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Original poster

Moral dilemma

280 replies

PLNB31 · 24/06/2020 08:22

Hi just wanted a little advise, I have my house on the market as currently (been up for around 2weeks) looking for a bigger house for myself, husband and 4young boys . We are signed up to Rightmove, we want to stay in the current area we are in as our kids are settled in school. 3 days ago a property came up on Rightmove(added that day), My sister put the property on a family group chat and said she was going to see it, straight away I said I wanted to view that property also. My sister is very unhappy I said this and didn’t think I should view it as she was. We have now both viewed the property and both want to put in offers. My sister thinks I should be stepping back and not putting an offer in as she said she liked it first? Should I be putting my sisters opinion before doing what’s right for my family? Am I a bad person for putting an offer In?

OP posts:
Alexalee · 25/06/2020 10:51

If I were you I would put your offer in, you will probably then be assessed and maybe asked for your best and final, your sister would not be asked as she is in no position to buy at all
Would your sister really want you to not have it because she cant?

akkakk · 25/06/2020 11:27

You don't put dibs on a house via family whatsapp - tell your sister to stop behaving as though she is still 6 years old Grin

put an offer in - if you are up against your sister you are also up against lots of other bids - the vendor will decide who can buy.

At least if you get it, you know she will like it when visiting for a BBQ Grin

ChocoTrio · 25/06/2020 11:36

I'm curious about this sought after house now?! What makes it so special? Why are they selling?

pinkglove75318 · 25/06/2020 11:46

I think it's a dick move on your part tbh. She expressed interest first. I would be really annoyed if my sister did this to me.

Alexalee · 25/06/2020 11:55

Dont see how it can be a dick move if the sister has a 0% chance of her offer even being considered

Slightlydustcovered · 25/06/2020 11:56

For those saying you think the message is the equivalent of calling dibs. Just curious can I ask why? Is it something you can articulate or is it just a feeling?

suggestionsplease1 · 25/06/2020 12:10

@Slightlydustcovered

For those saying you think the message is the equivalent of calling dibs. Just curious can I ask why? Is it something you can articulate or is it just a feeling?
For me the situation is a bit reminiscent of a swimming competition that my brother had entered into when we were kids. When I knew he had entered I realised that I probably had a good shot of winning instead and getting this fancy trophy, because I was a stronger swimmer than him.

So I entered, won fair and square, as was my absolute prerogative, and he came second. However I always felt bad after because I realised it meant so much to him and I had rained on his parade. He told me about it with excitement for himself that he might finally get something he wanted (and yes I had a history of besting him in most things we did) and I saw it as an opportunity to win yet again for myself at his expense. I didn't have to do that - I could have just let him have that one knowing how much it meant to him - and I only knew about the competition because he told me.

Of course this is much bigger stakes and everyone has the right to try to get the best house they can for their family..but if there's any history like that in the family I can understand that it must be hard for this sister to contemplate losing something she wanted so much to the OP.

Tavannach · 25/06/2020 12:26

So I entered, won fair and square, as was my absolute prerogative, and he came second.

But it's not really comparable.
The OP's sister knew she was looking for a house like that in the area and thinks by saying she saw it first that trumps the needs of not only the OP but also the OP's husband and any children they have.

Original poster
PLNB31 · 25/06/2020 12:28

@Slightlydustcovered I think because she was aware I was looking in that particular area she knew I would 100% want to at least view that house as it meets all our criteria.

I have no issue with her looking at it/offering on it, even though her house is not on the market unlike mine, why would I? I would just like the same respect back.

I also don’t believe this is her DREAM home as she has said on numerous occasions what her dream home is and this is neither the traditional or detached home she has described

OP posts:
Original poster
PLNB31 · 25/06/2020 12:29

@Tavannach this is exactly what my husband has said

OP posts:
Slightlydustcovered · 25/06/2020 12:31

@suggestionsplease1 thank you. That is very helpful, a useful insight I hadn't considered the emotional impact of the process rather the more straightforward practical side.

Sorry op can't help I think it's a tough situation, but I wish you luck.

GracieLouFreebushh · 25/06/2020 13:24

It sounds like your sister was staking her claim to the house by announcing it to everyone but actually isn't even in a position to buy. For sure I would put a message on the WhatsApp for all to see that you and sister are not going to talk about houses you're going to see as there are so few and you don't want to cause any tension over a house purchase.

