Private school on relatively low income

[mummynoodle]

(This is not just another private v state debate - I've read many and don't think we need another!)

I'm wondering if anyone who has sent their DC(s) to private school (particularly prep/pre-prep, less so secondary) on a low/average salary can talk to me about their experiences?

DD is almost 4, so will be starting Reception in September. We have been looking at both state and indie schools, and we are very heavily leaning towards a pre-prep/prep school that we really love the look of. We're not keen on our state options, don't really feel like they suit DD and have only really liked one after visiting them which we feel she is unlikely to be offered a place as it is small (15 places offered) in a large town and we are not particularly close geographically.

We've spent hours going over the fees, the extra costs, every pro and con you can think of. We've factored in the increasing costs each year, lots of new uniform as she grows, sports equipments, music instruments etc. We can afford the private school but equally we are aware it is a lot of money to spend on our income (£25-30k each). For full transparency, we are separated and the plan is for myself and exDP to pay 45% each and my parents to pay 10%. We started putting money aside in Aug/Sept and have the first term's fees saved. We will not enrol her in the private school without at least one year's fees saved in advance as feel it would be silly to do so without a buffer to be kept in case of emergencies.

If you sent your DC to private school on an average salary, do you feel like you made the right decision? Did they stay in private education? What did you/your DC miss out on because you couldn't afford it?

OP, in terms of feeling left out:
I think it depends on the school.
A lot of private schools will have a mix of families. Some will be very well off, while for others the private fees might be a large investment. From what I see, I don’t think the kids know or care whether their play date is at a mansion or a two bed flat, as long as they see their friends. Maybe that changes as they grow older.
Is the school you are thinking of in an area where you get a decent mix?

Young children may not judge but be aware that parents often do. Make sure you're thick skinned enough for it not to bother you.

We considered private primary for DS before dismissing the idea. Went to 5 of them. The first question the kids asked me during open days (for year 1!!) was what kind of car I drove. Don’t think for a second that kids don’t care. They absolutely will.

Absolutely, whenever I go to DS’s school I am at once surrounded by small children asking to inspect my car keys . I don’t mind but when one 5 year old asked for a copy of my latest bank statement I thought it was a bit much

TBH I would worry if she felt a little like things are struggle and not fair compared to some of her wealthier peers. We decided not to send our dc to British private until perhaps secondary, even though my DH makes well over 100K. We live in London though, so cost of living is very high. Anyway, even thought my dh makes a high salary, we still feel it when living in London where you see many wealthy spending loads on ski/beach holidays every chance they get. A lot of the kids from private schools go on holidays every single break. I know this because my sister does this, her children go to private school, most of their friends do this. They are literally never here the second school is out because they are forever going on holidays...even the ENTIRE summer. If you were going to send them to private, I would wait until at least 7. You can support her at home the early years.

Sounds very precarious and a little unnecessary. Being the poor kid sucks as well.

Perhaps go state for primary then consider options at secondary.

Definitely definitely try to apply for a bursary! Your never know if you don’t try.

Sure but then compare those to the problems she might have at the state shool. Nothing is perfect but a good education is a good education.

I would think about how your child will make the transition to state secondary school if there is not money ti finance this.

We've done a lot of soul searching about this one as private would be a stretch for us but our local state schools aren't exactly great.

Out of my friends, the two who have had the most expensive educations are both now in jobs that don't require high levels of academic achievement, and could been accessed through apprenticeships/tertiary training after school (think electrician type jobs). Both doing roles which undoubtedly suit them, and contribut far more to society than banking/law type roles, but neither of them will really see a financial return on their parents' investement of 13 years of private school each.

A key question for me in our thought process has been "how would I feel if I scrimped and saved, and my kids went into vocational roles?". Not so much that there is anything unworthy about the job, more, if private school is a big stretch, would we put inadvertent pressure on the kids to go into the "old professions" as being the right path, rather than letting them become their own people and turning into plumbers, electricians nursery practitioners etc if that's where they are supposed to be?

For me it's mean that save for a lottery win, sticking with state school but spending more money on other things seems a better fit for us. We can afford private music lessons, subject tutors, sports clubs etc to give them a rounded life experience. We can also afford holidays etc. And most importantly, we'll never have the potential to feel frustrated at the years of scrimping, saving and going without to stretch our finances to cover their school fees if they drop out at 17 and become full time eco campaigners.

@Canyousewcushions
Do you know how much GDP is earned by banking and law? Never mind the tax revenues paid! All jobs make a contribution to society in one way or another. Not all Dc at private schools are very clever either so why shouldn’t they do average jobs? It’s important to value all contributions to society and understand that banking and finance probably manages your pension fund.

OP: You do not earn enough. Bursaries for 4 year olds are rare. Just look again at the state schools. Few are poor. Of course you like the private schools but can you honestly afford private for years? Plus relying on grandparents can be dodgy. Your Dc will miss out on other things and the will notice this eventually. It’s a very expensive treadmill. I would not dismiss state schools quite so readily. You also need to look at progress at the state schools and what Dc are able to do in ks2. YR is a starting point but not the whole picture.

