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Original poster

Mum's moving- Hoarder alert

162 replies

Scantilydoesit · 22/04/2021 19:59

My mum has a large 4 bed house in a smallish town in Somerset.
She's lived there about 15 years and stayed after my dad died.
Both of them were (mum is) awful hoarders.
Her house is rammed top to bottom with stuff.
She's75 and doesn't have good sight and I'm absolutely dreading having to help (it will be me as the others live a long way away).
Her house is also very dirty and dusty. She cooks all the time but never cleans and there are splashes of stuff over the kitchen that have been there forever. Crumbs are all over the floor every time I visit and I just find it incredibly depressing.
I try to clean when I go, only for it to return to it's previous state in about 2 hours after she's cooked again.
However, If I dare mention anything, she goes on the defensive. My sister has totally given up and hardly goes to see her because of this.

She will not throw anything away, nor will she have anyone in to help her.
I casually mentioned today that she might look at storage options while selling the house.
Her reply was that no way, she can't afford that and people want to see a homely home!
I suggested she maybe put away some books and ornaments but again that was a no and so I left it.
The decor is all very old fashioned with homemade heavy curtains everywhere, reds, greens, yellows ....and all sorts of odd bits of non matching furniture.

So, how do you think the house will sell?
Will people see past it?
I know it's awful but I'm hoping they don't and I can't bear the thought of it all.

My own house had awful colours too but I saw past it . However, it was clean with minimal furniture when we viewed. Personally, I could never buy up something like my mum's as I'd not know what wa hiding under the fridge. (there is no way she doesn't have mice and when I have to stay there I lie awake all night listening for them!!).

OP posts:
sandgrown · 22/04/2021 20:50

Not a hoarders are manipulative and trying to clear it too quickly can cause them huge emotional distress. I would see if a professional declutterer could help and speak to and encourage your mum. Some good ideas on The Declutter Hub Facebook page and they do free podcasts too.

Cavagirl · 22/04/2021 20:52

Oh wow, she's just downsizing from a 4 bed to a 3 bed? But doesn't want to get rid of any stuff?

Why is she moving?

Becca19962014 · 22/04/2021 20:52

I'm neither manipulative or abusive.

Hoarding is a recognised mental health problem.

Social services, GP and the fire brigade made my situation a thousand times worse as all they did was lecture me about being filthy and disgusting and got some social worker students to turn up with bin bags and throw absolutely everything I owned - dumping it all in the tip, and I mean everything. I don't even have a birth certificate anymore or passport to prove my identity and can't get them replaced (long story).

I lost a friend to hoarding a couple of years ago after the same was done to her. Though it is, supposedly recognised as a mental disorder that's not the case everywhere and, in some areas like mine the 'treatment' worsens the problem. She died when things fell on her, in the court case the local authority accused her of refusing to engage. Like me she asked for help and support and ended up losing literally everything, she then banned anyone from coming in under any circumstances (as I now do) and it got so bad things fell on her and killed her.

Tambourinetunes · 22/04/2021 20:52

The fire service will know of other sources of support too. Some areas have multi-disciplinary teams and will have knowledge and be able to help her in a more practical way. I do feel for you having had a hoarding parent I know how difficult it is.

Becca19962014 · 22/04/2021 20:54

And no, there wasn't any support. I was just left with nothing and told not to do it again.

It was devastating.

frumpety · 22/04/2021 20:55

Is it your Mum's idea to move ? Does she want to downsize ?

The house in its current state will sell, but it will sell to the few people willing to see past all 'the stuff'. I suppose it depends on the house aswell, is it in a desirable area ? Could the buyer make a good profit doing it up ?

Original poster
Scantilydoesit · 22/04/2021 20:55

Rom, it's definitely unsafe. She's blind in one eye and not great sight in the other.
Sand, I would love to pay for cleaners and declutterers. I'd be really happy to do this to help but I very much doubt she'd agree.
I asked her about having professional help with packing and she thinks she's going to do it all herself.

OP posts:
Anonmousse · 22/04/2021 20:58

If people are buying a house to live in , they might not see past it, but I think people looking for a do-er upper, or a developer would, at a lower price.
If you read the property threads people recommend plumping up cushions, changing bedding, putting out plants etc but some people will just be interested in size of rooms and the structural elements.

EscapeDragon · 22/04/2021 21:01

I asked her about having professional help with packing and she thinks she's going to do it all herself

She thinks you're going to do it, with her supervising.

Original poster
Scantilydoesit · 22/04/2021 21:02

Becca, That's awful and I didn't mean that all hoarders are abusive or manipulative. This is/was an added issue with my parents since we were children and all of us 5 kids recognise the damage it's done. They were both very controlling (long story) and my mum still has a lot of control over me. I am sure this is not true of all hoarders at all and sorry if I made it sound that way.
She wants to move nearer to me (and it's entirely her decision ) because she's had a bit of a fall out with her church she's in and feels she's not in the right place now. She'll be moving to a completely new area.

OP posts:
lljkk · 22/04/2021 21:05

It sounds rather pie in the sky, tbh.
She'll never get it all in a 3 bed property, she'll never manage to pack it all up by herself in time.
She'll possibly be insulted by the low offers that come in.

Hoarder properties often do have major problems with lack of repairs.

Would she sit and watch a hoarder tv programme with you? Conversation starter, maybe.

Becca19962014 · 22/04/2021 21:07

@Scantilydoesit don't worry, sensitive subject for me and I probably should have scrolled past instead of reply. I didn't mean to make you feel bad.

