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Original poster

5 year old wasn't in the assembly today im so angry right now am I overthinking this???

228 replies

lambran · 18/03/2022 22:33

Today was the 1st assembly since covid where the parents were allowed into watch, my son is 5 in year 1 of a mainstream school and has global developmental delay and is immature for his age im fully aware of the issues he has but he was so looking forward to the assembly and was even picked to tell a joke to the parents for comic relief day so the teacher told me.

The assembly started his not anywhere to be seen, I sat for an hour so disheartened wondering why he wasn't there, I asked at pick up to his teacher (with myself in tears on the playground ) why wasn't he involved and was told he got really upset before it started and they couldn't calm him down and so didnt take him in (she said they was going to try and get him to come in half way) but never did even though his teacher did leave half way through i think to get him and he said to her he wanted to stay with the TA doing drawing.
I said to the teacher but surely that's never going to give him the opportunity to get involved if you don't push him into it. Words were said I can't fully remember what now I was very teary and its always a rush when you do pick up.

When he came out of school his told me straight away "mummy I wasn't in the assembly" and he told me in his own little way that he got upset because- he wanted to do one of his jokes-(its not very funny i admit but its funny to him) and he made it up with such joyment this morning using his imagination and he wrote it out him self with wondeful writing and the teacher said no and he had to do his other joke(though he also made it up, made more sense and was funny)

Im so disappointed and angry his been excluded 😭 he does get upset very easily i understand but if he stopped crying by the a few minutes later than surely they should have said right you've calmed down so let's go in now or they could have put him in by their side and if he didn't stop crying then take him out or even got me to see if I could calm him down or even told me so I didn't sit for a hour getting worked up why he wasn't there.

Am I thinking to much into this ive cried so many tears this evening?
I just want him to be included and not sidelined out I know his different to the other kids but his still my loving little boy

I cant help but think they wouldn't allow him in because they only wanted the sitting quietly still children to show off the school. If parents weren't there he would normally go to assembly

Thanks for reading

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gamerchick · 19/03/2022 11:47

To be honest and I say this gently as a parent of a child with SN I think you are being unreasonable. He was tearful, he didn’t want to say the part he was given and when given the chance to go in after he had calmed down he said he didn’t want

This. I also have a kid with SN and I wouldn't have let him get his hopes up by encouraging a change in lines before he took him to school. I understand it means loads to you though.

itsgettingweird · 19/03/2022 11:49

He wasn't excluded.

He couldn't manage the demands of the assembly and when they thought he was ready to try he said he wasn't.

How would you feel if someone forced you to do something you didn't want to do?

Stop looking at what your ds is struggling with and how you can force him to fit into your idea of what he should be doing.

Start looking at helping him learn to develop the skills and communication needed to be able to feel comfortable to push himself a little out of his comfort zone.

My own autistic ds wouldn't have managed an assembly at 5. He wouldn't managed one at 10 that involved getting up in front of a whole group of strangers and talking.

At 17 he's been teaching coding classes at his college because he's more able than the lecturers. It's been a long journey but it's been a journey we've taken with his best interests at heart the whole way - not one where I've allowed anyone to put their idea of what he should be doing above his best interests and developmental level.

It's tough accepting your child has send and is different.

But different doesn't mean wrong. And not being able to cope and having those needs recognised doesn't mean excluded.

He'll forge his own path in life like we all do. Thanks

bellac11 · 19/03/2022 11:56

@CarbonelCat

I think the flip of this could have been a post about how unreasonable the school were to a) force an unwilling/upset child to come into the hall and cry publicly throughout an assembly when he had clearly stated he didn't want to take part b) allowed him to stand up and tell a joke that made no sense and wasn't funny, thereby exposing him to possible ridicule/no one laughing etc.

I completely understand your disappointment but that's separate to the school's part in this.

