Disappointment our third child can’t join her siblings at the same school

[sopae]

We have two kids at a selective school in London. It is very competitive to get in to. Both kids sat the 4+ and have been there since reception and are doing really well. We have just found out that our third has not been accepted for reception next year. I am so sad that she can’t join her siblings.

I don’t blame the school, obviously they have to draw a line and we chose to put them all in for 4+. I also know it is a ridiculous age to try and assess. She won’t even be 4 until the summer and is developmentally a completely normal 3 year old. She can try again at 7+. But I am still heartbroken that she will have at least three years separate to the others, and her siblings are so disappointed too.

Anyone else have this experience and can help me put some perspective on it. I know there are bigger issues but right now I am feeling so sad about it.

@sopae definitely go and see the head for feedback and also to say you are keen to keep your DC together in one school.

I genuinely can't believe that they don't have a sibling policy - particularly for this age group. It's guaranteed money for them.

Some super selectives at secondary school don't prioritize siblings but in a way I think this is the right thing to do. If your sibling doesn't get in, it's probably not the right place for the DC.

I've gone down a rabbit hole of horror with this subject.

These tests at 3 or 4 years old are to ensure a child has access to the "best" most expensive schools

@sopae I'd suggest, from my reading, that the school has decided it doesn't want another member of your family at the school.

4 Plus Assessment - How to Prepare | Specialist 4+ Tutors https://share.google/XnyFSYuSqEEmjWdYP

WTAF I have just read on some of these links
My mind is blown 🤯
This is next level crazy.
All that for a 3 year old 🤯😬🤯😬

I think you need to have a conversation with the head and find out why she wasn’t admitted, explain what that means for you as a family etc. if she ‘passed’ I think it was ridiculous they didn’t prioritise siblings. I also think you could be asking for another discovery day so she has a chance to visit the classroom and just spend a day in reception. I have one in a selective prep and another in a state primary and I could get my youngest in for a visit any time I wanted regardless of the published admissions process.

There is a possibility they saw something in your daughter that suggested the fit wasn’t right. If that is the case, you have to think quite carefully re whether that would be the right school for the child. I have two in different schools at the moment and the logistics are manageable and am trying to make the right decision for each child. While intelligence often seems to run in families, there aren’t guarantees. I have friends with three children and three very different academic profiles.

For what it’s worth, I think both of my children would have struggled at 4 plus. One is very shy and one was a summer born. Both are bright and doing well.

I know! I actually feel quite stupid because I truly didn't know this horror existed

I didn't know because I've not had money. This is what (some/many) people with money do.

Age 3 children being tested to gain admittance to fee paying schools appears to be very standard and normal for those monied people who want their children to get a particular education

Testing at 3/4 is crazy and surely summer born children are at a huge disadvantage at that age! You’ve got nothing to lose by speaking to the head though to see if there’s any chance of accepting her.
I can understand you not wanting to move your boys if they are happy there so hope you find a great school for your daughter.

Just to say - both mine “failed” these kind of tests at this kind of age (although obviously neither child had any idea it was a test or what the outcome was) and to be fair to the school involved, they are both difficult to teach and would not have done well there.

They’re bright but have SEN that were not diagnosed at that age but experienced teachers would absolutely have been able to see that something was different or would he harder to manage in a classroom.

The tests are really intended to find children that are compliant, confident, easy to teach - they’re screening for personality and obvious SEN.

Sounded like Alleyns to me too 😀

They've got you exactly where they want you. Even though they've rejected your youngest, they can still rely on you paying, what over £25k, 30k, more? For the next however many years? So you will still champion the school, still keep paying them and still perpetuating the idea that they only take the best of the best.

My older 2 children would not be returning under these circumstances, no matter how settled or how many friends they have at the school.

Is it an all through school?

OP in your place I would look at a few options,

1. remove all kids (I know you say they are settled and have friends but they are all primary aged and kids change schools all the time). Taking them out of school for visit days will send the message that you are unhappy.

2. as your older 2 are boys look for an all girls school, then she won’t question (as much) why she is at a different school.

Which ever school she goes to, make it seem like it is your choice, that it is a better school for her, say you were happy about something being better at that school.

I’d honestly just send her to a different school, as long as that is practical. I don’t understand the drama on here about her ‘feeling like a failure’ for life. She isn’t exactly going to remember it. I guess it’s the mumsnet anti-private brigade.

My kids are older and tbh I think it’s better for them to be at different schools because they are different and it means they can be their own person without being compared.

It is hilarious though that you can decide who is academically able at 4. Primaries seem to have little idea when they are 11, at least in my experience. It’s a different set of kids who are the ones who are actually clever at secondary.

Far too young to be at school anyway, they’re still so little at that age!

Why am I at a different school to my brothers? Because we decided x was a better school for you. End of.

If you absolutely must support a school that selects at age 3, then speak to the Head and make sure they know you want to be on the waiting list. With the birth rate dropping, places across both state and independent are easing up now, to the point where schools will be competing for pupils, not the other way around.

Feel free to DM me. My children are in a very selective prep in SW London and over the last few years I have seen more than one case like yours. In the end all younger siblings were given an offer. DM me - can give some pointers on how to have that conversation.

Are your older kids older in the year? Dd is July born and in Reception the difference seems huge. Not academically necessarily but in confidence and social skills. Did the school properly take her age into account?

We had friends with three boys and the third positively refused to follow his brothers to their private secondary school. He was sick and tired of being compared to the other two. So maybe this will be a blessing in disguise. An opportunity and not a threat.

The 4+. That's a new one on me.
Sounds ridic.

I think you either buy into the idea of selection at that age or you don't. I don't think you can blame the school if having chosen a selective school your third child doesn't meet the criteria. You just need to decide what is more important to you, the children being in school together or the 2 boys being in the selective school

It would definitely sour my feelings towards the school.

I don't really understand posters saying it's ridiculous. Its a selective school. They are selectively admitting. Either you're on board with it - which you are, when it's beneficial - or you're not.

If the most important thing is for your 3 children to be at the same school, and one wasn't admitted, then there's only one route.

Of course you can't really tell. It is a marketing thing. You attract parents by telling them the riffraff won't get in. As long as you "select" enough children, those parents think their offspring are geniuses and it keeps the merry go round going.

Mental.

Your youngest child has had a lucky escape to be frank and if you leave your older two there you're failing them and paying to do so.

Could you defer her entry on the fact she is a summer born ? So she could go in reception a year later . The difference between a summer born child and an autumn born child is vast at that age. Speak to the head. They will not want to lose two children and may take her late in year age into consideration

This is the best rabbit hole! The fees are extraordinary! And they don't include many things but specifically they don't include lunches, which are invoiced separately!

Laugh? I did 🤡