Disappointment our third child can’t join her siblings at the same school

[sopae]

We have two kids at a selective school in London. It is very competitive to get in to. Both kids sat the 4+ and have been there since reception and are doing really well. We have just found out that our third has not been accepted for reception next year. I am so sad that she can’t join her siblings.

I don’t blame the school, obviously they have to draw a line and we chose to put them all in for 4+. I also know it is a ridiculous age to try and assess. She won’t even be 4 until the summer and is developmentally a completely normal 3 year old. She can try again at 7+. But I am still heartbroken that she will have at least three years separate to the others, and her siblings are so disappointed too.

Anyone else have this experience and can help me put some perspective on it. I know there are bigger issues but right now I am feeling so sad about it.

Mental. One of the many reasons we chose not to bring up our dcs in London. Colleagues were sent mad by which school their kids got into.

Do they adjust the results for summer born kids at all? It seems crazy to pit a July born against a September born. It would be like judging a 12 year old for failing GCSE.

I was going to write a mean message but realised kicking someone when they're down is never the answer. I hope your youngest gets lots of love and attention and reassurances that she is wonderful just the way she is.

Academically selective schools take more autumn born children. They weren't looking for a child who was doing well, given their July birthday.

If it's any help, I failed to get into the school my parents wanted at 4+. I got an occasional place there for year 1, but didn't stay at 11 because it wasn't academic enough.

This makes me so sad - testing 3 year olds.

This.

What do they even test?!

Seeing it, I thought I had just wandered into the Twilight Zone!

I understand that thinking, but our older sons are both very settled and happy with their friends so that feels unfair to them.

Move them all to a sensible school that doesn’t do crap like this.

I would give the school notice that you will be withdrawing your older two at the end of next term to start all 3 of them at a school that will welcome all three of them. At primary level nurturing your children's emotional health and positive attitude to school is way more important than academic achievement and a school that will reject the summer-born youngster of an established school family has a completely unhealthy attitude that will already be damaging your older two and it will definitely be damaging your youngest to be treated differently like this. Don't even withdraw your notice when (as I suspect they will) they relent and offer DC3 a place after you give that notice. The stinky attitude will still be there.

What, AFTER her parents voluntarily sent her for an assessment to see how clever she is?!

It's not unfair to them. The school's values are shitty and they will be teaching those shitty values to your oldest two and teaching them to look down on their little sister. A move would benefit them too.

Crazy, written off academically at 3yo! What an awful school and how sad for your youngest who will,spend the next few years asking why they can’t be with their siblings. This sort of thing could permanently damage their self esteem when they’re older and process what happened. I would definitely take the other two out.

Presumably parents, including the OP, send their kids there because they know they will only be surrounded by children in the top percentage of intelligence / attainment etc. If they let in siblings that didn’t make the grade, the attractiveness to other parents would be diminished. That’s what they signed up for and so now they are reaping what they sowed.

Totally agree, it isn’t a nice and nurturing school and won’t be doing the older two any good overall.

Tbf the OP has no issue with the school's values, she just wants an exception made for her child.

Do people actually pay money for this sort of stuff?

Fascinated to know how you approach that conversation with a 3/4 year old and not cause issues with regard to self esteem (which may not be apparent until later on).

appreciate schools can have their own rules and I’m not anti private schools, but assessments for 4 year olds is just crazy. Can I ask what do they actually assess on????

I too would worry about this. Seems absolutely nuts and while she may not notice now, she definitely will in a year or two. What would you tell her… you failed a test when you were three? I’d be super careful here OP…

The OP likes the school. That’s why they are disappointed the youngest didn’t get in.

How on earth do you assess 4 year olds? Colouring in?

I’d move them all somewhere that didn’t judge a child’s potential by how well they perform in a test at 4. Bonkers

I wouldn’t threaten to pull your children out just for the sake of it but do the school realise how difficult this is for families, both emotionally and practically? How do your older children get to school at the moment? Is it even logistically possible for you to deliver children to 2 separate schools with presumably similar start and finish times, given the traffic in South London and the distance that you may have to go to find another school? Hopefully you already applied for some others as well?

It's honestly wild to me that schools assess a child's intelligence at age 4. Why?! It bears no relation on their later academic ability.

My family are all top GCSE/A-levels, Oxbridge firsts and went to state schools. I truly can't work out why a school is selective at age 4, or why you'd want to send your kids somewhere like that. Let kids be kids!

The school is a highly exclusive school. It deliberately only lets in pupils that make the grade. It doesn’t say “right one child per family must pass the test then any of their siblings, regardless of attainment level, can also get in”. Its selectiveness is what attracts parents, including the OP, to it. They get what they signed up for.