Original poster
Scantilydoesit · 22/04/2021 21:08

Escape - I can just imagine.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scantilydoesit · 22/04/2021 21:10

Becca, I guess I meant that because of the controlling issue, this makes the whole hoarding experience harder because she knows I won't stand up to her and do things to 'placate' her. That is my fault and I know I have an issue with not being assertive enough.
I am really sorry for what you went through.

OP posts:
romdowa · 22/04/2021 21:16

@Scantilydoesit

Rom, it's definitely unsafe. She's blind in one eye and not great sight in the other. Sand, I would love to pay for cleaners and declutterers. I'd be really happy to do this to help but I very much doubt she'd agree. I asked her about having professional help with packing and she thinks she's going to do it all herself.
I had to be incredibly firm and tell him look this is happening, either its with me , or the housing association and public health nurse will get involved and they will gut the place. So the choice was his. I gave him numerous chances to do it himself but he didnt , so he hadn't a leg to stand on. I gave him a deadline, I'll be coming on this day and If you dont have it done, then I'll make a start. I think it took 3 days in the end, bloody books were everywhere and about all kinds of stupid things. He had a quiz book from 1987 and a children's dictionary that his dog had half eaten 🙄🙄 I really sympathize with you because it's hard when you have to be the parent in the situation but it happens as they get older, they seem to become quite child like.
KikoMiko · 22/04/2021 21:18

Hi OP. Im in a very similar position with my own DM and I posted recently about it too. My DMs house is a hovel. I went for the first time last week as avoided going for ages as I just find it too upsetting. DM is having a new washing machine delivered tomorrow and I'm dreading the poor installers having to go in a wade through mess and squalor to put it in. The filth, dust and piles of stuff is just overwhelming.

The house is held in trust for my DB and me, but we need to get DM out and find her somewhere more suited to her mobility needs now. I genuinely don't know how we are going to deal with it. I've looked into getting professional cleaners and declutters in but I don't know that she allow me to.

I don't really have any advice, but just wanted you to know that you aren't alone and it does seem to be quite common.

Beancounter1 · 22/04/2021 21:20

Perhaps a good approach would be to listen to her and talk to her, but not actually lift a finger. Just be there as a sounding-board.
If she doesn't raise the topic, don't you raise it. If she starts to talk about any aspect of it (packing, selling, buying, cleaning), listen with patience and give nice-sounding but non-committal answers.
Wait to see if she actually asks outright for you to do something for her. Then you either decline or make a specific deal, such as 'no I won't help you pack but I will pay for a removal company if you need me to help financially.'
It is very very difficult moving from a child-parent relationship into an adult-adult relationship. You need to emotionally detach.

Original poster
Scantilydoesit · 22/04/2021 21:20

Rom, Yes, the 80'd kids books are still there ( and many other types).
My dad died about 7 years ago. He had pulmonary fibrosis. Never smoked and was very healthy and one of the consultants believed it could have been due to all his old books (and the mites) in his study that he spend hours in every day.

OP posts:
Bythemillpond · 22/04/2021 21:22

Anything will sell at the right price. But if it is I such a bad state and you can’t see exactly what is wrong then people will factor on potential costs of things that might or might not be wrong with the place.
She is likely to sell but only to a cash buyer and for a much reduced amount.

frumpety · 22/04/2021 21:24

I have been in plenty of homes where they are very cluttered, rooms full of stuff, no counter space etc. I have been into a hoarded house, once the door was opened there was a very narrow passage way through the floor to ceiling height stuff, no room was useable including the bathroom, the toilet was just about visible, but you couldn't use the bath or sink. There was just enough room to lie down on a single bed, but not flat out, you could do it if you curled up. None of the appliances in the kitchen could be reached, the rear door was hidden behind another floor to ceiling pile, so no escape from fire if it started in the front rooms. It was very sad because the lady who lived there was under threat of eviction, the council had cleared the flat once before and she had simply rehoarded.

romdowa · 22/04/2021 21:25

@Scantilydoesit

Rom, Yes, the 80'd kids books are still there ( and many other types). My dad died about 7 years ago. He had pulmonary fibrosis. Never smoked and was very healthy and one of the consultants believed it could have been due to all his old books (and the mites) in his study that he spend hours in every day.
That's madness. I really hope you can get the courage to not just try and please her on this occasion, keep reminding yourself that this is for her own good and sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. It might help you stand firm on this.
Original poster
Scantilydoesit · 22/04/2021 21:29

Kiko, it's good to know I'm not alone. I really hope you are able to sort it out. Flowers It sounds so much the same!

Bean, so true and tbh, I probably need counselling myself. I did start it several years ago but couldn't deal with all the childhood stuff at the time but I guess it's all relevant. I just feel immense pressure and stress right now. (I'm on my own with 3 kids due to separation and work). My siblings live miles away (2 abroad) and so wouldn't be able to help my mum move.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/04/2021 21:30

Sadly I think you need to leave her to it, lots of sympathetic noises book her taxis to see properties (that she pays for).

She may never actually move, it could be a way of reeling you in?

You need to work on boundaries so she doesn't end up coming to visit you and then never leaving...

frumpety · 22/04/2021 21:32

If there are five of you, I think you need to all be involved, plan a weekend, unless the others don't live in the UK, turn up en masse and deal with it together, she will find it a lot harder to battle five people with a shared goal, than you on your own.

frumpety · 22/04/2021 21:33

Ah see two live abroad, sorry !