I’m sure someone will be along to give an extremely rare example of a 4 year old who has a bursary (sibling of a pupil etc) but schools are not known for wanting to give bursaries away in Reception. They are rare anyway in primary but they do exist generally in upper years where there has been a change in circumstance for current pupil or there is an extremely bright pupil who will
benefit and go into the upper school.

I know it isn’t your question but you cannot afford private all the way through as your circumstance currently stand. Use the local school (send a packed lunch if catering is really an issue) and review at the earliest in Y3.

We earn 130k between us. We have one child at prep school and feel the pinch tbh.

As I'm sure others have mentioned, the uniform is really expensive plus all the branded sports kit. The terms are shorter so more money spent on holiday care. The schools wrap around care is excellent but again it's expensive. Ours does 4 days in after school clubs due to us both working - again, more money!

The school is 20 min drive away so there's the petrol costs of commuting etc.

Honestly on your salaries there is no way we could do it. We are also contemplating how we will afford senior school and think grammar would be a better financial option but of course, no guarantee they will get in.

The benefits are worth it imo and we love the school as does our child. However It really is a massive commitment and once you're in it, you don't want to come out.

Send your dc to state school and use the extra money saved for tutoring and extra curricular activities. Kids in private schools also do loads of extracurricular activities it all costs money.

I have 3 kids and they are all doing so much. You do not realise this now because at 4 they might not want to do much outside activities. As they get older and want to, you will have to say no.

dd1 - newspaper club, tennis, gymnastics, netball three times a week, acting class, art class, 11+ tutoring two hours weekly, AND she is asking for ballet!!! 😳😳

ds1 - tennis, football twice a week, table tennis class, rugby, golf, cricket. And he would like to try piano!

dd2 - she is only 2 but does ballet and play ball.

As they get older, they will ask to do more things. Perhaps some they can do at school (I assume at an extra cost!). But some outside of school. Will your dd be okay just to go to private school, but not do the many extra activities that she sees her wealthier peers doing? Atm our older two are in state school and youngest a private nursery. If we send our eldest to private secondary, which we might have to, I even worry that we will feel it. And my dh salary is over 150k 😳

It boggles my mind how some people can be so wealthy to send 3-4 kids to private school, plus all the activities and holidays!! Wish we could win the euro millions!!

Some rough calculations for those who can’t seem to understand that I am not being ridiculous, yet I am quite sure that this is affordable:

I earn just over 30k and DDs Dad earns just under 25k (was being lazy with my 25-30k estimate).

I take home 2300
All of my bills come to about 1100
My share of school fees 400
This leaves 800 for food (£30-£35 a week), fuel (£150 a month, probably actually less when she starts school) and the rest is spare
I only work 4 days a week, for childcare reasons. Will probably go to 5 days when DD starts school, so that will boost income quite a bit!

This time a year ago I was taking home £800/month as an Apprentice and I have plenty of room to continue growing in my role.

DDs Dad takes home roughly 1700 and has no rent/mortgage costs, so just pays utilities/council tax/food etc, hence why I’m not too concerned about us being two separate households/him being able to pay.

Yep, I know it gets more expensive throughout the years.

Thank you so much to everyone who has answered my question re/ DD feeling left out, I really appreciate it! We have a lot to think about over the next couple of months.

Can you continue with that level of expenditure? Your bills are incredibly cheap and I have no idea how you feed yourself and a child for £35 a week! Could your ex's home life change and he ends up renting or taking on a mortgage?

I think your food bills will climb significantly and you don't mention a mortgage? or rent?

£35 a week for food might be dandy when she's four but not so much when she's 14. In general four year olds are cheap to feed and clothe. And entertain.

I've got two teenagers and they eat like horses and I have to drive them all over the place for their sports and provide all of the equipment. This weekend I drove an hour and a half each way for her to race for 8.36 seconds. Because that's what happens when they do all of these extra curriculars. They get good at them!

Then there's all the other stuff teenagers 'need' like laptops and trips to the Belgian battlefields.

£2300 take home pay sounds very high for a gross salary.

So I guess that you are not paying any pension, which I would definitely prioritise ahead of private school fees. Life insurance as well, if you don't have that.

Wow, 35 a week for food?! We pay that daily…3k a month disappears for us on day to day living. This doesn’t include bills or mortgage 😳 food prices will most likely go up for you once your dd is older.

Those bills don’t indicate you have a life! Holidays? Car replacement etc. with inflation your budget is ridiculous. What if ex finds someone else? Your long term planning is dodgy! So say the least.

Honestly you don’t need to go private for your child to do well in life (doctor / lawyer etc)

I think moving schools is quite traumatic for a child, so I would only consider private school if I knew 100% (or as near to!) that I could pay for the entirity of their years at primary/ secondary.

OP I don't think that is the case for you from what you have said.

In your position, I would go for the state school.

Your financial situation has been commented on. But my experience of three different private schools is there are a variety of economic backgrounds that send their kids private - families like yours, those on a bursery, those whose grandparents cover the cost, as well as more affluent families. My daughter is at a private school in Belgravia and most of the girls WALK to school - that will give you an idea of their wealth! She takes a train in from zone 3. Her only complaint is they get an extra half hour in bed!

For my DC smaller class sizes have made a massive difference and they get breaktime snacks and hot lunches and a wide choice of activities. We have made many sacrifices (holidays etc) but feel it is worth it. There are many other families in a similar situation at the school.