Primary School punch - AIBU?

[MovingMad87]

DD is in Year 1 (6 years old). A few days ago, I got a call from her school saying she had been punched in the face by a boy in her class, leaving her with a bleeding nose. Awful.

The school explained that DD had been trying to stop this boy from grabbing her friend by the neck. She asked him to stop and told him he should apologise. In response, he punched her. The school suspended him for a day before half-term as a result.

This boy has a history of violent behaviour; scratching, kicking, and punching other children. The school is aware of the issue but as of now haven't really done anything about it.

A few weeks ago, I overheard DDs form tutor telling a parent that their child had a bad day. The teacher had bruises down her leg from being kicked by a different child. While that wasn't the same boy, it reinforced my growing concern that this level of violence is being normalised in the classroom. When I asked DD about it, she wasn't even particularly shocked; apparently, incidents like this happen all the time.

Now, I'm thinking I need to move my child to another school. Possibly private, but I'd rather explore good state school options first. I'll hear what the school has to say in the meeting, but for me, a punch in the face is a red line. A 6-year-old should not be dealing with this. Either the school removes this child, or we leave.

AIBU? Would you move your child?

@Takoneko So you think a child who hits someone hard enough to draw blood, or who strangles another child, shouldn't be punished? Despite the fact that strangulation can be life threatening?

The Restorative approach is based on what was long ago called the "no blame" approach, devised by Maines and Robinson to support a serious case of bullying they were asked to help with back in the 90s and then changed to "restorative justice" and then "restorative approach". It is in no way a get off lightly approach. It's about teaching children to take responsibility for their actions and using the power of the peer group to exert indirect pressure. When used correctly it has almost a 90 percent efficacy rate according to research. So I don't know why a whole school staff would have no faith unless it's being done incorrectly.

.https://socialna-akademija.si/joiningforces/category/joining-forces-to-combat-cyberbullying-in-schools/chapter-7/

https://tacklebullying.ie/restorative-approach-to-bullying-for-educators/#:~:text=The%20No%20Blame%20Approach%20attempts,they%20aim%20their%20bullying%20at.&text=The%20teacher%20should%20explain%20to,promote%20empathy%20among%20the%20group.

Whether or not the person is immediately isolated and punished in some way (of course they need to be) for their actions is separate from:

a) having professional curiosity about what it driving the child's behaviour - are they being exposed to violence? Do they have social understanding differences or sensory differences that make certain situations intolerable for them? Are they struggling with emotional regulation or impulsivity? Do they have appropriate parenting? These types of questions will inform how to support a student and make it less likely that they will perpetrate again, and

b) the need for a restorative approach in the medium term

These things are not mutually exclusive. You can both suspend a child for attacking someone AND try to work out why it happened and prevent it from happening again AND undergo restorative work as part of that process, particularly where the perpetrator is NT and there aren't obvious triggers around sensory/social/ regulation differences.

@MovingMad87 I hate to say this, but I now teach in an excellent, outstanding school, which is oversubscribed every year as it's just brilliant. Sadly violence is becoming more commonplace, even in a school like mine. I've been a teacher for 15 years, and see more violent behaviour now than ever in primary. Moving your child to another school is no guarantee that violence won't happen again. It's a horrible reality, but it's the truth. It happens even in the best state primaries. I know that isn't what you wanted to hear, but it's the unfortunate truth.

Without knowing the child, I have no idea if they should be punished.

In many cases a punishment will be wholly appropriate but punishments aren’t a solution to poor behaviour in themselves. Children have to face consequences for their actions, but that in itself won’t prevent the behaviour from happening again when you are dealing with children with underlying emotional, social or educational needs that are not being met. Moving the child to another school doesn’t solve the issue, you just end up with a rotation of poorly behaved children being moved around from one school to another in an area. No school really benefits and as the kids get older their issues only intensify, the more that they are destabilised and disengaged from education from being moved around from school to school.

Quite frankly, I’m tired of dealing with serious child protection cases or significant undiagnosed SEND issues involving kids whose previous schools (whether primary schools or other secondaries that have moved them on) have only ever treated them as a problem to be moved on to someone else. I’m going to step away from this thread. I think it’s hard not to get a bit emotional when you know the personal stories of children who struggle with regulating their behaviour.

The OP isn’t wrong to be upset that her child has been injured and to want to know what the school will be doing to keep her child safe. I don’t want to derail her thread further, as I realise we’ve strayed quite a bit from her original question.

That's very sad. And if I find that to be the case then it will have to be the private route.

It's pretty interesting.
I think violent children should not be in school until they can control their behavior and act without violence. Additionally, investigations into the root causes of their violent behavior should be completed, with responsible adults taking appropriate action. Otherwise, they will inevitably resort to violence against those they perceive as easy victims.
From my personal experience, schools don't punish violent behavior unless it escalates to extreme levels. As things stand, schools do very little to stop bullies because they are given endless chances to reform—while continuing to torment others. As a result, the victims of bullying are the ones forced to leave, whether by transferring to another school (private or state, sometimes miles from home), homeschooling, or doing what my DS2 did: persevering through their GCSEs despite the challenges and then leaving school for peaceful life.

Good old restorative justice! Where bullies and violent perpetrators get to directly hear how they've upset, hurt and destroyed people's lives!

And @DrRuthGalloway when the violent bully doesn't give a shit? Does it not with the crappy 'no blame' shtick just buy into the 'what you did is fiiiine .... you can do nothing wrong'....

Funnily enough it was that kind of response that made them change the name. "No blame" as a name met with hostility from people wanting vengeance doled out - and doesn't really capture the nuance of the approach.

Very few violent bullies give zero shits if all the peer group they want to hold social power over withdraw their approval. The whole point of restorative justice is to get the perp to amend their behaviour. And the evidence is that it works, almost 90 percent of the time.

Should say - they (restorative approaches) wouldn't really be used with a 6 year old anyway. You'd be looking at probably getting an external expert in to support analysis of causes and how best to prevent, plus immediate enhanced direct supervision and adaptations such as separate playtimes as a temporary measure.

I've been on both sides of this. One of my children was repeatedly assaulted at school by a child with SEN and after one shockingly violent attack I was incandescent and wanted the child expelled.
My youngest child is now the disruptive child with SEN. I am covered in bruises, my house is smashed up at least weekly, he runs home from school every single day so I've had to stop working. There have been suicide attempts at home and at school. He has assaulted staff while in meltdown. Until this term he had never assaulted children other than his siblings but inevitably it has now happened. I have begged and begged for expulsion so he can attend a setting better able to meet his needs and keep him and others safe. The school wont expel and all the literally dozens of professionals involved agree as there is no space at such a school.
I am genuinely fearful that he will take someone's life or his own when in meltdown. He is 7 years old.

This is so sad and incredibly hard. I'm very sorry to hear this and really hope your son gets the help he needs.

Please know I am 100% on your side but if that child has SEND then they can't just exclude him even if there are good reasons and it's in their policy. I'm a primary teacher and we've got a very violent child who shouldn't be in mainstream school. Unfortunately there are no other places for him and so we manage him as best we can. Strictly speaking he should have been excluded yesrs ago but he has an EHCP and we have to try and meet his needs.