I think this is the thing that other people are missing, this isnt about 'he isnt normal' (which is why the OP says shes upset)

A child wanted to do something, that school for whatever reason didnt want/feel appropriate to do, told he couldnt do it, got upset (entirely normal) and so couldnt go on the stage

Its a normal situation that happens everyday with children who are and are not SEN

Macaroni46 · 19/03/2022 13:30

@WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe actually a crying distressed child could put off the other children for several reasons. My class would be very upset to see a peer distressed. Others would be distracted from saying their lines. Others who would also be feeling anxious but trying to push through would be tipped over to not being able to perform themselves.
As stated before, the needs of one child do not trump all the others. It's a balancing act.

PeacefulPrune · 19/03/2022 13:35

I said to the teacher but surely that's never going to give him the opportunity to get involved if you don't push him into it.

I don't think any child should be pushed into something. Even it means they do the thing it takes away their autonomy and this can be so damaging. It knocks their ability to take control of their life.

LBFseBrom · 19/03/2022 13:37

I do feel sorry for you, lambran and hope you are feeling better about it now.

However I don't think the teachers did anything wrong, on the contrary they tried to soothe your son but no way would it have been right to push him.

Please leave yesterday behind, there will be other times in the future, honestly.

implantreplace · 19/03/2022 14:03

* Words were said I can't fully remember what now*

It happened a few hours previously? Confused

bellac11 · 19/03/2022 14:12

@implantreplace

* Words were said I can't fully remember what now*

It happened a few hours previously? Confused

Yes this is a concern, it sounds as if OPs emotional management is quite chaotic which wont be very supportive for her child to also learn how to self regulate, particularly if he has needs which make that even harder than the average child.

Feelings seem to have turned into something over recent years which are set in stone. In fact they are very unreliable, are not always valid and while its ok that we 'feel' them, it doesnt mean that everyone else has to act on what we feel.

implantreplace · 19/03/2022 14:15

I think the fact the op can’t remember what was said a few hours is more to do with fact that she knows that what she said was in an unreasonable tone and confrontational in content

So “forgetting” is convenient to her interpretation of events

bellac11 · 19/03/2022 14:17

@implantreplace

I think the fact the op can’t remember what was said a few hours is more to do with fact that she knows that what she said was in an unreasonable tone and confrontational in content

So “forgetting” is convenient to her interpretation of events

Yes I see what you mean.
JustOneCornett0 · 19/03/2022 14:39

Something similar happened to me too and I was really upset. I can understand. My child wasn't upset but just wasn't brought in. I sat and watched a pile of kids for an hour with no idea where my
Child was. I was gutted and ready to cry. I was asked in work how it went and just managed to keep it together.

JustOneCornett0 · 19/03/2022 14:39

My child has SEN too. Previous occasions have had him put at the back in case he, with his needs, is seen to mess up an important production. These things are very upsetting.

Hellocatshome · 19/03/2022 14:43

Something similar happened to me too and I was really upset. I can understand. My child wasn't upset but just wasn't brought in. I sat and watched a pile of kids for an hour with no idea where my
Child was. I was gutted and ready to cry. I was asked in work how it went and just managed to keep it together.

That's not really similar though is it? OPs child did not want to take part and wasn't forced to. He wasn't left out he had a part. I'm sorry for how your son was treated.

HazeyjaneIII · 19/03/2022 14:43

My DN has similar to your LO and he is 6. He can't go on school trips as he is a very real flight risk and the teacher was up front and explained to my sister that she worries about him every play time, never mind walking around a busy seaside resort. So my sister took the hint and decided to keep him away from school trips for his own safety (and her and the teachers sanity).
Heavens, I think that is actually pretty awful.

jessy100 · 19/03/2022 14:53

The op.has disappeared. Seems to happen a lot when they don't. get the answers they like!

Notonthestairs · 19/03/2022 14:56

Well what they need to do now is have a plan.

Child can maybe practice standing with teacher at the front of class - maybe give out worksheets sort of thing. And then maybe join in a normal school assembly (hand out gold stars of whatever happens at the end of the week) and then build up to be given a line - DD was asked to end the school prayer with Amen! (She shouted it!)

