My son is going to private school and I feel weird when people ask me where he's going

[Bluueberrryy]

Son is starting school this September. When I chat to other mums in the parks or softplay etc we end up chatting about them starting school soon and inevitably someone asks 'whereabouts is he going?'

I always feel awkward like I'd be bragging, but then weird if I lied.

I'm from a lower middle class background and went to a state comprehensive where success and doing well was something to take the piss out of. Perhaps that's made me weird about this.

Anyone else?

West midlands

OK - let’s say £11k and a generous third off as a sibling discount which is a total of £7700. That’s £18700 or £1558 per month. That leaves £2k per month for 4 for school activities and trips (not included in the basic fees) plus all bills and living expenses. Doable, I suppose - if your mortgage and other outgoings are minimal.

off topic but both my kids were in private primaries and we’ve pulled both out and put them in lovely local village state school.

depending on the child, private primaries are a huge waste of money.

all our old friends who’s kids are still in those private schools are now all paying for weekly tutoring on top to ensure their precious Hilarias and Henriettas bag all the grammar school/11+ places (currently Y4). It’s simply insane.

meanwhile at the local state primary kids are oblivious to this pressure and 100% happier for it

each to their own but I’d never go back

And yes near us a private primary place for a child for the year is £27k before extras.

Private preps are not all same though are they? Prepping for Eton is very different from other little private preps with no particular destination school in mind.

Well if it's one of the lower tier ones op has even less reason for her faux embarrassment.

I also felt a bit odd in the beginning telling folk our DC's went to a different school (not a private school - but not the usual local schools either) Its not private but it has that vibe (I went to a private school) The school performs way better academically and is smaller than our local schools. I felt a bit like I was dissing the local schools with our choice of sending them elsewhere. I no longer elaborate unless someone asks specifically but I no longer feel awkward either. Its a very British thing to be embarrassed about a choice we've made, if it is very different from the norm or involves money. Try and be positive - just tell parents very matter of factly, and don't elaborate/make excuses in the first breath. They don't need to know any more information than the name of the school.

My child was at the local state school where it was 99% white and by year 3 he had been called racist names, physically assaulted and told his clothes looked like they came from a charity shop. Meanwhile his new private school is over 50% not white and no one bats an eyelid what brand your trainers, no one gets away with hitting multiple children and nothing being done about it and no one gets away with going round calling everyone gay all the time which seemed to be very common at the state primary by half of his class.
Someone tell me the benefits of my child having a more "well rounded" social experience?

Also love to know if all private schools didn't exist how the government would manage to educate all the pupils that suddenly joined the state system.

We are doing everyone a favour by keeping our kids out of state and stretching the state system even less than it currently is surely!!😆

Ahh yes, the old ‘I’m sending my child to private school solely for altruistic reasons’. No-one is fooled.

I’m sorry that you had this experience in one state school and as a result are now tarring all state schools with the same brush. My DF’s son went to private school and was bullied horribly - the school did nothing about it. Ergo, all private schools are awful and do not provide a well rounded social experience. (I’m being facetious - of course it doesn’t mean that).

There were massive issues with racism in the private boys' school near us - it caused quite a stir locally because it was very poorly handled by the school. Sadly, such problems can occur in any school, and not all schools will be effective at dealing with the issues.

My dd (mixed race) did report some issues that she had witnessed in her state secondary school, and we were impressed with how promptly and thoroughly they were addressed by the school.

So much depends on the leadership, which can be good or bad in both private and state.

Someone upthread said they didn’t much like it when private school parents were smug. However, there are plenty of smug parents in the state sector. You have access to a lovely, local, village state school - that’s super. I don’t.

I often meet people with large houses in nice areas who send their children to the local, oversubscribed state schools and congratulate themselves on their virtuosity.

Children who go to private school are just children whose parents have made a given choice. Calling them “precious Hilarias and Henriettas” is no better than someone disparaging children in the state sector. Inverted snobbery is still snobbery.

Yep, there are smug parents in the state sector too. I don't like them much either!

Me neither. Has anyone on here said they admire smugness?

I want to say you should be proud of you (that you can keep your lovely kid in this kind of school) and of your clever kid who passed the assessment into this school.

@rujik2
A good many private preps have fairly low entrance standards. Anyone with the money can get a place. Being proud for earning enough to have money spare? Not sure about this really.

Do I get boasting rights because my dd is clever enough to do brilliantly without a fancy school?

Or should I be hanging my head in shame because I haven't chosen to send her to one, despite being able to afford it?!

There's no assumption here that the child is clever or the school does any kind of academic selection at all.
Both those things may apply, but not necessarily.
Especially since so many schools seem to be doing it on the cheap!

This child is three or four. He hasn’t started school yet - we don’t know how academic he’ll be.

It really doesn't matter how academic he is anyway. It's completely irrelevant.

I would feel embarrassed but this is due to my working class roots. I have strong views around social inequality and private schools don’t sit right with me. I’ve always refused to work in them too.

I know that’s silly to some but you can’t help how you feel.

Of course we don't. But it's completely irrelevant anyway.

@Mumwantingtogetitright
You, like many others, seem to think all private primaries or preps are the same. They are not. Within just 10 miles of where I live, there are big differences in what these schools do and massive differences in who uses them. Big differences in fees and facilities too. You pay for the best.

There are little haven schools for “delicate” DC whose parents erroneously think they won’t cope anywhere else. Small schools with few sport, art, science or music facilities. Or much else. State schools are invariably better because no parents live near a poor school.

There’s the 11 plus crammers. Lots in them get the 11 plus which is the goal. Others will go to the secondary moderns. Money well spent for some but average facilities in my view. You pay to run shoulders with similarly ambitious parents. A couple of preps have DC aspiring to Eton and Wycombe Abbey. These schools are completely different from the others. They take DC to 13 and their pupils get scholarships to schools costing £40,000 a year. Nearly all DC will go to private post 13 and parents budget for this. There are few parents scraping fees together. They have planned what DC will do for years or they go to parents’ former schools. By and large people sort out what they want, what they can afford and choose a prep where DC will get what they need to progress. Those that have not so bright DC and not enough money go to the secondary moderns. At the top preps that is 0, at the others, quite a lot!

What on earth gives you the idea that I think all private schools are the same? I am well aware that they're not, but I'm not really sure what it has to do with the rest of the discussion here?

The fact that you dismiss them en mass does rather suggest you think they’re all the same.

You (one) choose the school that’s the right fit for your child.

For some that might be the local state. For others, it might be a different school. For some families, it’s one school for one, and a different school for another.

To steadfast post on this thread that ‘private schools are not worth the money, and my DC didn’t need one’ very much reads as though you think they’re all the same.