5 year old wasn't in the assembly today im so angry right now am I overthinking this???

[lambran]

Today was the 1st assembly since covid where the parents were allowed into watch, my son is 5 in year 1 of a mainstream school and has global developmental delay and is immature for his age im fully aware of the issues he has but he was so looking forward to the assembly and was even picked to tell a joke to the parents for comic relief day so the teacher told me.

The assembly started his not anywhere to be seen, I sat for an hour so disheartened wondering why he wasn't there, I asked at pick up to his teacher (with myself in tears on the playground ) why wasn't he involved and was told he got really upset before it started and they couldn't calm him down and so didnt take him in (she said they was going to try and get him to come in half way) but never did even though his teacher did leave half way through i think to get him and he said to her he wanted to stay with the TA doing drawing.
I said to the teacher but surely that's never going to give him the opportunity to get involved if you don't push him into it. Words were said I can't fully remember what now I was very teary and its always a rush when you do pick up.

When he came out of school his told me straight away "mummy I wasn't in the assembly" and he told me in his own little way that he got upset because- he wanted to do one of his jokes-(its not very funny i admit but its funny to him) and he made it up with such joyment this morning using his imagination and he wrote it out him self with wondeful writing and the teacher said no and he had to do his other joke(though he also made it up, made more sense and was funny)

Im so disappointed and angry his been excluded 😭 he does get upset very easily i understand but if he stopped crying by the a few minutes later than surely they should have said right you've calmed down so let's go in now or they could have put him in by their side and if he didn't stop crying then take him out or even got me to see if I could calm him down or even told me so I didn't sit for a hour getting worked up why he wasn't there.

Am I thinking to much into this ive cried so many tears this evening?
I just want him to be included and not sidelined out I know his different to the other kids but his still my loving little boy

I cant help but think they wouldn't allow him in because they only wanted the sitting quietly still children to show off the school. If parents weren't there he would normally go to assembly

Thanks for reading

Oh that’s so sad for him. I’m sorry op, no advice just sympathy.

Oh I understand why you feel the way you do
But it doesn't sound like they did it because they only wanted the quiet children or anything like that
I'm sorry it's turned out this way. From the sounds of it I don't think they thought you'd be this upset and I think they probably thought they were doing the right thing and didn't anticipate you feeling like this

Is it worth having another conversation with the teacher to find out what happened?
Also, for next time, perhaps you can ask to be there for the prep to help calm him down if needed?

Youve done a lot of crying today. And in front of your son who you said is easily upset. Hoe did he react to that?

Why were you crying so much? That’s quite an overreaction, I hope your DS didn’t see. Sounds like they kept him out of it as he was too upset to do it. Quite sensible really.

To be honest and I say this gently as a parent of a child with SN I think you are being unreasonable. He was tearful, he didn’t want to say the part he was given and when given the chance to go in after he had calmed down he said he didn’t want to.
I don’t think the teacher should have pushed him into knowing he might get upset again in front of everyone.
In their defence herding 30 kids through an assembly is quite an operation so it’s a bit unfair to give the teacher a hard time.

Oh I’m sorry, that sounds so sad. My DS is also (nearly) 5 and we feel every injustice with every fibre of our being. It’s so hard to not be emotional about this, I’d feel the same as you. I can sort of understand the teachers point of view, as I can yours. Did he manage to tell you why he was upset before going in to the assembly and why he wanted to keep drawing with the TA instead of going in?

Was your son upset afterwards about not being involved?

@TracyMosby

Youve done a lot of crying today. And in front of your son who you said is easily upset. Hoe did he react to that?

It was just before I saw him I was in tears. When I saw him I managed to contain my self get my eldest and leave. Then started crying when I got home and talking about it to the husband, my son didn't even bat an eyelid as to why I was so sad, again very typical of him he doesn't show sympathy to others when there sad

He wasn't excluded - he got very upset and couldn't be calmed. The teacher had to make a judgement about whether it was in the best interests of a sobbing 5 year old to force him to perform in an assembly when he didn't want to and she decided it wasn't.

Maybe speak to the teacher about what you think would benefit him most next time there is a performance - could you come in beforehand and be available to calm him or persuade him to go on?

@spotcheck

Is it worth having another conversation with the teacher to find out what happened? Also, for next time, perhaps you can ask to be there for the prep to help calm him down if needed?

Thanks yes I plan on doing this on Monday incase his story of events doesn't quite add up. You never know and really to find out what happend

I can understand your disappointment at not seeing him but how on earth would it have been right to force him in there? You're too emotional and not thinking clearly here. Without wanting to sound unkind, you need to get some perspective.

Sorry but I don't think they have done anything wrong here.

He became overwhelmed and unable to calm down. They removed him from a situation that was causing him distress.

