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Original poster

Mum's moving- Hoarder alert

162 replies

Scantilydoesit · 22/04/2021 19:59

My mum has a large 4 bed house in a smallish town in Somerset.
She's lived there about 15 years and stayed after my dad died.
Both of them were (mum is) awful hoarders.
Her house is rammed top to bottom with stuff.
She's75 and doesn't have good sight and I'm absolutely dreading having to help (it will be me as the others live a long way away).
Her house is also very dirty and dusty. She cooks all the time but never cleans and there are splashes of stuff over the kitchen that have been there forever. Crumbs are all over the floor every time I visit and I just find it incredibly depressing.
I try to clean when I go, only for it to return to it's previous state in about 2 hours after she's cooked again.
However, If I dare mention anything, she goes on the defensive. My sister has totally given up and hardly goes to see her because of this.

She will not throw anything away, nor will she have anyone in to help her.
I casually mentioned today that she might look at storage options while selling the house.
Her reply was that no way, she can't afford that and people want to see a homely home!
I suggested she maybe put away some books and ornaments but again that was a no and so I left it.
The decor is all very old fashioned with homemade heavy curtains everywhere, reds, greens, yellows ....and all sorts of odd bits of non matching furniture.

So, how do you think the house will sell?
Will people see past it?
I know it's awful but I'm hoping they don't and I can't bear the thought of it all.

My own house had awful colours too but I saw past it . However, it was clean with minimal furniture when we viewed. Personally, I could never buy up something like my mum's as I'd not know what wa hiding under the fridge. (there is no way she doesn't have mice and when I have to stay there I lie awake all night listening for them!!).

OP posts:
Original poster
Scantilydoesit · 22/04/2021 20:02

Just to add, last year my brother found a rat nest in her shed where she keeps a food freezer.

OP posts:
Ninkanink · 22/04/2021 20:05

No, people definitely will not see past it.

If she wants to sell it, she will need to agree to empty it completely and to pay for a cleaning service to come in and deep clean.

Flowers I know it’s hugely difficult for you.

Fairystory · 22/04/2021 20:08

It will probably sell if the price is right. I don't know the prices in your area but if a house in good condition would sell for £400k, one in this condition could sell for £300k or under probably to a developer.

Original poster
Scantilydoesit · 22/04/2021 20:08

Thanks for understanding Nink. I'm actually on my own (separated with 3 kids and working) and she doesn't drive. I've already been booked in to be taxi (50 mins to pick her up and then bacK) to see places which means me taking time off work etc but I really think she needs the EA to see her own place first. I am actually really anxious and stressed about the whole thing right now.

OP posts:
Aprilshowersandhail · 22/04/2021 20:11

Would she accept donating to a charity /refuge?
Really freecycle /tip it!

Aquamarine1029 · 22/04/2021 20:11

No, people will not see past a hoarded hell hole, but you already know this.

The single best hope of your mum actually dealing with this disaster is for you to refuse to help her. Do NOT help her move/pack/shift her hoard in any way. If you do, all you'll be doing is enabling her to continue to live in her delusion. If you continue to enable this madness it will never end.

Original poster
Scantilydoesit · 22/04/2021 20:11

That will be a shame Fairy but if she won't listen, there's not much anyone else can do. It could be a beautiful home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scantilydoesit · 22/04/2021 20:13

Aqua, my sister has been telling me that for years. But I know she'll get moody and start reeling off all the times she's helped me. I totally agree though which is why this is so stressful. She's quite manipulative as well which doesn't help.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 22/04/2021 20:17

Your sister is right, so am I, and I really, really hope you listen to one of us. Hoarders are always manipulative and abusive, they couldn't be successful hoarders if they weren't. Sorry, op, but it's time for tough love. If you really want what's best for your mother, you will not enable her.

If she gets moody, let her. And then ignore her. Stop allowing her tantrums to impact you.

Tambourinetunes · 22/04/2021 20:17

Your local fire service may be helpful. They do home safety checks and take hoarding very seriously. It may help to hear from an outsider how bad the situation is www.derbys-fire.gov.uk/community/health-and-wellbeing/mental-health/hoarding May be worth searching her local area fire service and hoarding to see what they offer.

mobear · 22/04/2021 20:17

Can she move in with you between selling and buying so you can clear it out and put it on the market without her living in it?

My grandmother was similar (her flat was clean but she was a hoarder), but she went into a nursing home which enabled us to clear out her flat.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/04/2021 20:19

Can she move in with you between selling and buying so you can clear it out and put it on the market without her living in it?

No no no this is the worst idea ever. Don't even think about moving your mother into your home. She'll hoard your house out, too, and you'll never get rid of her.

