (on phone): Richard! Hello, I wonder if you could come over? I've just received the most extraordinary message from the twins - they're in Columbia. No not South America, it's a new coffee shop in Felpersham. They say they're leaving school and have both got jobs as baristas to earn some honest money and pay off a debt. I think they may need medical intervention.

Brian: Phoebe, Adam & I were just wondering about the impact of the EU referendum and hoped you could shed some light on it with you deep political insight.

Helen: Why won't you let me see Henwee? I mean, no comment.

Oh I say, you're all marvellous!

Ditto what Pseudo said.

Elizabeth: I'm glad you asked me that, Brian. But I'm so busy that I don't have time to answer the question - I have a stately home to run and children to raise. I don't think I've mentioned that before, have I?

Debbie (on phone): Hi dad, can't talk for long. I'm in LA. Yeah, never expected Kate would be so quick to pay back the 50 grand I lent her - I'm celebrating. Anyway, just a thought - yeah, I've heard and - wouldn't this be a good moment to put in a bid for Bridge Farm? I mean, they're gonna need the money aren't they? And Adam's been bending my ear about needing a room for some harebrained scheme he's dreamt up with Charlie ...

Brian: you know what, Elizabeth, what I think your business could do with is someone on the finance side to look after the numbers. I was speaking to Martyn Gibson up at the golf club. He's looking for a fresh challenge and he's a dab-hand with a spreadsheet.

Susan: Ooh....that's odd.....I'm afraid your card's been declined Mrs Woolley. Very peculiar.....I'd phone up the bank if I were you....you just never know these days.....there's all sorts of criminals out there waiting to steal your money.....identity theft I think it's called.....Neil was telling me only last night how one old pensioner had her entire life savings stolen by one of her relatives.....always offering to help out he was....a complete charmer apparently....such a shame. Never mind.....I'm sure yours will just be a mix up.....gosh, it's all so exciting isn't it? Me and Neil are having chill con carne tonight

Lynda: Well that's it, Robert. I've had just about enough. Ben and those Button girls have ruined the whole rehearsal tonight.....just won't stop banging on and interrupting everyone.....Brexit this, refugees that, Panama papers.....honestly, my grand garden re-opening will be a disaster!

Ruth: But Rob can't die! It's only been a few moonths since me mam - the SWs have to give me sufficient airtime to grieve properly. Look how long Bert's had to waffle on about Freda. And she didn't even have a distinctive regional accent!

Jim: Well hello there PC Burns.....oh apologies, I'm sorry Richard......eyesight's not what it was you know....was that young Charlie you were talking to just now?....no?....Tom Archer....of course......have to rely on my hearing a lot these days....what the the old eyeballs giving up the ghost.....still....vivimus ut alteri bello....as Rob Titchener would probably say.....cheerio then!

Johnny: Of course I'd be happy to babysit Henry while you visit Helen. And I'm sorry to bother you because I know this isn't a good time, but you were so helpful when it came to choosing my options at college. The shearing course is full so they won't let me do it, but there's still a vacancy in that course that Rob suggested, or another one in cheese making and retail management. Which one do you think might be more useful?

Usha: I know Ruth. It's so unfair. Maybe you need a little holiday which is extendable and far away. No one will mind or notice, and you haven't had anything to get sad and offended by in WEEKS!

Now I hope you don't mind but I need to pop home and read up on all forms of law so that I'm prepared for any eventuality. It's amazing how much work comes your way when you live in a small and relatively secluded rural village.

Pat (Whispering) Johnny ... I don't know what's going on - do Tom and your Grandad seem ... different? Everything's so - I'm getting confused - I DON'T KNOW WHO ANYONE IS ANY MORE. (Stabs a leek.)

Peggy (whiny): can't you do anything about Henry crying so much Pat? Surely he's too old for all of that nonsense? It's not as if he's a girl.