Essentially slowly over time build the child up to enjoy those sorts of events or pick out the aspects he/she does enjoy about them and work on them. Sometimes just introducing the class is enough - "Here is Yr 4's play." And then they are offered a safe seat nearby and a fiddle toy.

DD's teachers arranged this and by Yr 6 she could read 3/4 lines to a whole school and parents assembly. I cried and so did staff and other parents! But it needs a gentle, thoughtful plan.

bellac11 · 19/03/2022 15:22

@JustOneCornett0

My child has SEN too. Previous occasions have had him put at the back in case he, with his needs, is seen to mess up an important production. These things are very upsetting.
This isnt about her son having SN though, he became upset at being asked to do something different to what he wanted to do (not unusual for a 5 year old, there will likely have been others), he then calmed down and by then was happy drawing his map so said he didnt want to go on stage

His SN in this situation are irrelevant.

lborgia · 19/03/2022 20:14

@jessy100 - that's a bit harsh.

It's a bit difficult when so many people hold up a mirror to our own behaviour, especially when most of it comes with kindness and experience.

@bellac11 - justones example is not what this is about, but having a child with SEN is absolutely relevant. It completely changes everything in the way you perceive your child, the school, and your own role. I can't believe you would think that.

Lalliella · 19/03/2022 20:37

Why did they not let him wear a fairy dress on the other occasion?

Abraxan · 20/03/2022 09:47

[quote lollipoprainbow]@Macaroni46 yes of course the NT children must always come first. [/quote]
No one has said that at all. However, in a class there is usually 30 children to 1 or 2 adults.in my experience each class will have more than one child with additional needs which need managing, alongside several other NT children. I haven't yet taught an infant school class with only 1 child with send or other additional needs, many undiagnosed.

The needs of the OP's child were being met.

He was being looked after and helped to remain calm, with the TA (we don't know that this TA was the child's 1:1 or a class TA, but my experience with 5y is few children actually have a 1:1 at that stage, especially right now due to delays caused by covid, so most likely the TA who is there for the whole class) focused entirely on meeting the immediate needs of that one child.

The child was given autonomy over their own feelings and actions. They were given the choice to join the assembly at a later stage but chose not to. The teacher and TA allowed the child to be listened to and make that decision. This is meeting the child's need at the time.

Unless a 1:1 TA then that person is actually there to meet the needs of 30 children, not just one. However, due to the immediate issues, the TA did focus putting the child first. They definitely didn't out the needs of the other NT children first in this situation.

Abraxan · 20/03/2022 09:55

@JustOneCornett0

Something similar happened to me too and I was really upset. I can understand. My child wasn't upset but just wasn't brought in. I sat and watched a pile of kids for an hour with no idea where my Child was. I was gutted and ready to cry. I was asked in work how it went and just managed to keep it together.
But this isn't what happened to the OP's child. Her child WAS upset so was given the chance to calm down. Her child WASN'T excluded and not just brought in. They were given the chance once calm and actively chose not to go in.

I can understand that the OP was disappointed by nit seeing her child in stage. But the school were meeting the needs of her child at the time.

I can understand how your situation was upsetting, however the OP's scenario is not similar to it this time.

LBFseBrom · 20/03/2022 10:05

@jessy100

The op.has disappeared. Seems to happen a lot when they don't. get the answers they like!
I don't think that is necessarily true. People have other things to do. Op may come back. There have been a variety of responses to her post and it takes time to sift through and absorb so many.
Sherrystrull · 20/03/2022 10:10

Great posts @Abraxan

purpleme12 · 20/03/2022 10:12

She responded a few times the same day she posted
I think she's got what she needed then
There has been 9 pages now

implantreplace · 20/03/2022 10:15

I think important to realise that for some people mumsnet is very much something they dip in and out of

So this morning, I am relaxing post brekkie in the sun on my phone. This is a rare occurrence. I have the time to post. From this afternoon onwards for the next week - will be very sporadic dipping in and out and I won’t even think of mumsnet!

To others - mumsnet occupies a good part of their day and they feel OPs owe them updates