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Original poster

Moral dilemma

280 replies

PLNB31 · 24/06/2020 08:22

Hi just wanted a little advise, I have my house on the market as currently (been up for around 2weeks) looking for a bigger house for myself, husband and 4young boys . We are signed up to Rightmove, we want to stay in the current area we are in as our kids are settled in school. 3 days ago a property came up on Rightmove(added that day), My sister put the property on a family group chat and said she was going to see it, straight away I said I wanted to view that property also. My sister is very unhappy I said this and didn’t think I should view it as she was. We have now both viewed the property and both want to put in offers. My sister thinks I should be stepping back and not putting an offer in as she said she liked it first? Should I be putting my sisters opinion before doing what’s right for my family? Am I a bad person for putting an offer In?

OP posts:
Murmurur · 24/06/2020 14:45

Your sister is going to be very upset with you, whether the internet backs you up on this or not. Whether she will still be speaking to you afterwards comes down to whether she thinks what you did is ok, not what we say. Why risk an enormous falling out over a house that will end up going to neither of you?

Sabee · 24/06/2020 14:55

Regardless of what relationship you have with someone, if they’re behaving inappropriately, you need to be able to draw healthy boundaries.

Even if it is with a sister.

Life isn’t perfect, and we won’t always have perfect relationships.

As adults, you will have differences and disagree - often strongly!

Standing up for things doesn’t show or mean you don’t care, it’s what you have to do to have a healthy relationship, a healthy adult relationship.

Otherwise where do you draw the line? What do you have to put up with for the sake of a happy relationship, which will actually only be happy one sided, and ultimately superficial, knowing how she has been treated?

Anyway, wish you the best OP; hope things work out for you in all respects!

ChocoTrio · 24/06/2020 15:02

@Lougle "Your sister was naive in posting on the group chat before viewing and you would be unkind to take advantage of that, imo."

I'm not sure it's naive to trust a group chat with family including your own sister... Loads of people let family know about homes they're hoping to view etc. It's reasonable to feel safe in that environment and not think that one of your close family members who take away your opportunities and hopes.

It's a tricky one. Imagine if she got the house - how would you feel visiting? Like wise, if you got the house - how would she feel visiting the house?
I suspect that in either situation you'd both be like "this could have been mine" and wondering what it could have been like. It may create a bit of a rift and jealousy between you. Sibling rivalry... it happens.

@PLNB31 - in the end you have to do what's right for you, your immediate family and the rest of your family. Like others have said - with 10 offers on the table it's unlikely either you or your sister will get the house and that may be a good thing if it were to be the cause of strain in your relationship. I would suspect a few of those 10 offers would be in a better 'ready to go' position to purchase.

Hope it all works out either way!

ChocoTrio · 24/06/2020 15:03

*will not who

ChocoTrio · 24/06/2020 15:07

@Murmurur "Your sister is going to be very upset with you, whether the internet backs you up on this or not. Whether she will still be speaking to you afterwards comes down to whether she thinks what you did is ok, not what we say. Why risk an enormous falling out over a house that will end up going to neither of you?"

This

It's like this house is cursed or something already Confused.

If it was my, I'd be aiming to keep the peace where possible.

LolaSkoda · 24/06/2020 15:13

I would say to my sister that I’m putting an offer in, that I know it’s a shit situation as we both want the same thing. It’s up to the seller who they want to sell to.

It’s a difficult one to imagine tbh as I can’t imagine my sister and I calling dibs on a house. It’s just not how we operate!

Oliversmumsarmy · 24/06/2020 18:21

Realistically is a seller going to even consider an offer from someone who hasn’t got a buyer or even one who hasn’t actually got their house up for sale

ChocoTrio · 24/06/2020 18:37

@Oliversmummy

True.

But OP @PLNB31 may not know her sister's full financial circumstances. It's possible that her sister or her sister's husband may have come into a large sum of money etc. Which means they have a bigger deposit and/or can buy outright or something.

EA did permit sister to view and put an offer on after all.

madcatladyforever · 24/06/2020 18:37

me and my sister would fight to the death for it.

OneKeyAtATime · 24/06/2020 18:38

Whoever is willing to pay more or is ready to but should get it. Your sister sounds quite precious

Janek · 24/06/2020 18:56

Tell your sister that the way you get dibs on a house is to put an offer in and have it accepted!!!