I understand your disappointment but your reaction is massively over the top.

So you would have rather they forced your child to do something he said himself he didn't want to do? There is plenty of time to teaching resilience etc, when he is 5 isn't it.

Sorry you're so upset about your little boy missing out on the assembly. It must have been horrible for you to sit there, worried about him for the hour.

From the sounds of things, the staff supported him to calm down and suggested he could go back into the assembly but he chose to stay where he felt calm and happy; doing drawing. Personally, I would try to view the incident as needing some improvement on the communication side of things e.g. letting you know he had decided the assembly was too much for him earlier on, but being pleased he's at a school where they are able to listen to him, hear him and meet his need to feel safe.

Assemblies with parents can be overwhelming for lots of children; they're a very different experience from assemblies without parents there. I've worked with lots of primary children who find this sort of thing too much and so we look at how we can make it work for the child concerned. That often won't be making a distraught, overwhelmed child perform in front of a massive audience - even the ones who are excited about the idea can find the reality too much. Perhaps this is something you and school can work on together by finding an alternative way for you to see him sharing his joke whether that's by you attending a dress rehearsal of future assemblies (no other audience or parents) or him being allowed to tell his joke in a school-only assembly next week but it being videoed for you.

We wouldn't send any child who was crying and upset into assembly, regardless of if they were normally the quiet ones or not.

It sounds like once he'd calmed down they gave him the option. He choose not to go into the hall and to stay with the TA. The teacher could have insisted but that would have risked a now settled child becoming upset again, something the teacher was unlikely to risk especially when there is a hall full of parents watching. Many parents would be distressed to have their upset child forced to come into the hall with everyone else present. So I suspect the teacher thought they were doing the right thing.

Ideally they could have told you so you could decide to leave if he wasn't coming it. However, I suspect the teacher was more focused in the assembly, ensuring those in the hall were in the right place, doing the right thing at the right time, etc.

IME class assemblies in front of parents, and especially the first time in nearly two years, probably with children who can't actually remember ever doing it before, are stressful.

If my son had had a wobbler (also sen) prior to an assembly I wouldnt want school to force him in either I’m sorry I know you’re sad but this is about what’s best for your 5 year old. Like my son, you may never see him stand up in assembly on his own but school sounds good and they were meeting his needs at the time. Perhaps you need to adjust your expectations a bit. Yes you looked forward to it but he just wasn’t in a place he could deliver his joke. It’s so difficult when you see the other kids doing it, totally get that my son is almost 11 and it breaks my heart sometimes but I now focus on what he can do and lots of positivity

@Overthebow

Why were you crying so much? That’s quite an overreaction, I hope your DS didn’t see. Sounds like they kept him out of it as he was too upset to do it. Quite sensible really.

Belive me if you was to experience what I've gone through with him . You'd be emotional the littlest of things like seeing him in an assembly means the world to me seeing how he reacts with others and how he can be around his peers is all I want to see and yet again didn't get the opportunity. same as other events

I'm sorry OP but to me it seems you are being unreasonable and very emotional!

He's a little 5 year old who didn't want to go up in front of everyone and say the line he was given. He got upset. I would have been pretty annoyed if they had forced him to go out if it was my son and he'd been upset and didnt want to, he's five years old! There will be plenty more assemblies.

I don't understand why you were crying so much. Is something else going on? Hope you're ok.

I think school did the right thing. How would you have reacted if they had brought him crying into assembly?

Sounds like an over reaction. He was offered a role in assembly, but got upset and didn’t want to do it.

What should school have done-dragged him to the assembly crying? Then you’d be complaining! I feel so sorry for schools.

I think OP probably is emotional
I'm going to guess she can also see what we're saying on some level
But when it's just happened it's the emotions that take over till we calm down and see it more logically

I understand you're upset but I think it is a lot easier as a parent to encourage/push your child to do something that they are unsure about than it is for a teacher. You would have known what to say and how to handle the situation but they may have been worried about upsetting him further

@Gobrookeyourself

Oh I’m sorry, that sounds so sad. My DS is also (nearly) 5 and we feel every injustice with every fibre of our being. It’s so hard to not be emotional about this, I’d feel the same as you. I can sort of understand the teachers point of view, as I can yours. Did he manage to tell you why he was upset before going in to the assembly and why he wanted to keep drawing with the TA instead of going in?

Its so hard and maybe I am too emotional, he got upset because he wanted to tell a certain joke he made it up and he got told no he had to do his other joke he made up the one that was funny-or thats what his told me

And he told me he wanted to finish drawing a map with the TA

OP I get it completely I have it with my own dd on a daily basis, the disappointment from her that she's not like the other children is heartbreaking. Ignore the posters who are querying why you are upset. They clearly have never had to deal with this sort of thing.