Disappointment our third child can’t join her siblings at the same school

[sopae]

We have two kids at a selective school in London. It is very competitive to get in to. Both kids sat the 4+ and have been there since reception and are doing really well. We have just found out that our third has not been accepted for reception next year. I am so sad that she can’t join her siblings.

I don’t blame the school, obviously they have to draw a line and we chose to put them all in for 4+. I also know it is a ridiculous age to try and assess. She won’t even be 4 until the summer and is developmentally a completely normal 3 year old. She can try again at 7+. But I am still heartbroken that she will have at least three years separate to the others, and her siblings are so disappointed too.

Anyone else have this experience and can help me put some perspective on it. I know there are bigger issues but right now I am feeling so sad about it.

Presumably confirming my theory that it is all bollocks…

The 11+ isn’t objective. It’s equally impossible to assess an 11 year old child and make predictions about their academic potential.

Wow. A prep course for an exam for a 3 year old. This is Orwellian

Imagine finding out you failed at three years old...

You shouldn’t have told all your DC about your youngest not getting into this school until you had explored all options.

Even if you get your youngest in by having a conversation with the Head, or threatening to take the others out, the older DC sound like they fully understand, and it could give your youngest DC self-esteem issues if reminded of “her failure” in future years.

Next time hold back on discussing big subjects like this with DC until all avenues have been exhausted.

Academic supremacy

The 4+?? I've heard it all now! Christ on a bike!

that selective at 4 is mad. My DD is a high academic achiever and at 3, she would have failed their test too. She didn’t really bloom until year 9. Thankfully she’s in a state school, as I’d hate her to be rejected age 4. My son is also a high achiever and when they both started school they were behind the kids who had attended the school nursery. That age means absolutely nothing. My daughter was in a special group of kids in year 1 who needed to catch up.

Exactly why I have never gone near selective schools. Making kids feel superior/inferior at such a young age and on top paying good money for their self-worth either damaged or artificially inflated seems a bad way to educate kids.

Right? It’s straight up insane. And also the first useful link when I was trying to see what the test was.

It is a crazy test.

I would withdraw, this isn't the kind of attitude I'd want instilled in my children. They'll all be happy still if they move, it won't hurt any of them. It also shows a worrying understanding of child development that is rather unimpressive.

Exactly
Absolutely ridiculous . I don’t know what some parents are thinking

In some circles it’s completely normal & parents panic about it hence oreo courses at 3 etc. But I agree very weird & potentially so damaging.

If the youngest does have to go to a different school how are you going to manage logistics of drop offs and pick ups at two different schools? Have you got a nanny/au pair who can do one while you do the other?

Firstly, please show your youngest lots of love and value. I didn’t get into a selective school and my dad gave me hell for it.

Are you even able to make pick up and drop off logistics work with 2 different primary schools? Maybe use this as a factor when you speak to the head and say you really don’t want to have to take your other 2 kids out of the school because of that.

If you need to move your other 2 kids out, then do it, they will be fine. But then are there spare school places in other local schools anyway?

This sort of happened to me / my siblings when we were little. The prep school me and DSIS1 went to was closing so DM needed to move us, I failed the exam for one school and they didn’t have space for DSIS2 so mum didn’t send us. The school we eventually went to had space for me and DSIS2 but not DSIS1 and DM said you take all of them or none of them, DSIS was the 25th child in her class (which was supposed to be capped at 24 - 12 boys / 12 girls). TBH failing the exam hasn’t bothered me, turns out I was dyslexic and the school we went to was much better at supporting us. I’d either threaten to move all of them (with the increase in costs they won’t want to lose kids in year as they are hard to replace) or send your DD to a girls prep.

I wish I’d not read that, it’s disturbing. 12 months preparation? If the child is uncomfortable or upset about being led away from its parents by a stranger, they’ve already failed?

Dear me. Is this some sort of ironic thread? Who CHOOSES to send their children to a school which insists on testing their children at age 4? Surely nobody chooses that?

Agreed - quite shocking reading isn’t it. Essentially, if your toddler shows normal attachment behaviour they’ve failed.

Completely agree .
i failed the 11+ . Had never seen a paper until I sat the thing in the 1970s (!) Can still remember some of the stupid questions ‘ Are ships heavier than water ?’ With the option to tick ‘Agree ? Yes / No / Somewhat ‘ .
To be answered at speed and no place to explain your reasoning . Had no idea many of the other candidates had been tutored .
Felt like a complete failure & because of the age at which I took it that feeling still lingers at some level .
Many years later I gave an 11+ paper to my dc to have a ‘go at ‘ at home . He was nonplused and ‘failed ‘ it by a huge margin .Showed him the ‘tricks ‘ inherent in answering the damn things and he aced the third paper he tried .
Terrible metric for assessing children . I would NEVER put my child into a school daft enough to have a 4 + . Especially if they are so indifferent of a sibling’s feelings . It shows they don’t have much interest in understanding individual kids nor how the brain works .

For those who haven’t come across 4plus assessments before - what the school is testing is not really academic ability (obviously not testable at that age!).

They’re testing confidence and compliance more than anything else: will this child agree to leave their mum behind, go off into a room with a stranger to do some colouring and games? Will the child then do those activities? How well will they follow instructions? Do they seem interested in what the teacher is saying?

When my eldest did it they asked him to draw a face but he was obsessed with helicopters at the time so drew that instead and voila! No super selective for him! They did say it was a pretty good helicopter, but the fact that he did his own thing instead of following instructions was the issue. I imagine he would have done his own thing in the games and other activities as well, he’s still pretty independent minded and would have hated that school tbh, we just didn’t know enough about the system to realise that at the time.

The way we explained those kind of tests to our kids was just saying the school has to meet them, to think about whether this is the right school for them. There was no element of “pass or fail” it was just that the kids saw various schools, met various teachers, and then mummy and daddy talked to all the schools and decided which one would be best for them.

It’s pretty common for sibling groups to be split up between different private schools depending on their test performance and what the parents think will work best for each individual child, one of the big advantages of private school is that you can be more particular/choosy from a range of different options.

But definitely worth the OP speaking to the school to see if they can get a place.

@DreadPirateLucy !!! He drew a creditable helicopter but didn't get into the school because he didn't draw a face? Dear lord! I wouldn't have wanted my children to go to such a draconian place. What about the total joy of individuality and living life as the person you are?

Do parents not consider who their children are? Do parents not consider allowing their children to blossom?.....I give up. This does my head in 🤢🤡

I actually think this could be a good thing. The good thing about them being so young is that they won't (or shouldn't unless you've made them aware of it) be aware of the competitive/ not making the grade angle and you can tell them, the school is just over subscribed so it doesn't need to affect your youngest's self esteem at all.

If your youngest is also a summer born it might be better for her self esteem in the long run to go somewhere a bit easier and more supportive for the first couple of years (whilst the age difference has the biggest impact) rather than struggling (purely due to developmental stage) initially.

In addition the youngest can have a tendency to be babied by older siblings and the older siblings can feel responsible for the youngest. Being in different settings will give them a chance to be individuals a bit more.

The major negative is logistics when you have to drop off and pick up from two different schools - only you know how difficult that is going to be, or if there is someone you can split it with.

Did someone say that the 11+ is objective? A glance at the demographic of kids at state selective schools disproves that instantly. Less obvious at private schools of course because the cohort is less diverse, but still there.

Why would a super selective school let in someone that failed the entrance exam just because their siblings passed? An entrance exam is an entrance exam and it’s super selective for a reason. Parents WANT the class to be filled only with pupils capable of passing the entrance exam.