Medievalist · 24/06/2020 19:13

Perhaps op, a way forward would for you and dsis to agree that in future neither of you will "announce" your intentions to each other or to family that you are going after a particular house. You will both carry on viewing, making offers etc, but won't tell each other. That way there can be no arguments about who saw a property first and who has first dibs.

Would she agree to that do you think?

vintageyoda · 24/06/2020 19:15

Agree to put in a slightly lower offer than your sister. If you are ready to go they will come back and ask you to up your offer. That way you haven't taken anything from your sister.

DanniArthur · 24/06/2020 20:14

I think calling dibs on a house is a bit silly tbh. You are both adults so entitled to both submit offers and the seller can choose the best for them.

Cottipus · 24/06/2020 20:34

Thanks for the updates op. 10 offers is certainly a desirable property, let us know how you get on.

zizu73 · 24/06/2020 21:39

Your sister trusted you and posted it in a family chat group which she thought was a safe space. Don’t take advantage of it. Karma and all.

Smallgoon · 24/06/2020 23:33

@zizu73 Maybe read the entire thread for context before you start the holier than thou crap.

TARSCOUT · 24/06/2020 23:53

If this was my sister and I then I wouldn't have viewed if I hadn't arranged it before sister posted. I would however have had a conversation and suggested that we maybe didn't post what we were looking at on WA group going forward.

Chuchyduck · 25/06/2020 05:51

I think that your sister is being ridiculous. As other posters have said, she knew full well that it’s a house you’d be interested in viewing. She shouldn’t be trying to tell you what houses you can’t view. Maybe it’s a bit of jealousy: she saw the house and immediately thought you would view it, so she wanted to stop you in your tracks. Well , no sorry. Good luck with your offer.

farnworth · 25/06/2020 06:16

Having just read this, I would have said yes to putting in an offer. If you didn’t, due to your sister’s demands, your relationship might never be the same again anyway, especially if you felt resentful - and as your husband loved the house and his mum has spotted the notification, he would be likely to feel very resentful. First dibs is how children behave, not adult siblings. In the end it comes down to who the vendor might prefer.....

Going forwards I would say on the family what’s app either that messages in it do not give someone the right to be the only person to go for it or, to be more tactful and say that to prevent this happening again, please can no mention be made of possible houses etc.
Good luck...

suggestionsplease1 · 25/06/2020 06:39

It's probably for the best that neither of you get this house and you make a very clear decision from this point onwards that no further discussion of potential houses takes place. No posting them, nothing. Every other house on the market is fair game from this point onwards.

It sounds like you both know you can throw more money at this place to have more of a chance of bagging it.

It's maybe not right that the family relations be disrupted over this but it sounds like this is very much what is going to happen. Your sister is going to be upset over housewarming, Christmases etc. It will always be a source of bitterness. Just because it maybe shouldn't be doesn't mean that it won't be. If you're happy to proceed on that understanding of the future, crack on.

AIMD · 25/06/2020 09:20

Your sister knew you were looking to buy in this area, so would have known when she saw the house on rightmove that it might be one that you are interested in. Surely she knew before she posted it would be a house that might interest you given you were looking in that area?!

She thought posting it in the group chat meant that you couldn’t proceed to look at/put an offer on the house. She’s wrong.....life doesn’t work like that. There are no DIBS in situations like this. It’s not like calling shot gun on the front seat when you’re 10! Her suggesting that you can’t offer on a house “because she saw it first” is at the least quite childish and the worst quite manipulative of her.

I would proceed with offering on the house. I’d let her know you are proceeding but not discuss it any further. If you do get it (which sounds unlikely given the interest anyway) then she can either choose to let it go or stop contact, ball will be in her court.

Leobynature · 25/06/2020 09:29

Tbh I would be pissed off and tell them so hoping that they will just tell me to go for it but I wouldn’t fall out with my sibling over a house. Iife’s too short. I would try and find a bigger and better one. However you seem to have made up your mind

Alexalee · 25/06/2020 09:45

Put the offer in and let us know op
Your sister has 0% chance of buying anyway
You have about 10%
What area of the country and rough value are we talking here out of curiosity

Original poster
PLNB31 · 25/06/2020 10:01

West Mids 300k

OP posts:
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