Write The Archers One Line At A Time

[PseudoBadger]

Do it like the professionals do it

Toby: I heard that that Helen woman bludgeoned him half to death with a wheel of cheese?

David - face creased in agony, attempts to make the sign of the Cross as he falls to the floor writhing in agony - Ruth! Never use that word. Promise me. I don't have long ... When I'm gone - promise me you'll never say his name! Or - it could be the end for all of you, the kids; the village; Mumsn ... He dies.

David: I'm not sure. I've been thinking that maybe it's time for us to change our milking system, sell off this herd and move to that new breed we saw at the NFU evening - you know the ones - really high value milk yields... - don't look at me like that - I'm talking about moving into GOATS!

David: Good idea Ruth! Although what about the Fairbrethren. They cod probably do with the extra cash now their eggmobil is hard boiled. Hang on! What was that strange noise coming from outside?

Rob: Mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha

David: Looked like Rob. There's something funny about him...

(Gruach - I did wonder if graves would open and the sky crack asunder with that name. But I thought David was too practical to let that bother him.)

Ruth: But Deevid. You said yourself that anything's better than hearing about Rob and Helen again. You told me only yesterday that you were pining for the good old days?

Ben:

Lynda: Coooo eeeeee. Only me. Anyone at home? Sorry to disturb.....

Jill: Hello, you two. Oh, David, you look a bit pale. Shall I make us all a cup of tea?

David: Well actually Ruth, Daryl is enjoying selling the Big Issue in Felpersham these days, but Charlie gave me a phone number for a nice chap called Stefan a few months ago. You probably never met him, as you were wringing your hands up north when we were wringing out the carpets down here.

Ruth: Don't remind me Daveeed. All on me own I was. Lookin after me mam. And you and Pip havin a high old time mekkin me feel like the third wheel......

(Don't worry - we'll just assume yours is the new 4d printed David newly minted from a machine in the barn.)

Roof: Lynda! Jill! Josh - get back in the cupboard! Everyone's here. Now is a great time for Deevid and I to make our BIG announcement...

Dum de dum de dum de dum, dum de dum de dum dum

David: Sorry, Lynda, as you can see we're really busy, can it wait until another time.

(I am loving the far more than I should)

CA: And tomorrow, Pat and Tony get a big surprise, and Peggy doesn't know who to trust.

Lynda: Such a relief...I can tell you.

Brine: just dropped by because I thought I should let you know Route B is back on again, straight through the middle of Brookfield.

Lynda: But David, I only popped up to Brookfield to see if you had any gluten dairy free dog treats I could give Scruff, as Susan hadn't any in stock when I popped into the shop yesterday

Ruaruaruari: Top of the mornin' to you all, begorrah, so it is. I've only lived in Ireland for about 10 minutes in my entire life yet the scripties won't let me lose my accent, the feckers.

Roof: Brine! That's such good timing! We've decided we've had enough of standing up for traditional farms methods and we're going to open a Truckers cafe and Travellodge in the old barn. It was Ben's idea - he did a project at school.

Lynda: Now I shall have to wrestle Jennifer for the Boadicea costume we found when we moved back into the village hall, Brine.

Farming methods. Sorry!

Justin: Gosh, Lillian, fancy joining in with Lynda and Jennifer? What do you think, Brine old chap?

Nigel: Helen's not the first murderous murderer in Ambridge, you know

David: [shove]

Nigel: AAAAAAAAAARRRRRrrrrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhh h h h... [SPLAT]