With regards to moving forward with the house, I would probably put in the offer etc as you would plan but not mention it to family as you might not get it anyway. If you do get it, you can then explain that the house had multiple offers, you made an offer and got the house. You can also explain that if you didn't put in the offer then neither of you would have gotten the house and would possibly continue to compete over the same houses. I would completely accept that but not knowing your sister, she might not? Especially if she has described her ideal house, this is not it, she is not proceedable and this interest in moving home sounds very new. Does she usually have the need to compete with you?

Good luck whatever you choose to do.

Cookies2523 · 25/06/2020 13:31

I agree with your husband.

Tavannach · 25/06/2020 14:52

Well, if you get the house your husband can tell her that he offered on the house because he was acting in his family's best interests. She's foot-stomping and it's not a good look for an adult.
Good luck.

AIMD · 25/06/2020 21:37

@Slightlydustcovered

For those saying you think the message is the equivalent of calling dibs. Just curious can I ask why? Is it something you can articulate or is it just a feeling?
She knew her sister was looking for a house, presumably knew what area and what price range she was looking at. So she would have known, as soon as she saw the notification for this house, that it might be one her sister was interested in. It then feels odd that she would mention it straight away on the group chat and act like her sister couldn’t also view it.

I’d feel differently if she had been looking all along and/or her sister only thought about moving after she sent the link to this house. But she knew her sister was looking in that exact area for that type of house.....so why act surprised when she wants to view it too?

ScottishStottie · 29/06/2020 18:42

Any word on the house yet??

Original poster
PLNB31 · 29/06/2020 19:31

No not yet

OP posts:
Whenwillthisbeover · 29/06/2020 20:45

I think you sound awful.

Tiptoes123 · 29/06/2020 23:06

Good luck with your offer OP!

I don't think you sound awful at all! Rather you've been put in a difficult situation by your sisters unreasonable demands. I hope it all works out well for you and your family.

ChocoTrio · 29/06/2020 23:36

@Whenwillthisbeover and @Tiptoes123

In fairness, we only have OP's side of the story.

I think the fact OP has titled this "Moral Dilemma" suggests she does have a moral conscience, so probably is not "awful". It does seem like a tough spot to be in - the house matters, but family matters too. I get the impression OP is self-aware enough to recognise how this situation may make her look and isn't feeling too great about it as it is - this may explain why she has sought external viewpoints.

I'm sceptical because the sister seems to have been vilified as "unreasonable" etc - we don't actually know the full facts because we only have OP's side of the story.

I hope it works out best for both OP and sister. Sounds like a desirable house if at least 10 people have placed bids. But maybe the one who loses out will find something else, maybe better, later on?

Smallgoon · 30/06/2020 00:26

@Whenwillthisbeover You seem nice.

Baxdream · 30/06/2020 12:47

I don't think you've done anything wrong. Your sister isn't proceed able anyway.
It's not a shock to your sister that you'd view it as she knew you'd be interested as not many houses come up.
Do you both have the same budget? Do you know what they offered?

ChocoTrio · 30/06/2020 13:08

@Baxdream

OP said sister isn't proceed able. We don't know full facts about sister's situation really.
E.g. EA apparently allowed sister to make an offer. If there is a bit of a bidding war for this house then I imagine EA wouldn't allow offers to be made by those who are not proceed able. They'll need to filter out bids somehow...

I think it's a challenging situation. Even more so when you only have one side of the story...

Baxdream · 30/06/2020 13:10

I put in my post she's not proceedable.

EA are duty bound to put all offers to the vendor.

ChocoTrio · 30/06/2020 13:41

@Baxdream - Point taken regarding EA. I guess it depends on EA policies and their agreement with the vendor. Some vendors can instruct a "not accepting offers" threshold - one of which could stipulating whether or not buyers are proceedable.

Also - I got the impression OP isn't proceedable either. Had offers but not accepted any as of yet?

It seems odd sister would be seriously considering a house if she wasn't in the financial situation to actually buy yet. Then again, not everyone needs to sell their current house in order to to buy a new one - some people have enough in funds to buy a new home without needing to sell their old one (just rent out the old one etc.). It's reasonable that OP might be assuming that sister is not proceedable because her house isn't up for sale and not sold yet - but financial matters are very personal/private, so OP may not know her sister's and brother-in-law's full financial circumstances. It's a bit of speculation really.