Changingwiththetimes · 22/04/2021 20:20

I'm surprised she can view any houses before hers is under offer. She needs to get an agent in. Do you think she will take advice from someone outside the family?
There are people who help hoarders, but the person does have to recognise they have a problem in the first place.

umbel · 22/04/2021 20:24

That sounds really stressful. I know there are professionals you can get in to help clear in these situations (my dream job, honestly). My biggest concern if I were you would’ve whether your mum would actually commit to moving, even if it did sell in the state it is in now. If she is so emotionally locked into the mess and the hoarding, it’s likely that is deeply tied to the house too, even if she’s not able to see or acknowledge that. I don’t have any idea how you might move her forwards though, sorry.

Original poster
Scantilydoesit · 22/04/2021 20:26

Aqua, thank you. You seem to understand perfectly and I know what you are saying is spot on. Definitely there are elements of control etc - there always have been with her and my dad ever since we were kids.
Tambourine - that's a really good idea. Never thought of that.
Mobear - No, I can only handle 1 or 2 nights as she insists on doing the cooking at mine and never stops talking. I also have to work from home and I can't with her there as she'd be listening in!
She already bought a huge sofa bed that I have to keep here especially for her when she comes.
Changing, the thing is nobody will tell her outright. My sister's kids made some comments after they went and she was mortified and constantly on the defensive. It's very difficult to understand her personality when I'm just writing this but she always gets the upper hand and is always right. (dad was the same!).

OP posts:
Smokeahontas · 22/04/2021 20:27

I doubt (but not 100%) anyone would be able to get a mortgage on it if it’s in such a state, so she may be limited to cash purchasers.

Oblomov21 · 22/04/2021 20:28

I think you're going to have to take a firmer line with her.

Tell her it can't all go. insist that when she moves she can only take 15 ornaments or 30 books or 75 this or 25 that. and tell her she needs to decide now.

Auction the rest or send it to a charity shop, or do whatever you want with it.

Then hire somebody to come in and clean.

In fact there are lots and lots of companies who will come in and sort first, and then clean.

Be firm. Get this sorted. Do it now.

mobear · 22/04/2021 20:30

@Scantilydoesit I completely understand, my mother felt the same way about my grandmother! If that is the case, I think the fire service is a good start. You could also try to speak to her GP about it because it is a marker of mental illness - anxiety, depression, OCD, OCPD, etc.

lljkk · 22/04/2021 20:35

I can't tell how bad the house is. OP mentioned "Putting away some books and ornaments" - I find that hoarder houses are normally a lot worse than putting away some books & ornaments could sort out.

I could imagine buying a house like OP describes, for the right price. Beyond structural safety & whether building maintenance had been good, My other concern would be whether OP's mum had anywhere to go -- presumably it's hard for hoarders to choose a new property & pack up so much stuff and get around to doing any cleaning before they leave. I imagine they have poor decision-making & organisational skills.

We had a local home which was probably hoarders - they did successfully move away. Maybe my concern is misplaced.

Original poster
Scantilydoesit · 22/04/2021 20:38

Mobear, Yes, I guess I could. She certainly frequents the surgery on a very regular basis! (She makes a lot of appointments which all turn our to be nothing). I definitely think she has mental health issues. No doubt about it, but it's nothing recent tbh. She's always been the same.

Oblov, I'd love to but it would cause a lot of problems between us.
I know I need to be much firmer though as she relies very heavily on me since my dad died.

OP posts:
mobear · 22/04/2021 20:40

@Scantilydoesit The nursing home prescribed my grandmother anti-anxiety medication and it has really helped her. Your mum may not agree to it but if she does, on the advice of her GP, you may find it makes her much easier to deal with throughout the process. I wish you the best of luck!

Cavagirl · 22/04/2021 20:41

Where is she moving to? Is she expecting to take all her stuff with her??

I disagree all hoarders are manipulative - I have a family member who has the same issue and for them it is due to anxiety (having 20 of the same thing just in case...what if I need it one day..etc)

Original poster
Scantilydoesit · 22/04/2021 20:42

Llikk, yes, I was trying to be very careful with what I said to her. Her rooms are packed with stuff. One bedroom has heaps of papers and music all across the floor so you can't get in it. Others have clothes, books piled up so it's difficult to open doors. The kitchen is big and has a lot of surface space. You cannot see any of that surface.

I'm sure there are many worse but I think it will be extremely difficult.

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Original poster
Scantilydoesit · 22/04/2021 20:47

Cava, I imagine she's looking for a 3 bed. Yes, she's want to at least take the furniture (including the massive dining room table for 12). She still has wrapping paper that she keeps from when we were children. (I'm 40). I get cards but used wrapping paper which has been taken from house to house and even over to France and back? Much of this furniture is from our childhood.

OP posts:
romdowa · 22/04/2021 20:48

You will probably have to be quite firm with her. Tell her you will only help her if she clear out the house. If not then you cant help her. I had a similar issue last year with my father. He hoards books, the house was filled with books and it was becoming quite dangerous ashe is physically disabled , I told him that it had to be cleared if he wanted my help in sorting the house. I took hundreds upon hundreds of books to the recycling centre, sometimes 4 of each book and we scaled way back. He didn't like it and it was a battle but it had to be done. It was coming to the stage where it was unsafe for him to live alone.

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