Disappointment our third child can’t join her siblings at the same school

[sopae]

We have two kids at a selective school in London. It is very competitive to get in to. Both kids sat the 4+ and have been there since reception and are doing really well. We have just found out that our third has not been accepted for reception next year. I am so sad that she can’t join her siblings.

I don’t blame the school, obviously they have to draw a line and we chose to put them all in for 4+. I also know it is a ridiculous age to try and assess. She won’t even be 4 until the summer and is developmentally a completely normal 3 year old. She can try again at 7+. But I am still heartbroken that she will have at least three years separate to the others, and her siblings are so disappointed too.

Anyone else have this experience and can help me put some perspective on it. I know there are bigger issues but right now I am feeling so sad about it.

That’s very sad for your dc. Hope you can find her a great school. Academic supremacy at age 4 isn’t everything, I know you will make sure she feels as valuable as the “clever kids”.

I do think that’s absolutely ridiculous of the school. You’re committed parents supporting the school by sending all three of your kids there and they are not admitting a perfectly normal 3 year old based on “assessments”?
Different of course if it were an objective exam like the 11+.
I would pull all three out based on the fact they don’t value your family.

I might not even try again at 7. If she “fails” then as well, she will be very aware of it. It would be a horrible cross to bear. And you will be tempted to spend the next three years hot-housing her to take the test, instead of letting her be a little kid.

Oh this sounds so sad. Hopefully the school can reconsider - given the sibling link? So
sorry to hear this.

I would request a meeting with the headmaster / headmistress. I have seen this happening and the children were eventually given a place.

...move them all to a school that doesn't assess a 3 year old and then somehow fail them....

Such a weird thing to do...

Honestly I would consider moving them all to a different school. How can you even consider paying thousands every year to a school that is so dismissive of your 3 year old?

I feel for you, tough all round. Unfortunately though this is the risk you take when putting older siblings in a very selective school. I know a family who as a result had 2 at private prep and one at state primary.

I would ask school for further feedback and ask for her to be on the reserve list - you often get more movement than you’d expect.

There's a 4 plus? Who knew?

This is a really horrible situation that could really affect your youngest's self esteem when she's older. I would move them all

Why on earth are any of your children at a school that has a 4+?! Your child is 4 and you let her take a test for a big thing that mattered and fail it, and you are letting your older children be taught by people that think it's ok to do that. Honestly if you care about your kids you will remove your kids immediately from that evil place.

Your poor youngest DD will know she is ‘different’ because adults have made her feel so. You have a choice now to ensure her future is one of security or worthlessness. Choose wisely.

And do you ever eat McDonald's?

That's ridiculous. And so potentially damaging to your youngest self esteem and their sibling relationships. It doesn't sound like a good school if they can't prioritise committed families based on some (crackpot) idea they accurately deduce academic prowess in 3 yr olds.

One of the best things about having 3 was how easily the youngest did everything, having watched the other 2 and then been keen to join them. The years where all 3 were in the same place were the best for logistics too.

I would personally move them to somewhere that can accommodate all 3. No child needs to be in an academically selective environment at primary at all. Shared experiences and family time are far more important.

I’d take the other two out.

The whole culture around the Oxbridge < super selective independent < selective prep, that extrapolates down to the 4+ seems so damaging to me. I feel sure that the potential downsides for some children outweigh the possible benefits.

OP, I’d use this experience to reevaluate, and move all three children to a more normal school where they can be together. That’s way more important than any amount of academic prestige in a primary school.

I’d definitely request a meeting with the head. Are there any indications that your youngest has learning difficulties? If not, the school are being ridiculous because no one can assess academic aptitude at age 3.

I would look for other schools and potentially pull the older kids out too.

What on earth is a 4+

what do they need to do ?

They are going to school to learn so I find a test for 4yr weird

Thank you, it’s worth a try. We are in an area of South London where some schools can choose to be very selective so I am not sure it will get us anywhere.

No, not at all, she is a July baby so will be young starting but no indication that she isn’t tiyakky normal and bright three year old.

Them’s the breaks

Thanks, yes I know it’s on us, we chose this route.

Hmmm. I’ve seen this happen several times at my son’s school. Talk to the head (or the head of younger years), ask if she did well enough for the waiting list, emphasise how committed you are to the school as a family, tell them to please let you know if there is a chance for her to be considered and if possible assessed for any occasional places that come up, let them know you’ll move her from wherever you send her instead at any time, even mid term, if a spot comes up. Most people I know this happened to got the younger child in by then end of year 1. As PP said, you absolutely MUST request a meeting and have this conversation with them, otherwise they don’t know whether you are gutted and really really want her in, it are thinking “oh well, we’ll settle her at our second choice school and no big deal”.

Also, if this is for this Sept, don’t rule out that she may still get a spot by then if you are clear with the school you’ll take it. With VAT, Brexit, etc, lots of families decide not to do with private primary even if the kids get in. There is far less demand for places that 8 or so years ago.

I would move them all while she's young enough not to remember how she wasn't good enough to go to the same school as her siblings.

Thank you, that is really helpful.