Disappointment our third child can’t join her siblings at the same school

[sopae]

We have two kids at a selective school in London. It is very competitive to get in to. Both kids sat the 4+ and have been there since reception and are doing really well. We have just found out that our third has not been accepted for reception next year. I am so sad that she can’t join her siblings.

I don’t blame the school, obviously they have to draw a line and we chose to put them all in for 4+. I also know it is a ridiculous age to try and assess. She won’t even be 4 until the summer and is developmentally a completely normal 3 year old. She can try again at 7+. But I am still heartbroken that she will have at least three years separate to the others, and her siblings are so disappointed too.

Anyone else have this experience and can help me put some perspective on it. I know there are bigger issues but right now I am feeling so sad about it.

The OP CHOSE the school because it judged the 4 year olds it let in. The OP wanted their children to only be surrounded by high achievers. Why would they then say “oh we hate that you judge 4 year olds”?!

sounds like a school for snobby parents-youre not bothered at all that they test people you just want all your kids there

Gosh! Who knew there was such a thing as a 4+ or even a 7+?
Sounds terrible pressure on young minds, when the emphasis at that age should be learning through play.

I can't even with this thread.

A 4+ is horrendous, honestly OP you must have known this was a risk when you chose this for your older two. I really have no words for how disgusting I think a 4+ is.

Imagine being told at 4 that you aren't good enough. Imagine a school writing you off at 4. What the hell kind of values must a school like that have?

I think she knows this…

So what’s the point of the thread?

I assume it’s to express what she’s said in the very first word of the title, which is ‘disappointment.’

This made me laugh out loud 🤣 (assuming you're referencing the thread from a few days ago!)

I agree with this. I think it’s teaching kids a terrible lesson tbh.. how will you explain this to the one who hasn’t got a place.. the truth is a horrible one and one they’re all far too young to understand.. maybe it’s better they don’t because it’s an exclusionary system

They wouldn't spend much time with their older siblings anyway, so let it go. I also also very anti 4 plus tests, 11 is ok, but at 4, it seems pointless.

If you decide to try again there is a prep course https://www.ivyeducation.co.uk/insights/how-to-navigate-4-assessments

But my understanding is that play based is best. If you’re doing private why not waldorf or montessori? She’d probably thrive and you could tell your kids you chose it because it’s healthier?

She is three. I do t know whether to laugh or cry.

Cry, I think.

this happened to someone we know. In that case they had two the same sex. They sent the second one to a different high achieving school and it has all been fine in the end actually though they were very annoyed. Can you get your girl into a fantastic girls school - personally I think that would really help with “why a different school” eg if the boys are at Alleyn’s can she go to jags.

it’s all madness and people are right we are kind of loony for signing up for it in the first place. Thankfully when this happened to our third kid (also summer born) the head let us have a resit and he made it in…

Disappointment in her 3 year old for not passing the assessment? Because she surely can’t be disappointed that the school enforced a selection process she always knew about and actively wanted when it worked for her other children?

Not me.

wtf?? 🤨

I also know it is a ridiculous age to try and assess.

So why the fuck would you put any of your children through that?

At 10, I was old enough to choose to take the 11+ and understand the risk of failing it. A three year old cannot make that choice and cannot be expected to absorb the psychological sequelae of failing the test. She hasn't failed, you've failed her and your other two children by burdening them with this kind of life-altering examination at such a young age.

You'd spend your money better putting your kids in state, paying for tutors when they get nearer to the 11+, and saving to cover the fees for the top-drawer selective secondaries you want to send them to.

Should be illegal

Take all three out and send them to a school that doesn’t assess four-year-olds. Problem solved, there’s no need to feel sad. The very existence of a 4+ test is honestly mind-boggling. I have a four-year-old, and the idea of someone effectively writing him off academically at that age is, to be frank, absurd.

As someone who’s dyslexic and didn’t learn to read until I was eight or nine, yet went on to achieve top grades and earn three degrees from leading universities, I’m extremely grateful I wasn’t judged or labelled as “not academically able” aged four.

Interesting that the boys got in but your daughter didn't. Perhaps says something about how the school views the sexes.

You could always delay her starting school by a year as a summer born. At having just turned 4yrs old before the start of school, it's just too young (I don't agree with July & August born being in the school year they are put in England). In NI July & August borns are the eldest in their year, not the youngest as the cut off is June.

But if you don't choose to delay her by a year, reassess when she's actually 4, to try again, her attending a different school probably won't affect her.

My youngest sibling went to a different primary & grammar school than me and our older sibling and it didn't affect any of us in any way.

Hi OP - I strongly agree with @SummerInSun .

I do think it’s wild that they’re doing this though. Our DC is also at a super selective prep and there has been quite a lot of movement due to VAT, especially at the end of the nursery year.

It is lucky that you’re DD is of a different sex to the elder two - you could put her in the local GDST whilst you wait for a place to transfer her over (for example).

Make sure she doesn’t know that she didn’t get a place first time round - and also that her siblings don’t know. That way you can try and frame her starting off at a different school as a parenting decision.

I would speak to the head first and be pretty firm, I would then look to find all 3 children places elsewhere if a place for your youngest is not forthcoming. I cannot actually believe they've done this and risked an established income stream.
I've known 1 lot of prep school parents kick off over common entrance "failures" moaning about what the hell was the point of spending all that money to the head and other parents and miraculously a place at the desired senior school suddenly became available. They had 3 DC at the school and I guess they were threatening to remove the younger 2, they had said they would to me. So it does happen and can be a successful tactic if you're tough enough to follow through. Obviously not quite the same problem you have but it's not that different.

good luck because it's an awful thing they've done to you and your DD

Although I can understand the unfortunate lure of academic selectivity, statistics indicate what is often being measured is age. Children who are older for their year group do better at getting into selective schools. Schools will often say they can compensate but it's hard to do. The effect lingers too. The chances of getting a place at Oxbridge are significantly higher for those with autumn birthdays.

The whole situation is sad and curiously astrological.

I also find this baffling. Given that no school could reliably tell whether a child was academically gifted aged 3 I always assumed this bizarre charade was basically an assessment to weed out DC with obvious SEN and to find out whether the parents are ‘our kind of people’ and likely to stump up the fees so given you already do that it’s very odd they don’t want a bird in the hand. I admit I have no useful advice just it’s made me even more confused about the weird and wonderful world of private school than I already was.